Paralyzed by hurt and fear

[Gracelove]

I was in an abusive relationship, a little over a year ago.

My life has drastically changed since then. I had to take a semester off from college because I couldn't function. Now I'm behind in school, I feel so discouraged.

The only reason I left the relationship was because I knew that if I didn't my significant other would murder me.

It's really hard, because the relationship wasn't physically abusive, and thereforeeee many people seem to dismiss my feelings regarding the relationship.

I've seen him in a rage, and then I've seen him snap. In those moments I remained motionless and gave him my undivided attention, I gave him no reason to hit me. In those moments I knew he wouldn't just stop at hitting me.

He stalked, and harassed me on several occasions.

During, and shortly after the end of the relationship were the lowest points in my life, and believe me, I've had some really low points.

I don't know what to do. I feel that no matter what he can do whatever he feels like when he pleases.

 

He was suppose to stop contacting me, after we broke up, but he didn't.

 

I'm seeking a restraining order against him, however I didn't realize I would have to see him in court. I'm not looking forward to seeing him at all. It's like my worst nightmare come true.

I've grown in so many ways since the relationship, but whenever I think I've overcome the effects of the abuse, something happens to make me realize that I haven't.

 

This person really terrified me. He did so many horrible things during the course of our relationship. He is a monster to me. I am 22yrs. old, and I'll be afraid to go certain places within my own home, because I'm afraid he'll be there. I feel like a child who has just seen a horror movie and is afraid to even go to the restroom alone because they feel the monster is there.

 

I was completely drained when the relationship ended. I'm afraid to invest in anything else, including school, because I don't want to ever feel that empty again.

 

I feel like one bad decision (staying in an abusive relationship) is ruining my life.

I gave him my power, and I want it back.

 

 

Please help.

[lost_status]

Im sorry you went throgh this, I myself was in a simialr situation. I was in an abusive relationship for neraly 7months and ended up breaking up a few weeks ago beacuse he raped me.

 

The most important thing right now is for you to seek saftey, call the police, get a restraining order against him, dont go out alone, do what ever you can to remain safe.

 

Next you need to work on yourself, talk to professionals (if you need to) get your confidence back, be stronger, this will help you get the power back.

 

I feel like one bad decision (staying in an abusive relationship) is ruining my life.

Dont feel this way, you made a mistake, we learn from mistakes, It was the same with me, I stayed in the abusive relationship, now I know the signs of an abuser, when I do see them, I RUN!

 

I know you can get through this, Im on my way to recovery and Im sure you can too.

 

Stay strong!

[Gracelove]

Thank you Lost_status. I truly appreciate the encouragement.

[OceanEyes]

Hi Grace, and welcome.

 

You've obviously been through HELL and back. I can't relate to your situation, because I've never been there myself. I commend you for having the courage to leave that relationship, and are now taking necessary steps towards getting your LIFE back on track. Good for you.

 

This seems like it's going to be a long road ahead for you hun. I understand what you mean about the abuse not being physical, but mental/ emotional. I've experienced that to some degree, and I can say with full confidence that it hurts just as much. It inspires fear and shame the same way that physical abuse does.

 

Right now, I think that you should be leaning on friends and family, and perhaps speaking to a professional. You've been through one seriously horrifying ordeal, and it's going to take time, and a lot of support, to get through it. Don't be afraid to ask for that support either -- sometimes people really don't know how to approach you with topics of this magnitude.

 

This may be a crazy idea, but have you considered moving? I'm definitely not suggesting that you "run away", but if you had an opportunity to remove yourself from the situation you're in now, I think it would help you to heal (and you would feel a heck of a lot safer). I know from experience, that sometimes a drastic change of scenery can help you to put things into perspective, and can give you a whole new sense of purpose and outlook on life.

 

Take care of yourself.

[lost_status]

Your welcome Gracelove, If you need to talk PM me =)

Stay strong!

[Gracelove]

Thank you Oceaneyes. You're right. I have been wanting to move lately. I just want to get out of where I am because I feel stuck. I don't want to waste anymore time. I've moved twice, within the town where I attend school. Both times my ex showed up extremely close to my new residence. In one of those instances he was definitely stalking me.

I feel like I really do need the support of my parents. It's really hard to get that support when you're over 2000 miles away. I'm so close to finishing school, but I'm not feeling confident about making it. I don't want to disappoint my parents by coming home. I feel so weak by not being able to pull myself together. I feel like a failure. I don't want to blame my problems on a relationship with an abusive person, however things just really came to a head in the relationship. It was just so tramatic for me.

People keep telling me to forget the past. It sounds so easy. I try not to dwell on it. I like to think that most of the time I don't. It's just that seeing him this last time, so close to my home, bothered me a bit.

Most people tell me that I'm always happy. I'm glad to be considered that way, but I don't always feel that way.

I promised myself that I would never have to see my ex again. But I couldn't keep that promise. I can't keep him from walking back into my life whenever he feels like it.

