I am such a pathetic fool

[pilot1ab]

Ahhhh...I am such a loser. I have to be the most pathetic guy that ever lived. I totally broke my resolve to not talk about the relationship, with my ex. She broke up with me about 2 months ago. The first few weeks after she dumped me, I talked about fighting for us, and blah blah blah. For the next month and a half I tried to remain strong and just talk about other things, and avoid her as much as possible. I tried to portray that I was ok, and moving on. The times where my pain would show through and she would ask me, whats wrong...I would just say that I was really tired. By the way I should mention for those that may not have read my other posts, that we have to work together 12 hour shifts. Anyways, I am really hurting bad and having to see her move on the way she did makes it worse and worse. My resolve was starting to waver.

 

What I started to do was contemplate telling her my true feelings and seeing if maybe we could get back together. The whole time I was acting ok, I was holding out this strong sense of hope that she is going to come back to me. I just need to give her space. I fought telling her my true feelings for days. About 3 days ago, we were driving to work, and I was fighting and fighting to keep from talking to her. She looked at me and said, "Hey did I ever thank you." I asked for what, and she said that she wanted to thank me for how great I handled everything and how I was able to let her go and not be mean to her....or something to that extent. That broke me. It took the fight out of me. I told her, I haven't let you go. I still love you very much. I still miss you very much. Unfortuantely I can't make you love me. She looked at me in a way that, in my messed up mind, I saw as still wanting us back also. She told me, but I do Love you. I said all I want is to hold your hand again, and hug you, and see that look in your eyes. She immediately gave me her hand and we held hands for a long time. It was giving me hope, and I was thinking that she wants to get back together, but just thought that I moved on. All my barriers broke at this point.

 

I didn't say anything else to her about us the rest of the way to work. Once we got to work, she was being even nicer to me than she normally is. The hope got even stronger. So in the middle of our shift, I finally asked if I could talk to her. I told her that I want her back. She asked me why, and I told her everything of how I feel for her, and what I have been going through. We talked for a long time, and I came up with solutions to make our relationship even stronger. We further talked on our drive home, and came up with all sorts of things we could try even counseling. She basically said, she doesn't have the same feelings toward us that she did. She said that those feelings for me are gone, and she doesn't think they will come back. She said she loves me very much, but at a different level. I told her that she loved me so strongly when we were together and that can't just disappear. Nothing bad happened between us, we weren't fighting and we were getting along great. She is going through something and thats why she dumped me. So I basically stressed the point that her feelings for me are still there, but just burried right now. I even suggested couples counseling to see if we could work through her issue, and rekindle her feelings towards us. She told me she was very tired and to give her some time to process everything I told her and she would get back to me. The next day on our drive to work she told me she thought of everything, but it just doesn't feel the same for her, and being back together just doesn't feel right to her. (see how pathetic I was, and wait I get worse).

 

The rest of that shift I poured my heart to her, I showed her every weak and vulnerable aspect of me. I told her everything of what I am going through. I told her everything...ohhhhhh god. She was very sympathetic, and understanding and answered all my questions very honestly and bluntly. I finally had some answers on what happened to us, and she made it very clear that she isn't coming back. She said she will do whatever it takes to help me get through this, but she can't be with me. She said she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now at all. I stupidly asked her if she just wanted to just date other guys. Big mistake. I asked her to be very honest and blunt about everything to me and she was. She said if she wanted to date she has every opportunity to. She went to a coworkers birthday party on saturday (ditching me...didn't even tell me she wasn't gonna work that night until the time when we are supposed to be leaving for work.) She told me at the party, two guys had asked for her number from another of her friends. She told her friend no don't give it to them. Her friend told her a few days later that one of the guys is still bugging her for the number. My ex said again don't give it to them. Then she told me that two of her ex boyfriends from a long time ago have gotten into contact with her recently. When they found out she was single, they tried to see if she would date them. She told both of them no. She said she just wants their friendship, and to talk about old times. By the way she talks to these old boyfriends of hers every single night at work for hours and hours. Anyways her point was that if thats all she wanted was just to date then she could but she is choosing not to at this time. She said she won't lie to me, in the future she might but right now she is content just being alone.

 

Ok my long story so far was background to what I have to say now... I have broken and just constantly talk to her about how I feel. Asking her the same questions over and over again. I am Pathetic, pathetic... I have shown her a great deal of my depressions and insecurities. If I could type out all the things I've done, since she made it clear there would be no reconcilliation, I could fill 10 of these threads. Just believe me in the fact that I humilliated myself, and showed a weak vulnerable child instead of the strong man she fell in love with. She encourages me to talk to her of my feelings, but the manner in which I started to do them was just embarrassing. I can't even stand to think of how I must have looked to her. Now she has pulled away from me even more. Even though she says she hasn't, and she doesn't think any less of me. She is colder to me....avoids me a bit more....talks to me less. God I feel I have done irreversible damage. Even though I know she isn't coming back, I feel like I just pushed her completely out of my life. She is civil, but cold.....

