pushed too hard

[justme123]

I was spending time with this girl I met for a few weeks. She said she liked me as more than a friend but didn't want a relationship that was more than friendship. We kissed, but nothing further than that, I had told her I wouldn't push her to have sex or anything.

 

I kept thinking if I was persistent that she would get over whatever was stopping her from wanting to be my girlfriend and be that. It didn't exactly work out as I planned. She said I pushed her too hard and that I gave her too much sh!t so she doesnt care anymore. I know I pushed her too hard but I thought that I had to push for what I wanted or I wouldn't get it. I can see it better now but its too late.

 

All I want is to get back to where we were when she still liked me and just wanted to hold my hand. I talk to her online almost everyday but I havent seen her in person in more than a week. She said it will never be like it was.

 

Is this a hopeless situation for me? What can I do? I have strong feelings for her and it hurts.

[heloladies21]

Don't second guess yourself. When you see something that you want, you should go out and get it. Situation with her seems to be dead. Talk to some other girls. You can find some who are interested for sure.

[justme123]

Hey, thanks for the response.

 

I guess there's nothing I can do. I never understand how girls can control their feelings so well, I wish I could turn off the way I feel about this girl but I don't know how to do that or if I'm even capable of it.

 

I have a hard time finding girls that I am attracted to. I've never had strong feelings for more than one girl at once, and I still have feelings for this girl, so it makes it hard to go out and meet new ones.

[teacup]

yo. i think girls feel just like you do. im not attracted to many ppl. i met this guy that i like...but i dunno he's making me balk and hesitate. i was hoping it would work out but i dunno......i may need something more.

 

some ppl can switch off their feelings....i dont know how they do it. but as a girl, i would say what you wrote....a lot of us feel. or at least i've felt like that before.

[stratguy620]

I don't think she can turn her feelings off because she is a girl, they turned themselves off because you pushed too hard. People hate being forced into a situation, even if it will have some kind of positive benefit for them. You said yourself that you pushed too hard; a relationship should start out slowly, and with both parties moving at a comfortable rate. I'd say give her lots of space, and hope it works.

[PocoDiablo]

I sometimes think that if you push too hard, it makes you seem desperate. You know, like a dog humping your leg. It's just such a big turn off for women.

 

I never understood this until I got my dogs - two Great Danes. It used to be I could walk down the street (alone obviously) and no one would pay any attention to me. Now I am lucky if I can get one block in ten minutes. And I started to understand how women feel. Every other person would stop and talk to me. And they would say the EXACT SAME THING as everyone else. They would make jokes about horses and ask how much they ate and what kind of dog they were. Just the stupid questions all day long. Granted a lot of folks have never seen a Dane and I understand that, after hearing the same thing 22,000 times it's old.

 

Now imagine if you're some cute chick and every other guy comes up and hits on you. Walking down the street and some guy hits on you. Thriiiilllllls. Do you think she's heard that line before? Sure! She's probably heard it 22,000 times. How many guys do you think she's met who pushed her harder so he could get what he wanted? Almost all of them, of course, and you were no different. You told her you just wanted sex just like any other guy. Did you bring anything else to the table besides being horny and talking to her on IM?

 

The women who caught my eye were the ones who talked different, who said different things, who enaged me and did not talk about my dogs. So maybe instead of pushing her to have sex, why not do something different? Pull back a little. Still flirt, but don't be pushy about it.

 

As far as this girl? Personally, I'd find someone who liked me more. Seems like you are chasing after her like a love-sick puppy, and that's just not attractive - to me at least.

[Belle]

Poco,

 

Finally, a man that gets it!

 

Justme, I second that motion. I think you were being selfish to be so pushy. Things should happen naturally. You can't hurry or control love. It happens or it doesn't. If you really cared about her you'd back off and leave her alone. That's the only chance of her ever coming around. Although honestly, at this point I think she's closed off to it.

[justme123]

Thanks for all the advice, it's very helpful to me.

 

Poco - I'd just like to be clear about one thing. I definetely was pushing her too hard, but I was not pushing her to have sex. I was pushing her to be in a relationship with me.

 

Yes I wanted to have sex with her of course and she knew that because I am upfront and straightforward, but what I was pushing for was some sort of commitment. It didn't even have to have a title "girlfriend".

 

She wanted me to be around to tell her things were gonna be ok and hold her hand and kiss her on the forehead. She said she liked me more than a friend but didn't want a boyfriend. I needed something from her to tell me that if I stuck around and was that person for her that later on down the line when she is does become ready for a boyfriend she's not gonna get with someone else because I'm just her friend.

 

I didn't want to fall into the "just friends" situation. It would hurt me to see her with some other boy. I felt like I had to be persistent in my pursuit of her.

 

My problem, and I don't think this is an isolated incident, is that I very rarely find someone that I decide is worth pursuing, but when I do I try my best to get them to trust me and like me. The problem is that makes me push for what I want and I push too hard, I don't realize I've pushed too hard until I've pushed too hard that it's too late. I know I screwed up and if I had another chance maybe I'd be able to see the situation more clearly but I don't know how to see it before that and my experience with relationships is that you don't get a second chance to do it right, you gotta do it right the first time.

[Dating Coach]

Honestly, I don't think she was ever really that interested to begin with. She was "iffy" on you and then you did something she didn't like which was enough for her.

 

I don't think you have a chance at all with this one, and neither should you keep persuing a dead end. Accept the rejection, she said it was over, and move on.

[justme123]

teacup - I just don't understand the concept of feeling something for someone but suppressing it. With me, and I think this goes for everything in my life, it's either all the way or nothing at all.

 

stratguy - I think you're right. I've just felt like girls don't give me a chance when I do things like this and screw up, even though I'm genuine and my intentions were right. I always feel like if I care about someone and want to show them that that it will show through in what I do somehow. But I think I need to be more tactful.

 

Because of how I am and the fact that I don't become interested in many girls (it was about 11 months between this girl and the last one) I always make relationships the most important thing in my life and they feel like life or death situations for me. I push girls away and then they reject me, and so I assume every girl will reject me and it makes me seek some sort of confirmation from them that they aren't going to break my heart. When I do find a girl I am attracted to I am extremely stubborn. When I decide how I feel about them I refuse to ever doubt it. The problem is I would pretty much do anything for them and I am afraid of being taken advantage of, so I try to put on this fake personae and be a little bit of a jerk so that they won't know how easily they could control me. I've never dumped a girl, I am always the dumpee. I become attached easily. I don't do casual sex or random sex because for me it means a whole lot more than just sex. I need some sort of commitment because I know that I WILL fall in love because relationships mean so much to me. I've only been in love one time and she broke my heart and basically destroyed me. I think being crushed and lied to by the person I trusted most screwed me up and might be why I always assume girls will reject me.

 

I know I must push girls away because when I become involved with them I probably come off as somewhat clingy, but I don't know how to not be like that and still be me.

[justme123]

DiggityDogg - Yeah, that's pretty much what I'm doing now. At this point, I just want to figure out why this always happens to me and how I can do things differently in the future.