This is a college town, there are really no job opportunities here. My ex graduated over a year ago, he had no friends here really, no family. So why am I seeing him around ?

Things have severly gone down hill since my involvement with him, espicially school, I don't want to be viewed as a loser. I want to be successful. I want to have a decent life. School work has never really been a challenge to me, but I'm so unfocused.

I was seeing a really good counselor last year. She has another job now. I call her from time to time to check in, she's really sweet. I don't say that I'm not feeling good, because that's not her job anymore.

Sometimes I just have these down moments. They usually don't last long. But I feel that maybe they are a symptom of my true feelings. I'm just wondering when I'll be able to put this behind me for good.

Thanks again for the encouragement. It really means a lot.

[teacup]

did you read my story?.......i know too well how much abuse can completely devastate and rob you of your life........it hurts so much......sometimes i wonder if i will ever be normal, healthy or well ever again......

[Gracelove]

Hey There Teacup! Thanks for the reply. You know what? I actually did read one of your stories. A lot of the same things happened in my relationship.

 

I almost laughed when you mentioned that your ex used to pinch you, because my ex used to do the same thing to me. It was his way of determining "how fat I was". It's so odd, you would think that I was a turkey and he was interested in eating me. It's such an odd behavior and one that really sticks out, that similarity really caught my eye.

I'm so glad that things are better for you. And that you are feeling much more confident. I've been thinking lately that maybe I should do things to help me feel better, like frequently get my hair done, and attempt to lose some weight.

Thanks again for your support.

[teacup]

yeah, i think you have to do something nice for youself.

 

i saw some parallels in your story with mine. how you think ur ex is a "monster"......hey, i think the same about the abuser

 

i had to drop out of college and now im so behind and really worried about catching up. he too "stalked" me. well, it wasnt outright stalking but he would play stalking games.....

 

like i would decide to go somewhere and ask him if he wanted to come. and he would say no. and then i would leave and walk down the street. and i knew that he would follow me. but he would keep out of sight as he did it....so i would walk and turn my head trying to see him, trying to see if i could find out how he was following me. but i never saw him. i just knew he was there. so i was always looking behind me, a little jumpy and nervous and then when i got to where i was going...."surprise", he would show up and appear out of nowhere.

 

it made me a little anxious and nervous that he was playing "stalking games" but...i never realized how unnormal and insane it is until i got out of the abuse.

 

it just shows he has some of the stalking/stalker mentality in him. freaks me out.

 

he kept calling me and emailing and trying to get me back about a year later and i told him i would call the police if he tried to contact me again. *shiver*

 

these abusers are so crazy, they appear normal but their psyche is completely screwed up.....it is so scary.

[Gracelove]

To: Teacup

He was definitely stalking you. Those "games" would scare anyone. Knowing that the person is there but not being able to see them. It's like an omnipresense.

I've been a little worried about catching up in school as well. Life is so hard at times. But all we can do it try.

I'm not surprised he wanted you back. My ex was the same way. They feel guilty about what they've done and want you to assure them that they are good people. It's a waste of energy on their part. Abusers are extremely self-centered. Your an inconvience to them, yet they want you around. Craziness.

I love your quote by the way.

[teacup]

thanks. i like a lot too. it seems to fit the situation. did your ex also isolate you from friends and family?

 

i didnt make friends for the 6 years i knew him. he was trying to kick everyone out of my life and he did it too! hurts like hell........im starting all over again.

 

abuse is vicious. i dont think anyone would understand unless they've gone through it.

[Gracelove]

Hey There Teacup!!!

 

Ya, my ex didn't want me talking to any of my friends. He was very selfish.

 

I totally understand what you mean by people not being able to understand unless they've experienced abuse. I didn't understand the severity of abuse prior to my past relationship.

 

It is difficult starting over. I'm not nearly as outgoing as I used to be, however I understand that getting back to the state you were at before the abuse is a gradual process.

 

Do you still know how to contact any of the friends you had previously to the relationship with your abuser? I understand that 6yrs. is a long time to be away from friends.

 

If you have a way to contact any of them, maybe you could call and just say hello. I'm sure they'd be glad to hear from you. Espicially since you're doing much better now.

 

I'm taking my ex to court in a couple of days. I'm getting a restraining order. At first I was really, really nervous because I don't want to see him again. However now I'm feeling a little more comfortable with the idea. It will be a big step, and whether the restraining order is issued or not, it'll be another step towards closure.

 

It's been a couple of days since I've been on the site, but let me know how things are going with you when you get the opportunity.

 

[teacup]

the thing is..after the abuser i noticed that he didnt respect me, had never respected me and that really hurt. i realized that respect is one of the most important things to me. if there is no respect, there is no foundation for a relationship of any sort, not even friendship.

