Is there nothing left to say?

[alphonsefa]

I dated a woman who had been in a 6 year abusive relationship. The guy really did a job on her mental well being. She's done the counseling thing numerous times and it's done absolutely nothing for her. During our time together, she twice left to go back to that realtionship. The second time she left was pretty much it for us. She called once to ask how I was doing. We haven't been together for 7 months. I found out from someone who had seen her that she was back with the abusive boyfriend again, which I found stunning. The things he has done to her and her family are just unbelievable! I'm thinking, "go back to your ex-husband, go back to another old boyfriend, or find someone new. Why go back to a fat, abusive, loser, with a dead end job?

 

I had to get an item back from her so I stopped by the mall where she works and happened to catch her going to her car. I asked her to ship it to me and that I would pay the shipping charges; she said she'd take care of it. As she stood there I asked, "are you back with him"? She put her head down and headed towards her car. Again I said, "are you back with Bill"? She opened the car door and I just said, "unbelievable", and drove away.

 

I really thought eventually she would figure it all out, that the dritball she was with is going to ruin the rest of her life. I've never asked her back, the two times she came back she came on her own. Her silent reaction to my innocent question surprised me, almost like she was humiliated and didn't know what to say. She could've said, "it's none of your business", but instead she shut down.

 

I will send her payment for the shipment once I receive it, and I was thinking of adding a letter in there with it. Is there anything I can say to her, that will cut through the dark place she is in? Is there anyway I can get through to her, that there is so much more out there than the hell she is settling for. I want to tell her I want her back, but am afraid she'll just throw it back in my face. Is there any words that will have an effect on a woman that's been through such an abusive relationship, at least to just make her think?

[BellaDonna]

It's all about self-esteem and realizing she is better off without him. Sadly he's brainwashed her to think she needs him in her life.

 

I hate to say it, but there is really nothing you can do now. The most you could do is offer resources such as hotlines, shelters, etc in case he attacks her again (which he likely will). If you want to keep the door open to her as a friend and let her know she can call you when she's in danger, that's another option- but that gets you very involved. I'm not sure if that is good for you emotionally.

 

Be careful about sending her a letter- it might cause him to abuse her if he finds out.

 

 

BellaDonna

[darkblue]

You were used as a rebound.

She secretly enjoys the thrills of life on the edge and thinks she loves him.

 

She is no longer your concern and won't listen to what you have to say.

You are an ex. That's all you are.

She'll be thinking you are just trying to stop her from 'happiness', although she knows she's with the wrong man.

 

There is, unfortunately, nothing you can do.

 

Prioritise yourself, and your own wellbeing over her.

 

Don't have any communication with her, whatsoever.

When you are over her - and if she contacts you first - then you can be friends and try and help her out.

 

Right now there's nothing you can do.

I've been here.

 

This site will tell you what she's thinking and what you can do once you are in the 'friends' stage.

 

link removed

 

It's like a sort of 'stolkhom syndrome'

 

Take care of yourself

[Mrs please dont]

I will say OVER AND OVER - women who have been abused are not right in the head - and I am one of them. I am truly sorry for you that this woman has returned to the only form of love ? she knows ABUSIVE LOVE - the feelings with abusers run so deep that when they are in a good mood they love so well that no man could compete - the abusers are emotional wrecks themselves when you really get to know them [ either coming from broken homes or having suffered at the hands of an abuser themselves and women can relate to these feelings [ being as we are emotional beings ourselves ] and our natural instinct is to nuture so we women return to abusive partners because WE KNOW THEM BETTER THAN ANYONE and we are also aware that without the lows there would be no highs - we are addicted to the highs of the abusers loving / charms and know we have to experience the lows as well. To be in any other sort of relationship would be experiencing NULL / VOID / EMPTINESS - we have become so dependant upon our partners moods that we are like children who are aware that they need their mother to survive and are so keen to impress her. I am not saying all women think like me but I am trying to explain it from my side; I know that feeling of being embaressed because of who I am with - when someone mentions to me about my ' situation ' I become uneasy as I look STUPID in the eyes of other people for staying with my husband. I can say this with a strong heart though - I KNOW THAT EACH DAY I SPEND WITH HIM makes me stronger because I find more fault with him. The more faults, the more aware until eventually I will detest him so much that there will be nothing left.

