Expectations are killng my relationships

[Skippy]

Hey all,

 

Expectation... Well, i expect her to call, i expect her to consider me as much i consider her. i expect her to do what i do for her.. Reciprocate.

 

But in all reality, not everyone is the same. THey show love to different extent. I personally go all the way to show that i like someone, but, she on the other hand has been brought up, reserved.

 

I get fustrated and feel rejected at times, i like her but this is driving me crazy,

 

Does anyone hve ny ideas the solve this problem?

[Mr. Honeytoast]

I feel the same way here to, but mine is with a good friend of mine. I kinda sucks for us i guess. Good idea about givin them a shot of their own medicine. It wont work in my situation though because it is a friend but it shoule work in yours.

[ShySoul]

You want to feel loved, appreciated and see signs of affections. Everyone does. The thing is, as you said, people show affection in different ways and its frustrating cause we aren't used to picking up on those ways as we are quick to assume the other person will act just as we act.

 

Think about who she is, what is her personality, how she was raised. Think about the ideas and believes that shape who she is. That gives you an indication of what she is likely and is not likely to do. Does she believe the guy should be the one initiating everything? In that case you are going to have to initate and shouldn't be upset when she doesn't. Is she reserved? Is she really shy? Then her picking up a phone out of the blue and calling you isn't likely to happen.

 

However, a reserved person is likely to show they care in subtle ways. Think about how she looks at you, the tone of her voice, the smile she gives. When you initiate something, how does she respond? If you put your arm around her, does she lean into you. Does she compliment you? It's hard to say, but you can generally get a vibe from someone that they care.

 

If you want her to be showing affection more, you probably need to take it slow. Show her affection and love and gradually get her comfortable with sharing those things instead of being so reserved. The quiet, reserved ones... they are the ones who can really love passionately, it just takes awhile for them to be comfortable enough to let go.

[annie24]

Hey all,

 

Expectation... Well, i expect her to call, i expect her to consider me as much i consider her. i expect her to do what i do for her.. Reciprocate.

 

But in all reality, not everyone is the same. THey show love to different extent. I personally go all the way to show that i like someone, but, she on the other hand has been brought up, reserved.

 

I get fustrated and feel rejected at times, i like her but this is driving me crazy,

 

Does anyone hve ny ideas the solve this problem?

 

 

How long have you been dating her? Many girls are somewhat "old-fashioned" and in the beginning stages of dating will let the man do the pursuing. ie, they'll wait for the guy to call, and for the guy to ask out on a date, etc. Depending on your situation, don't get so discouraged. Is she going out with you when you ask her out?

[Skippy]

annie24..

 

The answer to that is long enough!!

 

I was told by a female friend that i have to give her room to let her reach...

 

u see.... if you are the one that keeps msging her, calling her at work and after work there is no use in her calling and giving you that attention. You have ALREADY spoilt her because all her NEEDS are met and she doesnt have to GIVE. so the advice is to give you both a little space. Move back and let her miss you and reach for you. It isnt about a "game" it is about self control and human nature. AND if you call all the time there is nothig to really talk about later thus the conversation gets boring and she/he doesnt want to talk. It is about letting situations during the day happen in each others life so at the end of the day there is something to share. It isnt about space (thought it can be) and it is not about independence (for my case) i think it is about having nothing to talk about or work for if every little thing has already been shared by the end of the day. She has everything she wants, attention, care etc, she doesnt have to work for it. I have spoilt her, so in the end i have realised that i have created the situaton that i am in, it isnt her fault, i hasnt been her fault all along, like she said..... 'there isnt a problem with the relationship' (from her perspective) and she is right.

 

So i was told to pull back a little... call less, sms less, (NO IM or ICQ, for 2 weeks) BUT explain that u will be busy for 2 weeks and see what happens. Always answer her calls HAPPY, always answer SMS happy and promptly, (so she knows that u are happy to SEE and Hear her), keep our major routines like call before bedtime but keep it short and warm and say that u are sleepy(even though you arent) it will create a need for her to want more from u and thus she will make more attempts and show more cos she wants more. It is a form of conditioning.

 

BUT BEWARE, it can also back fire!!! U make the DECISION and U take your risk!

 

 

Now to question is.. am i so afraid to lose her that i am 'bugging' her all the time?

