Trying to Feel Strong

[Not Thinking]

I have been reading for a few days now and I finally had to jump in. So here is the deal. My g/f of 2.5 years gave me "let's be friends" speech and I am sure you guys know the rest. Either way, I just got back from Iraq with the military and we had two very serious storms hit my home town, so life was not the best for me when it happened.

 

We talked about two weeks ago and she said that I need to move out of the apartment and we should get to know each other again, I was fine with this because I thought it was a good idea. The very next day she told me she missed me being there and wanted me to come back. I thought about it and was able to go with that too. Three days later I got the "friends" speech and she tells me she always wants me in here life blah, blah, blah.

 

I did not really talk to her too much after that I n/c for a few days and she called me on the following Monday and told me that she like this guy she had known before. I felt like I was kicked in the stomach. I did the "please don't do this it will work out" and so forth. Either way I stopped talking for a couple of days and she asked me to come get my stuff and everything. By the way she took all my stuff out of here apartment and put it in a vacant apartment, I was aggravated by then. I go on Thursday to get my stuff and the fireworks started.

 

While I went to pick up the items, I see the guy pop up and walk into here apartment. The first thought I had was "you dumped my for that!?". We, she and I, got into a name calling shouting match which I later apoligized for calling here the "B" word. That night she tried to call me three times that night and I did not answer and she then texted message me about something pretty trivial, I give a very short yes/no response and that was it. I still have not talked to her and on day 3 of n/c.

 

During the argument she tried to sell me about all the things this guy was. I saw through alot of that and this guy is nothing that she says he is. I myself make a lot of money, have no baggage marriage or other wise, great job, new SUV, and so forth. Something I know about her is that she wants the great house, family, and so on. This man will not come close to any of it. She has her own set of issues, bad credit, not making alot of money at her job and so forth. Matter of fact I figured that I have given her almost $4000.00 since the end of last year. To compond the issue even more she has a son who I love very much.

 

By the way she kept a couple of things when she told me to get all my stuff back. I will not ask for them but I get the feeling she wants to keep me close. Matter of fact she knows that she could get me back with a phone call.

 

I know that n/c is the way to go but this sucks.

[heloladies21]

It does suck, but No Contact means not letting her get a hold of you so easily either. Don't pick up the phone, don't return her calls or texts. No Contact = NO CONTACT. If she's gettin with a new guy this quick it's a done deal. She never truly cared about you anyways. Drop the case and do your best to move on. Start talking to other girls.

[beanpaper]

You're right... you can't be in a relationship with her when she has so little respect for you (that she exhibits). After all she knows you care about her she throws it in your face. As long as you keep being ready to come back at a moments notice, letting her call the shots, she will not love you the way you deserve. If there's any chance she could learn to go into the relationship an equal partner then maybe there's a chance for the house with the white picket fence.. not the way things are now!

 

You need a mature woman who knows what she wants to love you. Someone who loves you for who you are, someone sweet and loving. Women like that are out there! Being strong is the best thing... don't let her keep pulling you back into "her web of insanity" with each phone call! You can't move on with her still controlling you. Write yourself a list of the bad things in the relationship to read when you fantasize about a reunion with her.

 

Good luck..

[babycristy456]

Please, you do not need that! Sorry, but you are probably a respectable person, considering that you are in the military (very admirable). YOu are obviously not threatened by this new guy. Honestly, just let it go, go out, have fun, I am sure there are a lot of girls that want a guy like you. And that will not leave you or suck up your money.

 

If I soun harsh, you haven't heard anything yet! lol JK. But seriously, I understand that you really love this girl, but you should take some serious time to reflect what type of person she is and if you want that in your future. And can you really trust her? Considering that you are in the military and will be out and about every so often...

 

Good luck!

[DN]

When you have calmed down a little you might like to think about whether you want a woman who is so very interested in material things or who can be so volatile and changeable in her affections.

 

Don't let her put you on the back burner in case this new guy realises what sort of woman he has got himself involved with and walks out of her life.

[Not Thinking]

Well here we are at another weekend in our official breakup and 4 days of NC. I keep trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel but I feel like it is a train. I am too the point I want her to call so I can NC. One thing I am very sure of is that she will break NC, either to tell me to come get something, her son misses me, or to just try and pick a fight.

