Allowing my Brother to Live With me was a Big Mistake

[nieves3322]

Allowing my brother to move into my house was a really bad idea. I'm starting to think that helping a stranger is better than helping a family member because family always thinks that because you are "family" you will be soo lenient on them.

 

During the spring time I allowed my brother (22 years old) to move in with me (26 years old), my daughter (10 y/o) and my fiancé. He stood with us because he lost his job and couldn't pay rent. That should have been my first sign of things to come, but nooo I thought I could trust him and everything would be ok. He stood with us for 3 weeks until a room became available at his friends house in NY, which he was going to rent. After going there and "unable to find a job" in three weeks he started calling me telling me that things are not working out, he cannot find a job and he is "desperate and does not know what to do".

 

I started a career in real estate sales this year and have been quite busy, so I told my fiancé, "how about we allow him to come stay with us temporarily until we settle on the second house we are purchasing as an investment. He would help me with my work, I will pay him something for helping me until he can find work and if he does well with me I will help him get into the same line of business as me and we can even be partners. Also, as soon as we settle on this investment house, we will allow him to live in it for six months and he can cover just the expenses of the house without paying us anything extra to help him save money to get his own place." Sounds like a plan right? Wrrooong! What a big freaking mistake.

 

Throughout these 2 months he has not looked for work. He stays up all night on the internet talking to his boyfriends (yes he is gay), meeting guys online, meeting with these guys in person who he just meets off of the internet. Which, they come to the front of my house to pick him up. He has even left in the middle of the night, left my door unlocked so he could get back in because he did not have the keys. Then he comes home and sleeps during the day, to get up and watch his talk shows and programs. It bugs me the fact that I leave every morning to work with my fiancé while he is sleeping in the office room my fiancé had to give up for him. One of the BIGGEST things that bugs me also, is the fact that after living with me for 2 weeks or so he tells me that he has to get tested for HIV because one of his ex-partners called him to tell him that he had HIV and that he should get tested, which he has not gone to get tested. This worries me big time because we only have one bathroom which we all share and before he told me this, I had never been careful around him. I am also scared for my daughter. It also makes me angry at the fact that he has used my daughters' computer to surf for gay porn and uses my work laptop for these uses all the time. He was not even embarrassed when I told him that I knew what he was doing this in my daughters computer and that he needed to stop. He just gave me a casual "ok". I am not saying that I am against him being gay, is just that I don't want my daughter stumbling on this on her computer neither do I want to know all the details of his life style.

 

My fiancé confronted him the other day about the whole situation and his reply was "I have not look for work because here where we live there are not many public buses going into the city." This is total bull. The buses are not that great but they run at least every hour. My fiance told him that he needs to get off his behind and look for work because he cannot continue to live with us. He only went out twice last week looking for work and that's all. Now he is telling me that he is planning to take some classes to work as a bank teller, which will last for 3 weeks. He then said that he will wait until he moves into our investment house, which will be the first week of November, to then look for a job because the house is in the city.

 

I don't know what to do. I just feel like letting him move into our investment house just so he can leave, but then again I don't want him to because I don't trust that he will be able to pay for it. The only thing I can give him credit for is that he tries to help out by cleaning around the house and making dinner for us, which yeah it may be nice but it is not important to me. I just want my life back. I regret doing this. It is a shame because I really did not know that he was this type of person. I gave up on him. Now I just want my old life back. I will never again help a family member.

 

What should I do? Some input please.

[beanpaper]

Kick him out. You need to for the good of your family and for the good of your brother. You are enabling him to be a leach. Your fiance is not going to put up with this. He needs to go.

 

Tell him he is not moving into the investment house.

 

 

By the way you don't get HIV from bathrooms.

[RandomAdvisor]

He has definitly abused your kindness. However, I think flat kicking him out at this point is a little harsh. Your fiance has spoken to him, but you havn't. What's needed here is a good old fashioned ultimatum.

 

Talk to him and tell him he's abused your kindness. Tell him that you aren't going to let him move into the investment house unless he has some source of funding to pay for the expenses. Namely, a job. You should tell him that from now on, trying to find a new job IS his job, and that unless he gets right to it you are going to kick him out. You should probably set a time limit on this, say, a month or so. I know that overlaps with the beginning of November, so maybe you should let him stay in your place until then. If a month from now he doesn't have a job, then by all means, kick him out without thinking twice. He wont be able to say you didn't warn him.

