Got dumped again... Feel like dying!

[yo]

Hey all,

 

I hope u guys remember me! I am the guy whose ex g/f of 4 yrs left him for his ex best friend. This was in july this year. After that I've made considerable progress I should say. I have been doing NC for nearly 2 months now and have been really thinking less and less about my Ex. I even bumped into my ex g/f and my ex friend. I controlled my anger and emotions very well. All I wanted to do was to punch the air out of this guy, but I just walked away! I'm really proud about myself.

 

Ok.. coming back to my problem.. I met this really cute gal two weeks back. I got acquainted to her thru a common friend. I was completely smitten by her and the past 2 weeks I've been completely fantasizing abt her. I used to call her up on regular basis and had been emailing and texting her regularly everyday. And she was responding back very well. I called her up and actually asked her out for lunch on saturday. And to my SHOCK, she told me that she has a b/f. He proposed to her like half and hr before and now they both were going around!!!! Can u believe my bad luck!!!!

 

I'm in a state of shock. I never really expected this to happen. I feel all alone and lonely suddenly. I just wish I were dead. For all this while I was feeling happy that finally things were beginning to look better. But, I'm back in my little hole again. DUMPED again. Lonely and loveless again! I can't go thru rejection again and again. Why can't things ever work out? Why am I being punished like this? I just wish I were dead

[chai714]

Yo,

First of all, you weren't dumped this time. She simply had a boyfriend. Unless she was cheating with you (it doesn't sound that way), then you weren't dumped.

 

Take time to fully recover from your previous breakup. You really need to focus on self-improvement right now. Self-improvement involves a series of actions which help increase your self-esteem. Do things that make you feel better about yourself. For example, working out, volunteering at a hospital, tutoring a child, furthering your own education, taking a self-defense class, joining a club or organization that meets regularly - anything. Even join a sports league that interests you. The bottom line - the cumulative effect of participating in activities which make you feel better about yourself will result in you having higher self-esteem. You may feel trapped right now, rejected, or even both. Life does not have to be like this though. Realize that you have a choice to take control, but it all starts with you.

 

Good luck.

[BellaDonna]

Well, you really didn't get "dumped" because she wasn't yours to begin with. She mislead you into thinking she was available, but then the truth came out later. It had nothing to do wiht you personally- just her dishonesty. If she is willing to make the impression that she's available, when she's not- then that's really not the type of woman you'd want to have a relationship anyway, right?

 

I even bumped into my ex g/f and my ex friend. I controlled my anger and emotions very well. All I wanted to do was to punch the air out of this guy, but I just walked away! I'm really proud about myself.

 

You handled that VERY WELL! You should be definitely be proud. You were the bigger person.

 

Mayeb it's too soon to start dating again because you're still healing. While you're in this state, you're likely to take everthing as an insult to you personally. I think it's too soon for you yet.

 

 

BellaDonna

[yo]

Thanks Chai, Belladonna...

 

I know that I didn't get "dumped", technically, as she was not my g/f, but, I'm feeling really bad abt it

 

It's all my fault really... I became overly excited abt it. She was the first gal giving me so much of attention post-breakup, that I got carried away.

I knew she was single (that's what she told me) and so I started to relax and take things slowly, making sure that I didn't screw up anything. Now I wish, if only I had told her abt my feelings a week earlier (I'm really not sure abt her story that she started seeing someone half an hr back!) things could have been different.

 

And to make matters worse, I'm starting to miss my Ex a LOT! The happy days were so good! What I wouldn't do to get back those days!

 

And Chai, I'll definitely try to follow some of ur advice. Maybe I've still not healed yet. How will i know that I've healed and am ready to date?

 

But, sometimes I get really really scared. What if I keep getting rejected and end up being single forever?

[chai714]

How will i know that I've healed and am ready to date?

 

But, sometimes I get really really scared. What if I keep getting rejected and end up being single forever?

 

You'll know once you feel more back to your "old self." Of course, the length of time it takes to get there will vary from person to person. Participating in activities which make you feel good about yourself will make the whole healing process seem to go by faster, because you're preoccupying yourself while improving your self-esteem simulataneously.

 

Your fears are quite normal. Everyone has them. It's normal to fear rejection - and it's healthy too, but up to a point. You won't end up getting rejected and be single forever. (Note: being single forever is not a bad thing, if that is what you choose. I know a few single men well into their 40's and even 60 something who are quite happy with their respective lives). The bottom line: rejection can and will happen to you in more than just relationships. Life has its ups and downs. Being rejected is the opposite of being accepted. It feels bad, but does not make or break you. No single rejection should have such a big impact on your life - the way you live your life is what really affects how you feel about yourself. In short, don't worry too much about your ex or this dishonest female you've recently come accross. All will be fine, as long you continue to know that you are in control of your life and how you feel about yourself.

