I love her but the sex sucks :(

[byates5637]

I have been dating this girl for over 2 years now. I love her to death and we have a good relationship in all aspects except for the sex.

 

My problems....

She hardly ever wants to have sex, i feel like i kind of have to pressure her into it to get her to do it. ( I try romance and different techniques, i dont mean i just tell her she has to have sex with me.) And the 3 or 4 times a month we do have sex it sucks! She hates oral. She hates recieving it, and she hates giving it. The few times she has gave me oral she will only do it for 2 minutes and then complain about how her mouth hurts. She also doesnt do foreplay. I mean none at all. She will come in my room, rapidly remove her clothing in a totally non-sexual way, then lay on her back with her legs together waiting for me to have sex with her. Thats all she does. She only ever wants to have normal missionary sex with no foreplay and no sexualness. It is only slightly better then masterbating. When we have sex she does not moan. She hardly moves.

 

On the other hand, I am a very sexual person. I love trying new things, foreplay, and things that some people would consider taboo.

 

So i love this girl, and i want to stay with her, but the sex sucks! I often find myself thinking about really good sex i have had years ago with ex's , and i really miss it. Lately i have been watching alot of porn, because my girlfriend just doesnt satisfy me.

 

So what should i do? Can a relationship work when one person is not being sexually satisfied at all? Is there anyway i can improve this?

[waytoodown]

Well, I can't tell you wether your relationship will work out or not, all I can say is that, from my experience, when someone is not getting satisfied sexually in their relationship, they go look for it elsewhere, which in one way or another, usually leads to cheating....

I'm not saying you would cheat on your girlfriend, but I do believe that for a relationship to work, it's better if the two presons are either both not that into sex, or both into it....

Just my opinion...hope it helps somehow!

[antigravity]

I know this is what everyone else is going to say, but have you spoken to her about it?

 

Have you told her how unhappy you are with your sex life? Is she aware how serious the problem is with you?

 

I think that is the first step. If she's unwilling to listen, or work with you, then unfortunately things don't look that good for you two.

 

A successful relationship does need a healthy sexual side. I think it helps build intimacy and trust and bring people even closer together.

 

So if it's not there, things don't look good unfortunately.

 

Good luck anyway.

[antigravity]

And no wonder she doesn't like it! She doesn't do anything!

 

I'd be bored too if I just sat there everytime.

[karen95]

is your gfriend shy? does she like the romantic part of your relationship? if she likes this part, try and make the sex more romantic.

maybe she has low self confidence regarding sex. do you tell her how much you like her body and how much she turns you on etc.

or maybe she has never had an orgasm and does not know the real enjoyment that can be had from sex. if she has not, this does not mean its your fault. i was with a guy for 3 years but i never had an orgasm with him. i loved him dearly - he is the father of my child, but our sex was always the missionary position. he was my first and i didn't really know my own body and i didnt want to tell him that i did not enjoy the sex that much. we the same as you, just had sex in the missionary position. no foreplay and basically the exact same everytime we did it!

 

try and get her to relax and kiss her and hold her without making her feel you want sex. maybe she will like things like you kissing her neck or tickling her back or her belly. or massaging her scalp. you can do all these things and maybe she will really like one of them. but when you do these things do not make it seem like part of foreplay or that you want sex out of them. and see if things would get better from there!

[Jinx]

She hates oral. She hates recieving it, and she hates giving it. The few times she has gave me oral she will only do it for 2 minutes and then complain about how her mouth hurts.

I get the idea here that it isn't so much a deal of not wanting to in actuality, but more so the thoughts behind doing it. I've known people in my life (actually had a conversation a few weeks ago with a group on such a topic) that are taught it is dirty, often explaining religious teachings or parents which didn't approve of it for whatever their own reasons were behind it, thus imprinting the child and leaving a mark for life.

 

This may also explain the reason that she only will do the missionary position, this same group often believes that anything else can be sinful and ruin them. Same difference with moaning, some women are just taught during their life depending on their culture, that women are not to enjoy sex, thats bad if they do.

 

I do have to say first, I'm not trying to group everyone whom is religious into one narrow minded category, not at all, I'm just saying from my observations, listening and participating in conversation with different individuals that this is what I've collected.

 

Like I say, I have a feeling this is all a taught response somewhere down the road, whether its in response to some unfortunate events she had in her life prior to you, what her family's beliefs were about sex and what not, and it may be her own personal beliefs. Then again I could be completely off target. It would be best to address the issues, you may hit a nerve and she will resist and ignore though, especially if it is possibly trauma induced. If it is religion or culture, it may be nearly as bad depending on the situation at hand.

 

All you can do is be open with her and express your opinion in a considerate manner. As running up to her and saying, "We need to talk because the sex sucks." Is a tad bit too blunt and most likely you won't get much out of that. Yet, a "We need to talk" basis is a good start.

[kate111]

Its a toughy because she probably feels pressured now which is making her close up to you (pardon the pun) even more.

