Finally starting NC from now on!

[nataliejulie]

Yes, once again, as always you guys are right.

*sigh* He sent me another message, (I hadnt written to him) late last night it said:

"Rah, I have to go bed and dream before work, so I wish you the best sleep, goodnight : ) "

 

Question: After a couple weeks of ignoring him, When I eventually do have to contact him, what will I say when he interoggates me about having no contact? Do I tell the truth? Make up some sort of story? Because its certain he will ask, especially since its coming out of the blue.

 

Thx for the encouragement too!

 

Tell him the truth. Tell him, "You dumped me. I'm moving on." He will totally not be expecting that. And it's true.. you HAVE to move on. He broke it off with you which means, HE CANNOT HAVE YOU !

 

If you remain in contact with him.. he has his cake and eats it too, while you suffer. Tell yourself the only way you'll get close again is if he makes an effort to work things out -- other than that, it's time to move on, up and over him.

[LiquidCherry]

Your NC isn't coming out of the blue! You've been telling him repeatedly that you need NC. What is unexpected of you is that you followed through. I truly hope that you are not interroggated as he has no right to do such a thing. He let you go and so he must let you go. There will come a point in time where you will start to wonder if you want him back or if you just want the IDEA of him back. Once you have had the chance to truly evaluate your relationship you may even find that you don't want him back at all. Healing can be painful but it is the only thing that will help you feel better. Remain strong, brighter days are ahead even in these cold winter months.

[selfi]

He just sent me a text message telling me that our favourite Simpsons episode is on television. And ... I want to respond so much, sorry, I know I shouldnt say this

[Hawk]

Rah I am sure that you know when the Simpson's is on TV - I hope you didn't respond. And remember here in Oz we are a couple of days away from summer in the greatest place on earth - I know I am looking forward to that!!

[selfi]

Nah I didnt end up responding. I had the phone in my hand all night thinking about it but I didnt. Its true that NC is the hardest thing you can do as im finding it to be so difficult. Apart from text messages, The ex hasnt really made any effort to contact me for 5 days.

Summer always promises a lot of good times so I am looking forward to that Hawk

[Hawk]

Well done!! There would be a lot of people on this forum who wish they had the same level of restraint that you showed. Damned mobile phones, they are the work of the devil!!!

[selfi]

hello, it seems blocking him on MSN has caused him to writeme. ive just been sent an email. it reads:

 

hello Rah!

 

i've been on the net lately and you haven't been on, so i thought id email and say 'hello' ive been pottering along, i re wrote alex lloyds amazing to talk aobut the game show, so ill have to show you it. i love the thirsty merc cd, thanks so much for the burn.

 

i really like that 'build a bridge to get over myself song' it reminds me of myself sometimes. download 'you don't bring me flowers' its a beautiful song by babs streisand

 

will call you soon Rah, hope your well

 

ive attache a funny picture, so i suggest you look at it to laugh

 

huggles, Evan

 

 

There you go. My NC so far has caused him to email me. What do I do now? Its this type of stuff that makes me really weak! Is it a big deal and hinderence on my progress if I answer? I really need to know.

And if he calls me tomoro do I answer? Arggh, I wish he hadnt written to me. Help.

Please.

[LiquidCherry]

I myself, I wouldn't reply. To me it sounds like he's saying a lot of things that will keep you in a sad place. He still hasn't said, "Hey, lets talk," or, "I made a mistake," or, "I want you back." Don't ever accept less than what you want.

[Hawk]

My view is the same as liquidcherry, nothing that he has contacted you with says anything about mistakes, being wrong or fixing things. He is trying to keep the good parts that he enjoyed with you. Maybe he's guilty, but this constant nice guy routine that he is running with you is really stopping you from healing - in my view.

[selfi]

your right he hasnt hinted getting back with me. i have done so far a week of NC. i feel like he will probably call me either tonight or tomoro.

at the moment i feel like i have two choices;

should i not pick up to stand my ground and not settle for less than what Im after? Or answer the phone, ask him what he wants,then tell him im busy? just not sure

[Hawk]

I think that's an easy question to answer (for me anyway) - my life is about me and getting anything less than I deserve or want is a compromise that I probably don't want to make - if you pick up the phone and ask what he wants, what is the likliehood that it has been anything else than what has gone on before.