The woman who has left you has not left you because she dosn't want you - she has left you probably so you do not get involved in something dangerous. Admire this woman for returning to her husband and gain her trust, let her know that she can talk to you ANYTIME and you will not DROP HER IN IT ... we who have been abused find it so hard to TRUST; remember the one person we thought would not hurt us and would protect us is the very one who has - we feel the same as a child would whose mother has betrayed it or not suppiled nuturance and support.

In the meantime don't try and save her - it won't work. She has to leave when it is right for her. She dosn't want to cause a scene, she just wants to quietly slip out the backdoor and forget that she ever met the abuser. But she is so afraid running on adrenalin and she has it all worked out in her head and then .... she is scared to leave - to break away from her routine. Then his voice comes back ' no one will ever want you ' and ' no one will ever love you with such intensity and passion as I have ' she contemplates for a while and thinks he is right or fears he may be right and she returns home - if she is lucky he will not have even realised she was going to leave and she returns long faced knowing she has failed in her attempt and seeks out the only comfort she is allowed - him the abuser. I, speaking from experience, know the damage my husband has caused me over the years, and I have spoken to enough other women [ the silent ones ] to know we have been brain washed into behaving a certain ways and we do recognise the ways in which we react have been written about, we have researched also.

 

Does anyone agree that the law needs to be changed : women who have been abused have wasted so much police money by retracting statements and the suchlike and its time that someone stood up and said ' these women need immediate removal from any contact with the abusers ' and the abusers should be sent to court the following day - done and dusted - not allowing anyone to get at the victim . Women are being killed daily in cases of domestic violence - should this not be the same as attempted murder - because that is what the abusers are doing murdering hopes , dreams, spirit and body.

 

Let this woman know you can be relied on ANYTIME - part saying you know how difficult it must be for her. Give her a break she gets abuse 24 / 7 [ nervous disorders etc : ] let her go peacefully. Ask her to remember your number off by heart and tell her to reverse the charges if necerssary. I hope that she and you remain good friends; and she has got one in you , as you bothered to come on here and chat to us. One day she'll call and she'll sound like a different woman and you know what shell probably have left him.

[BellaDonna]

Does anyone agree that the law needs to be changed : women who have been abused have wasted so much police money by retracting statements and the suchlike and its time that someone stood up and said ' these women need immediate removal from any contact with the abusers ' and the abusers should be sent to court the following day - done and dusted - not allowing anyone to get at the victim

 

I agree that there needs to be more done to help victims of abuse whether female (which is most often) or male. I'm not sure if it's the law that needs to be changed or the response to the initial complaint. I think there needs to be better crisis intervention. For instance- get the victims out of there and somewhere safe immediately. Keep an officer assigned to the victims to ensure their safety at all times (even if it means the officer must spend the night patrolling the front of her home, accompanying her to the store, etc) until the abuser is either behind bars or the victim or abuser moves away.

 

BellaDonna

[Mrs please dont]

Thank you Bell Donna - I SERIOUSLY AGREE WITH THAT STATEMENT. Yes it would be a very good idea to have a ' companion ' of legal sorts with you. I found myself with one policemen after another and kept having to relive the tale each time a new one came on the scene.

Very demoralising.

[Dateagain]

She is embarrassed. It is very isolating. And she KNOWS you KNOW what a big mistake she's making.

 

You can't make someone worthy of good love if they don't believe they are worthy of good love.

[alphonsefa]

Let this woman know you can be relied on ANYTIME - part saying you know how difficult it must be for her. Give her a break she gets abuse 24 / 7 [ nervous disorders etc : ] let her go peacefully. Ask her to remember your number off by heart and tell her to reverse the charges if necerssary. I hope that she and you remain good friends; and she has got one in you , as you bothered to come on here and chat to us. One day she'll call and she'll sound like a different woman and you know what shell probably have left him.