 

Either way here is my upcoming delima. She is the asst manager of the apartment complex I live in. The complex was damaged by the storm and all of the occupants had to move out. I will go this weekend and move the rest of my stuff out of the complex, I do not want to see her or have any dealings. The trick is that her boss wants me to stay available to the complex to run the security there. I do not want to have to deal with the ex as she is the asst manager and I do not feel comfortable.

 

I am thinking about just going to empty my apartment and have no dealings with the ex and then submitting a very professonial letter stating that I am not going to continue to assume the security duties and further explain that this letter is also my notice to vacate the property. It is either that or call the manager directly and let her know that security position will conflict with my job. I know that my ex will get stressed when she relized that I left and did not say a word to her and she will call and fuss

at me.

 

I know about NC but I will try and not weaken when she calls.

[spiderman_56]

Eventually ..almost all of them break the nc rule either voluntarly , due to circumstances or by misluck..

the question is how do u handle when that moment happens ... there is no need to panick ..just remain civil, get settled with any issues that requires your attention and move on ..!!

when asked about ur personal life ..just be aloof and state that everything is going to the best ....

 

on my personal point of view ... I have come to hate those situations where you have to resort to those emotional warfare, to feel so hurt by the very people you cared so much about ...

 

just forgive , drop everything that's related to her and emotionally wish her the best and move on with your life becuz i think nobody deserves to have some1 in their life that will make them feel sorrow/sad feelings ...

 

so if u care a penny about urself ...let her get on with her and move on with urs ..a door closes but a new one opens ..trust me on this

[Not Thinking]

Day 5 of NC and I am starting to miss her, I am feeling very weak and alone right now. She has not contacted me since Thursday after the blow out and then it was three calls to my cell and a dumb text question, nothing else. I keep wondering if she thinking about me, wrapped up in this new guy or what? All of my friends, relatives, and so forth can not STAND this girl and hate her even more for this. So they, and you guys, are keeping me strong. I keep tryning to think to myself, as she will get weaker (and I think she will) I will get stronger, that will be when I get my b@lls back.

 

I always thought of myself as caring and warm. I do not hit, steal, cheat, make great money, educated, and love her son. Then I am faced with what she left me for, I have no issue with a hard working person but I see that this person will not give what she wants either mentally, physicaly, or security. Also, I have never been married and no kids of my own.....Question for the ladies: what are women thinking sometimes?

 

I am still trying to make myself believe the relationship is over and I would be an idiot to let her walk right back in. But we all know there in lies the problem, a warm smile...couple of "I love/miss you" and I would fall hard. No matter what happens I have to make sure it is on my terms.

 

Thanks for your help and advice guys and gals.

[Not Thinking]

Well I got the answers I was looking for, she left me for another man. She said she had been talking to this guy while we were together and he told her he would not got out with her until she got rid of me. We had a long talk about being friends and so forth, she says she feels uncomfortable with that right now. I am crushed! NC is now the sure way to go. She even begins to tell me that she is going to meet this guys family, talking about rings, and moveing up north with him.....I feel like I just got played like a chump. Now I guess I need to move to the "recovery" forums.

 

I know I am preaching to the chior but man this hurts. Especially what she gave me up for.

[DN]

It does hurt for sure and I am sorry you got sliced and diced like that. The lying couldn't have helped either. As you say, no contact is the way to go - I hope you get over her really quickly and find someone who loves you.

[rascal]

sorry.

 

how did you find out?

[Not Thinking]

Thanks for the good words everyone.

 

Rascal:

I found out about all this when we had our talk, she told me about knowing this guy and all the details since our break up.

 

I do know that this relationship will, probably, not last too long. Maybe she will miss me, she told me that today, but would not call because of the words we exchanges. I told her I was sorry for some of the things I said, trying to be the better person. I said that I was acting off of emotion and not rational thought. I did leave a message and she called me right back and I told her that I was glad we talked and cleared somethings up. She also said that she did not know about being friends because of all the newness of the break up. I told I have always loved her and her son and always will. Finally, I said "take care of yourself and I will talk to you later." Of course I will not call because of the NC. She said she would talk/call me later but who knows. I am sure that when this fails I may get a call or something. Do you guys think I will hear from her, I hope so but I know we can not be together anymore, I told her that too.

 

Give me strengh.

[Not Thinking]

Hi Guys,

 

In my attempt to make light of the above situation I read something in the newapaper today that made me laugh.

