So what now....

[nowaysis]

Ok..I have posted this in another part of the forum but it probably belongs under infidelity....I am hoping for some comments as to where I go from here as we still need to see each other to sort out some finances and personal belongings and after that will end up seeing each other from time to time as we live in the town. Not sure how to react and wonder how we will be around each other...12 years together and not seen each other for a month now!!

How do you think she feels and how would you act around her??

All comments will be appreciated.

 

It is quite long but I hope it helps me make some sense of what's happened by writing it down.

 

Well here goes...

I am 31 years old and am 2 weeks into a HORRIBLE split from my 29-year-old girlfriend of 12 years.

She initiated the break up and to be honest broke my heart as we were planning on getting married next year and were looking at buying the engagement rings this month on a holiday to Venice at Christmas.

We both wanted kids and had planned to do this next year also.

Obviously after 12 years everybody pretty much saw us as a married couple, photos on the family's walls of us both etc probably been together longer than most marriages last!

 

Anyway it basically happened like this...after about 8-9 years of living together in England, various houses and many different jobs we decided to go live and work abroad together for 2 years in Spain, we then decided to travel the world so spent 12 months going to Australia, New Zealand, South East Asia etc and had a wonderful time. We got back last Christmas and all was fine, both got jobs, new apartment (rented) and life seemed good...

Well, she started to cry 1 night as we were going to sleep and wouldn't talk about it so I would hold her and tell her she could tell me anything as she knew she could - after 12 years we'd had many ups and a few downs as is to be expected and knew each other well...soulmates etc

 

She had been abused as a young girl and it was still hurting hence the tears on a night. I already knew about this although it had taken about 4 years before she ever told me but I was happy to be there and glad she'd told me as she'd never told anyone else before and it was a big relief to her.

 

We talked about it and tried various things like meditation, reading books together and basically dealing with it rather than trying to just forget about it, as this hadn't worked for her in the past. This didn't seem to work so we discussed counselling which she decided she wanted to do so she booked about 8 sessions.

 

The counsellor was a 24yr old trainee Asian woman which I didn't think was good as different culture and not much life experience but I never mentioned this as I just hoped talking to a stranger would help her stop being so depressed about it all. Anyway after 2 one hour sessions she felt much better and all was good, third session she bursts into tears when asked if she was happy in her relationship with me and said she wasn't in love with me anymore but loved and cared about me so didn't want to hurt me etc as she knew I'd be devastated.

 

We went on holiday then for a week and had a great time so fourth session she said she was happy again with me. And was feeling generally happy in life.

Fifth session tears again when asked about relationship and said she's not happy, wants a change and doesn't want the same things she did 3 months earlier.

So the rest of the sessions were spent helping her deal with making decisions, break them down into bite size chunks etc and once made stick with it.

We both read the letter she got at the end and it basically said to find her happiness she must not let anything change her mind and she must stick to the decisions she'd made in counselling.

 

They never discussed her childhood problems again which I was disgusted about as 25yrs with this problem in her head had apparently been solved in 2 hours and the counsellor who had never met me was now helping her split from the only other person who knew of the problem and loved her dearly!!

 

(I've never been abusive, always supportive and am a pretty laidback guy, hardly ever argued in 12 years and both had our own lives as well as being a couple, never had to compromise jobs, friends etc to stay together)

 

I would have thought the counsellor would have pressed my g/f about the real reason she came to counselling and not let her just say that problem had gone and I was the new problem as it seems to me my g/f found it all very difficult and didn't want to get all upset again talking about that again so took an easier option out...

Maybe I'm wrong but don't think so…

By the way, she told me all of this recently, I wasn't sat in the sessions.

 

As the counselling is coming to an end her best friend returned from travelling

& decided to get a house 20km away from us near my g/f college & keeps going on about how great it would be if they could live together, all the fun they'd have, she is a nasty piece of work, cheats on all her b/f's, just had an abortion without telling current b/f as not sure it's his..not a nice girl!!

 

Moving on exactly 1 year to the day after getting back to England she bursts into tears over dinner and says she thinks we should break up, not in love with me anymore, does love and care for me but the spark has gone and told me what had happened at counselling.

We talked for the next 2 weeks about the spark and how to re-create it and whether some lust with someone else is better than all we had after 12 years - best friend, intimacy, trust, support and partnership etc. She agreed to try at things and thought all I said made sense & that she'd love to be happy with me but she couldn't help how she felt - her head said try but her heart said she wanted to see what else was out there.

 

After 2 weeks she said she'd move out to get some space but I said that I'd move out so that she could stay in the flat. I did this and spent 6 weeks living at a friends with my head in tatters, we didn't do n/c instead saw each other 2-3 times a week, went to cinema, restaurants, long walks etc didn't sleep together for first 3 weeks then I would sleep over Friday and Sunday which was good but didn't solve anything.

