how do i tactfully say there's nothing to leave yet?

[wee]

i consider myself still single. we're only dating.. thats it. i think he thinks we're "something more" by his choice of words.

for example, here's part of an email i got from him:

 

"And N*** thinks I should leave you if you don't get your butt in gear and

get licensed. ;P (I told her you had a good reason for delaying afterwards)"

 

leave me? i know he's kidding, but there's no relationship to leave.

i told him i just got out of a serious relationship & i'm not looking for anything serious the first time we went out (about a month or so ago, maybe more). i met him through a friend only a week after a 2yr+ relationship ended. bad timing.

since then, i have mentioned the dating around thing again, to keep things light. although i haven't dated anyone else, i do not want to be associated with one person... i'm not ready for that yet. #-o

 

am i just over analyzing these subtle comments?? i can't tell. has anyone ever had this happen to them?

[busterkeaton]

Perhaps we need a little more to go on. How long have you been dating? What kind of dates? anything physical going on? met each other's parents/friends. Got your toothbrush at his apartment. You know what I mean.

However, if you only want to date, then I think you'd better nip his thinking in the bud. It might be that he is wondering what condition things are in and he threw in that "might have to dump you" statement to be able to fish aournd as to your state of mind.

It would be kinder to set him straight earlier rather than later.

 

Here's an idea - ask him if _he_ is dating anyone else? Act as if that was a totally normal question, and a positive answer wouldn't surprise you. At the very least it would appeal to his ego while hinting that it is a real possibility (for him and you).

[wee]

It would be kinder to set him straight earlier rather than later.

 

i did set him straight when i accepted the first date.

i accepted because we have a lot in common and he's really nice/fun/etc.

we doooooo live 4 hours away. he said he didn't mind driving in because he likes driving (he's a car nut).

 

my last relationhip ended because of distance, so i also stressed that in the beginning.

 

How long have you been dating? What kind of dates? anything physical going on? met each other's parents/friends. Got your toothbrush at his apartment.

 

to answer your questions:

we have been on 3 dates since i met him, 2 months ago. all were weekend/marathon dates. 2 in my area, 1 in his....we've kissed & slept in the same bed 2 weekends (long distance, it happens).

basic date stuff-- dinner/movies/sightseeing.

i went to a dinner party with his friends. he met my dad briefly (because he was home when i got dropped off).

no toothbrush/anything at his apartment.

 

thanks in advance

[wee]

Here's an idea - ask him if _he_ is dating anyone else?

 

oh i asked! (last week- after declining to be his date to a wedding).

he isn't & doesn't want to.

[wee]

am i sending the wrong messages?

 

i like him a lot, i just don't want a relationship this soon. especially a long distance one i don't want him to vote me off without a fair chance when i have more time.

[busterkeaton]

hmmm, I'm trying to put myself in his shoes. He might believe that he is on the cusp of a relationship. I mean, things certainly seem to be heading in that direction don't you think? It's possible that the next time you see each other then it will come to a head.

 

My general rule of thumb is that I wouldn't consider myself in an actual relationship until I was sleeping with the person (ie: having sex with the person). Up to that point, it's still dating. Other people will disagree. Of course all that would depend on the person's view on sex (religious beliefs, personal values etc, etc). I have used the "but we're not sleeping together" line on one or two girls who were trying to manuver me into a relationship. Without the sex, I have felt safe to end a dating situation without any real explanation. Then again, I'm a guy.

 

I don't know how old the two of your are (I get the impression maybe mid to late 20s), or how experienced he is in relationships. The older one gets (or more mature I should say) the more likely one is wanting to know what's going on - but also be able to read what's going on. Personally I would be wary of dating someone fresh out of another relationship, or at least be wary of starting a relationship with them. A person needs time to breathe, time to "find themselves".

 

Maybe you need to ask yourself: What is a relationship? Can it not be casual and a see each other occasionally type thing? Does it have to be this heavy duty see-each-other constantly, totally melt friends and family together, talk of "together forever" business?

