to anyone who has been a victim of a cheater...

[smiles314]

I was wondering what kind of emotional heartache a person suffers when they have be cheated on in a relationship. In my case I am referring to my ex boyfriend. He was involved with a girl he loved very much for about 6 mos. He had every intention of staying together w/ her, till he had discovered she cheated on him. He was devastated of course- esp since he has a big issue w/ trust. He told me he was very hurt and cried a lot at the time that this had happened to him. But i met him after all this, and quickly about 3 months later jumped into what was to become a fairly serious relationship that he pursued for the most part. He never opened up to me and never wanted to talk about his ex gf cheating ..whenever her name was brought up he just got annoyed obviously..Eventualy while he was with me, he made peace with his ex gf and they were okay friends again.

 

My point and question- Although i used to think he still had feelings for her..I now know he is completely over her but is it possible he rushed into a relationship so fast with me w/o giving himself enough time to heal? Could he have a phobia of commitment and intimacy now? Or cant deal with a long term relationship? He broke things off with me 6 mos into our relationship for no reason-just saying he was too stressed, he couldnt handle it, relationships were complications but i did nothing wrong- he was happy with me. Is it possible hes a commitment phobic and just doesnt want to deal? we are only 20 yrs old- 6 mos isnt such a long time, we werent talking about marriage or anything- just very happy... I just am at a loss sometimes, bc i kno what we had was such a good thing, and he felt the same. It all just changed so quickly when we had to spend a month apart, and after awhile something just suddenly clicked for him, and w/o reason he just couldnt handle it. And when we were living in the same area again, 3 mos later he still had feelings for me and wanted to be with me but not as gf/bf. He just couldnt handle it- but how could he one min and then not the next?

As a sidenote- his parentss have been divorced for years now and his dad hasnt been fully there for him so i kno he has some hard feelings..dont kno if that has anything to do with it...maybe he is afraid? i have no idea..

[randmanq]

Maybe he came in contact with this girl? And it brought everything back. I know sometimes I can change my mind like that. Being cheated on is the worst thing ever, maybe confront him and ask him what you did wrong? And why he's having problems commiting to you. Maybe he rushed into something he thought he wanted, but it came clear he needs something different.

[cheech]

After all that has happened to him, I'd say that he's affected. Very affected. I'm not surprised that he's been feeling the way he is. In truth, I think he's treating his break up with that other girl like his parent's divorce. Being from a family with divorced parents, you'd know. He needs time and space to work things out with himself. He needs to think things through and know what he wants. Guys don't say it, but they're more often thatn not feeling insecure, so just give him time.

 

Good luck!

 

-cheech

[seven26ers]

Hi there! Well, being cheated upon is very devastating esp. if trust is a big issue. I have been cheated, once, and I had a really difficult time recovering. After we (the girl who cheated) and I broke up it didn't take long for me to enter into another relationship (which eventually didn't last that long, about 3 mos.) Looking back, it seems that I really didn't know what I wanted in the new relationship because I didn't have plans, I just enjoyed the companionship that I badly needed. Until now I can never really say that I have fully recovered because I still find it hard to trust. I didn't develop any fear for commitment or intimacy and I don't think that was the reason why I let go of my last relationship. I can just say that I was confused.

[smiles314]

well, me and my ex are very honest with each other. And even though we've been officially broken up for a yr. We have still be together on and off, in some weird relationship for the past 7 mos or so. I know for sure that the break up had nothing to do with him having feelings for his ex gf again. He is always truthful with me. And he made it clear that he doesnt want anything to do with her like that, and thinks nothing more of her except that shes a slut. And after our break up a few mos later we started talking again, and he said that he still missed and had a lot of feelings for me. And did regret breaking up with me in the end, but couldnt take it. So i know that he wanted this relationship btwn us more than me, and he even cried bc he realized how he was taking our love for granted at one point while we were together...

 

Cheech- could he still be so affected by this ex gf a yr later? i kno he doesnt want to be iwth her again.. But they do live in the same town, have some mutual friends i think---THanks for ur advice.

[cheech]

if he truly loved this girl, he'd have been absolutely CRUSHED by what she did to him. Through all the anger, there would have still been longing.. and questioning of his feelings and where he stands in her life. I think it's still possible. But then again, I could be wrong.

[Genesis]

You answered all of your own questions:

 

1. He did not give himself time to heal from his first relationship. He may be over this other girl but the scares and pain are still there.

 

2. He broke up with you because the both of you hit the Six month mark, which is that same amount of time of his first relationship.

 

3. He is afraid of you hurting him like his ex-girlfriend did. He reasoning was most likely dump her before she dumps you.

 

4. He is only 20 years old most guys at this age do not know what they want. He wants to be friends so he can still have you in his life and also explore other options.

 

5. He does not want to cheat on you! He knows first hand what being cheated on feels like, he does not want you to feel the same pain.

 

 

Just give him some space maybe he will see how GREAT you are! Do not invest your time in someone who is unsure of his feelings. Remain friends with him, but try to date others. He does Love you, he just does not know what he wants! Sometimes in life we can Love someone but they may not be the right person for us. Time will tell what will happen between you, but focus on making your life happy with or without him!

 

When someone cheats on you it is the biggest blow to the ego that anyone can ever have. It took me over a year to get over the pains of being cheated on after being in a four year relationship with my first love. Now I just got out of another four year relationship but I feel much better about myself this time around.