I completely trusted her and didn't think anyone else could be involved though I did ask a few times, especially as she didn't come home from a party 1 night.

She swore on her mum's life no one else was involved and how complicated it would be, she'd never do that too me she said.

Something told me this wasn't 100% true so after a big talk/argument she said a guy had flirted with her at this party (1 of the nasty best friends mates) and she'd stupidly exchanged e-mail addresses with him!

I was upset...how could you etc when we're trying to sort out our future your flirting with some guy? She said nothing happened, not even a kiss and she was drunk and would never contact him.

I had no other option than to believe her so we kept trying and forgot about this.

 

Just before my birthday we planned a 4-day trip away together to decide 1 way or the other what to do as both of our jobs and health were suffering with not sleeping and worrying etc. Well she switched her phone off for 2 days before we were due to go so I knew that something was wrong. She eventually called and said she didn't want to go anymore as it didn't feel right, I asked her to please come and we'll have a nice break away from everything and come home with a decision and I would accept it if after the trip she still wanted to split up

Anyway she thought for another night and still said NO.

 

At that point I knew it was all over for us.

 

We arranged to meet the next day for a walk & talk but both really knew it was our last day together.

Well that morning I did something I'd resisted until this point and checked her messages. She had a few from this guy at the party in September & the 1st one I read was the biggest blow I'd ever taken…she'd slept with him 2 months ago!!

She'd lied & lied to me about just e-mailing him and the last 2 ½ months of us trying had basically been a safety net for her, had I known about this, the last 2 months of hell would have been totally different.

 

The lies haunt me now but slowly I'm getting over it and the hurt I've felt will motivate me through this I'm sure.

 

The latest message said he was sorry they couldn't have a future together but he was sure she'd be happy with (name)!!! This was a new guy!!

She was actually dating a different guy now to the 1 she'd slept with 2 months ago and had been for 2 weeks!!

I was devastated and just couldn't believe what was happening as she was the sweetest thing and we'd had 11½ great years but she'd changed so much for the worse I just couldn't get my head around it.

11½ years, no cheating, no big problems, loving relationship and now in 2½ months she'd slept with 1 guy and was now dating another behind my back. She had turned into the same type of person as her best mate.

 

****************Well she had no idea that I knew any of this******************

 

We met up the next day and kissed and hugged and walked to a pub hand in hand where we had a drink and talked. I said I knew it was over and that when I'd seen her this morning I didn't have any of the old feelings for her, & told her it was strange as she'd always made my heart miss a beat whenever we'd been apart and met again, even just coming home from work.

I spent the whole day being nice but also saying things like I hope you haven't just treat me as a doormat for the last few weeks and said that you were trying just so that you could move out and split our things amicably, she said no she's not heartless and that would be so cruel she wouldn't do that.

I said that I was glad that at least no-one else was involved & we'd been honest with each other & hadn't let each other down with any cheating or lying over the last few months to which she agreed.

I said the girl I knew didn't have a bad bone in her body but how she's been with me recently I almost don't recognise her. She said she doesn't have a bad bone now.

I told her that I hoped she didn't become nasty, lying, horrible, heartless cow like her mate.

She replied that her friend wasn't like that & neither was she; I just said we'd have to agree to disagree, as we both know the things that her friend has done are nasty, cruel & heartless & she's a liar but time would tell who's right.

I told her that her friend wasn't nice to me when my girlfriend wasn't there but I don't expect you to believe me.

 

I wasn't nasty to her and told her throughout the day how much I'd loved her & cared for her - more than everything in my life put together.

 

I said that no matter what had happened, I loved her enough to let her go and trusted in her that she was making the right decision and wished her happiness in her life but if it turned out this decision had been made whilst depressed or she regretted it later, that somewhere in my heart there would always be a light that shone for her and I'd always be there for her...I looked her in the eyes & told her that no matter what happens today always remember that I love you unconditionally & care for you so much that no matter what, even if you feel you've let me down I'll always be there for you.

Anyway once we'd both cried a bit and reminisced about good times in the past we went for a walk in the local countryside and at the furthest point from home sat on some rocks and I said I guess that I'd said everything now and did she have anything to say.

She said no.

I said ok then I guess that's it then unless there's anything else she might want to tell me. Again NO.

I said is there anything at all I should know or anything she hadn't said to me that someone else could have told me?

She said she didn't know what I was talking about & asked who's told you something. It doesn't matter who, the question was could there be something I know now that I didn't know before that has hurt me and made me understand what's happening a bit more. She said NO again.

