Am I Overreacting?

[LostInMyThoughts]

Every year my mom complains about buying gifts for us for christmas. She says things like "We're not Christians, we shouldn't be celebrating Christmas." or "You are old enough so you don't need any presents." or "You make so much money, you don't need any presents."

 

We celebrated Christmas when I was growing up; so its not really a Christian holiday to me, its an American holiday.

 

Until last year, my mom would call me and ask what I wanted for xmas. No biggie.

 

Last year I spent xmas eve with my inlaws, then spent xmas with my family. My mom (who does the shopping) didn't buy us (my sister and I) any gifts. I didn't mind, because xmas is about more than giving gifts, and I figured my mom had finally made good on her promise to stop buying us gifts.

 

This year, again my mom didn't ask what I wanted for xmas, so I figured that she wasn't planning on getting us gifts again. I talked to her about it, and she reiterated that we don't need gifts.

 

Then last week I called to tell her that I was divorcing my wife, giving her most the details--my wife cheating on me, being separated, yada yada. She felt bad for me. A few days later I found out from my sister that my mom felt bad and so she went out and got me an expensive gift that "I was really going to like". That pissed me off.

 

I'm angry at her because she only bought me the gift out of guilt. If it was out of love, why did it take me being cheated on and getting divorced to make her buy me a gift for xmas?

 

It's a nice gesture, but I think its insulting. She didn't want to buy me a present, and she wasn't going to, until she found out how bad things have been for me lately.

 

I would have been perfectly happy not getting a single friggin gift for xmas. Instead I get this pity gift.

 

UGH i'm so pissed.

[WildChild]

Well, maybe it's not guilt, maybe she feels bad for you and wants to do something to cheer you up? I go through the same hassle with my family, and it takes away the spirit of giving and the actual meaning of Christmas to the point I dread it....oh bother as pooh would say LOL

[SLMitchell918]

I am so sorry to hear about your marriage. This is a bad time to go through all this. Try not to look on the bad side of everything with your mother. I know how it is upseting because it does come off as a pitty gift but just take it with a grain of salt and try to get through your rough time. She may have meant it as a "sweet" gesture, i suppose it depends on how you look at it. She may be trying to cheer you up. Hang in there and be thankful for your family over the holidays.

 

Take Care & Best of Luck

[BellaDonna]

I'm angry at her because she only bought me the gift out of guilt. If it was out of love, why did it take me being cheated on and getting divorced to make her buy me a gift for xmas?

 

It's a nice gesture, but I think its insulting. She didn't want to buy me a present, and she wasn't going to, until she found out how bad things have been for me lately.

 

I would have been perfectly happy not getting a single friggin gift for xmas. Instead I get this pity gift.

 

UGH i'm so pissed.

 

I understand what you mean. The principle behind the matter is kind of messed up. But I'm sure your mom not intend to insult you with it, and probably thought it would somehow bring you some extra holiday cheer. You never know what goes through a mom's mind.....

 

Try not to sweat the small stuff- you're already in a time of stress due to divorce- so now's the time to bring your family closer to you for support.

 

I hope things get better,

 

 

BellaDonna

[LostInMyThoughts]

The thing is, back in August my mom knew I was going through I rough time.

 

When I found out about my wifes affair, and the impending seperation, I came parents house to tell them that I was having problems.

 

Of course I was crying because of the hurt. Normally I don't cry, and so my mom knew something was really wrong.

 

So having known that, why not get me a gift to cheer me up?

 

Family is important, but unfortunately just because I'm related by blood to my mom and dad, they're not my family. My family is my sister, and my best friend; really the only two people who have stuck beside me through this whole ordeal. Luckily my little sister is a friggin amazing person, and she and I have plans to spend christmas together. We were joking about making Mac n Cheese with Hot Dogs for dinner.

 

Im now just ranting because I'm pissed at my parents for a variety of reasons.

 

As for having a bad xmas, there is spose to be a new xbox360 shipment this weekend, so I still have a shot at getting one, so dont worry bout me.

[WildChild]

So maybe this sudden gift idea from your mom is just adding to your being pissed off at them? More like a "how typical" kinda thing?

[ratherbesailing]

lostinmythoughts -

 

It sounds like your mom just wants to help make you feel better and it sounds like Christmas has given her an excuse to do that with a present. I don't know the other reasons that you hold resentment for her but you yourself have said that Christmas is about giving and that's what she wants to do. Why be critical of that?

 

I didn't always see eye to eye with my mom but when I went through my divorce she was terrific. Let her have the chance to help you in anyway she's capable, even if it isn't in the form that you'd prefer. Going through divorce is tough and you need all of your family. Try not to let something as simple as a gift alienate you from her.

[LostInMyThoughts]

My problem is that why did it take me getting divorced for her to get me a gift. After her moaning about not buying gifts, I feel like this isn't a real gift, its not something given from the heart. Just something that is suppose to make me feel better.

 

Like getting a present from someone who would otherwise not get me a present is going to make me feel any better.

 

I know she's trying, but I really don't want anything from her other than to be left the hell alone.

[WildChild]

OK, so she wasn't being supportive of you right away when she originally found out you were having marital problems and now you feel her actions are not sincere? Am I correct in assuming that you and your mother do not have the most amicable relationship?

[LostInMyThoughts]

My mom and I use to have a great relationship, until my marriage turned south.

 

I went to my parents to get support, but it wasn't the support I needed. They blamed me for the problems in my marriage, and wanted me to work things out.

 

There are a lot of valid reasons for me to be pissed off at my parents, I guess this is just another issue.

 

Perhaps if this was an isolated incident, I could take it for what it is, a nice gesture from my mom. Looking at the whole big, ugly picture its more than that.

 

This is much more than a simple inconsiderate gesture, I guess. I've got a whole load of anger, and I'm finally realizing who is responsible for it.

[WildChild]

So, the question for you now is how are you going to deal with your mother before, during or after the gift? Are you going to accept it? Are you going to confront the issues? And if so, before Christmas? Are you going to let it slide during the holidays or since they don't celebrate it normally let her know right away? I'm not bombarding you with questions to drive you nuts, but I am attempting to get you to open up your emotions and feelings about your relationship with your parents, even if it's within yourself, to release some of the resentment.

 

I am sorry they weren't supportive of you Lost

[LostInMyThoughts]

Thanks WildChild; you're not driving me nuts. You're advice is exactly what I need to do (and honestly what I have been doing.)

 

Right now I'm staying away from my parents because my anger is just so raw. I can easily see myself doing more harm than good by confronting them.

 

My sister is coming to hang out with me for xmas, so I'm not worried about spending the holidays alone.

 

As for the gift, I'm trying to figure out how to deal with it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to tell my mom to return the gift and instead use the money to buy toys for the Toys for Tots program-- today I learned the local branches had about 1/4 of the donations from last year

 

I don't like being pissed off at my mom, but I do know that I have valid reason for being angry with her and my dad. I'm also doing what I can to support and release my anger.

[WildChild]

First I'm glad to hear you have your sister with you during the holidays, especially since the the decision for the divorce. And you two sound like you are a good support system for each other re: your parents. Second, that is a very sound decision to stay away from your parents right now. Third, what a PERFECT idea for your gift. Same here in our area, the Toys for Tots gifts were way down this season and it is so sad! And finally, it is good that you are acknowledging your reasons for being angry at them. Just because they are our parents, do not make them God.