 

First of all I have to give you the strory behind the article. The owner of the New Orleans Saints, Tom Benson, has been talking about leaving the city for sometime now. We, the politicians, and everyone else always tried to come up with the money, new stadium, and everything we could find to make them stay (is this starting to sound familiar to my fellow dumpees?). Hurricance Katrina hit N.O. and the Superdome was destroyed and the team started playing home games in San Antonio. Now the rumor is that the team maybe kept there. The article will make you relate to the situations that some of us have been faced with to no avail. I hope it makes since to you guys.

 

 

 

Hey Cuz, we gotta talk.

 

You're beginning to embarrass yourself.

 

Truth is, you've been embarrassing yourself for years, but I didn't want to say anything. I figured that, since we're friends, I'd keep my mouth shut and mind my own business.

 

But now we gotta talk. You've got to let her go, bruh. You've got to get over this.

 

You say you can't live without her. That she completes you. Dude, you need to get ahold of yourself.

 

She kicked you when you were down and still, you beg for more.

 

Quit begging. She's a coward. She has no soul. Your kids say to you: Daddy, what's wrong? Don't let them see you like this.

 

She ain't no Saint, man. She's nothing but trouble. She never listens to you. She never says "thank you" when all you do is say "please, please, please."

 

She's ugly, man. Real ugly. She lies to you. She preys on your insecurities. She takes all your money. She takes you away from your family.

 

She's a gold digger. A tramp. She'll lie down with anyone who's got more money than you and -- face it -- everyone has more money than you now.

 

Don't you realize that she never liked you? Not even a little. She just stuck with you because she's unambitious.

 

She's been trying to dump you for years. Aren't you sick and tired of having to prove your worth to her, year after year, season after season?

 

Take the hint, bruh. Cut her loose.

 

I'd tell you to give back the ring she gave you but then -- and this is important -- she never did get you a ring, did she? In 38 years, no ring.

 

She'll never get you a ring, man. Wait until next year, she always tells you. Next year she'll get you that ring. She says you gotta have FAITH. She says you gotta BELIEVE.

 

HAH! Dude, you're living in Dysfunction Junction. She's got issues, man.

 

First off, you guys only hook up -- what, 16 times a year? And when you do -- admit it -- afterward you feel used and empty, don't you?

 

Like she didn't even care that you were there. Like you could have been anybody. Like you needed a drink and a cigarette and someone to talk to afterward and -- admit it again -- you cheated on her, didn't you?

 

You called Buddy D. It was always Buddy D who gave you the comfort and love you needed. He listened to you. He understood you. He gave you a pet name: "Squirrel."

 

But Buddy D's gone and you've got no one to trust anymore. The whole damn deal has soured and you've simply got to LET HER GO.

 

You think you need her for your confidence, for appearances, especially for your friends from out of town who you say will think less of you if you didn't have her at your side.

 

Let me tell you something: Your friends from out of state have always wondered what you saw in her. What could possibly be the attraction?

 

Forget about her, man.

 

Sure, she's coming back to Louisiana next weekend, all dolled up in her pretty black and gold and her fleur-de-lis hat and all that. Don't fall for it. Stay away from her.

 

She'll only break your heart again.

 

I know you feel like she's been part of your family for all these years. It's hard to say goodbye; I'm not saying otherwise. I know it's hard.

 

But you can do better. Go back to your wife. Go back to your girlfriend. Go back to your kids. Get a dog. Get a life. Read a book. Cut the grass. Play golf.

 

Do something. Do anything. Just let that bad girl go.

 

And while you're at it, tell her friend in Oklahoma City not to bother coming back, either.

 

Who needs the headache, man?

 

I hope you gusy liked this as much as I did.

 

Now for the rest of my saga. My ex went out of town to meet the family of the guy whe left me for, funny because she said she loved and wanted to marry me about three weeks ago. I am doing the NC things except for the above post and I am sure/hoping she will call, it want to hear her voice so bad. The worst part is that when this falls apart I think I will be getting the call. I can not go back to her and told her this, but I will think she will make the effort. How long does it take for the newness wot where off and when do women start thinking they may have made a bad call?

[nataliejulie]

Rebounds always give a person a good kick in the A double S.

 

I would never in a million years take it seriously if she wanted to marry you three weeks ago.

 

At least you know where her head is at -- confused and impulsive.

[Ripples]

Not Thinking,

 

Sounds to me like she is trying to convince herself that what this new guy offers is what she really wants but I dont think it is. Is all sounds very flimsy to me. Give her 6 months and she will be back.

