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[coooolsome]

Rickster

 

Why do you do this to yourself. You say you feel fine but you are just in denial. Read some of the posts in this forum and see how many people get their exs back. I would say that 95% of them moved on. They stopped chasing. You are letting her have her cake and eat it too. Why be there for her when she isnt there for you. She has a new toy and is keeping the old one around in case the new one isnt as great. She doesnt have to make a decision b/c you are available.

 

Also, with you being so available like a little puppy dog she is going to see you as less and less attractive. You are trying to grab any scraps you get and its pathetic in her eyes. Im not trying to be mean but look at it from her point of view. Why should she have to choose when you are willing to be there for her and be her little servant.

 

Also, are you not good enought to receive a phone call? She has to text you b/c you are not worthy of a phone call. Let it go. You are setting yourself up for another heartbreak. I agree that if she calls, then answer. But be short. Dont give her specifics and talk more about her than you. Ask her how is everything, how is work, how is school. Then say you have to be somewhere. Dont tell her where, and if she asks, then a friends house or something.

 

Yes I agree being friends will help you get her back but what kind of friends do you want to be. I prefer to think that the ones that stay in contact every once in a while and live their own life have a better chance than the ones who become the "best friend". Why should she become your GF when you are her best friend and you will always be there for her?

[coooolsome]

AC874

 

Dont try and think about it to much. She has not moved on and she is just setting herself up for an emotional breakdown if she thinks she has. Yes it seems they have moved on b/c they have had a lot more time to think about the breakup. She was probably thinking about it a couple of months before it happened. If that is the case then you need to move on b/c her mind is made up for now. If you love her, let her go. You will be ok.

 

You were emotionally dependent. Well want to know the best way to show her you have changed? STAY AWAY. If you are not dependent on someone then you dont need them. Yes its a lot harder for us right now but you have to do it. Oh and trust me, she will test you on it too. If she calls, dont answer right away. If you do talk, tell her you are busy and only talk for like 5 min. Dependent and clingy people are not attractive. Independent, fun, confident people are.

 

Yes you have pushed her away but not to the point where she will not forgive you. If you start stalking her then yeah your screwed. If she is a caring person, she will forgive you. She has to be cold to you b/c this is what she wants and she wants you to move on.

[AC874]

So coolsome.

 

Do you think at some point she is going to try to contact me... for small talk or whatever it may be?

 

I know exactly when this whole downward spiral started, on Sept 27. I did the unfortunate thing of reading her diary, just because I noticed totally abnormal behavior... something in me knew there was something more to this.

 

Our break-up was Oct 17. The night before, she told me she loved me twice, and we fooled around quite sensually.

 

I just dont know how to move on... especially when this person becomes a HUGE part of your growing up years (17-22)

 

This sucks

[coooolsome]

If she cared about you she will get in touch with you at some time. Did she find out you read her diary? That is a huge issue and may take some time for her to get over. You invaded her privacy. If she ever brings it up, dont defend yourself. You made a mistake and you are sorry for it. Maybe if you want after a month or 2 of NC you can contact her and catch up. Make sure the convo has nothing to do with the relationship and then leave it at that. Let her make the next move. This shows that you still care and she is important to you but not so important that you come off as needy. Dont call her again after that call.

[AC874]

No she doesnt know.

 

I dont intend on telling her either. But I know the truth... of what shes looking for.

 

No deception.. just 100% wants somebody more confident, and more confident in their relantionship with god... im 50% of the way there.

[coooolsome]

Then move on. A person who doesnt need someone displays confidence. Learn from your mistakes. It can only help you in the long run.

[selfi]

coooolsome, i really liked ur post directed at Rickster. some of ur points got me thinking;

 

Read some of the posts in this forum and see how many people get their exs back. I would say that 95% of them moved on. They stopped chasing.

 

Are you saying here that ANY form of chasing, even subtle, is useless?

 

also;

 

 

I prefer to think that the ones that stay in contact every once in a while and live their own life have a better chance than the ones who become the "best friend".

 

this is exactly what i have been throwing out to my ex since the breakup; that i am his best friend, and will be there for him no matter what. my situation is different from Ricksters as he hasnt treated me at all poorly- he does call me, buys me presents etc.. but does it apply to everyone? are you saying that being the best friend has lower chances of getting back, because they are just equally emotionally available?

[Rickster]

ah coolsome, this is where i strongly disagree with you.

