Am i driving myself mad????

[steff]

i think this is mainly a venting post... but if you can help, thanks.

 

 

i dont understand whats going on of late. i think its connected to my last post "i was raped" i cant stand being around people right now, especially family.

 

i cracked it the other day, i had, had enough of being kissed and hugged by my parents, but they are still forcing me too, i know its sounds horrible, but i dont want to have to kiss my parents each morning when i get up, each time i leave the house and come home, each time they leave the house and come home, and each night... it can be like 8 times a day, im sick of it, i want space, and i dont want to be touched.

 

my dad deliberatly (sp) goes out of his way to make me angry, and i know he does, coz he tells my mum that he does and that he enjoys it. he'll make me so angry to the point that i just want to cry or smash something. like today, there is one tv program that i like to watch, only last 30minutes, but every day he has to sit there and bag every word that comes out of the actors mouth... when i just want to sit there relax from my study for exams, and watch the program.... it annoys me.

 

all day long i just want to stare at the photo on my bedside table and cry, i dont want anyone around, i dont want anyone to talk to, i dont want to see anyone, i just want to lie there and cry.

 

im so sick of covering the reason why im upset to my mum, when she touches me i push her away and shes always like "has someone touched you" what can i say.... "YES" i just want a deep dark hole where i can never get out of...

 

sometimes i just want to get into my car and drive it into a tree... im sick of holding this pain inside of me, i sick of thinking about the rape every day, im sick of thinking that im never going to be good enough for my parents....

 

do u know what my dad said to me the other day, infront of friends... that i was a mistake, and that i wasnt planned and wasnt wanted, that he wanted a refund...

 

wow i feel loved.... greatly.

[House]

Man, I'm sorry to hear about all this. I think you need to get out and get some space. Your parents obviously are a little weird. If you could, I would suggest moving out of the home, although at 18 that's a little hard.

 

Driving yourself into a tree is never the solution, there's always something in life worth living for, sometimes you just have to look for it.

 

First, I would tell your parents the situation. Sit them down, and explain how it's making you feel. If they are good parents, they'll listen and understand. If not, you should know that maybe a home with them isn't neccessarily the best option. Rape is never an easy thing to go through, and it will take some time to get over, but know that everything will be alright soon enough.

[Serendipity1607307077]

I agree with House - talk to your parents and make sure that they understand how you are feeling. Don't let them interject - make sure they absorb everything you say to them, without any interruption. Make it clear that you want their complete support, and you don't want to hear negative things such as what you mentioned.. I think it's very rude and quite disgusting when parents say their children are an accident. If they don't want kids, well use a condom.. but it rubs off on you, and that's not fair on you. So make sure you mention that as well.

 

Moving out is an option, however if you are scared of being alone (especially since your incident) then it might not be a good idea.

[PavPPZ1]

Sweetheart,

 

At this point, you need a big change in your life. I would say you need to get out of your parents house and move on. Right now you are stuck on dwelling on yoru past and in the custody of your parents. If you go on your own you will have the oppertunity of avoiding that which has hurt you for so long. In as mcuh as you may not think so, your parents are part of the problem of your pain. Every day you think you want to let them know, but it has been so long that you are afraid to say anything. You have to take yourself away from this situation, and take control of yoru own life. This is the best thing you can do for yourself right now.

[whatfor]

hi sweety,

im sorry you are going through so much pain. Some people are blessed to have good parents, some not. Your mom sounds nice though, maybe she hugs and kisses you too much but at least it seems like she cares and tries to be nice and show love. My parents never hugged me, my mom does now when i arrive, at the airport, once in half a year.

When i was living with them i wanted to jump out of my window. My father was horrible, yours sounds the same too. Its so wrong to tell you you were a mistake, sounds like there is no love or respect, total j**k, excuse me.

My father always wanted a son, but instead had 2 daughters so he was treating me like a boy and bought boys toys for me.

Some people are lucky to have good parents, and when i was younger i wanted to have different parents, but you know what? Some one will be lucky to have good parents - our children, because we have been there and we know how we will never treat our kids and how we should treat them.

Take care and you have friends here.