should you be friends? could you be friends?

[Nicesmile]

Hi

I have been reading all the posts and thanks. Really helps. I am at the stage where although I miss the ex and think about him alot, although am nostalgic about what we had and get angry and sad that he could throw it all away (3 years), am not really sure I would want to be with him romantically again. This is mainly due to his post-break up behaviour and not breakup behaviour or before break-up behaviour. The relationship had cracks and he wisely chose to bail out although I did ask that we try and work at it. He didn't feel he could and I respected that. But immediately after he went on a downward spiral and he did some crazy things. He basically told me his behaviour was a way of coping and whether thats true or not, I have decided to leave it at that. I have maintained NC (one month NC, broke up one month earlier) apart from one time when he had to drop off something for me.

 

But on the other hand he is not a bad person, we were really great friends. I have this dilemma, as a lover he might have treated me less than I deserved but as a friend we were good together. We shared so much... he loved to pick my brain and I loved the fact that he could pick my brain. I miss that. He was one of the very few people who could stimulate me mentally. I have been on a few sort of dates and those guys bored me within a few minutes because I kept on comparing their conversations with those I had with the ex sorry.....

 

I mean I see stuff that used to excite the two of us and am like dying to tell him about it, but so far I have managed not to. My question is, when is it a good time to be friends again and should we be friends? Could we be friends? he knows he hurt me and is giving me space. he left the door open, so to speak, and I can contact him when i want. he is not dating but what about a potential new G/F for him? how would the ex lover now friend fit into all this. I really do miss my friend.... Oh and we also have mutual friends...

[lillady898]

Are you completely over the romantic relationship the two of you had? Be completely honest with yourself about that. If you try to maintain a friendship with an ex you still have feelings for will only cause more pain and set you back in the healing process. Would you be able to handle hearing about the new girls in his life, or regularly hearing about where he goes and what he does and with whom, without getting upset or hurt? If not, you're not over the relatioship and you're not ready to be friends.

[Nicesmile]

Thanks Lill, I guess one month is too soon. I will give it time. I do miss him though....

[RescueDiver]

My question is, when is it a good time to be friends again and should we be friends? Could we be friends? he knows he hurt me and is giving me space. he left the door open, so to speak, and I can contact him when i want. he is not dating but what about a potential new G/F for him? how would the ex lover now friend fit into all this. I really do miss my friend.... Oh and we also have mutual friends...

 

Well the best time for that to happen is when you can interact with him and honestly be okay with it. There is no formula to figure it out because it's different for everyone. I would say minimum six months to a year. The ex- lover to friend thing can be very tricky and that will depend more on his new girlfriend(s) feelings about it. They may not care, or they may have a problem with it. Again, everyone is different there. For me it usually requires that I have moved on to a new interest because if I don't wait until that happens then I often find myself thinking "what-if's" and nursing thoughts of getting back together.