Can't communicate

[stewmic1]

I just cannot communicate with my ex-husband. Without going into all the gory details, the relationship is not good. He lives in another state and for the most part, we just don't communicate a lot.

 

Here's the latest. I have our 15-year old son during the school year, then he spends the summer with his dad. For my son's birthday in April, my ex bought him a 1985 Toyota 4-Runner. This last weekend, my son was at the gas station and had reached into the passenger side to open the gas tank lever... then forgot the door was open and got back into the driver's side to get closer to the pump. You guessed it, he caught the door on a pole and bent it and the fender pretty badly.

 

Anyway... my step-father and my other son tried to bend the door back to get it to close, to no avail. For a new door and fender, I'm sure the damage to repair the vehicle would be well over $1000. My step-father recommended that we bolt the door closed so that the car is still driveable. This is what we did.

 

Now... my ex is furious! He has called me every name in the book and says I will be responsible for the holes drilled in the doorjam. His new wife also sent me a nastygram informing me that THEY still own the vehicle and that I should have notified them before altering THEIR car. I am so pissed I can't even see straight...

 

Any advice?

[nenez]

Firstly, my deep commiserations! Ex husbands can be the worst especially if new partners are involved.

Whenever we deal with an ex on a difficult issue all the problems that caused the marriage to collapse become foremost ie he doesnt communicate, he was mean , you were moody etc etc.

To counteract this try to deal with your ex as if you have never had a raltionship with him and he is a friend with whom you do not have a personal history. Always ask him how he is, before getting to any subject. Enquire after his partner. Always be patient and listen to what he has to say. accommodate his view even if he is utterly unreasonable. Always try to see his point. Bear in mind that his nee partner will want to see you as mad, unreasoabale, totally unworthy of any lingering affection he has for you and he may well. in oredrr to bolster his relationship with her, endorse this view.

Then reasobaly and calmly present your view as if he is going to endorse it. Assume he will, as a good and trusted friend, support and accommodate your view. Never bring up the past eg you left me for that scraggy old cow etc we are poor because of you etc because this will take you backwards.

It will take some time to get this to work but you will avoid the emotional turmoil he is putting you through at present.

Consider, if this had been a friends car, what would you have done? You may well have consulted them before acting but because your ex is unreasonable you avoided the contact.

It will be very hard but time dulls many pains and as you have to have a relationship with this man for the foreseeable future, its best to try and put it on a footing you can tolerate. If he continues to be a pain, you will at least have withdrawn yourself from the confrontataion.

Also, manage as much of your life as you can without involving him. If possible automate any money transactions so they happen without actual verbal contact. Do not talk negatively about him to your partner or to your children. this will prevent you having to work up righteous anger on their behalf.

The opposite of love is not hatred, it is indifference. The sooner you are indifferent to him, the better it will be for you, for him and for anyone else involved in the relationship.

Send them a christmas card.

I hope this helps.

With love, as always

nenez xx

[Eowyn]

What a terrible situation. I have no advice but I wanted to extend some well wishes. Its unfortunate about the car. Maybe your ex was really mad at your son for his mistake and was projecting it onto you. That may have fueled some of the nastiness. I don't think you should take it personally. You did what you thought was right by your son and there is no fault in that.

 

Good luck with this one.