tis difficult navigating the male psyche

[doorisclosed]

Here is the story in a nutshell:

 

I met my ex in January. It seemed like he was infatuated with me because he was very vocal and sincere regarding his feelings. He was my first bf and I was his second gf. Three weeks into our relationship, he even brought up the fact that he was ready to do a long distance relationship (we both knew that I would leave in 7 weeks and move back home (7 hours away) after school ended). Our connection was so strong (emotional, physical, intellectual) that it seemed magical and cinematic.

 

I moved back home and we continued the relationship through phone. I went to visit him once. As the months wore on, noticed him acting needy, miserable, and insecure bc I wasn't with him. After 7 months (I was about to visit him a second time), I noticed that he started acting distant, so I retaliated by acting distant as well. Two weeks later, he dumped me, citing that he "just couldn't do it anymore", that he "didn't feel the same way", that frequently he really needed me but i wasn't there, and that he didn't feel as though he was in a relationship. My pleadings fell to deaf ears. I called him every week for a while, but didn't really enjoy our interactions, as he acted very defensive and even borderline mean during them (don't understand why bc he's the one who dumped me and I've never wronged him in any way). On month after the breakup, he even stated that he would never get back together with someone that he ended a relationship with.

 

An interesting note is that one week after we broke up, he contacted a mutual friend of ours and stated to her that he finally found someone that he cared about, but that he really messed it up and that every moment we shared we perfect.

 

Two weeks ago, I sent him a breezy, yet sincere e-mail updating him on my life since our last interaction (one month no contact at this point). I have yet to receive a reply (phone call or e-mail). However, a few days after I sent the e-mail, I checked his myspace profile, and he had written, "i miss you and i love you". The next day, it was deleted. I'm pretty sure that it was directed towards me, bc when we first started dating, he had written on the profile, "so glad to have met you". BUT STILL NO E-MAIL. It's been 3 months since the breakup.

 

What is going on????

[Derek]

I am curious about the ages involved.

 

But even so, it seems he's faded away from your description.

So thereforeeee, even though it felt magical and cinematic, endings aren't always like Hollywood.

 

The only steps forward is to let time take its course. Maybe he will come around, maybe he won't. In either case, the best steps for you is to let him be and build your own life, see new people, have new interests. I am convinced that with some time and the new persons and activities in your life that your feelings will fade just the same. If he comes back later, you are in a more rational place to deal with him directly and honestly without the emotional turmoil because you'll have perspective on it then.

 

I'd suggest to not initiate contact from your end for 6 months even.

 

 

[valenski]

There is a book called love and limerance by Dorothy Tennov, it explains (I think) what your ex might have being experiencing. Limerance from my limited understanding is like long term infatuation, you think you are in love, you desire that someone but then after a while obsession becomes rejection and all of a sudden you cant see what you saw in that person before.

 

I found a more explainatory article on the web but dont remember where so I have no links to share but try psychology and limerance. Also it sounds like he's messing with you, maybe sending small indirect messages to trip you up and satisfy his ego. He knows you still feel for him so he might just be haunting you for a laugh, you need to reject those feelings and move on with your life.

 

Your moon orbits his world but who's moon orbits your's?

[doorisclosed]

I am curious about the ages involved.

 

But even so, it seems he's faded away from your description.

So thereforeeee, even though it felt magical and cinematic, endings aren't always like Hollywood.

 

The only steps forward is to let time take its course. Maybe he will come around, maybe he won't. In either case, the best steps for you is to let him be and build your own life, see new people, have new interests. I am convinced that with some time and the new persons and activities in your life that your feelings will fade just the same. If he comes back later, you are in a more rational place to deal with him directly and honestly without the emotional turmoil because you'll have perspective on it then.

 

 

 

I'd suggest to not initiate contact from your end for 6 months even.

 

 

 

 

The ages are 24 (me) and 25. I started NC, then sent one e-mail after a month, and currently, it's been one month since the e-mail, and I don't intend to break it until he contacts me. It's been almost 4 mos since the breakup. I just don't understand. I don't think that he's a commitment phobe, bc he was the one who wanted everything to get serious quickly and he was the one who always wanted to make future plans. He's a quality person, but very, VERY insecure. Early on in our relationship, he told me that he almost never contacted me again because he "liked me too much" and that he didn't want to get hurt (he was dumped by his ex). I never understood why he was so willing to give up our relationship, considering that he's extremely picky and doesn't really date. Even while we were breaking up, he was listing all the qualities that he liked about me, e.g. wit, intelligence, looks (his words, not mine) etc blah blah blah. He is most likely moving back to my area (his hometown) in the middle of Dec. There are just no signs of life coming from his direction.

 

During a conversation prior (and close) to the breakup, he ruminated on moving to Berlin or Hawaii after he graduated, instead of moving home, like we'd discussed. I then sent him an e-mail, stating that it hurt me that he mentioned moving and didn't seem to be including me in his plans. Then I wrote something along the lines of, "I don't want to tie you down by any means, but if you aren't willing to see me in your future, then perhaps this is not the right time for you to be in a relationship. I don't want to waste my time". However, I also kept up the optimism and mentioned that I wanted to visit him more frequently so that we could become closer and ward off the distance that separated us. The day after he received the e-mail, he broke up with me. I pleaded with him to work things out and told him that I would try to visit him every 2 weeks, to which he replied, "I know what will happen when you come. We'll have a great time, but then you'll have to leave again. It's not enough. If we were living in the same city, I'd see you 3-4 times a week".

 

Don't worry. I am following NC, and it's gotten a lot easier (I'd say that I've healed about 90%), but I still love him...

 

I just hope he isn't over me...