We love each other, But I (Male) am not sexually attracted

[Estilgar]

I am in a horrid situation. We have been in a relationship for over a year and a half and we we feel incredibly well suited for each other. But we do have a problem...

 

We have always been well attached with mental, emotional bonds. We share strong interests in each others talent, traits, faults, and other activities.

 

We have had that type of honey-moon high sexual relationship for nearly a year even though we aren't married.

 

I am very open and honest to her, but she has kept a problem to herself for nearly a year and tonite it exploded.

 

I am not sexually attracted to her, I have been open and honest about this for our entire relationship and she always kept her pain hidden. Now she realizes this herself and announces the large hole where my lust for her should have been, and her lust for me has diminished in return.

 

I want to save this relationship, We feel so strongly in every other aspect, and I do not have a problem with not being sexually desired, but I do feel that I am not able to satisfy her desire to be 'lusted'.

 

I am just oblivious to what I need to do, and There are a great many things I can't or maybe force myself not to understand.

 

(Insert audible cry for help here)

[Marcus Sientre]

Huh, interesting. I have a few questions.

 

Is it just her that you're not attraced to? As in, are you attracted to other females at all? Males?

 

Without knowing much more, I'll ask (and I dont need details if you dont want to say), if its not an all out -just- physical attraction to anyone that "gets you going", are you into anything "out of the ordinary" (I dont care for that phrase too much. . .). What I mean by that is, fetishes and the like (BDSM for example)? It may be that your sexual interests lay stronger in some other area. If they do, you might consider talking to her about them and involving her, depending on what it is, and if she is willing to participate.

 

EDIT: And I dont know if this really falls into the realm of your problem/question or if I'm just reading into it, but so far has her needing to feel like you're attracted to her. . .I dont know, I'm not sayings its right or wrong for her to feel how she feels. . .feelings tend to just happen, they arent planned or plotted. If you both want to continue your relationship, it may just be something you'd have to work out with yourself, if she cant deal with it. . .I'd imagine it's a security (or insecurity) issue. She's probably thinking to herself "If he's not attracted to me, then he's bound to wander off to whomever he does find attractive, either now or later when/if we get married." So she may just be worried.

[Estilgar]

Well, neither of us were ever in a 'serious' relationship before we got together. Before we were together we were both near-suicidal depressives.

 

She grew up as a person in a bubble who didn't want anything from the world but to be left alone. Oblivious to personal relationships.

 

I have watched and been interested in watching pornography for about 10 years now. And have had . . . this is hard to say... Well the woman I most desired is one who would care for me for who I was, and whom I could care for without being some sexy tv stereotype.

 

I am very happy with her, but I personally 'lust' only when wathcing/reading something erotic.

 

And I am interested only the other sex.

She has expressed to me that she is not worried about me leaving, but she feels she is missing out on something important in a relationship, and I agree.

[habitual_loser]

You two ever do any role-playing? I hear that spices things up for some people. I mean, maybe the old in-out just isn't enough for you anymore. Leaving a few more pieces of reality behind might loosen you up enough to do the trick.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I may have missed something in your post but were you EVER sexually attracted to her. Because if you were and the "spark" kind of dwindled, then there are ways to add the spice back. Like role playing, toys, doing things a litttle different, etc.

 

BUT

 

If you were never sexually attacted to her but clicked on so many different levels, then I don't see this relationship surviving. You need that chemistry, that attraction in your relationship. It will really hurt you and her the longer you stay with her. There is nothing more painful than being in a relationship with someone you are not physically attracted to.

 

I truly wish you all the best and that everything turns out ok. Take care.

[novaseeker]

I have watched and been interested in watching pornography for about 10 years now. And have had . . . this is hard to say... Well the woman I most desired is one who would care for me for who I was, and whom I could care for without being some sexy tv stereotype.

 

I am very happy with her, but I personally 'lust' only when wathcing/reading something erotic.

 

And I am interested only the other sex.

She has expressed to me that she is not worried about me leaving, but she feels she is missing out on something important in a relationship, and I agree.