 

i have had some old friends contact me, and some other ppl contact me, but im not interested any more. i am a different person from who i was then, a better, wiser person. a more deeply hurt and sensitive and afraid person as well, but overall, better. i realized that quite of a lot of the ppl i know dont even respect me. they say things to me that indicate they don't and i am not okay with that. i dont want to reconnect with them.

 

i just want to leave the past, all of it behind. i want to make new friends but it is hard to trust people. i keep thinking i will get abused or jerked around or disrespected soon. i feel anxious and scared because i want to trust good ppl. but there are times when i dont even trust my own perceptions.

 

i mean, i was stupid enough to pick an abuser and to stay with him for 6 years!!! i've had really bad "friends." how can i even trust myself and my perceptions? you know what i mean? have you felt this way before?

[Gracelove]

Girl, yes! LOL! I have so felt that way. I don't remember how I got out of feeling that way. Actually, I think I stopped feeling that way when I was able to identify to true reason I ended up in that relationship and why I stayed.

 

I ended up in the relationship pursuing a dream I've always had. Once I got in it I begin rationalizing his behavior. I became emotionally attached which is why I stayed longer than I should have. After that the abuse/ attacks started, and before I knew it I was in too deep.

 

But I definitely started feeling better about my judgement when I realized how I ended up where I did.

I realized that my initial judgement wasn't bad at all. I just comprimised and settled instead of holding out for what I truly wanted and deserved, someone who would treat me with the same love and kindness I was giving them.

 

But believe-you-me, I struggled with it for a while. You'll discover how you ended up where you did, and after that you'll feel better because "it" won't be unknown any longer. "It" being why you ended up / stayed in the relationship.

 

Actually I don't really think it's about starting a relationship with that person, as it is staying with them. We may not always know that a person is unkind, but once we discover it, it is our responsibilty to protect ourselves by getting away from that person A.S.A.P.

 

And you may find that it wasn't necessarily a negative things that brought you to that relationship. Maybe you have a dream, and you were so anxious for it to come true, that you were willing to settle in order to have just a taste of it (if that makes sense).

 

[OceanEyes]

It's made me really happy to see that you two have connected and can share experiences, despite the circumstances. It's actually inspiring to see two such strong women come out of experiences so horrible and still be able to share a laugh and try to be positive.

 

All I can say here is good for both of you. You both deserve to be proud of getting rid of those lowlives and taking back control of your lives. Right on.

[Gracelove]

Thanks Oceaneyes! That's such a sweet thing of you to say.

[TAFFY]

Gracelove and Teacup, I can identify with both of you. My ex wanted to know where I was 24/7, I couldn't go to my mother's house without him, I couldn't go to the fire station without him (I am a former firefighter/paramedic. He would check the gas in my car, and check the odometer. He would have his mother call me at work and tell me that he wanted me to call him. When we were at my mom's house, if I was talking on the phone he wanted to know who I was talking to and why, and at home, I couldn't have a phone conversation with anyone without him listening on the extension. This nutjob even had a hammer under the bed, and a piece of lead pipe under his chair. He in a sense isolated me from my friends, too, because he told me that if they ever stepped foot on our porch he would kill them. He threatened to throw my possessions out the window, and I think that I just had an ephiphany here, because as I'm sitting here typing this, I think he degraded me sexually, as well. He was my first, and he wouldn't have sex unless my legs were over his shoulders, and if I made any movement, he yelled at me and told me I was moving too much. I appreciate you 2 letting me vent, because I can certainly sympathize with each of you.

[teacup]

that just freaked me out because the guy im kind of with right now.....he seems to like to mess around with my legs over his shoulders. is that a sign of an abusive or controlling man? i asked him why he likes that........that was so freaky to read.

[TAFFY]

Teacup, I didn't mean to "freak you out". To this day, I still don't know why I had to have my legs over his shoulders. It was very uncomfortable for me, and the sex was very painful. I'm sorry you got upset.

[Neglected, Verbally Emot]

Well by now you should be getting to finals! If you need time off I would take it! If you wait until after graduation then you will feel pressure to get a job and your snowball life is off and rolling.

 

For me, it was important to understand the types of abuse that can be used by the abuser and to recognize the feelings inside that are a red flag that something is wrong.

 

If you don't get this knowledge you run a great risk of another psycho entering your life. Pay extra attention to verbal and emotional abuse as you can have a complete loss of self and not even recognize why.

[Gracelove]

I do want to take time off so badly. Now that finals are here, I've seen my ex again. And I've found out that he has re-enrolled in the school I now attend. He also works in the building that houses the gym I like to work out in.

Crazy, huh? It's always something. Now I'm expected to focus on finals. I really just want to go home. I feel safe there. I don't know what to do.

[TAFFY]

Just follow through with the instructions in your other post. DO NOT LET HIM INTIMIDATE YOU, because he is winning!! As long as you stay scared and don't go to your gymn, you are letting him get to you. You sound like a strong woman; now's the time to stand up and say I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!! I know that you can do this.

[Gracelove]

You're right.