Contacted my EX after 12 years of no contact

[Haunted]

Hi there,

 

I e-mailed my ex after 13 years of no contact after a very bitter, nasty breakup. He e-mailed me back almost immediately, within 20 minutes. Although we are both married (to other people, of course) and have kids, I still miss him and love him. We didn't break up because things didn't work out, more on the contrary, things were going FANTASTIC. He was in the military and had to go overseas, and I didn't want to go with him. I turned down his marriage proposal, and I think I hurt his pride. I tried to stay with him without getting married, but he refused. He got engaged to a military woman only weeks after the breakup, and he is still married to her today. I know he didn't love her, he told me before we broke up. I found out about his engagement on his last night in the US from a friend. I was devastated, he didn't even say goodbye, and I thought I would never see him again. However, after six months, he sent me a card, just saying hi, nothing special. He still wasn't married at that time. I sent him a very mean letter back, wishing him hell on earth and all that good stuff. I was so hurt to have been replaced so quickly. Then, I ran into him 2 years later, when he was home on leave. He didn't expect to see me, and just froze. He tried to say something to me, but I just threw him a nasty glance and walked away. He still wasn't married then, and I think I may have had a chance to get back together with him then, but I blew it.

 

Back to the present, we have been e-mailing back and forth a bit, and with each e-mail he seemed to come out of his shell more and more. The last mail he sent to me was very positive, he sounded very interested to find out more about my life, and even hinted that he missed the days we were together. And then, all of a sudden, no more mails. It's been 8 weeks, and nothing. What gives? There are so many questions I still would like to ask him, but now it seems that he slammed the door in my face. On the 4th of July, I sent him an e-mail greeting, and confessed that I always wanted to be his wife, that I miss him, and wanted to know why he replaced me so fast with someone he said he didn't love.

 

Based on this info, do you think he still cares for me? I guess I did all that I can to get some answers from him to find closure. What do I do if he never responds to me again? I'm going insane here, this man was the love of my life....

[Always Hopeful]

There could be a variety of reasons why he is not responding anymore. I guess it could be anything from his wife finding out, to him being shipped overseas (is he still in the military?) to him realizing that he does not want to go further with this.

 

But there is another question to be asked outside of "why is he not responding."

 

Think about it. He's married. You are married. There are lots of risks moving forward with something like this. What would be the purpose of exploring feelings that might lead to something that both of you may not want (nasty divorces, break-ups, more angst and complications)? What road do you want to go down?

 

To tell you a personal story, I was in a relationship that was beautiful. God, was I in love. She made me feel like I was someone special, someone good to be with. I was very happy with this woman. But we were involved with other people at the time, and I think she realized that she didn't want to go down that road. This made it hard on me, and I still think I'm not completely over it. In anycase, the breakup turned nasty and consequently, we haven't spoken in awhile. She is still angry at me and does not even want to be friends anymore. Of course, this hurts. She will also be leaving soon for an overseas assignment, and I will probably never see her again.

 

But when I think about it now, may be that's not a bad thing. I'm still with the woman I was having a relationship with prior to meeting this other woman. She is still with the man she was having a relationship with when she met me. So in the long run, may be this was all meant to be. May be we need to be apart to find out what it is we NEED in life, not what we WANT. What I am trying to learn, trying to come to terms with, and may be what you need to hear as well, is that desire is not intelligence and love does not always equate to, or lead to, wisdom. And happiness? It's the sum of the little parts in life that together make a greater whole.

 

Somewhere down the road of life, you and your ex were not meant to be. This is not necessarily a bad thing.

[Haunted]

Thanks for your input! He just sent me a response to my last e-mail. Looks like his marriage is in trouble.....we will see where this will lead...

[Always Hopeful]

Well, I'm glad he has contacted you, but may be you should stand back and let his marriage situation pan out. It's a tough thing to insert yourself in that situation. Just my two cents.