 

What should I do now? How do I repair any of this, including my esteem at this point? I have hurt so bad these last two months, and it doesn't seem to be getting better. Everyday I feel worse and worse. Now I even pushed the last little bit of her away from me. The advise on this forum has been a godsend for me. I really need to hear all your opinions on this, and and advise you could give me. I feel awful as it is, and now I feel even worse. Please help.

[registered]

First things first. You aren't pathetic or a loser. Who can blame you for telling the woman you loved that you still love her?

I think it is very commendable that you were been able to go so long working together with her and not bring it up as you had intended from the beginning. That must have been very hard.

 

There's no point flogging a dead horse - especially if it died and fell on you.

I know you admitted this too.

 

Well what can you do to help yourself? Let's see.

 

First let's consider the most important thing - if you don't move on you are going to continue to hurt. And you don't want that.

If you continue to ask for her back you are only going to get hurt more and more.

So remember that moving on is the only thing you can do to help yourself.

 

It's a problem that you have to work 12 hour shifts with her - but see it as a challenge. Can you overcome it - treat her like any other work mate?

I set you the task of treating her no differently then any other work mate.

If you are about to say something to her ask yourself this - "would I ask Bob that?". If the answer is "no" then don't say it!

If things suck so much then consider finding a new job (I don't know if that is possible or wise... it would definitely be an extreme last resort).

 

She encourages me to talk to her of my feelings, but the manner in which I started to do them was just embarrassing.

Don't do this! She may even like the fact that she can make you feel so depressed!

If you need to talk to someone talk to a therapist or create a thread (ideally the first option!).

 

Now she has pulled away from me even more.

Good.

Sounds like she is acting in your best interests.

She is not doing it to hurt you - she is doing it to help you.

 

God I feel I have done irreversible damage. Even though I know she isn't coming back, I feel like I just pushed her completely out of my life. She is civil, but cold.....

You said it... she isn't coming back. There is NO bf/gf relationship to damage!

 

What do you like to do for fun? Do it.

Get out with friends and make new ones. Don't burden them with your emotions - pay a therapist to do this.

 

Look to the future.

You want to be happy yeah? Well you need to move on.

You don't want to be depressed yeah? Then accept that she is not coming back.

You are a good guy yeah? (of course!) Then the next woman will be very lucky to have you! Look to her for a relationship instead, but realise that you must first be completely over this past one.

 

Keep your distance from this woman - talk to her only about work and only at work. Avoid this if possible.

In the car? Turn the radio on and listen, or play a CD. Maybe you shouldn't drive to work together at all? This would be preferable (I don't know the circumstances exactly sorry).

 

Lastly, remember that you are not a loser. You have emotions and you have desires - don't see them as weaknesses. They are not weaknesses. They are annoying, but they are not weaknesses.

You need to be happy - you owe it to yourself.

 

All the best.

[healinginnyc81]

pilot1ab, I have done the same thing, so don't feel pathetic. It's because we followed our hearts and didn't think about her perspective. She is no longer the same person you fell in love with, try to keep that in mind, that is just a good memory now.

Your only focus right now should be on building your self esteem. It might help to have a therapist, I'm thinking about doing that because then you'll have someone to pour your heart out to and it will be easier to avoid talking to her or to your friends about your heartache. Then you will be able to have more fun with friends and make new friends. Expect it to take a long time but remember that you will be a better person and you will find better relationships as a result.

Keep posting your thoughts here too, many of us are going through the same things.

[NR498E]

Yea dude dont feel bad.I did all the same stuff.Most everybody does it.Just last night me and a friend were laughing hystercaly about how mental we went after our breakups.It's normal,when your in love logical thinking just goes right out the window.All's you can do is take what youve learned and move on.The next time around you'll know better.Besides dont beat yourself up to much,after all you were in love .Thats the strongest emotion there is.Entire wars have been fought over women.

[PocoDiablo]

Ah, this kills me. I think you were doing SO good and I think you had a chance at this. Then you went and did a patented "me" (something that I've done) move and chased her away VERY hard.

 

The whole time I was acting ok, I was holding out this strong sense of hope that she is going to come back to me. I just need to give her space. I fought telling her my true feelings for days.

I think this was in your best interests.

 

I told her, I haven't let you go. I still love you very much. I still miss you very much. Unfortuantely I can't make you love me.

And I think this was okay, if you said it in a calm, matter-of-fact kind of way.

 

I didn't say anything else to her about us the rest of the way to work. Once we got to work, she was being even nicer to me than she normally is.

See? You were doing okay, at least I think so.

 

I told her that I want her back. She asked me why

She asked me why ... aaahhhhhh the shame. I never would have done this. Now she's on the defensive again. And with good reason apparently...

 

and I told her everything of how I feel for her, and what I have been going through.

Yeah, so what about her? Did you ask about her or just talk about yourself? I don't see that you did... Even still, why would she want to be with you if all you do is be serious all the time? It's like she would have to take care of your emotions all day long.

 

She basically said, she doesn't have the same feelings toward us that she did. She said that those feelings for me are gone, and she doesn't think they will come back. She said she loves me very much, but at a different level.

Sure, I can see that. You're doing what I used to do - you're going the "Pity me" route. I would do this hoping she would like me. Of course, what I did not realize what that in my case I was acting like a big crybaby 8 year old. Why would any woman want an adult that cried on her all the time? I know why Dawn stopped talking to me after that... it only took me a year to figure it out.