AND

Am i willing to lose the relationship if i decide to give the relationship the room to REACH.

 

As for all our advice above i am trying it out, especailly trying to understand her personality and finding the way to 'SEE' that she cares just as much, and being patient (my weak point).

[ShySoul]

It depends, how often are you calling her? Are you calling every hour? Yes, thats too much. Are you calling at say lunch to say hi for 5 minutes, and then again at night to talk about what happened during the day? Then I think its ok.

 

To me it does seem like a game or like its about control. I call enough, so now I'm going to wait until she calls me. I think that people should call when they feel like calling, just go with the flow instead of worrying about all these kinds of issuses. I can understand the thing about not having a lot to say. That's why I think day calls can be kept short, more of a way of saying that you are thinking of the person and care enough to take the time to give a call. That way, calls at night can be the long detailed talks of what you did in the day.

 

Also, keep up the effort to understand her ways of showing affection. They are there.

[annie24]

Yeah, but how long have you been dating? If you just started dating, flooding her with phone calls, texts, etc isn't a good idea. But, if you are engaged and planning a wedding, 5 phone calls a day may be what's necessary! And like shy asked, are you calling her 1-2 a day? That's fine. Are you calling every hour? That's not fine.

 

You talked about what this friend of yours thinks, but you never mentioned how your girlfriend feels. Is she receptive to your advances? Is she happy to hear from you? How often does she call you?

[ShySoul]

You talked about what this friend of yours thinks, but you never mentioned how your girlfriend feels. Is she receptive to your advances? Is she happy to hear from you? How often does she call you?

 

Yes, how does she feel? While going to a friend is good at times and can give you things to think about, realize that she isn't in the relationship. She is going off of her experiences and relationships, which may not fit yours. Instead of being concerned with what she thinks, you should be focused on you and your girlfriend. How does each of you feel? What is her personality and how does she communicate? Is it easy or hard for her to open up? Does she initate often, and if not is there a good reason why?

 

So i was told to pull back a little... call less, sms less, (NO IM or ICQ, for 2 weeks) BUT explain that u will be busy for 2 weeks and see what happens. Always answer her calls HAPPY, always answer SMS happy and promptly, (so she knows that u are happy to SEE and Hear her), keep our major routines like call before bedtime but keep it short and warm and say that u are sleepy(even though you arent) it will create a need for her to want more from u and thus she will make more attempts and show more cos she wants more. It is a form of conditioning.

 

How is this not playing games? You are intentionally pulling back to gauge her reaction. You are even using the word conditioning. Your goal is make her do something, make her act in the way that you want her to act. Instead of appreciated the girl for who she is, you are trying to get her to behave as the girl you want her to be. Healthy relationships are not based upon this kind of manipulation.

 

Realtionships are also based on trust and honesty. In doing this you are, by your own admission, lying to her. You are saying you are busy when you are not. You are claiming to be sleepy when you are not. This isn't healthy either.

 

There is also the chance that the girl will see through the act and get tired of a guy who doesn't seem to be interested in her enough to make contact. You ask about how she shows affection, yet I think you need to ask yourself, just what kind of affection are you showing her?

[smallworld]

Hey Skippy, I'm like you and from time to time find myself in similiar situations with friends. I agree with ShySoul. Backing off might get what you want initially, but it's not healthy for a relationship in the long run. Rather than stew with your feelings, get her alone and tell her how the lopsidedness of your relationship is bothering you and see if she's willing to meet you half way.

 

I know it's hard to believe but she may have absolutely no idea how you doing the majority of the calling and initiating hurts you since it's now the set pattern of your relationship. Talk to her from the heart. What you're asking for is so little and easily accomplished. I really think you might just be happily surprised by her reaction.

 

Oh and by the way, if you feel you can't talk to her to save face etc., then maybe you should ask yourself what it is you really want: To be "safe" at all costs or to be in a loving, intimate relationship? It's the little things we do and don't do that make all the difference in determining whether or not a relationship will grow and last. Why not make sure this one is grounded in love, honesty, trust, and respect?

[ShySoul]

Talk to her from the heart.

 

It's the little things we do and don't do that make all the difference in determining whether or not a relationship will grow and last. Why not make sure this one is grounded in love, honesty, trust, and respect?

 

Smallworld nails it as usual. What else can I say?