 

first of all i believe if theres a will theres a way. and of course i feel like im going about it the right way. im not pestering, pleading, begging and crying and all sorts over this. if you're strong enough mentally, i believe its more possible. and im very strong.

 

then i believe im not in denial. what exactly am i denying? im not denying that she dosn't love me or she doesn't have part of her heart still on me. im not denying that she hasn't moved on, i dont feel bad because of her bf. i said i get lonely and i love her and miss her. im not denying that. i know she has moved on, thats just the way it is.

 

then, i dont just be there for her. i dont jump on her lap waiting for her to pet me. there were some text that i didn't reply for a long time. and after the day passed i text her out of respect. my respect meaning, as friends. i feel im at this point where she can trust me a little. so i feel we are friends not very close ones. so i respect people's time to text me and i return that respect to people, then friends won't think im snobbish and arrogant. remember ive gone through NC already, so i feel ive had enough.

 

"Why should she become your GF when you are her best friend and you will always be there for her?" this i think is very incorrect. friend's are always there for one another, anytime, anyday. i believe relationships comes from being close friends, being there for one another, helping each other when you need someone. if you were just acqaintances you won't be there for her. and if you aren't there for her why would she think you are any better to be with in a relationship? what have you done that would make her feel that she wants to be in a relationship with you? so i think its very intrue.

 

yes im not good enough to receive a phone call, yes i may pick up the scraps she left behind, do i think anything about it? no! you are thinking about it in a relationship point of view; in a view that im still with her. but no, i know the fact that im not. why should i be good enough for anything at the moment? im not with her. have you thought that now she has a bf, and of course she's going to treat him much nicer that anyone else, and of course ill get the scraps. and just thinking of what i put her through after the break-up, ill obviously get the falling crumbs. i don't think how much things i should be getting from her, im grateful for what i have, im just a friend; in a friend's mind you'll never be thinking about what you get from her or what you don't get from her.

 

i very much live my own life. i dont call her frequently. like once or twice every week. for about 5 to 10 minutes nothing more. i act aloof. what you said is untrue, i don't believe it, that's just my opinion.

[coooolsome]

Selfi

 

So it depends on what you mean by chasing. If you are calling everyday trying to get them to reconsider or begging or just not respecting their wishes then yes that is bad.

 

If you are talking about calling them every once in a while, going out sometimes then that is ok. Remember, moderation.

 

I dont think subtle chasing is useless. Sometimes that is what is needed to remind the other person of what kind of person you are. But the key is the word subtle. You need to chase but live your own life also. Also, the person that is being chased has to do some chasing on their own also. Remember relationships are not one sided and niether is the chase.

[PlayBrat]

I just started talking to my ex again....and it was quite a while before he gave in and was willing to talk again. I think giving someone LOTS and LOTS of space initially after a breakup is essential. This is that phase when we are feeling our rawest emotions. Talking will only do more harm than good. After an initial period of NO Contact..INTERMITTENT contact...as a FRIEND is necessary to gain back that trust and comfort level with contact again. You broke up..your relationship is NO longer the same, so you HAVE to learn to communicate on a much different level again.

 

I admire Ricks standpoint with his ex..because he seems to have HER best interest at heart..and isn't that what love is all about?? The OTHER persons best interest? Think about it..if Rick started hounding his ex about what she isn't giving HIM...she would shut him off like a switch.

He is also right in saying he is NO longer with her...so he is NOT her first priority. Rick sounds like he has the slow but sure strategy....and I don't think his approach is that of receiving "crumbs". He is just not allowing his emotions take over and start demanding things on his terms.

 

Remember the old story about the race between the tortoise and the rabbit? Who won?? There is some merit in not rushing things.

[coooolsome]

Rickster

 

If that is what you want then that is the route you should go. My point is that if you are always there for her then why does she ever have to choose. She never has it in her mind that she may lose you. She never has to make a decision. I have decided to go the friend route too but I am not going to be there for her. I am going to still talk to her but not hang out with her and her friends.

 

You say "why should i be good enough for anything at the moment?" Why do you think you are not good enough for anything? You are. Never think down about yourself b/c someone rejected you. She is not good enough for anything from you. You are better than that.

