Abusive Girlfriend - Help Me....

[Exodus]

Hmm, this will be a bit strange. I haven't vented or let anyone really know what's been going on in my life for several years now. Well, I guess you can always start sometime.

 

So yesterday, I end up being late for school. I'm in a mad rush, and my girlfriend walks in. By the way, we have a baby together that's one year old, and we live together. She had spent the night at my Mum's house earlier. Well, so she comes in and she's upset. She tells me my Mum told her something and it upset. I won't go into the details though.

 

So our baby is playing with something, and it happens to be my $500 watch. I let him go with it since she was watching him. I quickly finish getting ready, and I ask her where my watch is. I get a very rude response with a bad attitude: "It's YOUR watch, YOU should know where it is!". Last thing I needed when I'm already 2-hours late for school. On top of dealing with that type of attitude for the past year and a half, I know have her giving it to me when I had just slept for 4 hours yet again. So I yell "What do you mean you don't know where it is? Your watching our son, and you don't know what he's playing with?!". She replies with a "Why the hell are you yelling at me as*hole?". I respond with "Forget it, your a b*tch. I'm out of here." So I leave for school.

 

I get back home later that afternoon, and my son's taking a nap. I decide to nap with him, and took him out of the crib. We slept for about two hours, and he woke up. I told my girlfriend to get him, and she does. Just not in the way I expected. I go back to the room, and she follows me. I lay down in bed and get ready to sleep again (Yes, I was still tired). She sits on the bed, and starts playing with our son! I asked her to leave, and she said "I'm gonna change his diaper." She turns on the light, and I say "Can you do that in the living room, I'm really friggin tired." She says "Your gonna sleep again?! You already slept last night!" in a bad way. I say "I got home at 3:30 this morning, how could I have slept all night?". By this point, I was already pissed. I went on to say "Jesus, your so damn selfish. I'm already working full time, going to school, and cleaning the damn house. Now you won't even let me sleep? Your so damn selfish and self-centered. You don't clean, you don't do anything. You can't even clean up the diapers you change!." I had gotten into a car accident a week and a half ago, and had to take a week off work. During this time, I was washing a WEEK's worth of dirty cloths. Cloths that had piled up for 2 months. I finally finished washing the cloths my last day of leave. She said "DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT IN FRONT OF MY SON!", and I said "So get out and let me sleep." She refused, so I kept going on. I called her self-centered and selfish about 2 more times, and she grabbed our son's dirty diaper and threw it at my face. Not just threw, she whipped it at me. It hurt like hell

 

So I threw it back at her, and she went crazy. I was still lying down, and she grabbed my leg and started punching me several times. I got pissed off and pushed her (She was still sitting on the bed) and she just fell (Since she was sitting, she was now lying down). I laid back down, and she started punching me again and tried kicking my face with the ball of her foot. I was furious she was actually trying to hurt me, so I wrapped my legs around her and kept her pinned down. I told her to stop because this was all in front of our child. I let her go, and she kept punching me. I was so mad, I raised my hand and was about to slap her. I wasn't able to do that, so I just punched her in the as* a few times. She then slapped me in the face a couple times. I was about to slap her again, but I couldn't. So I slapped her upside the head The back of her head. She then began slapping me and scratching up my arms. This got me so angry I pushed her back down and told her to stop. She kept trying to scratch me, so I used one hand to push in her adam's apple. She stopped, and I laid back down. She started hitting me again, when our baby made a loud noise, as if to tell us to stop. I laid back down, and she kicked me a couple more times and stopped.

 

I didn't want to do anymore. I was heart broken by this time, and scared too. Not scared because I was getting hurt, but scared because someone I was suppose to trust with all my heart was hurting me. Like her father used to hurt her, she was doing to me. Like her father used to talk to her, she talked to me. She would say demeaning things like "Yeah, we live in this sh*t-hole" and "Yeah, go back to your rat hole". I used to work for RadioShack at one time when we got into an argument. She said "All you do is f*cking work at RadioShack. You greet customers and sell things - your a BIG man!". So I quit my job there. She would just say very demeaning things, and eventually got my confidence down. I started ignoring, started not caring. It was as if I couldn't feel anything at all. The only one person that really got me going was my son. Now, he's not here.

 

After that physical fight we got into (the third one), I told her to leave. She said "I'm not leaving unless you give me full custody of my son. Your stuck with me." Later on that day, she did leave though. Now, I have no one. My son is gone. My ex-girlfriend's father made this gay rule that I have to have my mom pick up my son because I can't go inside the house. I don't even think that's legal because I'm still suppose to have custody of my son. I miss him a lot. It's his birthday this week. The home I used to come home to that was full of noise is now only filled with voices from the TV, and the clattering of my keyboard.