[yo]

Hey chai,

 

I have a few doubts..

When I came accross this gal, I completely fell for her. I was thinking abt her 24 hrs of the day. I never really thought abt my Ex during this time. I was feeling great that finally I had moved on and was healed completely.

 

So Chai, u mean to say that I'm still not healed? Is it just that instead of thinking abt my Ex I was thinking abt this new gal? Was I trying to fool my heart?

 

So, when I'm completely healed too, rejection will always be rejection right? I'll definitely feel bad abt it even then! How will it be diff then?

 

And also, should I try get the thoughts abt finding a new woman outta my head and wait for things to take their own course? Shouldn't I do anything abt my being single?

[chai714]

So Chai, u mean to say that I'm still not healed? Is it just that instead of thinking abt my Ex I was thinking abt this new gal? Was I trying to fool my heart?

 

So, when I'm completely healed too, rejection will always be rejection right? I'll definitely feel bad abt it even then! How will it be diff then?

 

And also, should I try get the thoughts abt finding a new woman outta my head and wait for things to take their own course? Shouldn't I do anything abt my being single?

 

I can't say whether or not you're healed. You can determine that. You know you better than I know you, so I'm not in the position to say. Can spending your time with another person make you temporarily forget about the pain you experienced with another person? For sure - I see it all the time. Many people will try to mask the pain by replacing person after person after person after person - this is no way to heal. Just be aware of this.

 

Rejection is rejection - it sucks, it makes you feel bad about yourself and there's nothing pleasant about it.

 

If you want to get more dates, you'll need to equip your mind with the proper skills and knowledge. This comes by learning, observing, and practicing. I can recommend you to some resources if you want. But, first things first - it starts with getting your self-esteem back up to where it was before your heartbreak. It takes patience to get through this all, but the payoff is huge after you've healed right and then learned about how people work. Good luck.

[Echo]

Yo!

 

Sorry you're feeling this way..but as everyone else said...you weren't REALLY together, and in the scheme of things, two weeks is NOT really ANY amount of time to invest in anyone. Imagine if had gone on for 2 or 3 months?? She did you a favor! I think her NOT telling you sooner about her b/f was REALLY classless on her part. If she were YOUR g/f, wouldn't you want her to tell some guy she was "emailing/texting" that she was involved with you?

Don't take this rejection as a reflection on YOU....SHE is the wrong party here. I am sure if she told you straight away , you would have walked away no worse off for it, and it would not have bothered you so much.

 

Take some time to just do things for YOU and only YOU. Be selfish for a while.

Right now I am swearing off relationships for a year..even if I meet someone I like I will NOT pursue a relationship. If they think I am worth waiting for they will respect my decision. Period.

It's ME time now...

 

Good luck!

[yo]

Hi Echo,

 

I think i need to do something like u've decided to do. I think I should take care of myself and stop picturing myself in a r/ship sooo soon.

 

I've realized something.. only whe we expect something to happen in a particular way and things turn out completely different, do we feel hopeless and rejected..

 

So, i'll try to stop expecting things.. i'll stop expecting women to get into a r/ship with me. I'll stop expecting women to be nice to me. The next time I see a woman I like, instead of thinking 'Oh! she can be my next g/f and raising false hopes in my head', I'm gonna think 'Ok! she can be my next best friend, a friend and nothing else'. I'm sure I'll be in a win win situation then! And only if I'm sure that she's interested in me and if I have some feelings for her will I make a move.

 

Am i making sense at all? Or am I just ranting?

[Echo]

Hey Yo...

 

 

I think it is wise not to have expectations when you first meet someone. Don't be so soon the imagine yourself in a "relationship" with them.

I agree that when we have these "scenerios" in our heads of how things can work out ..that is when we set ourselves up to fall. If you expect NOTHING then what you get will just be a bonus.

 

The sabbatical I am doing is not for everyone...I just know I will be a better partner for someone if I allow myself time to be by myself and figure out what it is I want, rather than focusing on someone else.

A year is not very long when you think about it....

[yo]

Hi all,

 

Yes usually doing things expecting a particular result, usually leads to misery. If I hadn't expected anything, then I woouldn't have been hurt at all. But, I'd pictured all kinds of things in my head... like asking her out. I'd even thought abt a nice restaurant. I was very sure that she would agree. But, what I got instead was a shocker! I never really expected that. And now that my dreams are all shattered, I'm back to being miserable again. I was feeling sooooo good.. that nice feeling u get when u start talking to someone new.. and now I have this sick feeling in my gut. just when we think things are getting better.. life screws u over! I don't think I'll ever find anyone who'll truly love me ever!

[yo]

Hello people,

 

Things have been just spiralling down and down... I just feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper each day in this dark pit. Just when I feel like things are getting better..they turn for the worse.