 

You call her once or twice a week. Why not change that and move it to once ever 2 weeks. I have friends that I talk to every couple of weeks and they never hurt me. She hurt you and you still call her twice a week. Im not saying dont b/c im in the same boat you are in. I dont really want to lose my ex for good. But I dont need to talk to her every week anymore. I dont need her in my life, I choose to have her in my life b/c she understands me and cares about me. Im not even sure how long it will last if I dont get what I want out of the friendship.

 

So do what you think is right. I am an outside observer giving you my opinion. If you feel you can handle being friends then go for it. But if you want her back then it might not be the best route for you to go to be best friends.

[coooolsome]

Playbrat

 

I agree that you shouldnt rush things, but he says he doesnt deserve anything from her. He doesnt deserve to be cared for, to be loved. Does he deserve to be hurt? If he is doing this to get her back then I really think that he will get hurt in the long run if things dont work out. Im not saying dont talk, but let her live her life without you in it. If her and her bf get in a fight and she comes to him asking for advice what is he going to say?

 

Yes I think that you need communication after a period of NC if you want a better chance but not all the time. There has to be some mystery. Why does she have to think about you when you are always there. She doesnt have to miss you.

 

The whole premise is that they will come back if they want to. Why do they have to make a decision on what they want if they still have you in the picture all the time. She doesnt have to fear losing you yet. When they start wondering what you are doing, with who, where, they start missing you. When they start missing you, they start thinking. When they start thinking they realize "oh my god, i may lose this person who was so great"

 

Rebuilding communication and trust is a slow process that needs to occur. Just do it in moderation. To much communication = the dont miss you. No communication = They may forget you. You need a healthy middle.

 

Oh and you say he has HER best interests in mind. What about his? As I have said I have read a lot of the posts in this forum dating back to 2003 and I have seen lots of people get hurt. I just offer my advice. I dont want to see him get hurt. I want him to think that he is better than this. But as long as he is ok with the situation and it doesnt hurt him then I say Go for it.

[PlayBrat]

I completely understand Cool.....and you make some very valid points.

I agree that Rick shouldn't talk to his ex AS often. I would cut it back...to even once every few weeks, rather than every week. I still agree with his strategy though..he is earning her trust back...by remaining in the background. He isn't forcing himself on her..and from what he says...the contact IS mutual.

 

We ALL have ways we deal with things...and I got a lot of flack for contacting my ex...simply because I told my ex I was dating someone else. There were a few comments about how he would just see it as a "ploy" or not even really care....this type of judgement really bothers me. I would never force MY opinion down someones throat simply because it's not what I agree with. Every situation is different...and some people react to things differently. There is NO blueprint or patent on No Contact..there have not been No Contact experiments on Lab Rats saying THIS IS THE WAY TO DO THINGS!! Initially ..YES No Contact is by far the best thing ..but after the dust settles, anything is possible. Live and let live.....

[coooolsome]

Playbrat

 

I agree with you completely. NC is great b/c it allows you to get over the initial emotions of the breakup. NC is great if you want to get over someone and move on. And every situation is different. I think it depends on what type of person the dumper is. I think that if you want to move on but want to keep the door open for future possibilities then use limited contact after an initial NC period.

 

Its really a 50/50 thing about NC. It may not get them back but it will help you move on or it may cause the dumper to come back. Who knows what the future holds.

[Rickster]

coolsome, please dont take this as an argument. i hate to argue about relationships, its just very personal. but please do state your points i may be looking from a different point of view and may have not seen other things.

 

maybe my phrase "im not good enough for anything" was too strong. but what i meant was, from her, why should i be good enough to get all the nice stuff from her? especially at this moment. im nothing more than a friend. do i deserve to be treated like a bf while im just her friend? no. in that case if she sees any boy then she can treat them like her bf. then in that case what difference is her bf from her friends?

 

actually to this date i havent called her for 1 week and 2 days. ive not seen her for 3 weeks or more. i dont plan to call her until friday. i dont have some pinned up schedule that lists the days i must call her. i just go by the feeling.

 

i feel i still need more trust from her. i feel if you want your ex back the first thing to do is win her trust. at first, she'll be reluctant to give you any, its just by talking differently, showing you are different. show yourself to your ex who you really are, not when you are depressed. and thats currently what im trying to do. regain her trust. i call her to show to her that im who im. and i dont expect a call back from her. i find that expecting something back from your ex is going to hurt you when you dont get want you want. and not only that you are trying to force her to give you want you want. when you start demanding things you're only pushing your ex away. and thats why i say im not good enough for anything.

