What is wrong with me? Still not over the Ex-Boy

[heartbroken84]

It's been nearly 4.5 months since the break up. He broke up with me. Just this past month we have gone back to university and on October 9 we hung out for the first time in a long time. He turned 21 and I took him for a birthday dinner. We had a good time, both agreed. And well he said maybe we can catch a movie next time. He unblocked me from AIM a week ago, so we've had maybe 3 or 4 chats. I'm still not over him--We had a 2 year relationship and I'm sure I need more time, and while he's done so many horrible things I still would want to get back together, but things would defintely have to be different.

 

Three weeks ago I started dating this new guy...while he's a great guy and I have fun...I'm mad at myself because my heart isn't into it. I'd rather be with the ex who could care less and only sees me as a friend. I am worried, and upset with myself. And I find myself having a hard time progressing with the new guy. I can't even explain...

 

Obviously, the ex is not chasing after me or telling me he wants to work things out. I'm just upset with myself, cause I'm in denial and not acceptinig the fact that it's over....and that I'm leading myself on and I will hurt a really nice guy.

 

I don't know whether I should just straight up say to the ex: hey, do you want to work things out? or is there any chance if we can work things out?

I don't know if thats the closure I need, so I can say to myself "alright, he knows I love him and care bout him still--but he doesn't want a relationship"

 

or

 

to give him time...but how much? and how do or what do I do with the new guy? what happens if the ex comes back when I'm in a relationship with the new guy. Mentally I want to wait around for the ex...but realistically thats not healthy and fair to me.

 

I know everyone will say move on...drop the ex...see the new guy cause he's nice. I just feel this crazy strong feeling and connection with the ex...and it doesn't help that I just invited him to an halloween party that he decided to attend...we'll see how that goes..but honestly I still love this guy and I can forget and forgive....but I want answers, I want to know if he wants to work it out before I can completely drop him....advice?

[HajiMaji]

Yeah, i hear ya. A few things.

 

It took me a good year to get over my relationship. Everyone is different, but it takes as long as it takes for all those emotions and feelings to go away. They will fade each day. Once they do you can progress with the new guy.

 

Closure is a hard thing to find. I never have had my closure per se. I have friends who have had "closure" but still their hearts lingered on. Even if he says he doesnt love you and never will again, your heart will have a hard time excepting that fact.

 

Now, your asking a lot of questions. Thats good and im glad to see it. But i cant begin to answer them. I just know that step one is getting over your ex. Dont feel embarrased about still being attatched to him! You loved him! It takes a long time to get over that. They say the harder we loved someone the harder it is to get over someone. Its a good thing to love people a lot, but feeling sad for a long time aferward is not so much fun!

 

I think youre doing alright. Take it slow with the new guy. Continue to let time pass and heal from your last relationship.

[I_KicKed_keNNedy]

I note the "Thirds Rule" when it comes to getting over a relationship.

 

In most, if not all, situations an individual requires a third of the elapsed relationship length to recover.

 

Example:

 

You have dated for 1 year. 1 Year divided by 3 equals 4 months. It takes four months to get over a one year relationship.

[polaris]

I know everyone will say move on...drop the ex...see the new guy cause he's nice. I just feel this crazy strong feeling and connection with the ex...and it doesn't help that I just invited him to an halloween party that he decided to attend...we'll see how that goes..but honestly I still love this guy and I can forget and forgive....but I want answers, I want to know if he wants to work it out before I can completely drop him....advice?

 

Well I wouldn't want to disappoint you, so...drop the ex and move on.

 

Seriously, though, a "strong feeling and connection with the ex" is perfectly normal, but is *not* a reason for putting your life on hold. Your strong feeling goes nowhere towards re-establishing a relationship with him. It's simply not the case that if you feel for someone strongly enough, somehow they'll come back to you. All the signs say he's not coming back, so whatever else happens, you can't put your life on hold waiting for him, however much you feel for him.

 

Make a real effort with the new guy, see if you can feel it as a relationship in its own right, something with a future, rather than something to do while waiting for your ex to return. And if you can't manage that, or it doesn't work out, then it's only fair to end things rather than string him along. But whatever you do, try not to let illusions of reconciliation with the ex influence the decision, because you'll be letting yourself and your future down.

[HajiMaji]

The third rule?! No way!! It doesnt work like that for me!!!!