When you live with your boyfriend

[Michele7]

I have noticed on this forum that alot of people are indicated problems that are identifiable as 'signs' of a break up.. But none specific to people living together... Like other ones indicate - short phone calls and minimal phone calls etc

 

I live with my ex-boyfriend (we broke up a day ago) and i have been looking for signs of a break up for a while and found heaps. But i'm not particularly sure they are actual signs or just oversensitive pickings if you know what i mean.

I would have to say one big one is lack of intimacy. Second, not wanting to do anything (special or not) together.

 

My bf goes out heaps.. to his friends place. I used to think that was innocent, but honestly it bothers me. Every friday night he would go to his friends place and would make plans on his days off with them before asking me if i wanted to do anything...Is that a sign?

I used to ask him why he goes to his friends place everynight he had off where he didnt have to get up early the next morning, and he would always get defensive. I felt soooo alone. I often thought well am i even worth spending time with? Does he really want to be with me? cause it certainly doesn't seem like it. How do you know if it's innocent or not?

 

We have been fighting over the most ridiculous things. Often it's about taking each others tones badly... like they are getting up you because of this or that.. but then they deny that there was any bad tone in their voice, then you fight about THAT. Is is just a rollercoaster ride? Has your token run out?

 

We often talked about marriage. I have planned my future around this relationship, because thats what you do, you merge two lives together. Now we've broken up I have to re-evaluate everything i thought was going to be in my future, including him. Then i wonder if i've made the right choice, and has he? (it was mutual) I live with him, so i have to figure out where i'm going to go.. I can't go to my family's house because of other problems and i'm sleeping on the spare bed. We still talk .. but it's minimal but still friendly.

 

I am so confused. I don't know where my head is. I am not crying as much as i thought i would be and not as consistently. I cried yesterday when he was at work, simply because i have no idea what i'm doing. I am so confused.. but i don't really know what about?

Is it normal to feel so unconnected with reality that you don't know what your own thoughts are? Is it a sign that you've made the wrong decision? it's not easy to throw 2 and a half years away and just step out like it never happened. We have a cat. What are we going to do with him?

 

I would appreciate anyone sheding any kind of light on anything. I don't even know what i'm meant to be thinking about.. or what i'm meant to be doing. I feel numb. But yet it was mutual. We both know we have problems we've tried constantly to fix but haven't had any success in actually fixing the problem. It's good for a few days then it's back to the same problem. Is that a sign of an irrepairable relationship?

 

Help?

 

 

[newts]

Hi Michele (a fellow Brisbane gal)

 

I am sorry things are the way they are at the moment for you. I know exactly what your going through, as I have been there before. You can't get along with your partner 100% of the time, however, you and your partner seem to be living two separate lives. In relationships you either seem to grow together or grow apart, it seems as though you have grown apart... The hardest thing about breaking up when you live together is sorting out your new future, who will make the move, who will take the cat, who will have all the things you have collected and purchased together... the way you are feeling is totally normal and I believe you are doing the right thing. It really hits you that you have broken up when all of the above decisions have been made and executed.

 

No relationship is irrepairable, it just takes two people to be 100% committed to making it workout.

 

You need to now start planning your life without him - believe me this is the hardest part. You have invested 2 & 1/2 years into this relationship and when you let go of that it's like an emotional rollercoaster, however, after you regain your own identity and life, it will start to get easier as the days go by.

 

I wish you all the best and just stay strong and keep writing your thoughts and feelings in this website as it a great way to express yourself without overloading your friends and family.

[Michele7]

Hi newts,

 

Thank you for your advice.

 

I can't help but think that i've made the wrong decision or that i'm backing out of something like a chicken. I can't fathom the idea of not being with him yet i want to live my own life. Everything i am i have given him... and have left none for myself.. thats what it feels like.

 

I have to leave my home... i haven't felt like I had a home for such a long time, it is so painful to think of leaving it all and having to live with people i don't want to. I want my own place again, but i can't afford it. I am a student with a part time job and i haven't had to live off my own income for so long, everything has been shared, even the cat. I love my cat, but every time i look at him i think of how gorgeous he is with my boyfriend.

 

My bf and I have been best friends if anything over the last 3 years... and becuase it's been more of a friendship then a relationship i feel as though i'm walking out on a best friend. How do you determine the two.

 

I feel foolish for not breaking it off when i hated him after he went to his ex-gf's house behind my back and i found out by finding a msn text file of their conversation which was very incriminating. Although he says he didn't "do" anything, i stayed with him. I now feel stupid for not doing it then, cause it would have been easier.. cause i hated him so much. But i stayed to try and make the relationship work.

 

I never thought a mutual break up would be so hard.

[Hope75]

Hi Michele,

 

First let me welcome you to enotalone. I have been where you are, I lived with my ex fiance for 5 years and I had to move out when we broke up. More recently I live with my bf, and we had a break up last year after 2 years of living together. We have gotten back together, and I moved back in with him. It's very difficult to lose your best friend, love and your home all at once.

 

It sounds as thought you two have been growing apart for awhile. You say having mixed feelings and not being totally devestated surprises you. Maybe this has been coming for awhile?

 

How do you feel about your (now) ex?

[newts]

Hi Michele,

 

Just remember, have no regrets! It just took you a little longer to realise that he wasn't the one for you. You will have another relationship where it wont feel as though you have built your whole world around that person, they say that relationships are suppose to be easy and we complicate them ourselves.