[coooolsome]

Rickster

 

You have valid points. I agree with you on regaining her trust. I think that after all the actions that a person does like begging and crying after the breakup makes the dumper not want to talk to us. They have to see the new us. I am going to follow your example b/c I know its the right thing to do. I am not the type of person who will not talk to my ex just b/c she dumped me. I spent 4 years with her and to tell you the truth, I am kinda glad she dumped me. It opened my eyes. I have issues, probably not the major cause of the breakup but things if I fix then it will make me a better person.

 

I do believe that you need to talk but every couple of weeks. Once you have done that for a couple of months, its time to step back and let them contact you. As I said, even friendship is a two way street. They should call you also and if they dont then oh well. We tried. If they truly care about us they will call.

[OCD]

Hi guys,

Cooolsome, as you know I'm at that stage in the game where my ex has been doing all of the contacting...that's pretty much my question, do I contact her at all?? A lot of folks here said "No, keep NC and keep letting her contact you" It's been 10 weeks, argh!!! Since she's been the one to intitialize all of the contact isn't that going to push her away if I never call her at all?? I'm confused now in my situation because she calls, but wants to find out everything about me...She called last Friday, but I had to run, I had dinner plans but told her that I'd call her back. She was so curious about what I was up to and I only gave her small details to get her to think. I didn't want to make her jealous, but just think. Everyone accross the board said "NO don't call her, she made you wait for calls, make her wait for once and then go have fun" I wrote a long, nice letter that I planned on sending her, but haven't sent it even though I do believe she'd appreciate it. She liked my thoughts on paper...So I have a date this Sat, it should be fun so I'm pretty excited about that...I'm on this forum to find a way to get her back and also heal. But most of the advice seems to get me to heal...but she calls though every week or so...what does that mean that she's calling all of the time?? If we were to work it out I need to be part of the reconciliation or at least make some of the effort right...She's giving me mixed signals though?? What do you guys think? Thanks.

[coooolsome]

OCD

 

Well I really dont know what she may be thinking. You know her better than any of us do. Is she the type that finds it hard to admit her mistakes? She may also be doing it b/c she misses you and wants to make sure you are still there for her in case things dont work out. Dont send her the letter. Call her if you feel that is the right thing to do but keep it short and dont talk about much. Dont tell her you went on a date. How would it make you feel if she told you?

 

She may think that she is losing her grasp on you and is trying to hold on. She is probably still confused so dont let her get power over you again. truly its best if you move on. You have a date with someone. Thats awesome to hear.

 

If you really want to get back together with her, you will need communication. You dont need to talk about "us" topics but just talk. Unfortunately im not a mind reader, but I wish it was. Oh, if she calls and you say you are busy, never say you will call her back. Who knows if she is sitting by the phone wondering what is going on. To me, it seems that you should call just so you stop the "wondering". Then let her continue to call you.

[xenakis]

Hi guys and gals,

 

Nice points Rickster. For some reason my ex-girlfriend turn really cold on me and then I had to break up with her (although she pretty much left me no choice, she just didn't want to say it). For the nexts two months, we had problems communicating but I still texted and called her once in awhile. Now, she is starting to open up and be her old self again. Very slowly. At this point though, I don't think I want her back. I have a new girl and she has a new boyfriend and I am happy for her. I understand now we wern't meant for each other and I would simply like to remain friends because we have common interests and I believe we could have a great friendship. But, yes you have to work on it.

 

You need to let go of your ego completely and be in a ''I don't care frame of mind''. Only then will she open up. Even though she wasn't replying much at first I kept trying because she wasn't completely blowing me off. There was still a small crack in the door.

 

Good luck to all,

xenakis

[OCD]

OCD

Well I really dont know what she may be thinking. You know her better than any of us do. Is she the type that finds it hard to admit her mistakes? She may also be doing it b/c she misses you and wants to make sure you are still there for her in case things dont work out. quote]

 

Thanks coooolsome, Yes she is for sure the type of person that finds it hard to admit her mistakes...that's her biggest flaw. That's why my situation is so hard to deal with because I'm not sure how to go about it? I do feel though, that she does need to at least say she misses me and not even admit a mistake has been made, but to just openly talk about it. That's probably the hardest part for her. And that is of course if she does want to start slowly back into the water. As far as I know she's not seeing anyone at the moment, she did mention that she's gone out a couple of times, but nothing serious. I said the same thing. She called me late on a Friday night last week so she isn't really going out all that much from what I understand...So perhaps you're right about her just keeping tabs on me in case she does want to turn things around. I almost called her last night, but didn't. I had a couple drinks with coworkers and felt that I'd be a gusher, bad idea!! So, hopefully she'll call me again this weekend?? This all really sucks because she is giving me mixed signals and I even mentioned that to her last week, but she still wanted to talk to me. I don't know at this pointe, but I still miss her...I wonder if she misses me at all???