 

I feel so guilty. I don't think I should. I know your not suppose to hit girls, but I got tired of her hurting me - verbally and physically. She told her sister, her dad, and all of our friends back in our old neighborhood what happened. Her version of it at least. Now they all think I beat her or something. She even told my older brother in the Army and he doesn't want to speak with me anymore. I also feel guilty because I feel like I should of spent my spare time trying to make her happy instead of just relaxing (Some days, I only have 1-3 hours for myself). I just feel so sad right now. Everyone's left me - My dad when I was 13, my mom a few months ago, and now my family. I'm just so tired. I'm only 18 and I'm so tired of life. Sometimes, I want to end it but I don't want my son saying "My dad killed himself".

 

On top of that, when ever we got into really big fights, she would always make it seem like I caused it somehow. Not just to me, but to our friends. She manipulated into making me feel so guilty all the time I stopped feeling. I've lost all my friends - mainly because I didn't have time to talk to them. Now I really am alone.....

 

Please, don't say it'll get better. I already know that. I was always the person that told my friends that. I don't want to hear that line. I just wish I could find some girl who could do the rescuing for once. That would be really nice.

 

Well, just getting a load off my mind.

 

P.S - I now have my own mother calling me and practically harassing me. She constantly interrupts me when I explain everything above and says "No, you're wrong!". She called two or three times just to rub it in my face, telling me I'm wrong and telling me to call my ex-girlfriend and apologize. In the other fights we had, my mother always told me to call her and apologize. Now with all those apologies, this is what I've got: a healing wound from the scratches she gave me on my arm.

[habitual_loser]

I don't know the details of all this and I don't want to comment, but I'd hesitate before rushing to judging Exodus for having gotten in a physical fight. Having had an abusive girlfriend in the past physically attack me while I was driving (in fast-moving chaotic Boston traffic) and continue to do so despite telling her to stop until I finally parked at the first opporunity I had, at which point (at length) she stopped. I can definitely say there are people who get enraged at the slightest provocation to the point of violence about things that really shouldn't offend them, and will not listen to reason or the calm protestations of their victim, and paying little if any attention to their surroundings.

[BellaDonna]

All I can say is that I'd glad the 2 of you are not living together anymore. That is not the type of environment to raise a child in.

 

After the first time she attacked you- you should have called the police an filed a report. Hitting back was the worst thing you could have done- (even if it was self-defense) because since you're male- the sad truth is that it's harder to convince others you're being abused-the world is baised- once you hit back it discredits your story even more...because then it becomes a case of "he said, she said" and you both have bruises. In most cases the woman will be believed, even if she was indeed the attacker.

 

I would suggest that if you are concerned about the restrictions placed on you for seeing your son- talk to a lawyer, and if you feel you're entering a depression- talk to a counselor.

 

With time, you're more likely to have your mother believe you than anyone else- so try talking to her in a calm manner (in person and not over the phone) and giving her your side.

 

Like her father used to hurt her, she was doing to me. Like her father used to talk to her, she talked to me.

 

If you feel your ex's father is threat to the safety of your child due to his past behavior with your ex, then that is something to talk to a lawyer about too.

 

BellaDonna

[yokohama_mama]

Sounds like a horrible situation you're in. I agree with BellaDonna, it's best that you're not living together while you're unable to get along. I can understand that her Dad wants your Mom to be the one to pick up your son, since you and you girlfriend had such a serious fight just yesterday, and would probably fight again if you met face to face.

 

From what you wrote in your post, it sounds like the two of you don't know how to speak to each other with basic politeness and respect. Your attitudes to each other are just going to lead you to fight all the time. Even if you're unable to resurrect a loving relationship with each other, for the sake of your son it would be great if you learned just to be civil to each other, since you'll be connected to each other through your son for many years. Maybe you could try some couples counselling; getting some direct feedback on the way you communicate and howe you could improve it might help.

 

It sounds like she has some serious issues of her own which she hasn't dealt with. But even if she's speaking to you in a cruel way, you don't need to respond with cruelty. You could just say something like, "That really hurt." or "That was mean." If you shout, swear and abuse back at her, it will just escalate.

 

You say that everyone's abandoned you, but it sounds like your mom still cares, even if you feel like she doesn't understand the situation correctly and is against you. If you can tell her your side of things without getting angry or upset she'll probably be more supportive. It sounds like you'll need support if you'll be dealing with legal things like custody. arrangements.

[babycristy456]

You both have a lot to deal with, you and your girlfriend. You both are only 18 and have a kid together. That can overwhelm and shift anyone's personality and behavior. What I would do is schedule a very serious conversation with your girlfriend. Do not blame her or accuse her of anything, or get angry, so that she takes you seriously.

