Why does he do this to me?

[comfortably_nmb21]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. He's never been a touchy feely type guy. I knew this when i got into the relationship with him.. but that's another story..

About a year into our relationship i found out that while i was at work he was downloading porn and jacking off to it.. then when i was in the mood he'd feed me a line about how he wasn't in the mood or how he was tired. I felt totally rejected just well.. not good enough. I told him if i ever found how he did that again, i'd leave him..

well.. about 6 months after that i found out it was happening again(i know because we'd go through "dry spells".. no sex or anything for like 3 weeks at a time) so i left him for a day.. and told him i really truly would leave him the next time.

I recently found out it was happening AGAIN..

now.. i don't have anything against porn.. i dig it actually. I just feel like i'm not enough forhim.. like i dont' satisfy his needs and stuff like that.

ANy guys out there who can give me some insight into why he's doing this? And all you girls out there.. what would you do? Would you leave him?

I'm tired of feeling not good enough in this department, but i love so many things about him i just can't imagine life without him.

[Beec]

Well, the porn really has nothing to do with you being good enough or not. I do know men who prefer self-service over sex. It's not the right answer, we need to have some sex in our relationships, and his self-service is getting in the way. It's just about him getitng his rocks off in the easiest way possible. He can spend ten minutes, little effort and get off.

[Bigbilly]

I dunno. He may feel he isn't having some needs of his met, perhaps not just wanting to have sex, but in the act of sex. What sort of lover are you? I know a lot of girls tend to just lay there and make the guy do most of the work, and that can really make sex a chore after a while, even if you love a girl and are attracted to her.

 

Instead of threatening him, try talking to him about it. It sucks that he isn't saving his sexual energy for you, so maybe find out why. Like I said, perhaps he feels that some of his needs aren't being met? Perhaps it might indicate a deep-seated issue he has with the relationship.

It's a huge turn-off for me when a girl isn't a little aggressive in the bedroom, meaning, like I said, just laying there for the most part.

 

I might recommend this ...

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or this ...

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Now, I know you might be thinking "Taoism? BS! I'm not into that spiritual crap." TRUUUST me ...these Chinese are onto something. Especially when it comes to sex. The books are really for guys, teaching us how to become better lovers. This stuff works. Awesome reads.

 

At the same time, be more assertive when you *do* have sex. Push him down and get a little aggresive with him. Kiss him the way you like to be kissed, not just on the mouth but all over. Let your hands wander. Pull him close and move with him. Bite him (gently), and scratch a little. Make your sex something amazing.

 

Or ...the reason could be something else entirely. I have no idea, I wish I could tell you for certain.

 

And, Beec has a point. Sometimes, a guy is just in the mood and wants a bit of relief. I think every guy, anywhere, does this on occasion. it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, he was just a little horny and you weren't available at that moment. Sex is different for guys; we can become aroused and climax a *lot* quicker and easier than women can, so we tend to masturbate more, especially when we're young. It's only a problem if it becomes excessive, which, in the case of your bf, it sounds like it is. If he's shuckin' it all the time, he's not gonna have anything left for you, and that's not fair.

 

Talk to him about it, not in anger but see if he's maybe got some emotional or physical needs you aren't paying enough attention too. Yes, guys have emotional needs too.

[comfortably_nmb21]

I honestly have no idea what kind of a lover i am. I don't just lay there, but i'm not overly aggressive either. I'm very open to experiments in the bedroom.

 

I've talked to him several times about it and his reasoning is "you weren't here" But you know.. i was a phone call away... i would have watched it with him.. all he had to do was tell me he was horny and i would have been, pardon the pun, all over it.

[Bigbilly]

Alright, that's worrisome. He doesn't seem to be attracted to you, for one reason or the other. And if all he is saying is "You weren't there", that's a big red flag to me. I don't know what's going to have to happen to jolt him out of this apathy, but I think, if you really love him and he loves you, don't do something terrible and drastic.

 

It's good that, at least, he isn't into sex with you because he's getting it from another girl. He sounds apathetic, and that can mean something beyond problems in the bedroom. That could mean issues with him or problems with the relationship.

 

Wish I could tell you more, but at the risk of talking myself into a corner I am gonna wait to see if someone with more of a clue chimes in. I am just trying to imagine what I would be thinking if I were doing what he is doing.

[slayer]

Well i dont know whats up with him, i know i would prefer a girlfriend over myself anyday. All i can guess is that maybe he has urges and jacks off whenever he pleases, so when he sees you his urges might have already been satisfied.

[Boricua7]

Guys sometimes just want to come. Case and point. Jacking off doesn't mean he doesn't want to have sex with you. He just wants to get off without having to concentrate on anyone else but himself. This, however, is a problem if he is doing it excessively (which it sounds like he does in phases). The fact that he does it in phases, to me, means that he's trying. Otherwise he'd be doing it all of the time regardless.

 

It's not fair to you that he doesn't save any sexual energy for you. I don't think this in itself is a reason to leave him. Him making you feel unappreciated and like you're not good enough, however, is. I'd have to agree with Bigbilly, it may be that there are certain desires of his that you haven't met, which is not your fault since he hasn't TOLD you what they are...has he? Or, maybe it's something deeper. You need to talk to him, there's no doubt about that. Like I said before, it's not right to make your partner feel the way he is making you feel. If you love him and he loves you, things will work out if you communicate with eacother.

 

Honestly, this is what I would do: ask him to tell you one of his fantasies and try to recreate it as best you can. That way, you will be incorporated into whatever gets him off and this may also, in turn, make it easier for him to talk if you show him that you want to be open with eachother and that you're willing to do whatever to make things work. Actions speak louder than words.

 

I hope this helps!

[Beec]

If you wanted to address this, you might consider trying to use obsession. Trying to get him to be obsessed, a little, with you. We can create an obsession when we give someone rewards, but do i in a very unpredictable manner. If we don't know when we will get the reward, we will really almsot go nuts trying to do get it. You should not take this very far, but a little is okay.

[BillyJean714]

Okay, if he consistently blows you off like that, I would question the relationship's compatibility. I haven't been in a predicament like that, but if I were to be in your shoes, I would leave.

 

Porn is one thing- I'm sure you're not the type who gets jealous. Good for you, because there really is no need to stress about it. In fact, the person who he should fantasize is you. If you feel sexually desirable, I think that it also attracts your partner. Say, for instance, instead of questioning how he feels, ask yourself how you feel. If you feel as though you have full confidence about yourself, he will come around and try to devour you. Not literally, but you get my point!

 

Sounds like you tried several times to please and analyze him. Turn the tables around a bit. Take charge of yourself. If he's not fulfilling you in that department, take a leap and make a change in your life. Would you rather be with someone who sees you as a sexy mama and can't wait to have you, or would you settle for someone who shows their desire once in a while. The choice is up to you, but I do hope you're happy with whatever decision you chose. Before you leave, let him know once again, how you feel. If he brushes it off, leave- this time for sure. Don't stay in unsatisfying relationships. You deserve the BEST, don't forget that!