how long does it take?

[cinderella jones]

I had dinner last night with this man that I am seeing. We have been seeing one another for 5 months now. He's great, handsome, and intelligent. The thing is we had that typical conversation about the fiuture and what our goals are. during the conversation he said some interesting things, but he basically said that marriage probably won't be in the picture for him for another couple of years. I was a bit taken back by this comment only because he has discussed the idea of living with me, and seemed so excited when talking about it. From the beginning of our relationship I mentioned to him how the decision to live with someone for me means that marriage is soon to come thereafter just because that is the point in my life where I am at. Knowing this he still discussed living with me. But after last night when he said that marriage won't happen for him for quite some time I began to think ..."how long does it take for a man to realize when the woman he is with is the one"? Does his comment to me about marriage mean ultimately that I am not the one?...Doesn't a man usually know who the one is instantly?...I am a bit upset today because for the first time after last nights conversation he made me question his intentions with me. I am not sure how to feel about this...I don't want to over react, but as a 32 year old woman time is of an essense for me when making such serious decisions about life. It's not that I am desperate or anything, but how much time can I give this person to realize that what he has is golden? I know it has only been 5 months...but waiting around for a couple of years to pass just seems a bit to scary and makes me feel as if he is not crazy about me...I don't want to go down another wrong road in my life....

[RayKay]

Realizing that you may feel things need to "speed up" due to your age, you also need to consider that relationships develop at their own course. If you think about it, 2 years is NOT very far away, considering you have only been dating 5 months.

 

It's more then knowing the person is the one, it is allowing the relationship to develop naturally, to progress naturally. To not only feel the person is the one for them, but to also ensure you are compatible, and share the same values and beliefs and can get along. At 5 months, he likely does not know these latter things yet!

 

Knowing someone is the one is not instantanous - you may have hopes the are, but it's time together, and as things develop that clarify it, or change that for you as you get to know the person. Would you not want to be loved for whom you are, rather then the idea of what you are?

 

I don't know about your beliefs, but for me taking a couple years before getting married is perfectly acceptable to me, when you are talking about a commitment that is for the rest of your life. I feel rushing things when someone is not sure, or to speed things up unaturally will do far more harm then good.

 

I would be careful about making this guy feel like you are only in this for an instant husband and family, and not in it for whom he is - that can make a guy even LESS willing to marry you or take it further if he feels like he is just a stand in for whomever can fit into the tux.

 

It's only FIVE months in! You are still in the honeymoon stage and learning about one another! You are learning about each others quirks, compatibilities, interests, "ways". He talks about living together because that is what people in this stage sometimes do, they are excited to be around one another and spend time together!

 

If it is important to you that marriage follow moving in soon after, then I advise you do not move in with him unless there is that agreement and plan in place, but other then that, breathe easy for now...anything could happen in the next while, enjoy the relationship as it happens, not worrying about having to wait a couple years. I know you may want it to have kids and such, but what kind of guy wants to feel like a handy sperm donor and not wanted for him, or feel like you are not enjoying things naturally as they progress?

[ONE SXXY LADY]

Men are supposed to KNOW when someone is "the one" instantaneously?? Yeah I guess if they are listening to the "little head". Seriously..there is NO way anyone can know when someone is "the one" instantaneously. Those are called whirlwind relatonships..and rarely work out. Most people are on their BEST behavior the first 3-6 months of a relationship...how could you know you wanna marry someone you've never even seen angry? Or had an argument with? THESE are the things that determine the potential of longevity...because the passion fades. This is why they say they the best bases of a relationship is friendship. Thats a good start...be his friend and stop focusing on the WEDDING DATE...you are making a grave mistake by doing that.

 

Give it time...

[cinderella jones]

Thanks Raykay for the advice. I agree with you ...I know 5 months sounds too early to tell anything.... the only thing is although 5 months is too early to discuss marriage talks about living with me are causing me too think that he does take me seriously.....knowing how I feel about living together, he makes me think that he is ready for a something more serious. I've already lived with someone and it didn't work. It made me feel like i have been through a divorce already, so with that experience I am very careful not to make the same mistake again. He is great and I know he is different, but why discuss living with me if marriage is such a far picture? This coming from a man makes me feel like he can be laxadasical about us and I am just wondering if the signs of those traits are seeping through now. For me at my age I feel that people can make quick decisions about what they want because we have already experienced enough to know in advance if something can work...I guess this is why I am feeling uneasy..but don't get me wrong I am in no way claiming that he should set a date so to speak....I am simply saying that I think he should be able to at least say or know that I may be the one for him....after 5 months one should know if the person they are with is worth pursuing something more.....how long do you think it takes for a man to make that decision in his mind? Just curious....

[ONE SXXY LADY]

Cinderella...

 

Some men just like to TALK in terms of the future...it's not uncommon for guys to do this. Maybe he IS considering a future with you but that is not the green light for you to put your foot on the gas pedal of the relationship. Have the read the book "The Rules"? The advice in that book is very old fashioned but they make some very good points about letting the man lead. Men can date forever....even if he SAYS he wants to live with you, they suggest it isn't a good idea, because that doesn't make them propose any faster. If anything it makes it worse.

Read that book if you haven't already...it couldn't hurt.

[Dako]

To me, 5 months is hardly enough time to know someone well enough to marry. Sounds like he's cautious instead of impulsive. Not a bad trait for a long term partner or a solid marriage. Imposing a schedule might stifle him and add tension to a splendid relationship.