 

I told her that she loved me so strongly when we were together and that can't just disappear. Nothing bad happened between us, we weren't fighting and we were getting along great.

But something you are doing is driving her away, I think. I believe I can see it - can you? What if it really IS something YOU are doing? Can you fix yourself? You cannot fix the relationship if you're the root of the problem... That is like washing the windshield on a car when you have a flat tire....

 

The rest of that shift I poured my heart to her, I showed her every weak and vulnerable aspect of me. I told her everything of what I am going through. I told her everything...ohhhhhh god.

Like a child to his mother? How is that going to help her have fun with you, make her smile, make her enjoy your company? I'd run out the door....

 

If I could type out all the things I've done, since she made it clear there would be no reconcilliation, I could fill 10 of these threads.

How many threads could you fill if you were to tell us what you have done to improve yourself, be happier, flirt with her more, be a gentleman, have more composure and self-control? How many books have you read on self-improvement, flirting, relationships? What have you truly done to try and make things better besides cry?

 

showed a weak vulnerable child instead of the strong man she fell in love with.

BINGO. Where did that guy go? Huh?

 

She encourages me to talk to her of my feelings

Um, yeah, feelings should be limited to like 5 minutes a week max, unless it's something really serious. And, for reference, your lack of confidence is not worthy of dumping on her every day, in my opinion.

 

I can't even stand to think of how I must have looked to her. Now she has pulled away from me even more. Even though she says she hasn't, and she doesn't think any less of me. She is colder to me....avoids me a bit more....talks to me less. God I feel I have done irreversible damage.

Yup. You've done EXACTLY what I did with Dawn. I felt like a complete idiot. Now, your only hope is to LEARN what you did wrong. Every time she pulled back it was because you did something wrong. Can you see that? It took me a year, so take your time....

 

I really need to hear all your opinions on this, and and advise you could give me. I feel awful as it is, and now I feel even worse. Please help.

I've tried to be as kind as possible with what I have said here. I think you know I've been through this more than once. I could speak to this a lot more, of course, but there is one thing that bothers me - you KNOW what you are doing wrong but you lack the self-control to stop it.

 

So, to you dear Sir, I tell you this: Learn self-control.

 

Learn to shut your mouth. Learn to keep depressing, boring, over-emotional topics of conversation away from the women you like. If you have a bad day, do what I do - go to the shooting range, go play pool, go for a drive, have a drink, watch a movie, make dinner, call up a friend... something ... but don't go and dump it on the woman you are with.

 

Until you learn self-control, in my opinion, you'll only make things worse and worse for yourself, which will follow you like a dark cloud until you figure it out.

 

How long will that take? Can you be my record of a year?

[pilot1ab]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I think that maybe I did do the right thing, because for the past two months I have felt like she wants us back together and just needs her time and space. I felt like we will get back together, because even by her own admission we were great together. In reality, she has let me go and moved on completely. She told me she doesn't feel any crushing pain. She thinks of me at times now and all our memories we shared, but it doesn't hit her that much. She made it clear that she has moved on, and doesn't feel what she felt before. She said she feels more content and happpy being alone, and doesn't want to be in any relationship right now. She told me that she has loved no other as strongly as she loved me, and she still loves me very much just not in the way I want her too.

 

Anyways I'm rambling. My original point was that all this actually gave me some understanding of what happened and why she shut down so quick. It is also helping me realize that she is not coming back. Even though I am having a hard time thinking of a future without her, and even though my pain is still deep and intense...I am not thinking anymore that she will come back. I still want her too, and I still think and hope she will. But I see that all the little things that I took as her still wanting our relationship back, were nothing more than her attempts at making me feel better.

 

I did speak with her towards the end of our shift last night, and told her I apologize for the way I have been coming out with all my insecurities and the humiliating way I started to act. I also told her that I don't regret coming clean with my feelings, and fighting for what we had. I told her I had to try every approach to save us, because of how I feel for her. I still miss her very much, and fantasize constantly of her coming back to me, but I see reality now.

 

Registered: Thank you for your words, all of them made complete sense to me. I see that everything she is doing is not only so she can move on, but also to make sure I do. She feels immense guilt for what she is doing to me, and she just wants to make sure I'll be ok...although not at the expense of her needs to move on.

 

bkjsun: Your right on the money with your statement of she is no longer the same person I fell in love with. MY GF is gone. She has changed a lot since we broke up. I even told her that the person standing in front of me today, is not the person I knew two months ago. She agreed. I guess I am not in love with the person today, but I want back my girl and everything she was.

 

andy_stone: Its hard not to feel like a loser. I don't feel bad about talking to her about my feelings, but when she made it clear how she feels....I showed all my insecurities and depression to her. She took it, but I was like a crazy dude while I was doing it.

 

Anyways thank you all for being supportive, please keep the post coming.

[Dako]

I did speak with her towards the end of our shift last night, and told her I apologize for the way I have been coming out with all my insecurities and the humiliating way I started to act. I also told her that I don't regret coming clean with my feelings, and fighting for what we had. I told her I had to try every approach to save us, because of how I feel for her. .

