IS ANYONE HERE COMMITMENT PHOBIC or DATED A COMMITMENT PHOBE

[CATLOVER]

Hi All

 

Ive know for years I have big issues with commitment....Ive done alot of work on myself but I know its still operating in my life. I only need look at the men I choose to know its still happening. Nearly every guy Ive ever chosen has bigger commitment issues than mine which covers mine up quite nicely whilst in a relationship. Only had one boyfriend who was generally a emotionally healthy individual ready to give me a healthy commitment and off I ran for the hills... So yes Im clear as anything I have issues......the problem is I have tried so hard and worked so hard to try and heal whatever it is inside that is holding me back and keeping me in this pattern....I just dont know what to do anymore.......I even did a spiritual healing course...Ive done it all and Ive read it all.

So for what its worth is has anyone recognised this in themselves at some point and overcome it....and if so....how?

Im at a loss.........Im really starting to feel like ill be forever having crap relationships.

[shes2smart]

Sometimes I think we've become too quick to label ourselves and others as having some sort of syndrome or having something wrong with us when, in fact, our behaviors could be seen as being logical, reasonable and sane if we looked at them from a slightly different perspective.

 

It sounds like you have done the necessary therapy/soul-searching/research to rule out any resolvable issues. Could it just be that you haven't met anyone you'd feel comfortable making a commitment to? Elsewhere in your post, you mentioned that you have a history of not picking the greatest candidates for life partner. If that is true, then it is the healthy choice NOT to commit to such a person. Even the guy you mention who was ready to make a commitment to you...maybe he's someone else's ideal partner, but you may have seen something in him that wasn't going to be compatible with you over the long haul.

 

A lot of what we experience in life is directly impacted by the way we choose to look at things. If you keep looking at yourself as if there is something wrong with you ("I'm commitment-phobic") you are going to draw people and experiences to you that will reinforce that belief. If, on the other hand, you choose to see yourself as being whole and healthy ("I am selective in my choice of partners. I commit only to an appropriate partner") then you will tend to draw people and experiences to you that reinforce that belief.

 

Dunno about you, but after a certain amount of therapy and introspection, I really got tired of being labeled "sick" and seeing myself as "sick." It wasn't until I started choosing to view myself as whole and healthy (albeit with a few personality quirks, but they're part of my dubious charm ) that I was able to start creating the kind of life I wanted.

[stewmic1]

I recently ended a relationship with a commitmentphobe, so I have some experience on the subject. Having been in 2 unhealthy marriages with no desire to take the plunge again... I think there may be something to finding someone who will be "safe" and who won't ask too much of you. I have read quite a few books on commitmentphobia and i do believe that it is an actual syndrome. My ex was a textbook case. 44-years old, never married... A true commitmentphobic person has trouble committing to long-term things such as purchases (homes, cars, furniture, etc), not just relationships.

 

After recognizing the relationship for what it was I realized that I needed to get out of it. Being in love with someone who will NEVER go there is different than just being a little scared for the time being.

[nenez]

Hi

I am.

Always have been. i didnt have a problem with it when i was young and i dont have a problem with it now. Whenever i get in a firm relationship i start to find fault with my loved one and usually end up finishing with them.

Seriously though, not everyone is suited to a steady life. i have a good job, my own house, a lovely son ( who is mentally handicapped so its not like i cant offer long term commitment) but i dont want a permanaent man in my life. they get in the way of my life and the way i live. I choose men who are also transient.

I am also a relationship counsellor among many other things. Not everyone wants the same.

If you are a free spirit, embrace that. Live your life to the full. You dont need a man to validate you and nor should you feel you are a failure or in some way inadequate because of it.

With love, as always

nenez xx

[stewmic1]

Nenez... Actually from what I've read about commitmentphobic people... they make wonderful parents. Just a side note.

 

I don't think I need a man to "validate" me. I'm financially secure and independent. However... I would like a partner. I felt like everything was always on HIS terms and I just wasn't willing to be strung along forever.

[nenez]

I never stop looking for Mr right but men always seem to want everything on their terms. Unless you are a tad doormatty which i am not, it lways ends in tears so i tend towrds less committed people who wont get hurt.

I have been in love , several times, just cant do long term relationships. the most i managed was 10 years. After that was 5, 4 1 and then we're into months. (Whoops)

It is mostly me. Most wowmen find most men accepatable. I just cant find one that I respect. Unlike woman who I tend to find delightful pretty much all the time. Sadly i am not inclined sexually towards women!

Never mind

Men are like buses, always another one just around the corner

With love, as always

Nenezxx

[CATLOVER]

THANKYOU for the replies and the points of view, they all have something to offer me.....

Im a bit confused and down....I guess I just need to accept I am how I am...but at the same time I always wanted to have a family......and being a free spirit and wanting a family seem to be worlds apart...unless of course I get the opportunity to do it alone......but thats another story with all its own issues....ho hum

 

THANKYOU

[Luciana]

They make wonderful parents because many CP's are narcisists, and see their children as an extension of themselves. Also, they often are unable to give their partners love because they are unable to separate parental love from romantic love. That is obvious when they use their children to make their partners jealous.

[stewmic1]

Wow! Is that true? Where did you learn this? I only ask because my ex-boyfriend used to do things like take his daughter on out of town trips and stuff, yet he would never do those things with me. I loved his daughter, so I wouldn't let him make me "jealous" but I always felt let down and disappointed that he couldn't or wouldn't give me attention that he seemed obviously capable of giving his daughter.