Emotional Support During a Breakup..

[Jjasonn28]

Hello

 

This question is more aimed at the ladies, but if you guys have input too, that would be good.

 

At the moment, me and the ex are 'in between'. What I mean is, we havent officially agreed to start over and rebuild, but we havent walked away from eachother or have made ourselves available to others. I guess its most commonly known as 'limbo'. We have agreed to involve eachother more in our lives for a while, continue talking, and see where things go. She initiated this 'break up', and I am actually happy in a way, because I was able to see things about myself, and she was able to see things about herself that we were both blind too.

 

So we are taking it one day at a time, and although Im not overly happy, the fact that she is willing to involve eachother, gives me a contentment and hope. I have posted about my situation many times, and I keep getting the same consensus, but mostly from men. That we are in limbo, and I am giving her the emotional support she needs until she is ready to completely let go.

 

So, ladies, is this it? Is where we are ultimately on the road to the end? Or is it possible that 'getting to know eachother' again IS possible. She has REALLY made an effort in the past couple days to involve me, and I her. Maybe effort is the wrong word. But shes included me in her day to day happenings, which hasn't happened for over a year. Is the light I see at the end of the tunnel a big train headed my way? Or maybe, could it be the dawn of a new day??

 

JP

[TiredMan]

How long were you together?

[Jjasonn28]

3 1/2 years. 2 years we lived in the same city, last year and a half she has been in university. Only about 100 miles away, but with her not having a car, its difficult.

[kellbell]

Hi there,

 

From a ladies POV...

 

Well, like I mentioned in another post, don't be her doormat and that's what you are doing and no one respects a doormat. Set some boundries for yourself. I would not stay in limbo for long. Usually in situations like this, the outcome is never good and someone gets really hurt. Usually the person who does the waiting around. I hope you feel better soon and take good care of yourself.

[TiredMan]

I'm not so sure about that. I'm in a state of limbo in my situation because she is having trust issues (with me and everyone in general). It's been months. But at the same time, my behavior pushed her in this direction so I'm trying to be understanding about it.

[kellbell]

Well, he asked for a ladies POV and I am telling you, no one should ever ask you to wait for them. Time is too precious and life is too short. Either you are with me or your not, if so let's work together if not, let me go and let me get on with my life. I mean I hope the best happens but in situations the odds are against you. If I truly loved and cared for someone, I would never ever allow him to wallow around in purgatory. But that's just me and my 2 cents. Good luck gentlemen, I truly hope things work out for the best for you.

[TiredMan]

Ehh, obviously that depends on the people, relationship and situation.

[patience]

It is important, I think, to decide how long you are willing to be in limbo. Set a time limit for yourself. Don't tell your ex what the time limit is though, this is something you decide for yourself. When time is up, if your ex is still 'not sure' then it is time to walk away.

[PocoDiablo]

She initiated this 'break up'

This was her way of telling you that it's over, and I believe she is trying to get you to break things off like any self-respecting man would do. It's a hint in my book, one that you are overlooking.

 

That we are in limbo, and I am giving her the emotional support she needs until she is ready to completely let go.

Yeah, doormat as mentioned. Are you her therapist? I personally find that "therapy" relationships mean the guy is friendzoned. What are you getting out of this? Once you stop flirting and having fun ... where's the "relationship?" A woman is, in my experience, never attracted to a boy (note the use of word) who provides deep emotional support. That's what children do, what mothers do, what girlfriends do, and what therapists do. If you want to be a boyfriend, you have to act like it! The only time I talk serious with my GF is if something really IS serious, like someone died or something stressful is going on. If there is something nutso going on between us, and it's typically just stupid bickering, I change the topic.

 

How? I ask her to help me with something. I ask if she wants to go get something to eat. I kiss her. You know, distract her.

 

So, ladies, is this it? Is where we are ultimately on the road to the end?

I think the road ended a long time ago. She stopped driving, so to speak, but you're heading out to the boonies on rollerskates.

 

Or is it possible that 'getting to know eachother' again IS possible.