 

When we were together, I never had any problems listening to the stories she would tell me about him. I thought it was doing her good to get it all out, and she in fact mentioned that I knew her better, and helped her more, than any counselor she had ever talked to. When all I really ever did was try to show her the good in all the negatives she had seen. My fear of keeping communications open, as you've written above is, do I wind up getting perceived as a doormat for her? Someone she can run to and get her ego boosted, the next time he tears it down. What things do I say to her to walk that delicate line. I agree, I don't want to beat her up emotionally, any more than she's already beat up; yet like I said, I don't want to be a doormat for her either. I don't want to crowd her, and haven't, we've almost had no contact in the 7 months we've been apart. But I do want to get the point accross that says, "hey, you're messing up, but don't be embarrased or feel funny about calling me, when it all blows up again, I'm here for you". I'm not even sure where to start, which words will convey strength, support, and trust to her. Like one of the above posters said, "I think she is afraid to involve me anymore than I am". I'm not concerned for my physical well being, and she knows full well that I have no fear of him or what he would do. He's a paper tiger. He has her, and only her, intimidated. And like a typical abuser, he's cut her off from her family, and she has absolutely no friends. During one of the breakups she actually called me and admitted that to me, "that she has nothing to look forward to, and that she has no one to talk to". She started that phone conversation off with, "I just wanted to hear your voice". He has her intimidated, but when push came to shove, and 2 of her brothers found out that she was being abused by him, they drug him out of the house and put him in the hospital. The big tough guy, never threw a punch at them!

 

When I had seen her after the last breakup, she told me about the outcome of the lawsuit. The abusive boyfriend sued her 2 brothers and won $8,000 over the incident. She also made it a point to tell me that she called him up and screamed at him because he had sepinaed (sp?) her mother during the court case. It was like she wanted to let me know that she stood up to him. Why she volunteered to tell me that info, I don't know. And I left that conversation thinking that, well maybe the one thing I have done for her through our relationship, was to break that cycle of dependence she has on him. But after hearing that she was back with him, I guess I was wrong.

 

To all, thank you for your responses so far. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through and emotionally it really rips at you. Had she gone back to her Ex-husband, who is a nice guy, or one of her previous boyfriends (none of which abused her), or found someone new, I could understand it all. But the abusive Ex-boyfriend she keeps returning to is an absolute loser, in every aspect of life. It actually shook me to my core, to be passed over for someone who has been so damaging to her, with so little in life to offer. Those around me, like many here, have said, let her go and cut all contact off with her; but it's hard when you love someone so much. What do I convey to her to strike that delicate balance and let her know I am there when things get rocky again?

[Dateagain]

I think that maybe you deserve someone who is less of a train wreck. Watch very closely if you are trying to "save" her.

 

You can't save her, even if you ride up on your white horse and vanquish this guy. Because she's the one making damaging choices. I say, don't follow her lead.

 

I have been abused, and I have also tried to "save" a screwed-up man. These are complex emotions. I had a bunch of people on this board tell me to dump a guy right away because of red flags, I defended him, kept on, things went badly, and they were right. Keep talking, keep working on this

[alphonsefa]

Is there any graceful way to leave the door open a crack and letting her know that I still care for her? Or is it all just a waste of time and effort? Being she hasn't figured it out in 7 years, I guess the chances are slim that she ever will. She once described him as a drug. Stunning!!! Given he's fat, abusive, has a dead end job, and not much in the bedroom from what she told me about him.

[Dateagain]

do you reaqly want to be involved with someone who thinks an abusive man is like a drug?

[alphonsefa]

Upon receiving the item she is to ship back to me, I was going to send her payment and a small note. After our last meeting when I asked her, "you back with him"?; I'm certain she'll never pick up the phone to call me again because from her reaction, she looked humiliated. Most women would've said either, "yes", lied and said "no", or said, "it's none of your business". She just put her head down and walked to her car. She turned and walked away as soon as I asked the question. She knows that I probably know more about her relationship with her abusive boyfriend than any other person in this world. I know I can't rescue her. You can't rescue someone who doesn't want to be rescued. I guess I have to do what's best for me and do exactly what she has forced every one around her to do, quit on her. But before I do, I wanted to leave her with a couple, parting, thoughts. In the remote hope that maybe it will weigh a little on her conscience and make her take another look at what she is doing to herself.

 

"After all that he's put you through, after all that he's put your family through, is there no limit to the pain and humiliation you are willing to tolerate from him?! You could be so much more than what you've become".

[Gracelove]

I know how frustrating it must be for you. I have a relative in an abusive relationship. It'll probably take something extremely tragic, to convince her that she needs to leave.

Maybe she is afraid of losing. In her relationship with you maybe she was afraid things would eventually get worse. She probably feels like...she can't fall to the bottom if she's already there (the "bottom" being her abusive boyfriend).

Be kind to her if she calls you, but don't wait around. The sad thing is that some people never leave their abusive mates. Some only leave in body bags.