 

A couple of thoughts.

 

First, if you can't get sexually attracted to her, the relationship will fail. You both deserve better. It's a critical part of a committed, long-term relationship, in terms of communication of love on a physical level.

 

Second, if you are only turned on by erotica, you should consider what your real relationship is with erotica. Could you use it more sparingly? If you use it too much, it can begin to interfere with your normal sexual attraction and arousal and become a more or less exclusive channeling for sexual expression, which is a bad thing.

[darkblue]

I'm sorry to have to put it like this: but if you are not sexually attracted to her and vice versa; there is nothing to work on - physically.

 

And if you feel that you are missing out on that. It will not work.

 

I think the only appropriate resolution would be to call it a day and stay good friends.

 

Soulmates aren't always meant to be in relationships.

[RayKay]

I can feel both of your pain in this situation - from her side, it will be incredibly painful to feel rejected and not desired by the person you love, and that loves you...and for you, it's probably a sadness you are letting her feel that way, as well as frustration as to why you feel this way.

 

If you have never been sexually/physically attracted to her, I am sorry to say but this is something difficult to change. If you HAVE been, then you can try and regain that with role playing, intimacy, and counselling.

 

I know its hard, but the fact is, that while emotional, spiritual and mental compatibilities are EXTREMELY important, so is sexual compatibility and attraction. Without the latter what you have is an awesome friendship, but with that missing...there will always be hurt feelings on her side I imagine, because people like to feel desirable on ALL levels to their partner - both mentally and physically. That chemistry IS important, as much as some may deny that its not important...it becomes terribly important when one of the partners is feeling as your girlfriend does, or as you do right now.

 

 

 

You have some tough decisions to make, the two of you. Best of luck.

[babycristy456]

Hi, You said you have had honey-moon sex for nearly a year. Which I assume you meant that it is very healthy and good for both of you. I also noticed that you said about watching pornography and that is what you desire. Realize that pornography is not real life situation and those females do not exist in real life (Of course they exist, but they might be giving the wrong preception of what an attractive girl should be). Try to think and see what it is you love about her (both physical and emotional) and try to reach another level of attraction that might create chemistry for both of you.

 

I agree with most people here, sexual/physical attraction is very important and she deserves to be "wanted and craved". You know what I mean? She might eventually feel as if she is your friend or your mentor, but not your girlfriend.

[sepiaswirl]

i went through the same exact thing with an ex a couple of years ago, where he loved me but wasn't attracted to me. it was the porn.

 

he was into porn so much that it just totally killed his passion for anything else. every movie or book he had was about extraordinary sexual situations (groups, tons of girls at once, etc). it just turned him off to "normal" sexual situations (e.g. being 1-on-1 with a regular girl). i think he got desensitized to regular sexual contact.

 

my opinion - totally lay off porn. we did that, and after about 10 days, things got crazy...in a good way

 

you can say you love looking at it, but if you want to keep this relationship goin, you'd do it. give it at least a week though. in time, your natural urges will take over

[darkblue]

my opinion - totally lay off porn. we did that, and after about 10 days, things got crazy...in a good way

 

Unless you're using porn because you didn't want to have sex with your partner in the first place...

[Estilgar]

Well that was a lot of advice overnight... But just as I logged out we had a long chat.. and we don't want to be without each other.

 

It has left her very hurt, and me very sad. But she has thought of a way to make this last, bless her.

 

Basically we have agreed on having a more "Catholic" relationship. We will still sleep in the same bed, call each other by our 'pet names', refer to ourselves as g/f_b/f. But the relationship will be completely platonic. (umm definition 2 on link removed)

 

I really do appreciate all the people who contributed to this thread and I am so happy also that we were somehow able to correct this situation.

 

Since there is a few more questions posted amongst the replies I add this information.

I have viewed pornography for a long time and got off on it, after starting this relationship I had to cut my habit down, it wasn't exatly an addiction, but whenever I had nothing to do, I watched porn.. a timekiller. But I have cut down alot and now I don't think I will be watching any more.