[OCD]

Thanks NotMyself...I know, isn't that crazy how emotional you get, or at least I get, after a few pops Man, I told myself "you must be crazy to pick up that phone right now...no way!!" I think it was coooolsome that mentioned that it would be cool to call, but just casually though. I still feel hesitation to call her at all though, so I don't for now...the one time I did call her, which was about 2 weeks ago now, it went extremley well. She opened up completley to me about how sorry she was, blah blah...then she called me last Friday. I told her that I'd call back, but never did after some advice from close friends. They said to not just break and give her all of you attention just like that! Let her realize what I've been going through at least once...so I didn't call her. But now I want her to call me again, I do like talking to her, but I guess I'm afraid now of getting hurt all over again. So you're right about being patient, that's my only tool right now, PATIENTS...

[selfi]

God, im feeling so weak. I just want to call him right now. didnt expect to feel this 'dip' tonight especially after ive been doing NC.

Argh. I dont know what to do, why progress is working against me? this is so stupid. i think ill try to keep myself busy, so i dont go crazy

[OCD]

I hear you selfi...hang in there. I know how tuff it can be, I'm going through it all myself...I get those urges all of the time to call her, email her, text her, send a letter, all of those things I shouldn't do, so I don't. It's been 10 weeks for me since the breakup and it's gotten a little better over time...my ex actually calls me every week or so, but it's so hard to not talk to her like she's with me...I just keep it friendly hoping that she'll miss me and remember all of those great times we had together over 2 years...All I can tell you is keep yourself busy, workout helps, work, friends, family, etc...oh and also enotalone...without this place I'd be a reck! I just come on here to vent then I get a little encouragement from the folks here, then life is good. At least for a day, then I'm back on here venting again till it gets out of my system...love hurts like heck doesn't it?! Good luck to us both that our ex's come back around

[coooolsome]

Selfi, when you get those urges to call or email or im, think about me. Why? Because I got all those urges. Not everyday but once a week I would feel the need to call. Well Ill tell you what happened. The first month I did nothing but push her away. The 2nd month I was able to talk to her like a normal person but she never called me, she did miss me, but I called once a week so she had no need to miss me anymore.

 

Then I go see her while im drunk and talk to her normally but still made a fool of myself.

 

The first week it went from there is a chance to I dont think so anymore. Now its, you will always love some people but some people shouldnt be together. Dont get to my point where I have to do NC just so I dont screw up anymore. Whats worse, giving into those urges and making the situation worse, or letting time heal you and letting your ex do the contacting. Ask OCD, he probably feels great that she is the one calling now.

[OCD]

Thanks coooolsome, I actually do feel better that she calls, but I just wish it was more often or course I am glad that I started NC when I did, I'm sure I would have said and done some stupid things early on...The thing is I'm still guessing why she is calling me and what are her ententions?? It's like she's really curious what I've been up to and when I do talk to her I just give her little bits of info, which drives her crazy. She's the type of person that needs to know all of the info about something. So perhaps that's why she keeps calling back, to find out a little more each time. She doesn't really say too much about herself...she did open up a little more last Friday when she called...so I still love her and was going to spend the rest of my life with her, but now I'm here. So when she calls I'll take it and if there is a chance I'll ruin it by calling her, then I don't. I only called about 2 weeks ago and she opened up completley to me, it was great, but I figured I got lucky? I'm afraid to call because I don't want to ruin any chance I may have with her again. For now I just do my thing and when/if she calls it's a great day...I wonder if she's thinking about me today? I've been thinking about her, that's for sure. I have a date tonight and it should be really cool, so I'm staying busy and moving forward to build confidence so when my ex calls I'm not a bumbling fool...I miss my ex just like everyone here, but I don't want to do anything stupid to ruin any chance I may have...thanks.