After It's All Over.... How to Handle This

[lizzy22]

Hello Everyone.

 

I have posted numerous times about my verbally abusive ex, and how the relationship has finally ended for good.

 

He is such a kind man, but his temper, cruel words, and hurtful actions were too much for me to take.

 

I even tried texting him on friday to say I missed him, but he did not respond. that just made me realize that not being with him anymore is the best decision i could have made in order to live a happier life.

 

Well, I have a brand new mountain bike that is locked up outside his place. We rode together a few times, and i didn't know we would break up, so he let me leave it at his place. i have the key to unlock it on my keychain, and I was thinking of going to pick it up from his place tomorrow.

 

The only thing is that he lives about 45 min away from me, and he is almost guaranteed to work every monday. he's an actor, so sometimes its not for sure, but in the 2 years ive been with him, he's rarely been off on a monday.

 

BUT, i really don't want to run into him, it would be too hard, plus, Im still hurting, and maybe the drive and being at his house will bring back the sadness and memories that has slowly gone away each day I haven't talked to him.

 

What would you all do? Forget the mountain bike, and mail him back the key, or drive to his place and get the bike??

[NKP]

i think give your friend the key and get your friend to get it for you

[ratherbesailing]

Yep, absolutely let a friend pick it up for you. Sorry your relationship didn't work out but I'm sure you are destined for bigger and better things.

 

Good luck.

[Relationship Coach]

He is such a kind man, but his temper, cruel words, and hurtful actions were too much for me to take.

 

First, stop referring to him as a "kind" man. Kind does not come to mind when you throw in temper, cruel words and hurtful actions. Be honest with yourself about whom he really is and what he sas done to you.

 

He has dominated your life to the point you have lost your own sense of self. You really don't miss him or his ways. You have an attachment issue with him. He has caused you great pain, I have followed your other posts. You are making a huge step in the right direction by moving forward without him. Stop looking for signs that he wants you back. The fact is you don't want him back he is bad for you.

 

If the bike is that important to you, go get it. Being that it is outside his place, this should not be a problem unless you feel that he would physically harm you if he saw you. This is a perfect example where NC is 100% for your benefit.

[lizzy22]

thanks for the replies. I was definatley thinking of having a friend go for me, but I would hate to bring them into this, and I don't have many that are available during the day when he is at work.

 

Im thinking of just letting the whole thing go, because the price i paid for the bike is not worth the emotions and or the chance of seeing him if i was to go to his place tomorrow and pick it up.

 

i guess i will just see how i feel tomorrow morning, and if i am strong enough to go without my emotions playing tricks on me.

 

I can honestly say each day I haven't talked to him gets easier, and the more I realize what a jerk he truly was to me. He is doing me a HUGE favor by not calling me.

[patience]

Ask a friend or relative to pick up the bicycle for you.

 

If it wasn't that expensive, I'd let it go.

 

Verbally abusive people are not 'kind' they are choosing to be very unkind. Kind men do not purposefully harm those whom they love.

 

Stay really far away from this man if at all possible. It's good that he doesn't live nearby!

[patience]

If you haven't already read it, there is a really great book that I think would REALLY help you out right now. It's called Why Does He Do That? : Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft.

 

Your local library should have it, if not, it is not an expensive book, and it is well worth it! The man who wrote it has been counselling abusive men for years, and what he says make a lot of sense and it may help you to free yourself fully from this man.

 

"Bancroft, the former codirector of Emerge, the nation's first program for abusive men, has specialized in domestic violence for 15 years, and his understanding of his subject and audience is apparent on every page."

 

This is one of the few books that actually helped me out years ago. A lot of the other books I read were too 'fluffy'.

[lizzy22]

You have all been a great help.

 

Ive been thinking of what I should do. one of the reasons I want to pick it up is so that it will be out of his sight, and he wont think im not picking my bike up as a way to stay in his life. I just want him to come home, see the bike gone, and realize Im truly done. He probably wont even care as he hasn't even called yet! Weve been together for 2 years and he doesn't even care to call me.

I don't want any reason to ever have to contact him again, or vice versa.

 

I am almost 100% sure he won't be there tomorrow if i go to pick it up, and if I see his car, I will not risk it, and go back home. Ive asked friends, but they all work or go to school during the day...

 

I just want this over, and the sooner I get this over with, the better I will feel i guess.

 

Hopefully I will be strong tomorrow and not let the drive to his home, or seeing my old familiar grounds get to me. I will see how i feel tomorrow.

 

I shouldn't let it, because that would be giving him power, and he does not deserve to even be missed or thought of by me. What he has done is cruel to me, and like you have all pointed out to me, he doesn't care, otherwise he wouldn't have called me names and verbally abused me.

 

Thanks to you all for your advice and suggestions! I will look at that book as well.