Anything is possible ... but ... you already know each other, remember? Is there chemistry, butterflies, sexual tension for BOTH of you? No? Then you're hanging out with your sister, so to speak. It's great that you can be there for her, but would you ever date a sister? Of course not.

 

You can love a person, but not be right for them. Heck, I love my dogs, but I wouldn't date them.

 

She has REALLY made an effort in the past couple days to involve me, and I her. Maybe effort is the wrong word. But shes included me in her day to day happenings, which hasn't happened for over a year.

You know, with all due respect, that just sounds so ugly to me. Maybe I am reading it the wrong way, but it's like you are saying "Yay! She went to the grocery store and took me along. I got a lollipop." It's very much like a mother would treat her child. This just doesn't make my heart say "Hey, that's the kind of woman I want to spend a lot of time with." I like to go out and shoot pool, flirt, dance, listen to music, maybe get a bite to eat, hold hands, kiss her, stuff like that. You seem to be describing a relationship with your mother. I know I am missing a lot of details, but maybe you can think about it that way?

 

Is the light I see at the end of the tunnel a big train headed my way? Or maybe, could it be the dawn of a new day??

I'm thinking it's Porky Pig on a hand-powered cart. It's not the love of your life, though.

 

Just my take on it. Maybe if you can post some examples or details of something specific we can offer better input?

[Jjasonn28]

LOL. Awesome post Poco. I suppose yes, If I were to provide more details, perhaps people could understand the situation better. Your insights and suggestions are greatly appreciated. I will, respond in some detail to your thoughts. Too much detail would make this post a mile long...

 

This was her way of telling you that it's over, and I believe she is trying to get you to break things off like any self-respecting man would do. It's a hint in my book, one that you are overlooking.

A few nights ago, she invited me over for dinner. She made a great Lagana dinner, (and bought a bottle of wine). I told her that if she wants to be alone, I will respect that, and asked if it would make it easier if we just separated completely from eachothers lives. She said she didn't want that, and that she wants to spend time together, involve eachother more, and figure things out. Am I completely blind? Is this not a real attempt at rebuilding?

 

 

Are you her therapist? I personally find that "therapy" relationships mean the guy is friendzoned. What are you getting out of this? Once you stop flirting and having fun ... where's the "relationship?"

We havent stopped flirting or having fun. That is one of the main reasons I was confused of her actions. Ive seen her twice since the 'breakup'. The first time we went out to a real nice Tai restaurant, and went for a walk by the river. Okay, so not much flirting happened there, unless you consider holding hands flirting? We mostly talked about how we were feeling. I dont consider myself her therapist, but open, productive communication involving feelings is therapy to both of us.

 

Anything is possible ... but ... you already know each other, remember? Is there chemistry, butterflies, sexual tension for BOTH of you? No? Then you're hanging out with your sister, so to speak.

There is no doubt that there still is chemistry, butterflies and sexual tension for both of us. She told me how she kept looking out her window every 5 minutes, excited that I was coming for dinner... She emailed me explaining how she had well.. pleasured herself, to thoughts of us. We talk on MSN, (both have webcams) and there was plenty of 'flirting' going on.

 

 

You know, with all due respect, that just sounds so ugly to me. Maybe I am reading it the wrong way, but it's like you are saying "Yay! She went to the grocery store and took me along. I got a lollipop." It's very much like a mother would treat her child.

LOL. That is too funny. Okay, I can see how this may come accross that way to you. All I meant was, that in the past year, we have talked about whats happening in our lives, but we never involved eachother. She would tell me that she had essays to write and all that, but thats about it. Yesterday, she called me to ask my help in finding a topic she needed to write an essay about, and we had a half hour conversation about her favorite activites and 'why its worth investing so much of her time in them'. This may not sound like girlfriend/boyfriend stuff to other people, but its involving me. It makes me feel closer to her, not physically, but mentally.

 

 

I'm thinking it's Porky Pig on a hand-powered cart. It's not the love of your life, though.

Porky pig could still do a ton of damage But thanks for reminding me that its not the end, no matter what happens. Although I am certain, I want to love her for the rest of my life..

 

JP