 

I don't know how much more crap I can take and how long to take anymore. Yesterday I got rejected by this gal. I was heartbroken and shattered after that. And today, a friend of mine told me that my ex best friend i.e. my ex g/f's current b/f has joined my company...

 

Why is nothing going right? Why are things getting worse and worse day by day?

 

Will I ever be happy again. Will I ever find true love again. I have no hopes for the future.

[L8RISER]

You'll find true love again, but now ain't the time to go looking for it. 3-4 months since a break up is not a long time for a four year relationship. I know your feeling very lonely, but you're not going to be able to find a replacement for your ex this soon after a break up (though really you shouldn't ever be looking for a "replacement"). If you get involved with someone right now one of two things will happen: 1) You get dumped or rejected somehow, and feel crushed (again!), or the new person won't live up to the standard of the ex, and you'll feel like you'll never find anyone that good again. Either way you lose.

 

Like everyone here says, right now is all about you. I'm not saying don't date or have sexual encounters, but keep things casual. For me personally, having sexual contact with new people after a break up actually helps me move on. Good for the ego, and lets you know that there is a life after. But you can't go looking for a relationship now.

 

Your going to have good days and bad ones. Just because you have a bad day or even week, don't let that fool you into thinking that you're regressing. It's all part of healing. It's like a long term stock market investment: from week to week the stock might go up and down, but over the entire year, it's a steady and gradual upward climb. Don't cash in your stock just because last week it didn't do so well. You might be missing out on the big haul which has yet to come.

[yo]

Hi L8RISER,

 

The lonliness is KILLING me... I really don't know how to get over that. I'm really trying hard, I really am. Trying to make new friends, joining new clubs etc.. But, deep down I feel all alone and miserable.

 

I was really happy for the last 2-3 weeks when this girl(who lead me on very well) was giving me all the attention and was flirting etc.. I really liked it and thought I could start dating her! But, I was really shocked when I came to know abt her b/f!

 

BTW, can i continue talking and maybe a bit of flirting with this girl (who lead me, not my EX).. just as a friend OR is it better to completely get her out of my life and try to met other ppl?

 

Thanks in advance.

[L8RISER]

Well, I think the thing is to not focus on one person. Talk to lots of people, flirt with lots of people, and if the opportunity arises, date some. But I don't think you should necessarily be pursuing someone. If something comes your way, then cool. But let's face it, rejection is the more likely outcome when you're single. Fine when you're comfortably single and generally happy with life, but much too hard to deal with when you recently broke up from LTR. Don't risk being rejected until you can really handle it.

[chai714]

Yo,

The process of healing does not come in a package or specific recipe. Time will play a major part in the healing process. The other half of healing involves how you spend your time and specifically what you do. Doing things that 1) occupy your time 2) require concentration and 3) make you feel good about yourself will help you lots. In fact, I can't think of any other three things to do with your time that would make you heal any better/faster. Take your time, and heal right. You've seen when players go out on the field who aren't healed 100% - they re-injure themselves and suffer more drawbacks than if they would have healed correctly and THEN went back on the field.

[yo]

Hi everyone,

 

I been talking to my friends and cousins and told them abt my story and everyone kept telling me that 'I'm getting very desperate' to find a new g/f!!! Is this normal or is there something wrong with me?

 

It's not that I want a girl to sleep with anything like that.. I just need some companion.. I've been feeling sooo lonely these days! And I terribly miss that nice feeling I used to have when I was with my Ex! And also there's a bit of this competition thing going I guess, that my Ex already has a new b/f and I look like a LOSER being single.

 

But, even I'm beginning to realize that I'm trying toooo hard. Any girl who gives me the slightest attention, I keep imagining her as my potential g/f and when that dream shatters, I feel miserable, rejected, alone and lonely!!!

 

I have this constant paranoia that I'll be single forever and I'll be loveless and unhappy all the time. And that is driving me in trying too hard to find a girl and getting rejected!

 

Any advice guys?

[L8RISER]

If anyone looks like a LOSER, it's your ex gf and ex buddy. I wouldn't have a lot of respect for someone who could so effortlessly move from one relationship to another, or for a "friend" who would stab you in the back like that. They sound like a couple of a** *****. They deserve each other. Guaranteed those two will eventually be very unhappy together - good!

 

Remove them from your life completely. Forget about them. Think about the future. Develop yourself and build your life. That's the best way to attract people.

 

YOU'RE 23! You have your whole life ahead of you. I guess you started dating your ex around 19. You haven't had a chance to be a single adult. Think of this as an opportunity. I mean if you had stayed together with your ex, wouldn't you have always been curious about what sort of experiences and opportunities you lost out on? Now's your chance. Be single, sow your "wild oats" Your next relationship will be better as a result.