 

Pilotman,

 

The lines above sound straightforward to me.

 

I don't think you're pathetic at all. You seem all too human.

If we could leash our emotions and edit our true feelings to look masculine, poised, confident or just sane, falling in love might never happen. Falling in love is about abandoning yourself to another, not performing an act to and audience of one.

 

I've resisted the urge to "humiliate" myself by pleading for a second chance with my ex, so in the back of my mind, I wonder if she thinks I gave up too easily. I always wonder if she realizes how deep my feelings are for her, but I'm too cowardly, wimpy, weak, afraid and sissified to persue it. It might just trigger more feelings of rejection to hurt me.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[pilot1ab]

sorry PocoDiablo, I guess we posted at the same time so I didn't see your post until just now. I am very confused about everything right now. I know I should have stopped after what I said to her in the car. She was acting more like she used to, and I was getting this false hope up. Your right I didn't show any self control. I broke and spilled everything and the more she told me that she isn't coming back...the more needy and desperate I got. The way I acted and things I said and showed her, probably did drive the final nail home. If ever there was a chance for us, that door probably shut for good. I do see now that I was caring false hope for her to come back anytime soon. When we first were talking and I told her I wanted her back, she made it very clear that she is not coming back in the near future. I should have left it at that, but no I started to act like a crazy, frightened child. I panicked and acted so insecure around her, questioned everything she was trying to do. Who would want that, especially if they are not in love with you anymore. It all the more made her feel she's made the right decision. I hope that maybe she can remember me for the man she would thank god for being in her life. I still hope that she comes back maybe much later down the road. The chances were slim to begin with, but now they might be gone. Yes self control...

 

Dako, your right that we musn't mask who we are to be more manly. When my ex and I were together, I knew she saw me as very masculine and strong. She also knew that I wasn't afraid to show my sensitive side to her either. We were always open about our feelings, and she had me on a pedestal. But Like PocoDiablo said, I was doing alright until I heard what I didn't want to hear. I should have just accepted it, and went back to my act. Tried again down the road sometime. Now I think she is gone for good. The only reason she even shows me anything, is because I know she cares about me, but also because I think its to satisfy the guilt she feels for what she is causing me. She says she feels very guilty and bad. So in a sense she is doing charity work, by being so good to me.

 

What kills me is she shows caring toward my feelings, but at the same time such indifference to my feelings. For example, she knows the party she went to last saturday really hurt me. Yet she has no problem discussing all the events of it to other coworkers, while I am around. She knows it hurts me hear about how drunk everyone was, and the crazy things they did. She knows I have to sit there with a stone mask on, while inside I am being wrenched. Yet she still does it. There are other things she does that she knows hurt me, but yet still does them. I know that she is single now, and can do whatever she wants. I am not trying to say she shouldn't have gone to the party, or she shouldn't talk to her ex boyfriends on the phone. As much as it pains me, she has every right to do these things. But if the rolls were reversed I wouldn't do these things to her. I wouldn't say talk about the party to other people while she was around. I would do it when she couldn't hear, because I would know that it hurts her. Caring but so uncaring.......Thanks all for your responses once again. I need to rage, and vent because bottling this s*it up if killing me...

[pilot1ab]

Before I go onto my depressed rant, let me start by saying thank you and god bless all of you here at enotalone. You guys and gals have been my only outlet for the turmoil that I feel. I think I would've crumbled by now if it weren't for your sympathetic words and understanding. What I have been going through the last 2.5 months I wouldn't wish on anybody. It saddens me that there are so many of you who are going through what I am, and some of you even worse (if thats possible). If I had just one wish, I would wish for all of our pain to be removed, and that we could grow and be strong so one day we can be loved the way we deserve to be.

 

I feel so sad right now. I don't even know what to say, I guess I just needed to post and hear all of your words. My heart is crumbling into pieces. Even though I know my ex is happy, content, and has completely moved on....I still can't. Even though I know my ex, will never come back to me EVERRR, and I shouldn't hold anymore wishfull thinking.....I still do. I don't understand why my life isn't complete without her. I drove 5 hours the other day, to spend Christmas with my family. I couldn't even be there mentally even though I was there physically. Here I am surrounded by more family then I've seen in years, and all I could want is to be with one person. I have people around me in droves who love and care for me deeply, but the one that used to love and care for me deeply wasn't there.

 