 

Simple expenses for living in a place (I'm assuming you just mean utilities, not rent) aren't that high. I'm sure he can take a job at McDonalds if need be, and if he doesn't, he probably thinks you're bluffing.

 

Having friends and relatives stay with you can be tricky. From all the stories I've read, I think that setting a limit from the beginning is necessary. If you tell them, "You have to move out by such and such a date" you better believe they're going to get off their butt and try to find themselves a job. They have a motivation for it. And also, tell him to get the HIV test too. But don't worry about your daughter. She can't catch it from using the same bathroom.

[BellaDonna]

One of the BIGGEST things that bugs me also, is the fact that after living with me for 2 weeks or so he tells me that he has to get tested for HIV because one of his ex-partners called him to tell him that he had HIV and that he should get tested, which he has not gone to get tested. This worries me big time because we only have one bathroom which we all share and before he told me this, I had never been careful around him.

 

You don't have to worry about contracting HIV from him, simply from sharing a bathroom.

 

HIV is passed through blood and bodily fluids. Mainly semen, blood and vaginal secretions. Also breast milk.

 

Infection can happen in 5 ways:

 

Sexual intercourse with an infected person.

 

Anal intercourse with an infected person.

 

Sharing needles and other paraphernalia for injecting drugs with an infected person (this includes using steroids and "skin popping" drugs).

 

Infected blood or blood products given by blood transfusions or other medical treatments. (This is very rare in the U.S. and Canada as all blood is screened for the HIV infection.)

 

Giving birth (if YOU are infected with HIV). About 1 in 4 HIV-positive mothers will infect their babies either during birth, while pregnant, (the virus crosses the placenta to the fetus), or by breast feeding.

 

I would encourage him to get tested ASAP- in fact, if it were my home- it would be a CONDITION he'd have to comply with if he planned on staying there. If he is indeed infected- early treatment can help prolong his life- and also inform him so he can be carfeul and tell anyone he's with.

 

As for the other issues- you need to lay down the law. Even though he is an adult- he's under your roof. I would not allow him to use your daughter's computer. Most programs have a setting where you can password protect people from logging on, so he won't even be able to get to the desktop. You should also tell him he can't stay there another week unless he gets a job. I don't care if that job is McDonalds....it's better than NO JOB. So he'll have to lower his employment standards and get some kind of job no matter how it pays- he can always look for a better paying job in the meantime. He should be paying you a weekly rent which is income sensitive. I would also tell him that he has to provide you with an action plan which includes a date of when he's moving out.

 

He should not see your home as a revolving door.

 

I must comment that you seem to have a great, understanding fiance. Consider yourself very lucky. With that said, be careful because you could ruin your own life and relationship if this continues the way it is with your brother.

 

You have to speak up- and not feel bad about it because you have the RIGHT to. If you do not then you will only be enabeling him further.

 

BellaDonna

[secret01]

hes a big boy now he should be looking to soport himself. im 19 and yes i still live at home, but if i want something then i get it myself, and the same should go for him.if he wants a job the he should go get one,

 

the thing is with him is that he has it easy, and he would want it to stay that way as long as posible. so what you need to do is tell him to go get a job. you need to say that all ariginal plans are demolished. he has to go get a job now, ( give him 3 weeks) but thats all, tell him if he doesnt then he can leave now. and that you have done your best. you need to tell him yes hes your brother and you love him dearly, but you have your little girl to look after and to provide for not him.

 

also the thing with the porn website, and going out, all gays are like that, ( well morgority no offence to gays). my m8 is gay and him and hes friends are like that. but he shoould'nt do it on your little girls pc.

 

anyway, im rabbiting on now, but good luck, it will work its way out aventually.

take care

[BellaDonna]

also the thing with the porn website, and going out, all gays are like that,

 

I would not go so far as to say that. There are plenty of gay people that are in meaningful committed relationships and do not look to porn or constant clubbing for their social lives.

 

Likewise there are many straight people oogling over porno on the computer too.

 

I'd say the fact that he's young, single, and BORED cause him to do those things. I don't think it has anything to do with his sexuality.

 

The boredom can be solved by him getting off his butt and getting a job, instead of wasting away at the computer lazily.

 

As I said earlier- I would give him an ultimatum: Get a job or get out. I would also not let him use the computer.

 

BellaDonna