 

Perhaps you could try to make her feel sexy. Complimenting her, wining and dining her, buying her a dress which she feels sexy in.

 

You could give her a glass of bubbly and stroke her but don't do anything further so she doesn't feel pressured and tense up every time you touch her.

 

Ask her which movies she finds erotic. Watch one of those together and if all else fails try watching a porno together. Or actually, even better, try readin her dirty stories (women tend to like written word better than movies in my experience).

[ocrob]

Would she be willing to see a therapist or a sex therapist? You need to figure out why she does not like it and if there is a way to make her like it. If you can get over that barrier, then I bet she will be crazy in bed. lol

[byates5637]

I think i may have made the problem seem a little worse than it is. She does enjoy sex, and she tells me she has orgasms about 75% of the time we have sex. Occasionally she does innitiate it, just not often enough.

 

She does not have any religious or cultural predispositions against sex. She grew up in an extremely liberal non-religious family. They are totally open to her doing whatever she wants. Her family almost seems a little too liberal about sex. I have witnessed my gf's 15 year old sister talking to her mom about blowjobs etc.. in front of me like it was nothing. One of my friends used to date her older sister, and he told me stories about all the sexual things she would do. She pretty much would do anything.

 

Although i doubt it ever happened, past sexual abuse is not totally out of the picture. It could of happened. My girlfriend is extremely ticklish. I mean if i try to gently carress her sides, back, or butt she will freak out and push me away from her and say it tickles. One time she said her dad used to come in her room and tickle her armpits at night, and it reminded her of that. Chances are it was just her dad joking around with her, but the idea did cross my mind that she could of been molested.

 

I have been thinking that the most likely cause of this lack of good sex is her being selfish. She enjoys me having sex with her while she lays on her back and doesnt have to do anything. She gets her orgasm and then she is good. She doesnt seem to really care about what pleases me or how she could improve my sexual experience. For me, about 50% of the enjoyment i get from sex is watching the pleasure i bring to my partner. It seems as if she doesnt care about if i feel good or not, and she only wants me to make her feel good. But again, this is just my opinion and i may be way off base.

 

 

 

And as for watching erotic movies or porn, that is out of the question. I have tried to get her to do that many times, and she does not go for it.

[kate111]

You need to talk to her about it and ask if she is just lazy or whether she doesn't like sex.

[Coffee]

Let me know how it goes for you !

[Shadows Light]

The possibility of sexual abuse not being out of the question.. maybe she feels she needs to control it.. so she does not lose control of herself, then nothing bad will happen.

 

Does she see it as a problem? or acknowledge your feelings that it is a problem? IT is a problem if just one person in the equation has the problem.

 

Porn is such a hard teacher.. if you are trying to use porn as a way of showing her what sex should/could be like. As most porn is created for MEN. Women have a softer attitude. We need to Romance, forplay and all that jazz. Most porn has no story line or build up. There are a number of SOFT porn producers that are today marketing to women. Don't know if this would be of interest to her.

 

Romance Novels. The romance novel industry feeds womens need for passion, romance. Maybe reading romance novels may help stimulate and educate her to the nuances of a sexual relationship or how it could be.

 

Have you tried all the romantic stuff.. candles, lighting, music, lingerie.. the build up???? For me great great sex is preceeded by setting the stage and all the little things that happen before the ACT.

 

Walking into a room without pre-amble or foreplay and just laying there spread eagle.. OMG.. would NEVER get me off. Not even 75% of the time.

 

If you love each other... you should be able to talk about this and find a solution together. Maybe seek out a sex therapist.

[fishrrshortae]

It had also occurred to me that perhaps she was sexually victimized at some point. Maybe not by her parent, but also possibly a friend or a lover?? It seems she may need some sexual counseling or something..

Either way, someone else said it best when they said that if you talk to her and let her know how serious it really is, and she doesn't care about your feelings, then you have a major problem that isn't just about sex!!

If she tries to change some things, you know she at least cares about you enough to want to try.

 

And please DO NOT tell her you have been thinking about your exes....

[SuzieB]

Ok, do you all fight a lot? When my ex and I fought....I did not want to have sex at all. It has a lot to do with what is in a girl's head. Just talk to her. She may not be comfortable with sex....lots could play into this. There is a reason why she hates sex. You need to find out why.

[minnie]

Hey,

 

It may be a possibility that she has a problem with self esteem. I say this because i am, near enough in the same situation. Yes, i think i am acting the same as your girlfriend, and reading this has made me think about what it is doing to my boyfriend.

 

If you knew me you wouldn't know i have self confidence issues, so maybe she is hiding it. I mean there are parts of my body i dont like but overall i think i look good. What stops me from initiating sex, is fear of rejection and even though i am as horny as hell i wont do anything until he comes to me. We have done doggystyle 3 times, i have never been on top, i really want to but, i think i will be embarrassed and that i wont do 'it' right another thing is i dont know what i should be doing.

 

I dont know what to do to overcome this... yet, but i just thought i would give you another view on things as this may be a possibility. x x