The hard part of getting back together

[confusedashell]

Ok well, most of you know, my wife and I resolved our differences for the most part. Until she walked out, I really trusted her more than anyone in the world. We'd been through a hell of a lot together and I really felt secure in our relationship and in us making plans for a common future (house, family etc), but when she walked out, that was all destroyed. No matter how much I do understand her reasons and in some ways, think it could be the best thing we did, its still given our relationship a big blow. From my side anyway. I have not returned to live with her yet (tieing up the lose ends from the death of my mother), but we talk on the phone a couple of times a day, I tell her my reservations and she tells me not to be so negative and that it will all be fine and "we'll be together for the rest of our lives if want it".

 

It still doesnt help. I was never a person who thought the worst each time their SO went out or whatever, but its almost like whenever I'm not talking to ger, and even when I am, I think she is up to something: either met someone or at least has cheated. She of course says I'm being silly and that nothing even remotely like that has even crossed her mind. I am very very concerned that I'll go "ok, lets put everything we have into this and fix it all" and put my heart and soul into it and she'll walk out again. I just dont know.

 

She is a very good looking woman and I know she gets a lot of attention from men, but since she ended it, my self confidence and taken a bashing. She even tells me how many many ask her out and tell her to finish with me. Ok,s he does this when shes been out and is pretty drunk, but it still kind of hurts. I appreciate her honesty in some ways, that she tells me a guy asked her out and she immeditaly replies that she is married and has children (her brother told me she does this, as she told me too), but I just get the feeling her head has grown 20 fold since I havent been there and shes has no child to look after and just been going out on the town. When I bring it up she says its nothing and I dont have to worry about any man, that I'm the only one she sees. Normally, I wouldnt give a crap how many guys asked her out but with all thats happened...well, it makes me feel bad. Guess I'm just feeling a little vunerable now...

 

sorry..hehe..needed to vent!

[BellaDonna]

All I can say is that your feelings are totally normal, given what has happened in your relationship.

 

Your wife sent you to hell in a handbasket for a while - so you're going to have some fears, even if everything is fine now.

 

I think it is excellent that the 2 of you are going to work things out. But if a person was hurt, simply deciding to work things out doesn't heal the prior wounds from the break up.

 

When you move back do you think your wife would consider marriage counseling with you? You both need a clean slate to start on. Maybe counseling will help both of you deal with any feelings of fear, doubt, insecurity, etc. She doubted the relationship -so she left, and now you're having the doubts after the traumatic experience of her leaving.

 

Marriage counseling may help to resolve all doubts, once and for all. I think it will be easier for both of you to move forward with this marriage if those feelings are addressed with a professional. Just my .02 cents.

 

 

BellaDonna

[darkblue]

Hey confusedashell,

I seem to keep finding your threads.

 

Yes, being cautious is perfectly normal after what you have been through.

I also advise couple counselling if you feel it would help; it would be nice to start afresh.

 

Did you look into any rings?

[Orlander]

In total agreement with BellaDonna. Marriage Counseling would be beneficial.

 

Also, I hesitate to say this, but you should think seriously about telling her that you will not accept comments like you say she is expressing when she is drunk. She really needs to stop telling you how many guys hit on her. It sounds like it is a ploy to make you feel bad. Even if it is not, if you are uncomfortable with her telling you that or feel it is hurting your feelings, you should tell her and she should stop.

 

Another thing I just have to ask is, does she go out drinking on a regular basis? Does she get completely hammered when she does? Maybe this is something worth discussing.

 

Orlander

[confusedashell]

Hey all!

 

Thanks for the replies!

 

Well, I totally trying to just move on from it and just fix it all. The problem was that her finishing it like that and me having to move back to the UK meant that I lost my job in Sweden. Now, my old job in the UK has been offered to me and I'm just nervous about my own future. Regardless of if I was doing something like washing dishes before in Sweden, I would have had no problem since my family was (and still is!) my first priority and I had so mucg faith in my wife and our relationship. But now, I'm at this cross roads: do I give up the chance of financial security to relocate AGAIN and have to find a new job and hope that she wont go through this again. Before she didnt even give me a chance to find a place to live.

 

S thats my perdicament. When I told her that my job was offered to me again and I'd need to know by end of January if I wanted it her responce was: "well, you're not going to take it are you? you're coming home"...She is really trying to show me that she loves me, broke up with me because I hurt her and neglected her and us so much and showing me that all will be perfect now if we want it.

 

Well she isnt a drunk but she likes to go out and have drinks and dance with her friends. Honestly, before I really liked that she did this. I personally think that if a long term relationship is going to work both people need something that is just theirs and doesnt have much involvement from their partner. I mean something that they can do. I have my music and she has going out. I'm not a very socialable person. I dont really like to go out very often, I much prefer watching movies, eating good food at home, playing on the PC. We both are happy with eachothers pesonalities I think.

 

Yes! I've been looking at a couple of rings! A work mate recently got engaged and he spent roughly what I was thinking so I feel much better about that. In fact I think my wife would kill me for spending a fortune on a ring we'd much prefer a nice hoilday together. We are off for a long weekend just after Christmas together, minus the child Looking forward to that!