 

I don't know, I just think there comes a time where you have to draw a line in the sand and say enough is enough - I don't want to play anymore on your terms.

[LiquidCherry]

If by chance he does call and you pick up the phone don't bother asking him what he wants. If he wants you he'll tell you, no need for questions. Answering the phone may set you back, in fact, it probably will. This guy has made it even harder for you to move on and so you can't let him do that any longer.

[selfi]

Its been a while since ive last posted...in the meantime a few things have happened and i feel like jotting it all down

 

I almost completed two weeks of NC - almost. But he called and I answered. Grilled me on why I havent been responding to his texts etc..

Anyway I agreed to go out with him to find something for us to wear to a dress up party. It went fine...until we 'hooked up'

We didnt have sex but were close to it...we agreed beforehand that it would be no strings attached but afterwards I got upset with him when he straight away told me to take him after we were 'done' and his overall attitude was overall pretty foul, so it ended on a bad note.

 

A couple of days later I talked to him on the phone and told him how upset his behaviour was that night and that I wanted him to speak to me again when he realised what e had done wrong.

 

The next night he rang and apologised to me. Over the next couple of days we talked to eachother over the phone quite a lot.

 

Then came Friday, which we had planned to atend a 21st party together. I came to his house earlier on that day, we had lunch...then slept together. After that marked the first episode of 'emotional outpour' :

It would start with him making a remark while we were lying in bed together like "You know we will probably never do this again" then I would start to get upset, and it spiraled into him breaking down because the conversation stressed him out.

 

After the party we went back to his place to crash and then came the second 'emootional outpour'. We agreed that we shouldnt talk to eachother ever again as our situation is too sticky.

Then we started to get very scared and both started crying.

He told me a hell of alot of things; eg: he loved me, that no one willl ever compare to me, and that if we are truly meant to be together, then we will find a way to be some time in the future. We cried for what seemed like 3 hours at least.

I was emotionally exhausted and fell asleep during the day, so he left me at his house alone while he went out for a few hours. We agreed that when I was ok to drive that I would just leave, so we wouldnt have to say goodbye.

 

But I must of been really tired, because when he returned late that night I was still sleeping.

Evan woke me up and told me that he missed me and that he was so glad that I was still lying in his bed. We slept next to eachother that night and I woke up in his arms the middle of the arvo today.

It was like we were together, it was the most lovely thing that has happened in a while...

Before I left, he told me that I was beautiful and that when he initially broke up with me 'because he was no longer physically attracted to me' was a lie.

Evan told me that he knows my feelings are stronger for him, than his are for me, but that he is open to the idea of us getting back together.

 

And thats it so far. I suppose what you'll all tell me is That the bottom line is that we are still not a couple and what I did was wrong...but Im in love with him all over again, and want him back more than ever...

[LiquidCherry]

He said that he is open to the idea of getting back together. This is not the same as wanting to get back together but at least he's let you know that he is thinking of it and I'd say it's a positive sign. That being said, I would wait for him to conact you and let him lead BUT I strongly suggest that you tell him you are no longer willing to sleep with someone who you are not committed to.

 

I think you know that when my boyfriend broke up with me he acted in a very similar manner to your ex so I've felt somewhat of a connection to your post as I understood how confusing and difficult the situation is. He tried on several occasions to hook up with me and I always turned him down. I told him casual sex was not what I wanted in any way. A saying ran constantly through my mind: "Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?" If he gets to have you, physically or emotionally, while the two of you are not together you are probably not going to end up having him.

 

Wait for him to contact you and let him lead. Do this by remaing somewaht distant. That's the best advice I have to offer.

[ocrob]

Hi Selfi,

 

You have to ignore him completely! It sounds like you are using NC to get him back, which could work, but also use it to get over him. My ex loves me so much as a friend. I was her support system and she would love me in her life. But, it does not help me and it hurts way too much. You are your ex's support system as well as an ego boost. When he sees that you no longer communicate with him he will either freak out and come running back or he will leave you alone and give you peace. I have officially done NC for six days now. I miss my ex, but have not come close to contacting her. I am pretty confident we will either never talk again or not talk for a couple of years. It's hard, but you just have to do it.