 

Although, from the sounds of it, this does not sound like a healthy relationship and most of your "love" ha somewhat faded. But since you are in the situation you are in, I would suggest therapy for the sake of the baby. Remember, just like your girlfriend remembers the abuse of her father, your baby will remember all the fights mommy and daddy had, I know I still do...

 

Let her know that her behavior is abusive and out of control and that you will be happy to seek counseling with her. Let her know how you feel as well so that she does not think you are just calling her crazy, but admit to your own loss of sel-control at times. Being serious and mature is the best way to approach this situation.

 

If that does not work out, I would not suggest giving up full costody of your son underany circumstance, because the type of behavior she inflicts on you, can eventually lead her to inflict it on her baby. That will be the worst mistake you ever make.

 

Good Luck with everything and I hope it turns out for the best.

[jonBravo]

I sympathise with exodus in this situation. I understand what it is like to have a girlfriend that hits you... Girls like this only hit you because they know you are the kind of person not to hit back. I have been brought up really well, and am not the kind of person to hit a girl, let alone anyone.

 

Our situation is that we still live together although we are broken up. She hits me with anything she can get her hands on, and uses really abusive language. She kept me awake the night before a very important exam. I tried to sleep in the bathroom, but the light switch is on the outside and she just flipped it on. I was eventually in tears, and she said, "You are a retard, you could never pass that exam, you are to f**ing thick." She speaks to me like that all the time.. Once I was crying because she was being so hard on me, and she started calling me a faggot for crying. That just made it worse. I wanted to kill myself for a while because she made nasty comments about how I look, and how stupid I am, etc. I don't know if maybe her father used to speak to her that way too, but I can't think of any other reason for a person to talk that way.. (she doesn't seem to realise she does it.) She doesn't clean or cook, and doesn't work. She just lies in our room all day. She won't get a job because she expects me to get one for her. I even typed out her cv during work hours, and she said "This cv is f***ing crap, fix it". That is the way she is to me.

 

I bought her a book to read because she is always at home and she made me exchange it for another book she wanted cos she thought it was 'crap'. I was brought up to be grateful for everything I get. Everythime I try to stand up for myself, she says "You are not going to win this thing... you want to play, let's play". During the beginning of the relationship she used to keep threatening to go to her ex-bofriends house if I didn't do the things she wanted... then I finally met someone recently, so she starts using suicide threats to get what she wants. Anywany, it finally got worse. She tried to stop me going to my final exam because she wanted me to 'give her money to go out drinking'.. My hard earned money and she wants to go party with it. She wouldn't let me out the door. I didn't want to get physical, but I pushed her out the way. She hit the wall, and broke her clavicle (shoulder bone). It was a complete accident, I am not a violent person, and have only ever hit doors when I was frustrated with her, while she always gives me black eyes and scratches all over. She has kicked me in the face and broken my front teeth... She is smaller than me, so no-one would believe me.

 

Now because I am seeing someone new, she has gone to the police, and layed an assault charge (thats what she says) and I don't know what to do. All the times I threatened to go to the police to get a restraining order against her, I didn't because I loved her too much. I don't know what to do, but I can't get away from and she might destroy my whole life if anyone believes her stories. Any advice please... I can take criticism too.. I just want to know what to do, cos at the moment I don't see a way out. She has no money and nowhere to go, and she is also destroying my career at the moment. She also threatens to plant drugs in my room sometimes and call the police... Help Help Help... please.

[yeawutever]

Actually it sounds like both of you are abusive to each other. Good thing ur not living with her no more, no knows wut would have happened, maybe u or her would end up killing each other. Yea like one post was saying if she's physically abusive, he should report her. By you hitting or cursing back, u'll get no one believeing ur side of the story, she'll tell hers and obviously they'll believe her. And no violence is never the answer to problems, it just creates more and it isn't a good environment for your child.

[yeawutever]

Now to jonBravo: You wasted time being with someone who mistreats and has no respect at all. It's not about u being in love and not wanting to report her cuz of that but ur self-esteem suffering and u being in danger. You should have taken it seriously the first time it took place and report it.

[jonBravo]

Hey.. i'm almost out the situation.. u are right, and anyone else who is reading this, you must not make the same mistake i did.. whether you a girl or a guy, if someone you love becomes abusive, report it and get out of it.. they can't love you if they are willing to do that, no matter what they say.. you will lose your self esteem and self respect, and the worse it gets, the more you think you need them.. I have been blessed by meeting the most amazing girl, and if i didn't have her, i wouldn'tve gotten out of this..