 

You seem like a really nice person and you know what you want. You don't need to be with someone who on their days off spends them with their friends, you don't mind if there is a little compromise - but all the time!

 

It is so natural to feel as though you have made a mistake, I can tell you you haven't - you are being very brave and I commend you for that. You are going to move on to bigger and better things. Who knows, maybe one day you may become best friends again.

[Michele7]

Hi Hope75,

Thank you for the welcome

I dont know how i feel about anything.. i feel numb..thats about all i can say I think it has been coming for a while.. which makes me feel like i've done the right thing... at the same time i feel wrong in walking away after we've been through so much together. It's like saying goodbye to your best friend.

 

Hi newts,

Thank you for the compliment.

It's difficult to admit to yourself he wasn't the one for you because in the beginning i couldn't believe he was so right... Having said that, he was a totally different person then, and so am I. I honestly believe we have totally changed.. and to some extent pulled each other down. he was in a bad place then, and (he admitted) he thought i was his escape, that i had this power to make everything better.. I see there that that was the problem in the beginning.. he thought i'd fix everything wrong in his life. Yet what really happened was he brought me down to his level.. well thats what we think now anyway.

 

You know it's really odd.. I'm ok.. like not crying... but when i read peoples replies to me, i just blubber like an idiot.

[Hope75]

Maybe what you two need is some space to re evaluate what you have/had with one another and to decide if the best thing for both of you is to walk away for good, or if the time apart gives you both renewed vigor to try and work things out.

 

What did your ex tell you was the reason for ending the relationship? Do you think you might want to walk away for good, or do you think you might like a chance to work it out if he were willing?

[Michele7]

Well we mutually ended it because we're not in love with each other anymore. There are things about each other that we don't like and aren't willing to negotiate or compromise on. We have tried SO many times through the 2 & 1/2 years we've been together to fix the things that have made us fight.. and we haven't gotten anywhere... It would be good for a few days but then it would go bad again back to where we were before.

 

I honestly don't feel like i have any faith that we can fix it.. and i don't really know if i want to... I have such mixed feelings about what I want. I have thought about being apart from him so much that i felt unfaithful to him so often. I think i have trouble letting go of my comfort zone, but i still want my own life.

There are some things that we just can't work out, but they create such a big problem that it is crucial to fix to have some sort of happy relationship. He isn't happy he's told me.. and i'm not either.

[Hope75]

It sounds like you hit the nail on the head when you said you didn't want to leave your comfort zone, but I think you are doing the right thing if you aren't in love with each other any more. It will be hard at first, but at least now you have given yourselves the chance to each find someone you are head over heels for and who will love you back and you will both find happiness.

 

Be brave. This is a step into your future and I think you will not regret it.

[Michele7]

For the first time ... i had to sleep alone in an empty house and I didn't have the right to be annoyed that he wasn't home - he went to a party with friends.

It gave me a glimpse into my immediate future.. spending nights alone, and it made me realise i think i need to move in with my mum simply because i didn't like the feeling of being all alone in an empty house.

 

Then this morning, his brother and his wife came around, unannouncing as usual, to pick up the petrol can we borrowed. My stomach got all tied up in knots. i don't know what came over me. When i answered the door, i felt i had to explain why my pillow etc was on the spare bed, i just said i fell asleep on there. I didn't feel like i could tell them. I feel it's Dean's job to tell them. .. but i still couldn't get rid of the horrible pain in my stomach.

 

Once they left, i was relieved. I cried immediately after walking back in the house after seeing them off, and felt like i couldn't breathe. Finally it subsided, but not after scaring me..

 

What does this mean? Is that going to be the hardest thing? Telling the family that you thought you'd be a part of that your leaving and will barely ever see them again.

[ocrob]

You can't worry about what others think. I am guessing that your man will come back to you after some time. It seems men get fed up during a relationship and just need a little time. If he really loves you, then he will come back. I don't know him or anything about him, but all of us guys always come back to the women we love. Sometimes it is pressure from outside or pressure from inside that drves us away. If he loves you, he will come back. Maybe if that happens, you can talk about things and you could have a great relationship. I don't know him and he could be a dog. But, if not, then just let time work things out.

[Hope75]

Yes,

 

That is a very hard thing to do, especially if you love them and have become very attached. Is there a reason that Dean hasn't shared with his family that you split up?

 

It is going to be an adujstment to live on your own after having had your bf there with you for the last few years. That doesn't mean that you can't do it, just that it takes some getting used to. If your mom is OK with you living with her for awhile that might be a good thing for you, a step in between being single and living on your own when you are ready.

 

Even if the romantic feelings between your ex and you are gone, that does not mean that you won't grieve the relationship and miss it and him. It's OK to feel sad and cry. That also doesn't mean that you aren't making the right choice.

 

You are going to bo OK. Hang in there and post here when you need to.

[Hawk]

I finally had my best nights sleep 2 months after my ex decided to relocate for a couple of weeks to a friends unit - to be honest it was driving us both insane. I was scared of the prospect of living alone and to be honest I know I am going to have times where I won't enjoy it, but the burden that was lifted from my shoulders was massive. Let's just hope we can sell the damn house quickly and put as much space between us as we can.