 

However, this does not mean that you hang around waiting for her. Ok you will miss her and that is quite natural but all the power is with you now and she knows it. you now have the freedom to do whatever you want with whomever you want. She cant. She has shown her hand and that makes her insecure. I like your style by being cool and manly. that is very good. To appear unrattled by the whole affair will unerve her big time and that should give you strength. She has missed out big time. You know it, she knows it. Take time to find your feet and then start building a life that makes hers look mediocre by comparison. this will get right on her tits. Dont get me wrong, its not about vengeance, its about the value of all that you represent. Trust me on this, someone will come and claim you and this will bug her to death. Good luck to her. Heartless cow.

 

By the way I wouldn't do NC, I would do limited contact ie if she calls respond, but on no account ever contact her. And when you do respond keep being cool, aloof and unrattled. Show her that you are moving on and life is fantastic thank you very much.

 

In the event that she does come back some day then that is a new episode so come back here for more advice.

[Not Thinking]

Thanks for all the replies....especially to you Ripples. I think that you are right about all the stuff she is trying to convince herself of, either that or a guilty conscience. She seemed very concerned about who I told what happened and the reasons for it. Either way I know how hard she can be to deal with and I am pretty sure that she will either get tired of him or he is going to get sick of her in very short order. Even when I looked at the guy she left me for, I feel it in my bones that it will not last. Now do I wait around? Of course not. I hate to sound greedy, better than needy, but right now life is all about me and my happiness. As far as the mediorce stuff you are right on, she is thinking of "Mr Right Now" not "Mr. Right" and it is going to kill her.

 

Take care and I hope to hear from all of you guys. Also, all my best in each of your individual situations

[Not Thinking]

Hi gang! I hope everyone is doing as well as can be expected.

 

I am going to make it through the week with NC, on my and her side. Today is going to be day 6 and I have not called her and she has not initiated any contact. If you follow the last few post you can see where we are standing. It has been 3 weeks since the break up, 2 weeks since the blow up and last week we had a civil conversation. I left her with the "take care and let me know how you are" speech. She is very proud and I do not know if will/not call.

 

I have had the chance to go by my apartment complex and did see her car a couple of times but I did not stop and talk. I did see her looking at me, I think she knew it was me out of the door of her office, she can see the street. This was yesterday and no I have not heard from her.

 

I speak to her boss on a regular occasion for business matters but I do not really get into about the ex's and my realtionship. The boss tells me she thinks the ex should stay with me. Not to mention the fact friends and family agree.

 

Either way I am slowly realizing the relationhip is done and I keep trying to get stronger. However, I think of her in the arms of another...well I am sure you guys understand. I pray for her and have always wished her and her son all my best, once I got over being mad and the full range of other emotions. I have to be strong and not break NC.

 

Today seemed very hard because I got some GREAT news about a job that can almost set me comfortable for the rest of my life. I wanted to call and tell her but you guys should be proud because I stood strong. She should be able to see I had planned on taking care of her and her son for as long as I could. She told me once that I would try and buy her affection and I could not get her to understand that I am/was only trying to show her I would be a good provider and give her stability. Let me ask a question. I was going to pay for her to go to school and not have to work, get her a new car because her's is on its last mile, and make sure she never wanted of had to have anything. You can add this to the fact I loved her more than anything. What did I do wrong?

 

I know the guy she dumped me for is not going to be able to give her any of these things. Maybe he cares for her and she him, but when the newness wears off, what then? She did tell me that with this guy being a mechanic he can FIX her car when it breaks, lucky girl I guess.

 

Please give me some of the good advice....ripples and superdave feel free to jump in.

 

I hope all of you are getting through the pain as best as possible, all my best!

[ziggystardust]

Yeah, but if you break her heart by being cool, and blowing her off a bit...who will fix that? The only person who can is the one who broke it. No matter what...always look good! Remember those words. She left you for another dude...typical azz girl crap...they are so insecure. They can't leave someone unless there is someone else...your success is the best revenge! Get yourself together, and rule! If not her world...then yours!

[Not Thinking]

Ziggy,

 

Thanks for the good words! Right now I am trying to focus on the things I can do to fix, not really in need of fixing, and better my life. You are right on with the whole, who will she turn to thing.

 

Eitherway, I keep tell myself this is for the best and I am going to survive. However the most important thing is that she will come to me, once the newness falls and she has to swallow her pride.