[RayKay]

 

Basically we have agreed on having a more "Catholic" relationship. We will still sleep in the same bed, call each other by our 'pet names', refer to ourselves as g/f_b/f. But the relationship will be completely platonic. (umm definition 2 on link removed)

 

 

It may help it "last" but are you going to be happy? BOTH of you, honestly? And last until when?

 

I advise if you ARE going to do this, you seek joint relationship and sexual counselling as well to address these issues. If you both do choose to make this work, I think you need to be more pro-active on it together...and also at same time accept that while this may *help* in short term, the cost may be pretty high emotionally.

[novaseeker]

 

Basically we have agreed on having a more "Catholic" relationship. We will still sleep in the same bed, call each other by our 'pet names', refer to ourselves as g/f_b/f. But the relationship will be completely platonic. (umm definition 2 on link removed)

 

I hope this works and I wish you well.

 

My ex and I did this before we were married (she was a pretty devout RC at the time) and it was an absolute disaster for our sexual intimacy once we were married ... but we had other issues and perhaps it can work for you somehow.

[darla691]

Is there a specific reason why you are not attracted to your girlfriend? Is it her personality or is there something about her physical appearance that you just don't like? these are the things that you need to ask your self and be honest with her about it...What attracted you to her in the first place?

[melrich]

Basically we have agreed on having a more "Catholic" relationship. We will still sleep in the same bed, call each other by our 'pet names', refer to ourselves as g/f_b/f. But the relationship will be completely platonic. (umm definition 2 on link removed)

 

Well I too hope you can make what you want to work work. But I have to ask, is this what you really want. It sounds to me like 2 people settling for second best. I have real doubts that anyone could carry this off over the long term. Maybe you should also give yourselves a timeframe in which to re-assess things?

[Estilgar]

Okay we have reached a point where we can no longer rely on that of the general people.

 

Sorry all you do-gooders.. there are SOME very important issues that I can not post nor discuss publicly.

 

If there is someone reading this whom has some some professional training, teaching or experience with at least two of the following:

 

Depression

Personal & Intimate Relationships

Psycology

 

Please PM me. I need more then simple (yet effctive) forums can provide.

[Estilgar]

Hi, I am Estilgar's girlfriend, and he suggested I post what I want. I've agreed, because I hate to cry and as he's said so often- it makes me feel better. I've had many upset sessions in between being happy around him like before and the more I talk to people, the more I doubt myself.

What I want, is to stay with him in this life. I grew up seeing myself as Asexual and to have taken so well to this love thing really threw me. And now I'm looking at him, thinking things should be switched.. but I fell in love sometime this past year. He made me happy and I accepted everything he was because I'd never met anyone like him. I changed when he was around. Everyone commented on how I looked happy. (Which must have been a big change.)

While the porn thing always bothered me, I trudged past it. Constantly reminding myself that it's normal for guys to do that, and none of my business to tell someone what they can and cannot watch. I respected his desires. u.u -sigh- I just wish I'd had the knowledge that they weren't turned at me for a reason.

I am full of hurt and forgiveness. I forgive because he didn't know what the strong and new emotion he was feeling WAS. I understand. And I hurt because he said he was in love so often.. and it was an invisible lie. (He also said I was "not ugly" when I asked if he lied about how I looked. You know how women are.) So that hurt too. In the past couple days I have collapsed and risen anew, and it's gonna happen again. I'm proud of myself.

I don't know if I have a question. I only have a plan. I wish to heal, and settle into a completely non-sexual relationship with the person who I'm most comfortable around. We do love eachother so much. I cannot find it in me to let that go. It wouldn't solve anything- that's for sure. And no one knows if it'll work. But when two people work at something special like this, it's good that they're trying. Content. Happy. I want those back without tears in front of them.

I've thrown angry comments at Estilgar, and then broke down and ran to him. My emotions are entirely too strong for one person to handle. But.. things are ok afterwards. I think that's a sign, personally. I'm not holding on to things that aren't there, but we do have chemistry and like to hold eachother.

I think that's all I can say for now.