How would this make you feel?

[WyseOne]

We were together for over 20 months. Her 4 girlfriends invited her out for her birthday. Her birthday was on a Sunday however they invited her out on Saturday night, obviously who would do it on a Sunday night with work the following day. She told me their boyfriends were invited however she got upset at me for wanting to attend, she did not want me there. I know that she felt uncomfortable with me and her friends because one of them did not like me. She told me her birthday was on Sunday and that I was invited to the family birthday dinner.

 

How would this have made you feel?

[Jut]

Ill mark this as a RED RED signal. If she tells me that she DOES NOT want to go out with me on her birthday coz some guys are coming, this will coz me to rethink a lot of things. People who love each other dont keep things hidden and i dont see a reason how your presense can hamper her enjoyment.

In fact this happened to me, but unlike here she invited me to the club (not on her birthday though) with some guys and i didnt go coz i already had plans. Next day i got to know she got a guy she was playing along with me.

[WyseOne]

I know for a fact that it was not because of any other guys. It was strictly because she did not feel comfortable around her 4 girlfriends with me around due to the one friend not liking me. She did not hide anything from me however I have been told several times by my psychiatrist that if she cared about my feelings at all that would not have stopped her, she would have wanted me with her.

[Hope75]

It would make me feel really lousy. Why doesn't her friend like you? Why can't the friend swallow it and deal for this one night because it's your girlfriend's birthday and she wants to be with ALL the people she loves?

 

And WHY would your girlfriend agree to leave you home when all the other boyfriends are going to be there? Why pick her friend over you? It's her birthday; she should be able to say, "hey girl, I want my bf here too! Deal with it!"

[WyseOne]

Her friend did not like me because I was shy when I first met her. I also did not like her because of this, she did not know me. I told my girlfriend (at the time) that I would be fine around her friends, afterall it was her birthday and I wanted it to be a special day, I really did. She made me feel like it was more special if I wasn't there.

 

Please keep in mind her self-esteem was very low, I know she had difficulty talking to her friends about us and it was her that could not swallow it not her friend, I am sure her friend would not have done anything just like myself to spoil the evening. I know she felt really bad about the entire situation and didn't even want to go herself but is that really any reason to leave me out or get upset because I wanted to be with her that night more than anything. They were invited but she didn't know if they were actually coming.

 

She said it was up to me if I wanted to come, I said no it was up to her. When I finally said yes I did want to come she got mad and picked something up from the floor and threw it accross the room so what was I suppose to do? I got really upset I was very hurt, was that wrong of me?

[Jut]

Wyseone

You are suffering from what i call in my lingo blind syndrome. You are getting all inputs pointing to the wrong conclusion but you are programming your brain to find every possible excuse to show that she is innocent and you are guilty. So what is you are shy, her friends will like her if she tells them you are important to her. We teach people how to treat us and right now you are telling her and her friends that you dont consider this a problem at all if she walks all over you. Relationhips are based on mutual respect, friendship and passion and you are missing the first thing here big time. My guess is , you have taught her to treat you this way. Be strong and tell her politely but firmly that this is not a good thing she does.

 

Inviting you to family dinner!!!! Are you going there to listen to how well her mom cooks or how great a quarterback her dad was, i mean nothing wrong with that but why does she have a problem with sharing the fun in her life. You dont need to go to her level of self esteem to make her feel confortable. You can be a great bf by being yourself too, by respecting yourself.

 

My advice to you: Stand up for yourself now. You might be shy but an honest person who is giving what is worth the relatinship.

[WyseOne]

We are no longer together, she left me over a month ago. I am only shy when getting to know people, I open up very quickly and the shyness goes away. There were so many things that happened that caused me to lose my cool and it made her unhappy, something I have never done in previous relationships. I just know she is such a great person, she was a sweetheart but feared any kind of arguing in a relationship, she was very scared when voices got raised or when I got frustrated and lost my temper. I would never hurt her, I would leave the room and take it out on myself and come back however I would not say anything, I just wanted to keep to myself until things have cooled down to avoid any other confrontations. She just couldn't seem to let anything go, she held everything in and didn't know how to forget about things and move on, she couldn't let the past be the past and just work on the future. I am not saying it was her fault.

[Hope75]

Oh, wait a second. You guys are broken up? Did I miss that in your first post?

 

That does make a difference. If you are broken up, maybe it's just too awkward for her to have you along...esp given the differences between you and her friends.

 

It stinks but, when you are over, you no longer take precidence in what she does.

 

Are you two trying to work it out?

[WyseOne]

Sorry, at the time we were together.