I went to a mall with my sister while I was down visiting, and it was torture. The damn Christmas music playing...the damn happy couples embracing each other. It took every ounce of my strength to keep from breaking down. I think to myself what did I do to deserve this. I have always tried to live my life right, and feel for humanity. I have never played anyone, I have never used anyone, and I have always tried to treat people with compassion and sincerity. We work in the medical field, and one of the things my Ex used to love about me so much is how I treated my patients. She used to tell me all time that I was the only one that could make a small child laugh and smile, no matter how miserable they were. I was the only one that took that extra time with each and everyone of our patients, so that when I left they weren't quite as miserable. She told me one of the million things that makes me fall in love with you again everyday, is that you love people, and you sacrafice yourself just to make someone feel a slight bit happier. She said no one has that gift quite as well as you. She told me that when any patient is crashing, and I walk in the room everyone is relieved because they all say Mike is here, he will solve it. IF I WAS SO DAMN GOOD, THEN WHY LEAVE ME???????????? I never saw myself as all that. I never thought of myself as all that. I still don't. She tells me I am the best boyfriend anyone could ever ask for. As a boyfriend I have been a godsend. She tells me, she has loved no other the way she loved me........THEN WHY LEAVE ME??????????? She tells me I did nothing wrong to our relationship. She tells me I was the best to her.........then why the F**k LEAVE ME. How can I be just thrown away so easily????? How can she move on and not feel any pain, after less than a month? Less than a month and she is over me...while she was the greatest gift that was ever given to me. How does one get over that? I have always tried to live my life honarbly....What the hell did I do to deserve all this? All I ask for in this world if to share my life with someone. All I ask for is to be loved. Is that asking too much?

 

I'm sorry for the rant, but I am really crushed. She was what I have always been searching for my whole life, and now she is gone. I have no problem meeting other women if i wanted too, but I want no other. Even though she dumped me, what she was I don't think anyone can ever hold a candle to that. This scares me even more. She is the love of my life, and now she's gone. I'm sorry if I can't just get over that. How much pain can a man endure?

[PocoDiablo]

Hey guy,

 

If I had just one wish, I would wish for all of our pain to be removed, and that we could grow and be strong so one day we can be loved the way we deserve to be.

I think you said it here, and now you need to start living up to your own words.

 

I don't understand why my life isn't complete without her.

I'd say it's because you feel like you lost a mothering figure in your life.

 

IF I WAS SO DAMN GOOD, THEN WHY LEAVE ME????????????

Because you made mistakes and still have not learned the extent of them.

 

She tells me I am the best boyfriend anyone could ever ask for. As a boyfriend I have been a godsend. She tells me, she has loved no other the way she loved me........THEN WHY LEAVE ME???????????

Hey, I heard the same thing. Then I realized ... actions speak louder than words. Just like you would only say something nice to someone to their face, and then never talk to them because you did not like them, she is doing the same thing. She knows you needed to hear that and said it.

 

Personally, I think she told you what you WANTED to hear, not what you NEEDED to hear. So long as you believe her words and think that you are so perfect, like I used to think about myself, you'll never get over this.

 

She tells me I did nothing wrong to our relationship. She tells me I was the best to her.........then why the F**k LEAVE ME.

But you didn't do enough RIGHT, either. You were like a big baby, so you were open and caring and all that, but that was not enough.

 

Have you ever seen the movie Bedazzled? You should go rent it. The guy on the beach with the dolphin safe tuna reminds me of you. It's ugly.

 

How can I be just thrown away so easily????? How can she move on and not feel any pain, after less than a month?

She knew about leaving you a LONG time ago. She already moved on mentally weeks and weeks ago. You got blindsided because you did not pay attention to the reality of what you were doing.

 

I don't think anyone can ever hold a candle to that. This scares me even more. She is the love of my life, and now she's gone. I'm sorry if I can't just get over that. How much pain can a man endure?

I used to think the same way about an ex of mine. Boy was I wrong. The love of your life would never crush you like this.

 

You've got her on a pedestal because you have no self-respect and no self-confidence. You've really got to work on that.

[healinginnyc81]

Pilot1ab, what pocodiablo is saying is harsh but it's true. I am going through the same things. I still have my ex on that pedestal. She always thought I was her soulmate and she was so good to me and I was good to her and am still struggling to realize that there will be other girls that I see as my soulmate. But I stopped challenging her. I became like an adoring servant. So she probably got the feeling that I was just attached to her as my emotional support. She still thinks I am a great, interesting, loving person but she is not in love with me.

I am sure that I can't repair our relationship, I have to become strong enough to be happy without NEEDING a soulmate.

A soulmate can make you happier definitely, but you are responsible for your own happiness, don't give that responsibility to anyone else.

I promise you that the feelings will fade gradually. Just let your feelings out and focus on getting yourself better. We're here for you at enotalone.

 

PS. my ex got over me in a day. as pocodiablo said it was because she was thinking about breaking up with me about 2 months before she did. She went through the confusion and sadness and all that during those 2 months and when she finally broke up with me it was like a weight lifted off her shoulders.

[pilot1ab]

Hey PocoDiablo you actually got a chuckle out of me. The comment about the guy on the beach in Bedazzled. That was funny. I know in my posts I may seem like that, but believe me I am nowhere near that guy. It was funny though.

 

Hey, I heard the same thing. Then I realized ... actions speak louder than words. Just like you would only say something nice to someone to their face, and then never talk to them because you did not like them, she is doing the same thing. She knows you needed to hear that and said it.

 

Personally, I think she told you what you WANTED to hear, not what you NEEDED to hear. So long as you believe her words and think that you are so perfect, like I used to think about myself, you'll never get over this.

 

Actually she was pretty blunt and honest with me about everything. She is not the type of person that would tell me something just because she thinks I need to hear them. Also, I know what you mean about thinking I was perfect, but honestly I don't. I never did. I have my faults just like she had hers. Its just that, there was something which caused her feelings for me to shut down. My feelings for her still haven't.