 

I was reading the other post about "gut feelings". My gut tells me she will try and contact me and want to talk. I can not get back with her because I know that she will not make the changes that have to be made.

 

Right now my heart hurts, but not like it did, and I miss her and her son very much. I know that she has had a very hard life and has been known to take it out on the people she cares about, I am not sure how this guy is going to deal with the temper and so forth.

 

I hope all of you are making progress and all my best.

[ziggystardust]

I'm gonna tell you from experience...I have a daughter that I am not able to see. I have definitely shown the effects of this in my now ex relationship. I have to focus on the future...with my ex or not. My ex told me that she will wait for me to work through my problems...well...should I wait to work through them too. Nope. If you do your best, you are better. I don't have to go on my gut feeling...she will contact me...everyday. The problem with that is I contact her back...everyday. The magic of the relationships is the unknown. Humans are curious...and they want to explore. The most optimal is to explore a relationship with someone. Well...make more of yourself to explore. I need to step back, and quit giving her a day to day account of my life...I need to explore what I have not yet. That is what our ex'es love about us in the beginning. We all have to keep growing or we become stagnant(boring)...thereforeeee...replaceable!

[Not Thinking]

Hi Gang,

 

Well I got through the week with N/C after our closure talk. Now I have to go through the long healing process. I had to drive by my apartment a few times and I saw the new guy's car by her apartment, yes I felt like I was stuck with a hot iron. I miss her so much even though I know she has had sex with this guy. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!? I know I have to drive on and keep my game face on but it is tearing me up inside. The worst part is the fact I see what she left me for and that right there hurts bad enough.

 

I hope and pray that everyone else is having a better time of this than I am.

 

Ziggy, DN, Ripples, and etc.....thanks for the kind words and support.

[Ripples]

NT

 

Congratulations on the NC achievement. Despite the pain and confusion, rest assured you are completely doing the right thing and appear in control - that is imortant (even though you feel like s**t!)

 

It must be very hard to visit your appartment and see the blokes car. That pain will be very real. In time though that pain should turn to anger. You need to be angry that these two users have abused you and she has betrayed your loyalty. Get angry - that is a good sign. It may take days weeks or months but eventually your pain will turn to anger and that is a healthy healing sign. Additionally keep in your mind the fact that this situation is not unique to you. This happens all over the world - unfortunatley it is human nature. Coping with it maturely will determine how you move on from this mess.

 

You are doing really well so just hang on in there. Get out, meet people, have fun and above all take the job and submerge yourself in that. All the time you are doing these things you are moving forwards and improving upon the bloke your ex use to know - and that is very important.

 

Keep going man!

[Not Thinking]

Well on 05 Nov we have been broke up for a month, on the same day I have been NC for 2 weeks. Guys! It does get better for us! Do I miss her? of course. Do I love her and her son? very much. It still hurts to se his car in the apartment complex, but I see she is spending a lot of time at home and his car is not there too often. Am I reading into this? a little but it helps me go through the grieving process. I still laugh when I saw this guy and that always puts a smile on my face. You left me for that? As I said before she wants the great house, good husband, kids, go to school, and all the other things, this man will not even come close. That is waht makes me feel better.

 

I am the better man with everything going for me and she is getting distant each passing day and I mean that by me focusing on going up and I know in my heart she will fall.

 

I am sure that I will get the phone call one day and I also know she thinks I will fall back in the blink of an eye.....I do not think so, of course it is hard and I never want to see her and her son suffer but that is not my responsibility.

 

"You better watch what you say

You better watch what you do to me

Don't get carried away

Darlin you can do better than me...then go...

just go...but remember good love is hard to find

you got lucky babe when I found you"

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, You got Lucky. (Cool Song)

 

Sorry for keeping this thread alive but it helps me.

 

I wish all the best to everyone and thier individual circumstances.

[Ripples]

Did you take the new job? If so when can you start?

[coooolsome]

Not Thinking

 

Stop looking for her car or her new mans car. I realized that one of the things that holds us back is any sort of contact. That includes looking for her car. I used to check my ex's myspace all the time and then I realized that I do it b/c I have some hope there might be something there telling me she wants to get back together. Dont do it. When you drive by, dont look. Force yourself not to look and not to think.

 

No matter what she does the only thing that is a definite is if she calls you up and says Im sorry, I made a mistake, I want you back. Other than that, nothing she says is a hint she wants back in.