My bf is not very good in bed!! ADVICE NEEDED DESPERATELY!!!

[Cyberchick]

Hi guys,

 

I posted something in another forum and this is related to that topic.

 

So my bf and I have been together 2 months. I really love him, but the only thing is that he is not a good lover. He just doesn't seem to know what he is doing, and it is frustrating. Our first kiss was horrible, but I worked on kissing with him and it is much much much better. Great actually. The sex itself is good, I like feeling him inside me. I never have orgasms, which he knows about. I have never had them with anyone, although I have always enjoyed sex.

 

When he kisses other parts of my body ( and this is rare ) I don't feel anything, it doesn't feel like he is using his lips sensuously. I want him to kiss my whole body.

 

He has only gone down on me twice, and the second time I had to ask him to do it. I didn't feel anything but I know that guys don't always know how to and he is certainly not the first, so that didn't concern me at all. I have mentioned to him that I would like him to go down on me more often and he still doesn't initiate it when he has the chance.

 

In general, he doesn't touch my vagina or look at it. I don't think he has ever really looked at me totally naked. And he never comments on my body. He says it is nice when I have asked him what he thinks but I don't get the feeling that he thinks that my naked body is an amazing thing or that he gets hard by looking at it. I asked him why he doesn't seem to compliement my body and he says he thinks it's crass to reduce someone to a body part. But it makes me feel really sexy when someone verbalizes to me how much they love my body. I'm used to it with other guys --- but then with other guys, I have never shared with them the kind of bond I have with my bf.

 

He is always taking my hand and putting it on his penis and he loves blowjobs, but I seldom get much back from him. He loves kissing my face and my neck and playing with my nipples but I need more!

 

I need to feel like my pleasure is as important to him as his pleasure is to me. And I need to feel like I am the most beautiful girl in the world to him. I know he cares about me alot, and does alot of things to make me feel important. But in the sexual department, he seems to be rather selfish. Last night I cried and cried about this.

 

We have all the components of a wonderful relationship, a healthy relationship, but our sex life is definitely going to suffer unless he steps up. So how do I communicate to him what I want?

 

I am willing to teach him. I think about how amazing he is in so many other ways and I would exhaust every avenue possible to keep this relationship going. And I feel confident he would try for me.

 

I want to know as well from those of you who are currently in relationships and having a great sex life... did you go through with him/her what I am going through now with my bf? Were you able to overcome these issues and how did you do it?

 

I would REALLY appreciate the insight from you guys. Thanks!

[Day_Walker]

I think you are dealing with separate issues, what he doesnt seem to want to do sexually, his actual performance in bed and your emotional needs. While they go hand in hand in a sexual experience I think you need to address them separately. With his performance you are going to have to show him what you like and what you dont like. Now you can do this many different ways but the point is to explore what it is you like. If he isnt willing to perform oral sex on you as much as you like thats more like a luck of the draw than anything else, unless there are some hang ups why he doesnt like doing it. Your emotional needs seem to be the deepest issue here, I think its a combination of things but ultimately you need to have a conversation with him about emotional needs and you two need to go back and forth and discuss this issue from both sides.

[RooferGirl23]

How old is he?

[Boricua7]

I need to feel like my pleasure is as important to him as his pleasure is to me. And I need to feel like I am the most beautiful girl in the world to him.

 

This, my dear, is what makes sex amazing. If he makes you feel like there is no one else in the world he'd rather be with; that you are the most amazingly beautiful and perfect woman in the world, the sex can never be bad.

 

I want to know as well from those of you who are currently in relationships and having a great sex life... did you go through with him/her what I am going through now with my bf? Were you able to overcome these issues and how did you do it?

 

Don't worry sweetie, you are not the first OR the last to go through something like this. My boyfriend and I never had problems with him making me feel desired but I can tell you that we did have problems. The most important thing is that you be able to communicate with your partner about EVERYTHING. Some conversations are awkward and you're unsure how to bring it up but it is better to just get things out in the open then to keep it bottled up inside and be miserable.

 

So tell him exactly what you told us! Tell him you enjoy pleasuring him but that you need some lovin' in return. I would suggest depriving him of blowjobs if he doesn't seem to get the message. Let him know that oral sex and other components of sex are as important to you as they are to him. Tell him exactly what you're thinking and exactly what you want and tell him that you're willing to teach him. To communicate what you want, just sit him down and hit him with the truth. You need to be able to be completely open with one another for the relationship to work.

 

Good luck!

[Bethany]

Can't blame the man who isn't as experienced as you for not knowing what to do, all you can do is show him the way.

Buy a good sex manual and read it together. 'The Joy of Sex' can be found in most book stores and is a good start.

[Derek]

It's a fine line, to communicate about it without belittling him. Tell him you love making love with him but you'd like to share ideas on making it better. Perhaps bring it up not in bed but at dinner or something. Bring it up lightly. Think of yourself as coaching an athlete to become better, sure they already have talent but now you are refining the skills. =)

You are giving him the roadmap to your pleasure and he needs to study it well. He needs to make your body his hobby. Your body's pleasure is your mutual project. He should get to know your body better than his own. (and vice versa)

 

I think the idea of going through a book together is great. Makes it a third person making suggestions not 1st person.

 

 

 

[MyNinja]

fisrt off, I am sorry to hear about this problem

 

Communication is definitely the key here. I know you may have heard it a billion times, but it's the honest truth. When you both have time set him down and tell him what's on your mind. (avoid the bedroom for this talk, maybe even the house altogether. Go, maybe, to a restaruant). When you're speaking to him try not to use "you should", "i wish you would..." etc. This language is very defensive and he may become hurt, angry or confused. Instead, say things like, "i feel...", "I think we should try..." etc.

 

Give it a shot and see how he responds. If he still is confused about how you are feeling then explain to him your deep feelings as you did with us. Believe me, with what you wrote I could almost feel you pain. I'm sure he would too. Good luck!

[Cyberchick]

Thanks for your replies.

 

Bringimg the subject up at a restaurant... wouldn't that be more weird than bringing it up in the bedroom? How would I even launch into the subject over dinner? My biggest worry is that he is going to feel like he is under evaluation by me and that he is coming up short. But I trust him enough that he will listen to what I have to say. He is such a wonderful man, I'm so lucky he's in my life. This issue is killing me,

[Derek]

I wasn't thinking a restaurant, but sometime when comfy at home, over take-out pizza, in comfy clothes or whatever, in light conversation just like talking about laundry. Not when you're in the bedroom or both naked and sweaty, that's not the time to talk about it since both of you and especially him won't be thinking clearly in any way.

 

Perhaps over ice cream after a warm meal at home.

 

Another tip, touch his arm, or curl up with him. He'll pay better attention if you touch him a bit. And TV/computer/newspaper off. No distractions. Put out a scented candle too LOL! He'll be putty in your hands girlfriend.

Now if you get him his favorite meal, he might start to get suspicious that something is up though =)

 

You're a woman, be devious, you can do it! He can't resist your charms! =)