 

When I post here, I am letting out how I really feel. Most people that I interact with daily, don't have a clue. That is so hard to do, putting that stone mask on, while inside I am crushed. That is why I love this forum. I can let out what I trully feel, and there are good people who can advise me and share their thoughts. Thanks again Poco for your responses, and thanks again to all of you. I do need them.

[pilot1ab]

Hi all,

Well after my "big" opening up of my feelings to her, that I did a little over a week ago, I thought that at least I have some of the answers I needed. Maybe now I can really start my process of letting go and healing. For some reason I can't get rid of the hope that she will come back to me. I find myself constantly thinking, dreaming, hoping, and fantasizing of they ways in how we would be reunited. When we had our talk she made it very clear of her feelings. She made it very clear how she has moved on, and doesn't share any of the feelings towards us that she did. She said, she feels guilt for hurting me, but it stops there. She says she loves me very much, but at a different level. Not the way I would want her too. See all this is very clear and straightforward. There shouldn't be any hope left in me for us to ever be together. Yet I can't seem to stop thinking of us being back together.

 

I have gone to not talking of our relationship anymore, and have put the "act" back on. We talk about other things while at work, and I just joke around with her and make her laugh. All the while I keep looking for any sign, any gesture, any indidcation that she stills harbors the same feelings for me. Sometimes while at work, we would be talking, and during some of the lulls in the conversation, she stares off into space and has this look of such sadness. It only last for a few minutes, but I take it as a sign that she misses us. In reality she is probably just really tired, as our work has been wearing us both out these past few weeks. So even though I know what it probably is, I get the flicker of hope up that she stills wants us back. There are many other little insignificant signs that I see. At times during shift change, she will come and sit next to me even though there are other places available. She also has done things like when scooting in her chair from one end of our dept. to the other she has to pass where I am sitting and she lets her hand brush accross my leg. See all these little things which are probably just coincidences or have other non significant meanings...I take as hope. I keep trying to tell myself that the first thing I need to do is accept that she is gone, and that she is never coming back. I keep telling myself that I really need to let her go. All the while, I am not only looking for every little sign...but plan ways in my head to win her heart over.

 

The days we are not at work, I never get any contact from her. So far, I haven't initiated any either. Sometimes I think, that maybe I will cook dinner for her, go rent a movie, and just make her smile and laugh like I used to. I wouldn't talk about us, or the relationship, but just have fun with her. I think of many things I can do or try, hoping that maybe I can win her heart back. I stop myself, because even by her own admission she doesn't think of me or us that often anymore, and when she does its not a longing or a missing. Just a memory. Everything is so clear. Why cant I let go? Why do my thoughts dwell on her every waking moment of every day. I don't even find solace in sleep. She comes in my dreams. Many people say that their significant other is their best friend. I have had other relationships where I felt that also, but nothing like I did with her. I have never felt so much love, nor have I received it in return, as much as with her. There are days at work, when I see her smiling, and all I want to do is hold her in my arms. I am very sad, would love nothing more than to have her back in my life again. Truth is she will never come back. Deep down inside I know this. I can't stop hoping and wishing though. Any suggestions?

[healinginnyc81]

pilot1ab, I have been the same way all week holding on to hope with no reason, just "thinking, dreaming and fantasizing" about ways to be reunited. My ex also made it clear that it was over and that she felt bad for hurting me. I see it but I can't just erase feelings. I think it's really important to try to make as limited contact as possible.

It's good that you're back to keeping things light and funny but you also have to make sure that you actually are getting over her and not just pretending to get over her.

Another thing is to find things that you can enjoy by yourself or with other friends. That's tough for me since no matter what I do I start remembering how I used to do stuff with her and how fun it was. But at some point we have to accept reality and move on.

[PocoDiablo]

You guys have GOT to get out of the house and hang out with some friends. If you don't have anyone to hang with, just go to a bar, sit at the bar, and have a few drinks. Strike up a conversation with whoever sits next to you and see what you can learn about them.

 

Just immerse yourself in the world - it's an amazing and beautiful place to be.

[novaseeker]

1. Give yourself time to finish healing. Set a deadline for it, though. Maintain no contact during this period. Mourn and do what you have to do and then when you get to the deadline ...

 

2. Decide to move forward. That means making a decision to stop hanging on, stop having hope, and just move forward. Get out of the house. Go to the gym. Get with your friends. Go to the movies. Take up an old hobby, learn a new one. Something to keep yourself active and engaged in the world. And also no contact during this period.

 

Gradually, things will get better and you will realise you are better off without this person, and instead being active and engaged in the world, and ready to meet someone who really cares for you.

