abusive relationship

[steff]

okay, i think my sister is in the beginning of an abusive relationship. first of all, most of you know that my sister is dating someone that no member in my family likes, i, however have attempted to be nice to him, and have gone round for dinner a couple of times to make it easier for jessika.

 

the thing is, last night i called her up at around 11pm asking her when she would be home, she was in tears so i asked her what was wrong, she told me that zak had spat in her face because another man called her mobile phone. she told me that zak was calling her a * * * * and all these really horrible names, and that she wasnt aloud to talk to anyone, where they were, and that she had to pretend that nothing was happening.

 

here is some history on zak, jessika has to tell him her every movement, he has to know where she is and with who. she gets in trouble if she is out, and he doesnt know about it. he took her sim card and put it in his phone so he could receive all the phone calls and messages that were being sent to her phone.

 

she tells me that he hasnt hit her yet, but i wouldnt be surprised if he has. i asked her to brake up with him last night, but she didnt, and instead stayed the night, and still hasnt come home. she told me that she cant leave him, because she loves him to much, and she cant live without him.

 

they plan on getting married earily next year, and have a baby soon after, although my family doesnt know that, and if they did, my father would disown my sister...

 

please help me, i dont know what to do to help her, she needs to brake up with this guy, but i dont know what to do, any advise would be greatly appreachated

 

thank you.

 

steffany.

[neallo82288]

Here is a post that might help you recognize an abusive relationship:

 

link removed

 

 

Pay particular attention to the posted reply by The Morrigan. In this post she points out the signals of an abusive relationship.

 

Now that I have that out of the way. Let me tell you that the only way to help your sister is to let her ask for help or atleast look hopeless and in need of help. She will resent you if you get in the middle of her relationship too early. Just be there when she needs you and keep your opinions to yourself until you feel she is in danger. You maybe able to point out that she is in an abusive relationship by telling her the symptoms of an abusive relationship, but remember that she just might resent you for it at first. In time she will forgive you.

[Gracelove]

Your sister is definitely in an abusive relationship. I have a cousin who made the mistake of marrying her abuser. I wish I could give you some helpful advice, however I've been unsuccessful in convincing my cousin to leave her then "boyfriend" and now "husband".

If you can talk her into separating from him for a 2month period (no communication time), that may really help.

That was the beginning of the end of my abusive relationship.

[sparticuss]

Steff

Did you actually copy any of this stuff from the list of signs of an abusive relationship that I posted two months ago. It was from Darebin Womens Shelter.

Having to account for your time is one of those signs.

 

I'd post it again but it seeems to cause all sorts of complaints to the moderators. Mostly because I also use it as an indicator of sure signs of an abused husband too.

Nobody wants to talk about battered husbands.

 

Steff

You have enough information here to contact both the local womens refuge, and the police. There's only so much that they can do but they still like to hear of these concerns as soon as possible. Mostly because if this guy has a previous record then thats when they can do somethng.

[RandomAdvisor]

I agree that this definitly sounds like an abusive relationship. How old is your sister? If she's still a minor telling your parents might be the best idea.

[steff]

my sister is 20, and her boyfriend is 24, she tells me that he hasnt hit her yet, but he still spat in her face.

[RandomAdvisor]

Spitting in someone's face could still be considered assault I think. The fact that he hasn't hit her doesn't fundamentally change the situation. If you read through some of the old posts on the abuse and violence forum, you will see that it never starts off with hitting. First the abuser breaks the abusee down emotionally with verbal abuse. Then they will start to act violent around the abusee by breaking things, throwing things, and generally being intimidating. Then they start hitting them, and it's always the fault of the person who was hit, they apologize, they swear it'll never happen again...and it doesn't happen again. Until the next time they lose their temper. Which wont be long at all.

 

If your sister is over 18, telling your parents might not be the best idea yet. If they react quickly and come down hard on her they may have the opposite affect and push her further into this man's arms. You're in a very delicate situation here and you have to be careful about how you speak to your sister about this. Ultimately though, you can't help her. You can only help her to help herself.

 

I think printing up one of these lists about signs you're in an abusive relationship and showing it to her might be a good idea. Let her know you think she should leave this man, but don't be too pushy. Be supportive. Hopefully she is already thinking the kinds of things you'll say to her, and hearing it from another person will help her to do what she knows she should. If she agrees and decides to dump him, she should move quickly and decisively. No need to break up with him in person. He doesn't deserve it and I think it would be asking for trouble. Doing it through the phone or a letter would be fine.

 

If he threatens her in any way go to the police and file a report immediately. A restraining order would also be wise. In fact, a restraining order even if he doesn't threaten her is probably the way to go.