I said I'm not asking you am I? I'm telling you. I know. The games up, do yourself a favour, give me the respect that I deserve & try recover some dignity for yourself & tell me the truth for the 1st time in months.

Again she pretended not to know what I was talking about.

I said you really have managed to lie so well that you've actually convinced yourself so I guess I'm going to have to tell you his name am I????

She still denied it!!

I said how long have you been seeing someone else?

I'm not she said though she started to look sick knowing she had been caught.

BS I said, come on how long.

I'm not seeing someone; I've been out on a few dates.

Lots of swearing from me (up to this point I'd been cool, calm & collected)

How could you 12 yrs and it's come to this!!

I guess the guy you said you only swapped e-mails with was BS then?

Did you sleep with him…

No answer.

You horrible, nasty **** I said.

 

All the lies, you swore on your mum's life nothing happened & you've slept with me since, how could you, what the ****'s happened to you & where is the lovely girl I knew-if she's inside you somewhere I hope to god she finds her way out because the person you are now is rubbish, no good to me, yourself or anyone else.

 

She had aged 10 years in 10 seconds right front of me and couldn't say sorry enough and how much she hated what had happened and hated herself, then cried like she was going to break a rib!!

I said even now after all this I want to put my arm round you and comfort you but you don't deserve it and should feel as bad as possible for what you've done to me.

 

All the lies today, not a bad bone in your body you said, not cheated or lied over the last few months, not going to become a nasty, lying, horrible, cheating, heartless cow like your friend, still love & care for me etc.

 

Well I hope you realise what you've done!!

The realisation of what had happened today, that I'd been really nice even though I knew all of this all along and had set her up to lie all day must have been terrible for her but I had no pity at the time.

 

After 5-10 mins of crying her heart out I did put my arm around her and said remember earlier today I told you that no matter what happens today always remember that I love you unconditionally & care for you so much that no matter what, even if you feel you've let me down I'll always be there for you.

Well I meant it but I need to go now and be upset & realise my dreams have gone & somehow get thru this on my own.

 

You can go back home now and your mate can put her arm around you and tell you that it's all alright but somewhere in your heart you know that it's not alright & this is not how you treat people, especially your partner & best friend – I didn't deserve this.

I'll walk away with my dignity and god knows what I'm going to tell people because if they know what you've done your going to be seen as a cruel nasty piece of work & I don't know if I want that.

You don't deserve any compassion or anything from me but I'm not going to be dragged down to your level.

I'm a good person & don't really care about this other guy because as far as I'm concerned he's not got anything I want, I had the best of you – an honest, loving & sweet, beautiful girl whom I gave my heart.

Now your unrecognisable from the girl you were – he's got damaged goods and he'll no doubt find that out in time.

 

After all this we went back to my house where I told her she was walking away from a successful, ambitious, honest, loving man who would do anything for her and I hoped she didn't live to regret it.

We hugged and kissed, did the looking in the eyes and told her our special place would never die, it would always be in my heart & if she found her old self to give me a call and we'd go for a drink but otherwise leave me alone as I didn't need her in my life as she is now.

The last thing I said was "Who knows what's written in the stars, maybe our future's still mapped out to be together, maybe we'll travel through life hand in hand again, maybe not but even though this is the end for now I don't feel like this is the real end"

 

That was it…my love of 12 years gave me my keys & walked out of the door and it's been a month now with NC (she texted me on my birthday but I didn't reply)

 

I'm sure that she was/is at a vulnerable point as she's about to turn 30, re-adjusting to life in England, counselling and confused about her feelings for me.

This is no excuse for doing what she did and I certainly didn't deserve to go through what I have but I can kind of see how this happened…doesn't help me stop hurting & missing her though. Maybe I'm too logical!!

 

After 12 years I obviously miss her like crazy and still feel like I'm going to wake up and she'll be there but that's just a dream.

 

I believe and have been told by friends and family that the way it ended will hurt her more and her guilt will be harder to deal with and last longer than the upset that I feel. Hard for me to believe this at the moment.

But I can see the logic in it.

 

Because I was so nice right up to the end and rather than just shouting abuse at her I made her realise what she'd done to me and what she'd become and left her with no reason to be angry with me, the only thing to be angry at was herself.

My anger for her will probably help me through this but I'm glad I kept my dignity & didn't give her a last memory of me shouting and going crazy which I'm sure would have helped her justify to some extent what she'd done.

She may feel a sense of relief at the moment that it's all behind her and be looking forward to Christmas, her 30th birthday and New Year but once these are finished and the reality of what she's left with; single, little money, no car, no plans and now 30 yr old she'll regret this I'm sure.

I'm determined to do most of the things suggested on this forum, get myself happy, fit and looking good again!!