 

I think you may find that this will resolve itself in some way pretty rapidly - he may force the issue. For better or for worse.

 

As a far as i did set him straight when i accepted the first date. He may have forgotten, helped by wishful thinking, or he may think that at this point he was "won you over", or enough time has gone by since your previous relationship.

 

Good move on declining the wedding date invitation - unless you had other plans or whatever. Perhaps you could use the reason for declining as a kind of jumping off point for a heart to heart on this subject. He may ask you to some other "typical" g/f and b/f type thing. Meeting the parents/relatives would be a biggy, going away on vacation (nice little bed and breakfast out in the mountains) or some other "upping the ante" type move. It all may come to an unavoidable point soon anyways.

 

Good luck, it's a tough position you are in. You don't want to be in a relationship yet you don't want to close any doors either.

[BillyJean714]

I had it happen to me in a recently. Knowing that I was in a relationship at that time, the guy would consistantly try to get me to hang with him. He would ask me to go to his family's house, eat dinner with them, watch movies at his place. Talk about persistance.

 

I had a different incident from way back in which a guy and I dated, I barely knew for 1 week, he asked me if we were gf/bf, yet. We only went out on one date! God, I couldn't stand it. He fricken tried touching my leg the entire night while driving in the car. What a pervert. Then he got ALL possessive on me, when we barely met each other. It scared me, that's for sure.

 

Back, way back in high school, I dated a guy who we barely hung out too. He went around telling people that we were bf/gf, when we hadn't even held hands or kissed!

 

I think for people who do this, it's their subtle manipulation. They're manipulating you to be in a relationship that you don't want to be in, but they try to do it forcibly without your consent. People like this, I sense, are control freaks.

[wee]

that thought occurred to me (the idea of him trying to take control)...

 

this is one area where persistence does not pay off. i wish i knew how to say it nicely. i DO know he has only had two other relationships (was in highschool odd he mentioned that one since it was over 10 years ago. (but now i know why!)

 

i just need to find a way to tell him to slow the hell down. i mean, i kind of like hanging out by myself sometimes... it seems like he has good intentions, i'm just not sure he "gets it"](*,)

 

thanks for the responses

[Lion-Guy]

Let him know that you still need time for yourself, to do things on your own. i.e. we don't need to hangout every weekend.

 

Stop sleeping in the same bed as him. It gives guys the wrong idea. If you have to, rent a hotel room, or find a friend's house to sleep at.

 

The guy sounds nice, but confused. Give him a chance.

[wee]

thanks! i agreee-- he's confused, but i don't know why. i feel like he's hears what i say.. both doesn't bother to comprehend because we keep having "miscommunications"

 

can't i haven't seen him since my last post ...until today.i told him up front he couldn't stay over BEFORE making plans... assuming he would drive home that night.

 

he drove in- we spent the day in the city, saw a movie, etc. then went for dinner, got pushed out (they close @ 10) & so we brought it back to my house & watched saturday night live.

nothing NOTHING comes on after snl. he made no attempt to leave.

finally after a few obvious hints from me (fed the pets, etc), he said:

"well, i just kinda thought we would spend tomorrow together too..."

 

him: would you want to do something tomorow?

me: bu-butbut-- i told you from square one you can't stay here!

him: i'll just find a place to stay *mopey voice*

me: like what?

me: and don't try to make me feel bad about this

him: i'm not, i just thought we would spend the whole weekend together since i'm in town.

 

he knew i didn't have plans tomorrow. so, now he's at a holiday inn. i've never had someone been so aggressive. (well, i have.. but i liked it then.) geez, alone time *IS* okay.

i can't help but feel a bit bad. i didn't kiss him this time.. he should know something's not right. i mean, i could really like him. but the more he does this.. i really just want him to slow it down...

what would you have said? did i walk into some kind of trap?