 

Good luck!

 

ocrob

[selfi]

I also forgot to mention that while we were fullly prepared to do strict NC, after he came back from his outing that night, he told me he realised that he missed me so much while he was gone for a few hours and couldnt imagine cutting me out of his life and that he definitely did not want NC.

 

I also told him that the next time he sleeps with me, will be when he calls me his girlfriend. He agreed.

[redandblack]

I also told him that the next time he sleeps with me, will be when he calls me his girlfriend. He agreed.

 

Good job! Keep standing up for yourself and don't accept anything less than you want. I hope for the best for you!

 

Take care!

[LiquidCherry]

Oh I'm so glad you told him that!

[selfi]

Thankyou! I will let him lead from now on regarding calls etc . He knows exactly how I feel, and what I want. This process hurts because Its sort of renewed my hope, which I dont want to be hanging onto at the same time.

[selfi]

the only contact we have made in the past couple of days has been through MSN. he hasnt tried to call me or anything since Sunday night. Ive explained my weird situationto a few of my friends and they all seem to say that he is stringing me along. I suppose I have to see how things go...

[selfi]

he called me last night and we talked on the phone for 2 hours. just nice general things,(exchanging xmas gifts etc)

I also cleared up issues i had with a work mate of his that was sending him very *friendly* text messages.

 

then we ended the conversation on a bit of a downer, I was disappointed he didnt bring up wanting to see me again and just gave me the "talk to you soon" line.

the reason i expected more was because of the intense previous weekend we spent together, so it seemed like nothing had changed and i had felt like i was back to sqaure one at the end of it all.

when i put down the phone i cried and cried and cried. (and then cried some more) i didnt want to be feeling like this after 2 and a half months, its ridiculous.

so i did the not so smart thing and picked up the phone again

 

after much deliberation i called him back, sobbing. it didnt take him long to figure out what was wrong, this is what Evan told me;

 

-that HE wants to be the one to initiate the asking me out coz thats what will make me happy and its better for us

- That he didnt want me to feel like nothing had changed since that weekend because he knows it will in time

- And not to worry that what im doing will chase him away because it isnt.

 

When we said goodbye, he goes "goodnight beautiful" Which felt wonderful and strange at the same time.

 

Is this progress or Am I still being strung along?

[LiquidCherry]

after much deliberation i called him back, sobbing. it didnt take him long to figure out what was wrong, this is what Evan told me;

 

-that HE wants to be the one to initiate the asking me out coz thats what will make me happy and its better for us

- That he didnt want me to feel like nothing had changed since that weekend because he knows it will in time

- And not to worry that what im doing will chase him away because it isnt.

 

Is this progress or Am I still being strung along?

 

- Will it really make you happy waiting and hoping with every conversation that he *just might* ask you out? (Or will it just make you cry if he doesn't?) This is better for HIM because he can see you on his own time, in his own time, when ever he wants to. What about you while you're waiting?

 

- Nothing has changed since last weekend. He is still not with you, he is still stringing you along.

 

C'mon selfi, "he knows it will change in time?" Give me a break. Maybe someday he'll want to be with you?? Now if this were a break that the two of you were taking and were working on making things actually work I could buy this but under the circumstances it sounds like a lot of string. I'm not fond of maybe someday's. Or string.

 

- He doesn't want you to stop begging! He actually LIKES knowing that he has you in the palm of his had. What an ego boost for him knowing that he can have as much or as little of you as he wants.

 

Have you ever teased a dog while eating food? You know, they sit there in front of you looking all cute and you know what you're eating must smell REALLY good to them 'cause it sure does smell good to you . And even though you have no intentions of sharing (Because people food is bad for them of course!) you lean forward and eat reeeeaaaaaly sloooooowwwwwwwly with your eyes closed. They'll sit there and stare at you the whole time and then, like that, you're done. You get up and walk away without a second though. The dog looks confused because it thought you really were going to give it at least something and so it goes over to where you were sitting and sniffs for crumbs. [-X

 

Anyway, that's my analogy. (And yes, I really do that; to dogs, not people.)

