Keeping a conversation afloat

[Mandoro]

Hello folks,

 

I seem to be in a bind here. I can always start talking to people, forcibly, but I can never keep a conversation going. It usually goes to about Hey, how are you today.......What is that you are listening to. After that there is an awkward silence.

 

Another thing, is it weird that I can talk with males with no problem, but not females? I don't think it is, but I just wanted to make sure.

[RescueDiver]

Hey, how are you today.......What is that you are listening to.

 

Okay here's your first problem... you're trying to talk to someone that has headphones on. Try talking to girls that aren't listening to their iPod and you'll probably have better luck. Second, try talking about current events, ask open ended questions, etc... No it's not weird that you have an easier time talking to guys. You can practice your skills by talking to every female possible. That'll get you more comfortable with talking to them.

[Belle]

Mando,

 

Love your avatar by the way.

You simply need to practice getting comfortable around girls. Start talking to women that don't intimidate you. Then start talking to those that do. About anything. If they are wearing or carrying something interesting, comment on it in a relaxed way. Elevators are great places to practice conversations. You both end up looking at each other at some point because someone has to get on first. Then you smile and say "hi, how are you?" You'd be surprised how responsive most people are (depending on where you live) with that one little phrase and a smile. I've had people yap my ear off even after I got off on my floor. But it's fun. You talk about weather, you make a joke. It could be anything. Situational jokes are the best ice breaker.

 

Best of luck,

 

Belle

[Mun]

The most interesting topic of conversation to a person is themselves. They can usually talk for hours. So asking them a question about themselves is a good start.

 

Say hello and then ask something like "where did you get ( those shoes, that backpack, that funky sweater) ..." "what are you studying" "what is that book you're reading about" are some ideas.

If there is a silence afterwards then just let it be. If they want to keep talking they will offer something back ... if not, then excuse yourself and move on.

[registered]

Yeah, what Mun said

 

People love to speak about themselves, and it makes conversation easy - it just turns it into a game of listening

Show interest in what others show interest in, they will be flattered. Even ake cues from your environment if you have to.

Try and avoid "yes/no answerable" questions. Questions asking for feelings, opinions and experience are good.

 

Conversation will come naturally for you if you just practise, practise, practise (there are no gimmicks...conversation just is)

Find any non-threatening opportunity to practise conversation...think about talking to cashiers, shop assistants, bus drivers, etc.

Belle's suggestion of elevators was great!

 

Just be yourself - this is most important.

Don't ever fear saying the wrong thing or worry about trying to impress people. If you are comfortable and confident this won't matter at all.

[traz]

I also feel conversations depend alot on the other person..I can talk very freely with some people and with others I run out of things to say quickly

[ShySoul]

Open ended questions are a must. As is building off of previous questions. If you ask what she is listening to, ask her if she is a fan of that kind of music. If you like the same music build on that.

 

Another trick is to ask questions about her and her interests until you hit on something you like and are familiar with. Then you can both talk about that.

 

And of course, stay calm and believe in yourself.

[Markers]

agree with above, just make sure you're not shooting her with questions, like all she does is to answer your (open ended) questions. You gotta put your own stuff in the between once and for a while so she doesn't feel pressured (and she might want to be the good listener too).

[ShySoul]

You gotta put your own stuff in the between once and for a while so she doesn't feel pressured (and she might want to be the good listener too).

 

Good point Markers. Yes, a lot of people like to talk about themselves, but the conversation needs to be balanced to. Likewise, you should be more open with your responses. Don't just say "yeah" or "fine" or other one word/sentence answers.

 

Be enthusiastic. If you look like you don't want to be having the conversation, thats how the other person will feel as well.

[cruisin]

Mandoro -- I'd like to say one thing about the "people love to talk about themselves" thing. This is not necessarily true, not at all, at least not in every sense of the term. There is information about oneself and there are opinions or things that reveal a person's personality or character. If you're talking about the latter, then fine, people will like that, but I think many people misunderstand the phrase "talk about yourself" and it IS misused. The opener "tell me about yourself" is looking more often than not, for facts, not opinions. I would say it's not unusual for people, especially women used to being hit on by all sorts!, to not want to talk.

 

I find it very annoying when people I don't know come right out and ask me questions about myself. I find it very intrusive. People from different backgrounds and different cultures perceive personal questions differently. Of course, there are degrees of "talking about yourself" and depending on the situation you have put yourself in, then people will be more or less likely to talk about themselves. I mean, if I go to a party, I feel rather obligated to answer questions about myself. Then again, not too personal. But outside, to a stranger, I'm not likely to say much at all.

 

Also, I interview people as a part of my work as a journalist and often people don't want to talk about themselves, or they at least don't want to FEEL like they are being bombarded with only the type of questions that, if answered, will be very revealing about themselves. A lot of these people are very well-known or very private people and just tired of being asked about themselves. A lot of people are like that, even though they aren't celebrities (although of course, most of us our in our own minds, right?! ) Many such people will slowly reveal themselves to you but but not so willingly and very often not in an obvious way, not in a direct way. So, you want to keep the questions aimed at various things. You want to jump from personal facts to current events, opinions, back and forth. If they mention a personal experience go to that for a few questions, go in, come back out, say something about yourself, your own experience, then back to them. Keep the movement and change the focus of your question. And always, when they are talking about themselves, SHOW INTEREST. You don't have to pry or ask them to go into detail, but actually listen to them, or really look like it, act sincere, a concerned look, a raised eyebrow, something that knows you REALLY heard what they said. Yes and no questions are fine. And give people time to answer on their own. Pauses are important. Linger on their "yes" or their "no" a bit with a look of slightly expectant concern and see if they want to elaborate. DON'T repeat what they said. It sounds like you're annoyed that they don't feel like elaborating (which you may be but...) But most importantly, keep the movement and focus of your questions changing in order to keep the whole thing light. You'll see where someone is comfortable and where they are not. Keep them comfortable. Unlike me, you don't HAVE to get a printable story out of them. A lot of times I have to make people slightly uncomfortable or I walk away with a very pleasant conversation but NO story! But, in most situations, if you keep people comfortable, you will have an enjoyable time. If YOU had an enjoyable time, they will likely have had an enjoyable time. And that's what you ARE looking for, right?