[pilot1ab]

O.K. I took poco's advice and I went out last night. I was alone, because I don't know anyone other than my ex in this town. It felt a bit weird at first, because everywhere I looked, it reminded me of her. We both moved to this new town, far away from everyone we know, and when we first moved here we explored it together. Anyways, I ended up just going to starbucks and then the bookstore. After I looked around for a bit, I went to this bar which was the only one in town that we ever went to. I even remember when her brother and his fiancee came up to visit, we went here to play pool and how much fun we had. There were other bars in town, but I challenged myself. It went ok. I had a couple of drinks, and the bar was not that crowded. Just a bunch of lonely guys, like myself

 

What gave me a big self esteem boost, was that this very attractive woman walked in the bar, and although there was plenty of room....she came and sat next to me. I struck up a conversation with her, and we talked for a long time. She even bought me a drink. When she had to go, she shook my hand and smiled. After she left two guys came up to me, and asked if I got her number. I told the no. See I wasn't looking at getting her number. I know I am not ready to date yet. Just conversation with her was good enough. I then went and had dinner at a restaurant, me and my ex used to frequent. All in all it was a good night. I am not used to doing things alone, as I was either with a girlfriend, or just a bunch of friends. But it wasn't bad, and I had a good evening. I need to learn to be alone, and enjoy things. I still miss my ex terribly, but last night taught me thats its ok just to hang out by yourself at times.

[buba]

Way to go, Pilot!

I would say, try to explore new places, not just the ones that fill you up with memories. And don't be afraid to give out your phone # to an attractive women! You will make it, it will take time, but in the end you will come out of this emotional mess a much better and stronger person.

Happy New Year!

[healinginnyc81]

Wow, pilot, I'm proud of you. That takes a lot of strength to go out by yourself and to have fun while having all these things reminding you of your ex. It's good to hear about the woman talking to you too. That's great.

 

Keep it up and Happy New Year!

[Dako]

You da man!

Consider be a fan. That's the perfect way to handle things, and the fact you didn't end up leaning too hard on the lady makes you a hero in my book.

I'm hoping for more breakthroughs in 2006.

[pilot1ab]

Why is it that everytime I get a bit of peace in my heart, everything has to revert back to normal. Yesterday after feeling very depressed and hurting real bad, I forced myself to just go out. I wake up today, feeling crushed again. Why can't she just leave my head. Constant thoughts of how she used to be towards me. Constant thoughts of how indifferent she is towards me now. Constant thoughts of wishing her back. I am getting sick of it, yet can't stop it. I just want it to end.

 

Today was the first time since all this happened, that I felt anger towards her. I had been in so much pain all day. While we were driving to work, I finally got sick of her indifference to me, and what we had. All of a sudden this anger bubbled up in me. I looked at her with that damn smug look on her face, and the look of how peachy the world is, and I just felt really angry towards her. I thought to myself, "Do you know the hell you have put me through." She is such a liar. All the promises, all the false hope. The minute our lives became a bit difficult, everything was out the window. NO fighting through it, nothing...This is coming from someone who always told me how much what we had meant to her, and how hard she was willing to fight for us. Yeah...Our lives became harder after our move, and so I get tossed away like a piece of trash. I'm forgotten, and she just moves on so easily. What kills me is that just because she is "happy", none of what we had meant anything to her. I really felt a great deal of anger, but showed her none of it. It felt liberating for a short while. I know it will be short lived, as I already am feeling it start to disapte. Part of me justs wants to hold on to this anger towards her forever. How can someone who was filled with so much love, just stop it, because life became a bit more challenging. Yeah, things are harder now, so I am gonna cut you out completely...and oh yeah forget about all my promises, and all the things I made you to believe....It doesn't matter that when I needed you that you were there. It doesn't matter that you changed around your whole life for me....No I am done with you, so now you pick up the pieces...

 

I feel very guilty for thinking these things, as I still love her very much. I just can't stand it that everything we were to each other and how she acted towards me...disappeared so fast. The minute she dumped me, I was nothing more than a coworker. I wish for her to feel an ounce of what I have been through. Just thinking that makes me feel guilty. I mean how can I love her so much, and wish for her to hurt. I know by tomorrow morning I will be hurting again, but part of me is happy for this anger. God I have hurt so bad, and she looks so smug. Sorry again for this rant. I needed to work of some frustration on the keyboard.

[healinginnyc81]

Don't feel guilty for your anger. It is an important step towards healing when you start to realize that you weren't the only one to blame. It helps to motivate you to make yourself better and move on. Of course, at some point you have to feel strong enough to forgive but for now I think it's good to get angry. It means you are tired of being depressed and feeling hopeless and that you are starting to recover your self worth. Things got tough and she bailed so she didn't believe in what you two had.

 

I went out last night and I didn't that much fun but I got a few laughs and it helped. This morning I was depressed too but slowly I think the ups will last longer and the down times will decrease. Keep going, you know we can do this.

[BigSyke]

I can relate to you! my ex or was soon to be wife, left me in seconds. She just "stopped" answering calls, and then said it was over.

 

dude, if the girl i was with (who was attached to the hip of me), can leave, then anybody can. We had a relationship out of a movie...but then it faded. I always expected us to move through the hard times, i just happened to screw everything up very badly because of my anger. Im in the same spot as you all, when i talked to my ex, i couldnt believe i had to talk to her like this! I was like dude come over i love you come on! lets just talk about this baby its ok we can get through this (like it was really nothing but a fight).....it really didnt work out so well. This Sh** is for real! I thought we were gonna be 90 years old together. I then started to see she meant business (as in never ever talking to me agian and ignoring me even if her life depended on it) So i started to begging and emotional stuff, which i still do uncontrolably. (i have absolutly nothing to lose right now).