I've got a new Audi coming, career is going well, I have various plans and options for my future.

If I can get over this & be happy again, see other girls & enjoy life once more it can only be a good thing.

 

Unfortunately after all she's done to me and how much I'm hurting I still want her back!!

I think that's probably natural and hopefully the feeling will pass, we're doing NC at the mo & I'll see where that gets us…I do understand even if we were to get back together things wouldn't be the same – we both need some time apart now for different reasons but I do still hope there can be a future for us in time.

Probably not going to happen but then I never expected this to happen so who knows.

Maybe I would just love to see her want me back for my own pride but at the moment I couldn't imagine a better situation than being happy without her and having the option there of taking her back!!

 

If you made it to here thanks for reading and hope you see something that helps you understand your situation as reading other posts has helped me.

 

Your comments would be greatly appreciated.

 

By the way loved the posts by Superdave71…you've helped me through this mate so thanks for that!!

 

"If it doesn't kill you it only makes you stronger"

[yeawutever]

Wow, that's one of the longest post I heard on infidelity, wow 12 yrs and she did her deed in a few months, dang, she became a loser. Plz, don't go back to her, there is NO EXCUSE, and I'll repeat it again, NO EXCUSE, for cheating, NONE WUT SO EVER. It's natural those feeling u have for wanting her back, but u'll get over her in time. I just don't understand why would people actually share their bodies with someone they not even consider to marry nor have a long term commitment and at the same time, the SO can be infected. How about u getting tested? Have u? Funny how this is coming from an average college girl who never been in a relation before, know nothing about it, but looking towards it. Just cuz she was abuse as a child and had other issues doesn't justify her actions and she didn't even told u herself. If u were to come back to her, then be prepare for the long miserable years of wondering where is at, with who is she with, wondering wut she's doing when she's on the comp and wondering if ur gonna be infected with an STD. Plus the fact that she got caught will make it much longer to work it out than if she had told it herself. U did a nice job in leaving her, she doesn't deserve. Dang, wish people would stop cheating, I can't never picture myself doing that if I were in a relation, I'll never do it.

[Beec]

How you feel is soemthing that I cannot comment on, except I think you need to realize that if someone who gave you love, caring appreciation, etc. for twelve years is no longer there, you are going to want her back. You want the feeligns you had when she did give you those things. And, she was a large part of your life. Filling that hole will not be easy and might not be possible. You can probably find another woman, but there will still be a space there for her.

 

My big point about having her come back to you would be a question as to could you trust her. I have seen many posts in which someone was cheated on and stayed with the cheater, shoosing to forgive them, but it is not so simple. Trust once broken takes a lot of time to fix, if it can be fixed. Most of the time, it is never really fixed. So I would keep that in mind.

 

Lick your wounds, heal and then try to move on.

 

Good luck.

[ratherbesailing]

nowaysis -

 

I feel your pain having been there myself. I'll never get over the fact that someone I loved and who loved me could lie like that, it kind of shakes your whole foundation.

 

I wanted her back in the worst way but that feeling passes pretty quickly, thank goodness.

 

Hang in there. You will have good days and bad for a while but you'll find the strength to get through it.

 

By the way, it was Nietschie that said "That which does not kill us makes us stronger".

[Cecelius]

I say that you cut your losses and walk, without regret. Pretend that the woman you knew has passed away.

 

She's banging another guy and then coming back to you to have sex? Personally, I think she should get the scarlet letter for that. How dare she put her skanky self on you after doing the other guy.

 

Just walk. You are young and there is plenty of time.

[nowaysis]

Ailec: Yes I have been tested and it's ok thank god. I did ask her to be tested to save me the experience but decided I couldn't trust her answer anyway. We haven't spoken for a month, she said she'd get tested and call me with the results but she hasn't.

Beec I've enjoyed reading your previous posts and know that I need to heal and move on.

Once i'm happy with my life without her I'll be in a better position to decide whether I'd go back. At the moment that isn't an option anyway and I am a little better everyday though as ratherbesailing says it's good days and bad days but the good ones are becoming more frequent.

 

Thanks for the replies everyone

[Rabican]

Daaaaaayum. I feel your pain bro... i really do. Her heart must have just turned cold as ice to pull that after 12 years. Amazing that someone can still get the 'grass is greener syndrome' after 12 years.... why are people always wondering what else is out there, when they have a good thing right in their face. I give you props for the way you laid it out there to her though, Im sure thats going to be a hard pill for her to swallow for some time to come.

 

that being said.... move on. I wouldnt go back to her ever I think if it were me. That much time with her, to have her end it like that... wow.

 

Good luck man, good luck. Keep your head up.