6 years and still grieving

[annagladys]

I met this man 6 years ago and had a very strong romantic fling right before I left for graduate school. This man spent thousands of dollars on phone bills the first year I was away, but when i came home for the holidays- he was very distant and it appeared he didn't want much to do with me. I grived over him for many months and when i returned home in the summer, I was able to begin seeing him again- he ended up breaking up with his new girlfriend for me. The day I was leaving to go back to school- he simply told me to go to hell and I was devastated.

 

There were many months where we did not communicate (he was mean to me on the phone- yet I still had this passion for him and believed that it was my going away and his immaturity that led to all the problems.)

 

After grad school, instead of staying and finding work, I was drawn to come home and move close to him so that I could try and get him back (I truly believed that we were meant to be). The next 2 years was a struggle. Most of my time was spent accomodating him- and he would break up with me and sleep with other people every once and a while. I stayed loyal- and only went on a few dates and slept with someone once (to see whether I could really be with someone else). It was evident that i couldn't be without him.

 

I couldn't find a job- so I moved about seven hours away and was looking and still called him and told him how much I wanted to be with him. He wasn't convinced- and i onlymoved away because i truly felt he wasn't fair to me and i wanted to secure my career before i went crazy.

 

Only after being away for 2 months, i got a job offer near him and was so exicted to tell him that i was moving back. I drove specifically to his house and tried to spend time with him- but he refused me and after having sex with me left me there because i used something of his that he didn't want me to (hand cream). I saw this as hateful control over my success and that he was angry at me. I also felt he must want me in his life- since it had been 4 years and we were still seeing each other off and on. I also felt guilt because i had left him for school and i should expect that he isn't going to be faithful?

 

I left his house after he left me there and he didn't call me after that for 3 months. When he did, I was so hurt that I avoided his calls. Two months later I called him and he wouldn't speak to me. Several months later, he came back and said he wanted to change our lives together and wanted me to move in with him. I was scared. I didn't move in with him because he only asked me once- but i did see him change his behavior towards me for 6 months. He stopped leaving me, cheating and all that- and acted devoted to me more than he had ever acted before. I truly believed that things were working out. He did, however, break up with me before Christmas as I was out late and he was angry that I wasn't in on time. I also found out during this time that he had got a woman pregant the previous summer when we weren't speaking. This devastated me.

 

I know now he didn't intend for me to stay broken up with him- and I only ended it earlier this year because I was afraid it would destroy my job and career (I found myself crying at work and had butterfulies in my stomach all the time). I called him 2 months ago after his baby was born, and wanted to get back together cause i truly missed him and wanted us to live together now that all his issues were out in the open. I found that he is living with this new girl who he absolutely loves. He talks to me every day on the phone and encourages me to move on.- but I am in so much pain. I have struggled for six years and want nothing more than to be with this person. I truly believe that we have grown together - but now he is very happy with someone who he believes loves him more (this isn't the woman he got pregant). I feel so guilty and wish I had done things differently. He blames most of the issues on me and I am starting to believe that I could still be with him if I would have been more patient with him. I cry all day and have missed more than 8 days of work in the past 2 months.

 

Yesterday he told me that he didn't think he would sleep with me anymore (he did twice last month) because his new woman is very sexually compatible with him and he didn't want to ruin their commitment together. I truly feel that they will marry (she is absolutley beautiful). He is still willing to see me and talk to me on the phone but doesn't act or behave in the committed way that he did prior to telling me he was having a baby with someone else-and prior to my finalizing our breakup during christmas. He still tells me that he loves me - but that his feelings have changed for me since this new person has entered his life.

 

What is worse is that I haven't wanted to be with any one else in 6 years. If I go on a date with someone else, I start crying because he is the only person i want to be with- i feel I have earned it since he has admitted that at times he has been unfair to me. I truly feel that it is just easier for him to start a new relationship than to mend the one we had. I cannot seem to move on- but he can. How can I get him back or get over him? How can i stop crying every day and throwing up and not eating? These symptoms have been going on for years (every time I lose him).

[babycristy456]

i read ur post and it sounds like you are really bad. You are struggling to see if you should try to get him back or move on...you need to move on. If he has not changed in the 6 years that you have known him, why would he now? It sounds like he has finally moved on and found someone he can stay faithful to, this is an improvement for him. Don't take that away from him. Let him be with that some one that changed him. Try to concentrate on your own life and think about yourself. Just like you left to pursue you career, you have to leave him completely to pursue your happiness. Forget the phone calls and contact with him. You are getting hurt physically because you are not eating and are depressed. Just think about all the things he's done in the past, and why your relationship wasn't able to work before. If he was truly happy with you, why would he cheat on you constantly? Love is suppose to be healthy and make you happy. Not make you suffer. I advice you seek medical help because of your eating habits and crying all the time.