 

Would waiting around for two years be a terrible a price to be with this guy forever?

[ONE SXXY LADY]

Cinderella...

 

Treating someone as you have known them a long time means they are comfortable with you....that is a good thing. Not every relationship has to have dramatics for it to be a great thing. Maybe he likes this "zone"...and if you try to throw a "wrench" into things he may not feel you are right for him. Men always move slower in relationships....women always want to know where it's going before the guy has even decided how he feels.

 

I can give you a tip that may help you see how he feels..but this is NOT a game to play with him. Make yourself LESS available...take a trip out of town with girlfriends or something. When a guy has the time to fantasize about you when they are not with you is when they moe closer. If he asks you how things went..etc, trll him but let him wonder a little. Men LOVE mystery. Maybe you've just become too predictable and that can kill the passion in ANY relationship.

[RayKay]

I am simply saying that I think he should be able to at least say or know that I may be the one for him....after 5 months one should know if the person they are with is worth pursuing something more.....how long do you think it takes for a man to make that decision in his mind? Just curious....

 

 

I think he can hope you are, but not be ready to marry you yet. Marriage is a huge thing, and at least he is thinking of it in more then romantic terms.

 

He IS pursuing you still, isn't he? So obviously he does think something "more" is possible. I think it is a big mistake to think that he must want to marry you now, or know he does not, or else he is wasting your time.

 

It's not just about age, it's about experience, values, and what's important for you in a marriage. Now maybe for you it is someone whom is funny and wants kids, but for him he is probably looking at this in terms of compatibility. It takes more then a good time together and love to make a marriage successful.

 

It's only been 5 months - that's about 150 DAYS. You have been dating 150 DAYS and you think he should know already that he is ready to get married to you in the next what...year? So he should propose what - next week so you can start planning? 2 years before marrying is NOT unreasonable in the least...you are BOTH still learning about one another.

 

If marriage is important to you, more important then it being RIGHT, and with the right person whom is also in it for the right reasons, maybe this is NOT the guy for you....but I advise you that you should be careful. Don't go into dating looking for an almost instant-husband & father for your future kids.....it will only get you into some rough spots. Of course, have standards, and don't be with someone you are not interested in and don't have fun with, but guys will FEEL that you are not in it for the right reasons, not with them for THEM, but for what they can "provide".

[Lyrren]

Speaking as a guy who has at times been put on the spot on this issue - he's stuck in a hole. When a couple start talking futures there are two options: 1) focus on the relationship, talk marriage etc; 2) try to be casual about the whole thing.

 

The problem is, (1) gets the girl's hopes up and at this stage in the relationship he's probably still being pragmatic - he's not sure, but getting the girl's hopes up would make it MUCH harder for him to walk away IF at any point he feels he wants to.

 

By contrast (2) leads the girl to this situation, getting worried that there is something wrong and worrying that he is already planning to walk away.

 

You'd be amazed how many guys don't realise how much they put their foot in it by avoiding mentioning the idea of committing together.

[OceanEyes]

After only five months of dating, I would NOT know whether or not a guy was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Depending on the relationship, "butterflies" are still present, and I wouldn't have any idea what he was like to live with. Heck, even after a year you're still getting to know each other. Which, I think is an absolutely beautiful thing ... one of the most natural and simple pleasures in life is really opening up your heart and your life to one select person, then spending the next couple of years really getting to know them. One of the best ways to kill this experience is with expectations and questions -- it puts pressure on the natural evolution of the relationship and forces us to re-evaluate and over-think the situation. Ultimately, it can kill the experience. To place expiration dates and deadlines on the progression of a relationship is just wrong - we can't predict how we're going to feel in a year. These things simply must come naturally.

 

This guy does sound very interested; he calls you and takes you out, discusses living together, and seems to truly care about you. After five months, that is really all you can ask for, sorry to say.

 

The bottom line here, is that you want marriage if you're going to be living together, and he seems to be unsure of an exact timeline. If you require marriage in order to live together, which is your right, and he doesn't seem to be sure whether or not he can give that to you, then you have two choices: 1) Sit back, enjoy the time you have with him NOW, and trust that it will happen in good time. 2) End the relationship, and, the next time you enter a relationship with a man, make your expectations known from the start. I can tell you though, not many men want to be put in that position.

[cinderella jones]

wow you all have great views on this topic. I appreciate all of your advice so thank you. I guess I am just feeling that desire for a great change in life and I am a bit bitter that everyone else I personally know seemed to have gotten these men who just new automatically that they were in love so to speak..not too toot my horn or anything but this is a first for me to experience a man just not falling head over heels for me which is a part of why I am feeling unwanted so to speak. But I do take marriage very seriously and I want to make sure that the man I choose never hesitates his feelings towards me....so I guess that is why I don't get why he would want to live with me as opposed to just leaving it the way it is now.,..living apart....Onesexy lady is right though about me keeping busy and remembering that I too have my own personal life...so I agree with that statement...I am having trouble with that area in my life since everyone i know is married and are no longer available to hang with ...it's tuff being at this age and being single ...but I am hanging in there and again I appreciate everyones advice.....thank you

[Lyrren]

It might be hard being single when all your friends are married, and it might be unusual to you not to have a guy know instantly that you're right together. But where are these guys now?

 

You need to sit back and relax and let the relationship build itself.