[selfi]

thx LC its true, maybe he does like seeing me beg. prehaps he is keeping me as a safety net or something...after his busy xmas season is over than he's gonna have all this unfufilled time, i wouldnt be surprised if he 'fits me in' then. Grrrr

anywho i just have to wait till i hear from him next, i wont make ANY contact till then.

 

i like your analogy, it makes sense to me.

keep ya's updated!

[selfi]

after chatting to him on the phone all week today we went shopping and hung out at my place.

 

Problem was, that in the period of not seeing him for the previous week, I got very touchy feely with him while we were out (like hugging alot etc) This wasnt a good idea at all.

when we got home he told me that he didnt know how to react to my 'clingyness'

I apologised, and he said that even though HE ENJOYS IT, he doest know if that "leading me on"

I told him that I wouldnt do it again, but since we are open to getting back together that the 'leading me on' term is getting abit old.

THEN HE TOOK BACK THAT HE'S OPEN TO GETTING BACK TOGETHER!

I was shocked. After the whole 'hoo-ha' on Sunday and everything!

I started crying again, and said I couldnt do this anymore. He literally took it all back! All he stated was that "if it happens somewhere down the track then it will" (Apparently to Evan somewhere down the track means at least 6 months or so) What a complete jerk.

I dont deserve this and neither does anyone else going through this.

 

So I told him not to worry about exchanging Christmas gifts then, as everything seems be a lot of BS... and then he started crying!

He got really upset saying that he wants to give me my gift more than anything to make me happy and that he's going to give it to me no matter what.

 

And so he is ALWAYS confusing me with his screwed up behaviour. He says he has no idea why I care for him so much. Well I have no idea why he declares that he wants me in his life, misses me dreams about me, flirts with me to NO end, buys me extravagent gifts and then at the end of the day doesnt love me. One of the last things Evan said to me today was "tell me how to feel" ... (?)

 

I think Im beggining to hate him.

[LiquidCherry]

I don't blame you for beginning to hate him. It gets old, being pulled in one direction and thrown in another.

 

I know when ever I have feelings for someone I want to be near them. I want to touch them, feel their touch and just be close. SOME people have told me that I am clingy and the minute this statement comes out of their mouth I know we are not compatible in a very BIG way. I need to be with someone who shows their affection in the same way as I do or I feel sad and thats just not how I want to feel when I'm in love.

 

Your situation is different but still... It wasn't a mistake to show your affection by hugging and touching. Your mistake, like mine, was showing your affection to someone who is not receptive. He enjoys it because well, why wouldn't a guy enjoy having a female fawning over them but, if he were to act in kind it would be leading you on because he doesn't feel the same way towards you as you do towards him. Save it for someone who has something to give back, like a heart.

 

Selfi, people who want to get back together with you will try. They won't say, "I'll try later," or, "If it happens somewhere down the track then it will." You can say that about anything! That is such an open ended BS statement. You're right, you don't deserve this.

 

You know why he tugs on your heart strings and in the end still doesn't want to be with you. Because he's stringing you along. It's gotta be an ego boost to know you're always there in the background and when ever he needs a little kick you're right there, as much or as little as he wants, whenever he wants.

 

He wants to give you a Christmas gift to make you happy. BS! He KNOWS that a relationship is really what you want. Don't accept the gift. Why would you? So you could wear it or keep it in your room and every time you see whatever it is you'll feel this bittersweet feeling: Oh, he cares about me sooo much because he gave me this gift to make me happy.. So why am I still sad? Because he doesn't care about me enough, let alone love me enough to be with me.

 

I can't believe he had the galls to say he's going to give it to you no matter what. That's more proof in my mind that he's stringing you along intentionally. I'm really getting PO'd that he's doing this to you. I think it's crappy and cruel. You have to make him stop doing this to you and the only way to do that is to remove your self from his life. You can do it; you've put up with this crap from him for so long I can almost gaurntee that finally putting an end to it will feel so much better.