Separated (dazed) and confused

[Gotnow]

Hello,

 

I am separated from my wife for about one month now. We have been married for 15 years – with no children. The separation in my idea as I was not happy and didn't see any real chance for change in the future. I really had been thinking about the possibility of divorce off and on for a while.

 

My wife had a challenging childhood being raise in a large family (more the 10 siblings), with minimal means and an alcoholic father. I don't how much this contributed to her adult behavior but it must have some effect. When I met her she was close to her family and had good friendships with decent people. Slowly as our relationship progressed she found reasons to eliminate people from her life – they were rude, not fair etc. This has continued to the point that I am really the only person she has/had. She at times is also a very angry, to the point of rage. Usually the rage is about what somebody said or did. I am no saint, and get caught up in the arguments. It got to the point were I just didn't want to share my feeling or even what I did that day for fear of breaking the peace. I know that she needs some help but I was not able to get her to believe that any of her actions of estrangements were problematic. A couple of years ago I was diagnosed with depression and have been on medication since. Depression has been a hard thing to shake, and I believe that part of the depression is related to staying in a marriage that I not happy in.

 

Up until a year ago I was drinking regularly, never was I sloppy drunk but I would drink at least 3 beers a night and often more. Since my late teens there were very few days were I didn't drink or smoke pot or do some other drugs. I am totally clean now. In spite of all of that I am College educated professional whose has a successful career. I was contemplating divorce before I became sober, however not having the alcohol to hide behind really brought some clarity to my life.

 

I knew my wife would be enraged when I told her I wanted to leave and I was not disappointed. I expected her to label me a bad husband and hire a lawyer, she didn't.

What I didn't expect was that after a couple of weeks she has made an apparently sincere commitment to dealing with her issues and recreating our relationship and she is in counseling.

 

My problem is this; I do still love her but not in the way a man should love his wife – or is that what happens to love when the lust fades? I love her and care for her as a person and want her to live a full and happy life. She has been pleading and begging me to come back and try again. I really wish she would agree that divorce and a fresh start is best for the both of us. I know I don't need her consent to divorce but the guilt and second guessing is cause a lot of guilt and generally making me miserable. I guess that comes with the territory. The bottom line is that I believe that my life would be better with out her and she believes that her life would be better with me. This has got me so wound up in a knot that I don't know whether to cry or laugh.

 

Thanks for listening

[hardcharger]

i don't really have any advice but to say that i have had to tolerate my wife's rages many times over the years. i started a diary of them two years ago and that helps to console me somewhat. i can see the repeated pattern that occurs without any provocation from me.

 

no kids, that makes it a little different than having the responsibility of disrupting childrens lives for your own happiness on your shoulders. i know in my case, my kids are absolutely better off with us staying together, at least for a few more years, until they fly off. but every case is different, sometimes there is not other choice and everyone is better off. off course, my wife often points out to my children how i don't care about them. The truth is i put up with so much of her raves, just because what i think is in the best interest of their well-being.

 

you picked a good place to pose your question. there are many, very smart people who will hopefully give you valuable advice to consider. in the end the choice is yours. sometimes enough is enough!

[Hope75]

You should not take your wife back out of guilt. This is your life too. It takes two willing parties to make a relationship work, and as damaged as your relationship is, if you don't feel it's worth salvaging, even with her renewed effort, than it's not going to work.

 

On the other hand, if you love her and want to give it another try, with both of you working together at it and possibly seeking counseling as a couple in addition to separately, you may have a chance.

[heloladies21]

Well it sounds like you've already made up your mind friend. Take a little more time to make sure, but everyone deserves to be happy.

[brokenwings75]

Love is work. I think we forget all of the effort we put into being in love in the beginning, all of the things we did to make that other person fall in love in the first place. We think that it's just lust and it just fades away when really we forget to keep working at it.

 

If you've put in all of the effort you're willing to put into your relationship with your wife, then you've already made your decision. The question you have to ask yourself is whether you really put yourself into it 100% or whether you just retreated and gave up because that was easier. If you don't face that question, your own issues will continue to follow you throughout every relationship in your life and you still won't be happy. Everyone does deserve happiness, but no one is entitled to it. Happiness is hard to come by without working at it.

 

It sounds like you have already made up your mind, so you should be honest with your wife and let her know that there is nothing she can do. That will be a difficult thing for your wife to accept, but you can't give her hope if there is none. It seems as though your wife loves you enough to change and to still want you in her life, but it doesn't do her any good to put her efforts into something she has no chance of saving. Don't let her waste any more of her time working toward something she'll never achieve if you are certain that it is over.

[Bethany]

If your not sure, maybe you should go and talk to her counsellor about her and your relationship. It could be beneficial to both of you and might open up new doors you never knew you had.

 

but if your certain that it's over and do not want to try again, you need to tell her. It would be a good time to leave now as she is in counselling and has support.

 

But either way with her begging you, it must be putting you under alot of pressure to stay but do not be the subject of her emotional blackmail (intentional or not). If you want to leave, then it's your decision.

[GreatGuy]

Everyone above is right. Plus you spent 15 years with this woman and that's long time ...long enough for you to know your decisions for wanting out. You mentioned the issues, will you be willing to stay if she works on them with a professional??

There is your answer!

[LifeArtist]

Gotnow and hardcharger:

 

I think we could form a club! I have similar issues in my marriage. We happen to have kids, and I have thought for some time that it was best for me to stay in the marriage until they are on their own.

 

I'm starting to doubt the wisdom of that decision. My daughter, with whom I am very close, has complained to me that it is hard for her to listen to my wife's constant criticism of me, especially when I'm not there. Of course, it also hurts that my wife criticizes her as well.

 

It just doesn't seem like a healthy situation for the children to grow up in. Besides, I'm no saint and my simmering resentment often results in my not being very nice to my wife.

 

I do love her and want the best for her as a person, although not at the expense of my own happiness. I can't help but wonder if the opportunity for her to move on and create the life of her own choosing wouldn't be the best.

 

I was a manager in my last job and one of the things I heard in seminars and read in books was that for some people, being fired from a position that was a poor fit ended up being the best thing that ever happened to them. I did fire a couple of people who WERE poor fits to their jobs but moved away before I ever heard how it worked out for them.

 

There have been times in the past when I talked about divorce and my wife essentially begged me for the opportunity to change and to make things work. The problem is that she is NOT comfortable with the idea of counseling and I don't think that trying to change for someone else has much chance of success. You have to want to change FOR YOURSELF.

 

I think back on my decision to marry and I wonder if I was very smart about it. I didn't pay much attention to our differences and probably doubted my ability to find someone who was a better fit.

 

Even if we do divorce, I'm not sure that I would characterize our marriage as a mistake. We have two wonderful children, a pretty nice financial nest egg, and a lot of great memories.

 

And how do you know if you have really given up, that there is no hope for a better marriage? How do you know if divorce will be the best thing you ever did or if you will have regrets for the rest of your life or if you will continue to repeat the same "mistakes" with future relationships?

 

I cannot predict the future any more than I can change the past. What I can do is try to understand my now and to make my best decision, given my current understanding of myself.

 

My decision in this now is to not suggest/choose divorce right before Christmas and a family trip to visit my mom. But I do feel the choice of divorce in the near future solidifying within.