I would have done anything to make the relationship work unfortunately she wouldn't or for some reason she couldn't and I know why now however for her it is too late.

[Hope75]

Were you guys starting to go downhill at that point?

 

(not that it makes it justified)

[WyseOne]

Oh god there is too much to say. She never came to me for anything, she would get frustrated over everything she tried to do almost like she thought she would fail before she even tried, she couldn't ask for help, she always thought I was judging her even though wasn't. It was all due to her childhood, I guess I just needed some affection from her, anything that made me feel needed or wanted but she didn't know how to show affection and held in ALL her feelings in turn I would get upset very easily, I felt unimportant to her however I loved her more than anything in this world, I guess you can say it was an ongoing battle that didn't have to be and it could have been turned around at any point. It was very early on that the friend did not like me and I knew something was up because I was never wanted around them however it was about 4 months later when she actually told me, then she said she didn't need them and that they are treating her differently then about a month later she was getting upset that they don't care about her, they don't call her. When I asked her to call them she said she felt stupid. For some reason she always felt stupid reaching out to people. Anyways I know she blames me for her friends treating her differently. She found it difficult to even talk to her friends on the phone with me present.

[WyseOne]

Were you guys starting to go downhill at that point?

 

(not that it makes it justified)

 

Thank you, I didn't think anything should make what she did justified. I did end up forgiving her for it, sure I thought about it but I am not type of person that would resent anyone for things that happened or let it interfere with the future of the relationship.

[babycristy456]

This girl sounds like she has more things hidden that it seems. Move on from her and meet new girls. As for your question, If my boyfriend would tell me that he does not want me to be with him on his own birthday despite any conflicts between friends, I would feel very very upset. How rude is that?!

[WyseOne]

Ok, now that night I called her, I was drunk and very upset about what happed. When she answered I asked if she had fun and she said YES, I was hurt so I said I have to go now. She lashed out and said "^$#% you" because I didn't say Happy Birthday which I was going to do the next day considering I was not invited that night. Was I wrong?

[WyseOne]

This girl sounds like she has more things hidden that it seems. Move on from her and meet new girls. As for your question, If my boyfriend would tell me that he does not want me to be with him on his own birthday despite any conflicts between friends, I would feel very very upset. How rude is that?!

 

Yes she did but I was not going to move on over them, I knew why she was like that I just didn't know how to handle it at the time. At the time I didn't realize what affects her childhood had on her, knowing what I know now from the research I have done I would have not let it affect me the way it did however my psychiatrist told me it was very normal to feel the way I did at the time and anyone would have been extremelly upset about it. It was very rejecting and considered emotional abuse however i know she didn't mean it, she was VERY caring and never wanted to upset anyone.

 

Why do I keep defending her actions?

[Hope75]

My question to you is: Is it healthy to keep dwelling on her actions? The relationship is over.... is this helping you heal and move forward?

 

I think typically it works against you if you keep reliving painful memories.

[WyseOne]

I guess I feel really bad for what happened that day and needed to confirm if my reactions were innapropriate or not, if it was normal for me to feel the way I did.

 

Yes, your response has helped greatly. I know if someone really loved and cared for someone that they should not have been excluded from certain events in their partners life regardless of what their friends thought or what they assumed their friends thought.

 

The thing that really bothers me is this friends situation happened very early on in the relationship so I guess our relationship was not very important to her and I was just blinded with my extreme love for her. Just seems like it was doomed from the start and I kept fighting and hoping the friends thing would change in time, that she would somehow snap out of it and realize what affect it was having on us.

 

The other thing is she wants to remain friends when she is ready, atleast that's what she says. I don't feel this is someone I can be friends with, as far as I am concerned I wasn't treated as a friend while we were together or else she wouldn't have allowed her other friend(s) come between us and when he had an argument she shouldn't have ran to her family and involve them which in turn made me look like a bad person, they don't know the true relationship, they just know what she told them when she was upset because of the argument and I am certain the comments they made had a huge influence on her deciding to leave the relationship. Sure at the time we were both upset and said things we didn't mean, who doesn't but I would never tell anyone especially family anything to make her look bad.

 

I would like to take the thoughts of others and go with that.

[amanda004]

That would make me feel pretty bad. Her friends boyfriend's could go but you couldn't? I think her not including you because one of her friends doesn't like you is pretty unfair and immature. So what if one of her friends doesnt like you, she should of brought you anyways and told her friend to deal with it. After all it's her birthday, and you're her boyfriend! She shouldn't have got upset when you told her you wanted to come, how can she blame you?

Tell your girl how this made you feel. If she gets angry then she's being selfish.