Need some help getting over this

[stewmic1]

I was in a relationship with a man for over 2 1/2 years. He is 44 years old and has never been married. I had become painfully aware that the relationship would never go anywhere, but I really had a hard time deciding to end things with him because I loved him so much (still do).

 

In April of this year, I ran into an old friend from high school. He also happened to be my best-friends ex. However, their relationship had ended over 3 years prior, they had each had several relationships since and their entire relationship had only lasted for a couple of months. My best friend had also been very vocal about her desire for me to break up with my commitmentphobic boyfriend.

 

Anyway... this guy started giving me attention that I could only wish my ex would have given me... and I ended up breaking up with him to start dating my old school friend. My ex-best friend was livid! I had actually talked to her about it before I did it, and although she gave me several reasons not to date him, she never said I would be betraying her friendship if I acted on it. She became so mean (saying mean, vindictive and vicious things about me), and we ended up ending the friendship.

 

THEN... I find out her and my ex are now dating. I can't tell you how painful this is! I broke up with him out of self-preservation.... NOT because I didn't love him anymore. And she knew that. This whole thing is a mess... all of our mutual friends have been forced to choose sides. And to top that off... all I can think about is my ex, who I loved more than anyone in my life.

 

Any words of wisdom out there?

[BellaDonna]

Hi stewmic1.

 

I agree that your situation is quite messy.

 

Honestly, I think it is in your best interest to get away from ALL of them and start with a clean slate.

 

I doubt you could feel the same about your 44 year-old ex now that your friend who you're fighting with is dating him. They are likely both trying to get back at you.

 

I don't think you'll benefit from staying in contact with any of them. You need a fresh start away from all of this negativity.

 

 

BellaDonna

[CATLOVER]

Oh bummer....I feel for you...thats a crappy little mess. I know its probably eating you up that they are together but if he couldnt commit to you, he wont to her.....dont regret your decision....you did the right thing for yourself and its turned out all a bit pearshaped.......but maybe them dating is a blessing in disguise to get you right away from the situation and on to new people and places....and honestly I doubt they will be together long...she has obviously just done that to hurt you.

[armchairshrink]

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. You must feel absolutely gutted to lose both your ex and your best friend.

 

Having said that, I feel I have to point something out, and please don't take offense: You broke up with him. In my opinion, once you've left someone, they're as free as you are to date whomever they want. I'm sure your ex didn't feel too swift when you left him for someone else, so it's hard to ask him to consider your feelings in this matter.

 

Now, if he had left you specifically to date your best friend, I'd be pissed at both of them. Friendship is supposed to be worth more than that. And his dating your best friend looks a lot like an attempt at revenge on you.

 

Your best friend was completely out of line for blowing up over your dating her ex. She never told you how it would make her feel. Still, you knew enough to talk to her about it before you started dating him; maybe she expected you to infer that it would hurt her if you did? I suggest that only as an explanation of her behavior, not an excuse. She should have told you.

 

Um, did you tell your best friend that she would be betraying your friendship if she started dating your ex?

 

If you value the rest of your friends, don't be the one who makes them choose sides. That turns a mess into a war zone. She can be the bad guy if she wants, but you need to be better than that. Show your friends that you are considering their feelings as well as your own, and they'll stand by you. Tell them you're sorry things are so awkward right now, and express your hope that it will all blow over soon (as I'm sure you do).

 

Because you don't need to lose all your friends over a relationship that looks like it's temporary. Since you claim to still love your ex so much, how stable can your current relationship be? How much can it really mean to you?

 

And if your ex-best friend knows how you feel about your ex, what's to stop her from telling your current/her ex how you really feel, if she's turned that vindictive?

 

I suggest you get your feelings in order, or you will be forced to start over with a clean slate.

 

I hope this wasn't too harsh, and that it helps.

[stewmic1]

You're right about a lot of what you said. I have not asked him to consider my feelings, I have no right to do that. But it doesn't stop it from hurting, hence the title of my post.

 

I'm not claiming to know that the relationship I'm in now is forever. Was it a way to help me finally make a break from my ex?...yes. We had several breakups prior to this and because I wanted it to work so badly, I always went back. In retrospect, I am embarrassed at how little he had to do to make me come back to the situation.

 

As far as the friends, I have stayed away completely. Most of them were friends with her before me, so I never expected them to side with me. However, A couple of them have told me how awkward it is to be somewhere out with them, when it used to be "us." I think they stay away from me out of sheer awkwardness... not out of meanness. Still... I'm on the losing end of that one.

 

My ex friend ended up telling my ex-boyfriend things that were never meant for him to know. Things you tell your girlfriends when sounding off about your boyfriend. Needless to say, me and my ex don't speak at all. Doesn't make it hurt any less.

 

Look, I don't know what's going to happen with the new b/f. He's a nice guy, we have fun together, and I enjoy spending time with him. That's all I really know for now. BUT, he was completely aware that I was seeing someone when we met. I was completely honest with him about how I felt about my ex, that I loved him dearly, but that I knew he would never commit to me.

 

Probably what hurts the most is that all bridges have been burned, there is nothing left to salvage. It's all so final and it just sucks.