I also cannot stress enough about not making any contact with him, either phone calls, sleeping with him, or such. It just delays the process of moving on. Think about yourself. He is happy with another woman, if he loved you, he'd be with you, and he would be faithful to you. Be strong and move on and find a new guy. When you start mending and feeling better and forgetting him, you will see that it's not so hard to date anymore.

Good Luck in Everything. I hope you do the right thing and are strong enough to pull through.

Love

Cristy

[annagladys]

Cristy

 

He obviously doesn't do things in the traditional manner. I think he is still willing to sleep with me (even though he says not). My thinking is that he has been there for me more than any other woman (including the one is with now). This is why it is so difficult for me- if i look at his past- he has always come back to me. I just think he won't this time because the woman lives with him and he depends on her financially and sexually. I know moving on is what i should do- but i obviously can't and i believe that he has contributed to this by still calling me and telling me that he loves me when i ask him. also, he makes a few hours a week to come over and visit me (hoping i will try and sleep with him- i guess). it seems like a cruel game- but my love for him is so strong that he knows i will do this.

[Genesis]

Sweetheart please leave this man alone! You need to find the strenght to stop calling him and move on with your life. This man does not respect you, or feel the need to treat you the way a woman should be treated.

 

I know that it will be hard ,but move on with your life you have already done everything in your power to try to make this "relationship" work.

I would have left this guy a long time ago , he is putting you at risk for STD's and he treats you like dirt.

 

It sounds as if you do not value yourself b/c if you did you would know that you are a wonderful woman who deserves better than what this guy is offering to you .

 

Walk away and never look back. This BOY only wants what he can not have, so when he sees that you are making it with out him, he will try to come back into your life. I hope that you will be smart enough to not take this creep back.

 

Get support from your friends and family to help you get through this messy breakup. You should also find a church in your hometown and grow from the power of GOD. He does not Love you if he is treating you that way.

[Genesis]

Every time I read this story it makes me sad. Really, honey what helped me with my break up with my boyfriend of four years, was going to church and finding strength in the words of GOD. Go buy a bible and PRAY! TRUST ME YOU WILL STOP CRYING AND FEEL SO MUCH BETTER ABOUT YOUR LIFE! If everything in your life is going wrong why not try out something that is right.

 

I found out that contact only re-opens the wounds so you have cut off all contact with him. Give him one last chance(I WOULD NOT) and if he does not take your offer then leave for good and NEVER LOOK BACK!!!

 

Giving up sixs years is nothing compared to spending the rest of your life with a cheat! I gave up a total of 8 years of my life in bad relationships and I am never going back!! YOU CAN DO IT TOO!

[Chibi_usagi_noodles]

Hey listen, what you have to do hun is stop llooking back, just forget him, dont even have him as a good friend. tell him how bad he has been treating u. I kind of know how you feel, once i had a boyfriend i really loved him soo much, i felt like he was the one, I was 14 at the time, but i really felt like wow wit him like it was the special guy rite from my dreams. his parents where Russian and didnt believe that he should go out with me, they stopped me from seeing him and it was hard because he kept commin back to me but i had to tell him never to come back again, because i didnt want to get him or me in trouble. i was so depressed i almost commited scuiside. And even know it still bothers me, i get flash backs and i feel wounded all over again, just dont remember him, just go on hun, trust me, in about an year you not gonna remember, its better then just keep on ruinin ur life.

 

peace.. keep me posted

[kdreger]

He's messing with you.

 

As a guy, it's obvious to me. It's called emotional abuse. You play hot and cold and it messes with a person.

 

I remember reading in one of these forum's a good analogy. Your partner is like a cat - you chase the cat, it runs. You ignore the cat, it comes to you.

 

You need to have the willpower to ignore his emails and calls. What will happen? Either he will wonder why and try to find out or he will lose interest. Both are good. If he wonder's why he will try to find out - keep your distance. If he wants you back, make him earn it.

 

My sister went through a similar circumstance. You have to regain your self-respect and dump this SOB. He will use you forever. If he marries this other woman, he'll still come back to you and use you. The only way you can take control of your life is by breaking his hold on it.

 

Trust me, you can do it the hard way and do what you're doing for another couple years and learn the lesson I'm telling you or you can stop now and save those years.