 

AGH! how can they put us here, and just go out and party, have sex and do other things that i couldnt even imagine doing without her. Wow, cant they see that they have a man that will literally do ANYTHING to be with them? Do ANYTHING in the world to make them happy? why not, huh?

 

I feel like im dreaming because of this, im not used to saying my ex, and im not used to sitting here all day looking at my phone. This sucks but will get better i hope

[pilot1ab]

BigSyke,

It has to get better, we have to keep believing that. It's hard when everything you thought was disappears. Much like you, our relationship seemed so solid. Like you said, it was something right out of a movie. Things got more difficult in our lives because of a bad decision we made, and instead of working it out until we could make it better...she leaves. Shattered my whole perception of reality. Shattered everything I felt and believed. There is nothing we can do about it. Don't persue her anymore. It truly just drives them further away from you. I have stopped. It hasn't brought her any closer to me, but she isn't pushing away either.

 

I like to think that I am a bit better than I was 2 months ago. I don't feel it, but there are things that I don't do anymore. For example, you talk about sitting around looking at the phone. I did this constantly. Even if I stepped out into the backyard, I would take the phone with me. I don't do this anymore. Yes every now and then I check the phone to see if she called, but I don't wait for it. I know she wont. Its little things like that which I notice and take as a sign that things might be getting better. I still hurt everyday like there's no tomorrow. I think of her constantly and my whole day is done on autopilot, while my brain churns thoughts of my ex. I have to believe it will get better, because if it doesn't I cant bear to live my life like this. Hang in there, and once again stop persuing her.

[pilot1ab]

I got home from work about an hour ago, and today I just blew it. I had started practicing self control again....you know the mask....the not letting her see me hurting. For the past few days I have suspected that she has started to see someone else. I am about 90% positive its that guy that kept bugging her friend for my ex's number. On New Years Eve, 15 minutes before midnight, her cell phone rang. She looked confused at the number, and when she answered it....She said, "yes this is ****, hi...who is this....huh who's this." Then a big smile came on her face and she was really excited. She said I'll be right there and told me that she would be right back. We had been delaying our rounds to at least bring in the new year together. Neither one of us spoke of this, but I assume she was doing it. I know I was. She came back a few minutes after the countdown, and said happy new year to me with a very light hug. First off, I know that if she finally agreed to her friend to give out her number, she wouldn't recognize the number coming on her phone or the voice contacting her.

 

Tonight at work, she was on the phone even more so than usual. I walked into the dept, and she was saying "Thursday and Friday"...which are her days off this week. Any of her friends would already know this. As soon as I walked in, she left. As busy as things got tonight, she was on the phone. Normally she would have seen it, and helped even if it wasn't part of her assignment. I passed by her multiple times, and she was giggling on the phone.....

 

I know that she has every right to do whatever she wants. I know that she is free to see whoever she want too. I know that she is doing nothing wrong. IT still hurts.

 

I did mess up though. The pain I felt last night at work, overcame me. My face showed it, my expressions showed it. She ignored me most of the night so she didn't see it that much, but other staff did. these people don't even know that we aren't together, and they kept asking me if I was o.k. I just said I was really tired.

 

At the end of our shift, as we are walking to parking lot, she asked me what was wrong. I know your tired, but I know there is something else. I told her that I was just really tired, and I had a rough shift. She knows....as I have stated befor she can read me like a book. She didn't care though. We got in the car, she ignored me, then went to sleep. I messed up again. I went back from showing her the light, funny, strong man she fell in love with....to this reserved quiet angry guy. She didn't care though. She did see my pain, and just went to sleep. This was a woman who showed me more love than I have ever seen. Now I am nothing. She has her new network of friends, and guys chasing her from the past as well as present. She has everything she needs, but she forgets what she said. She forgets what I did for her. She only remembers how hard life got after our move.

 

After we got home from work...(knowing, and I know she knows because of her actions, how much pain I was feeling) she said thanks for the ride. got out of the car with her damn smile. I waited for her to open her car, then just tore off. I didn't want to come home. Even though I was home.

 

It Kills me, that my love, my heart, and my soul is gone. It kills me that she now smiles at another, when she used to feel that for me. She has broken me. I have suffered through worse than her, yet she broke me. Her indifference towards what we had kills me. She was the one that changed my view....she was the one that led me to trust so stongly. She said that any adversitys we will ever face, we will face them together, because we are one. She told me that without me, she wouldn't have the strength or the stamina to be where she is now. Yet I am thrown away like a piece of dog S***.

 

I have to apologize, because I have been doing a lot of boozing since I got home from work. I guess I have been doing to much boozing since all of this started. I guess now I am an alcoholic and a chain smoker now. Funny, who would ever want me, I see this yet I can't stop thinking of my ex. I feel like a little wimpy pathetic loser and I can't stand it. I am totally broken and I have tried everything to fix it. Yes, I've tried new things, I've tried working out, I've tried everything. I will die alone, and that is my worst fear. Sorry to you all for this post, I have drank to much, and really hurting. Thanks to all of you who understand. I only show my true face here now. God I miss her.