Honestly, WHY can't I stop feeling this way?

[xmrth]

Here's two things about my boyfriend that SHOULD NOT bother me, but no matter what I think, or what my therapist tells me, nothing makes me feel better. I know I've posted about this, but after these two things are some "updates" sort of things.

 

First-- him hanging out with friends. It bothers me so much and there's no reason for it. I feel sick with worry though there's nothing to worry about. I try to talk logic to myself, such as yes, I do trust him, and that can help me to feel better. And then I say yes, I have some friends of my own too. But that sick feeling in my stomach and the worry and anxiety will NOT go away. It's like I can't stand him doing anything with ANYONE other than me! And no, I dont' tell him this, and I keep it all to myself to not cause any damage.

My therapist says to me that it's so normal and healthy to do things outside of the relationship and to come back to eachother and whatnot and have that time together.... but no matter what, I can't shake this feeling and it's CONSUMING me.

 

Then there's things I say to him. No matter WHAT I always always always think he misunderstands me and thinks I've said something horrible, so I re-think what I say to him over and over again and I keep thinking of bad or mean words that sound like words I said that he may have gotten confused by.

My therapist reassures me as she teaches a class on relationships as well as her psychology point of view that we have a very good relationship and are very well matched, and that from everything I tell her of him, that he obviousely cares so much about me. So why should I worry about it even if he misunderstands what I say?

 

I just don't even know what to do because I can't shake these feelings.

But I have improved in other areas-- I believe I have the power within me to get rid of these feelings, but it's taking so long and eating me away... I just want to scream; I'm so unhappy and it's like nobody can help me no matter what they say... I don't really know where to turn, and since I've improved with this, she scheduled me for another week from next week so I'm on my own for a bit with this...

[Hope75]

Maybe you need to explore a little more why you feel this way. What are you afraid will happen when he hangs out with his friends?

 

I think a major part of the problem is that you don't have very many well developed friendships yourself that you can enjoy during your free time. Are you working on that?

 

What do you do when he's out with friends? Do you sit at home and worry about him, or do you go out and do your own thing? Shopping? movie?

 

I don't know what to tell you about analyzing every thing you tell him. Are you fighting? What makes you think he misunderstands you?

 

What does your therapist suggest you do when you worry about him so much? Has she mentioned medication for anxiety for you?

[DN]

Has the therapist suggested anything you can do to stop feeling like this? Diagnosis is ok but treatment is required as well.

[suprema99]

hey xmryth, I noticed on enotalone, there's alot of posts that are big on advising counseling, therapists, shrinks etc. There's nothing wrong with that. But I read your post and you kept saying my therapist told me this and that. Your therapist doesn't know anything about you. I would go to family or friends really first when you got a problem. If there's really no one that can help you then yes, go see a therapist, Just a suggestion.

[xmrth]

I'm not really sure why I get so upset when he's out with friends. I suppose I just feel like I should be the one he always chooses to hang around with, however I mostly feel the most intense worry when I call his cell and then his house and no answer on the cell, and one of his parents checks to see if he's home and "he must have gone out." He doesn't go out all the time or anything, it's just that I hate not knowing ahead of time and I hate the uncertainty.

I really don't have many well developed friendships mostly because my friends are all on-campus and they live so far away from me that we can't really hang out. My schedules pretty full with college and work, so I can't fit much else in there for actual activities, but I'm looking into it anyways.

 

When he's out or when I tend to get anxious about him/us, I'm always home. But if I'm at school I feel fine because I'm around people who take my mind off of it. Even if I think about it, I can sort of make it so it doesn't bother me.

We aren't fighting or anything like that. We actually don't fight, but if we ever would it's really not even a fight. But the issue with misunderstandings is always over the phone, sometimes in person, with words like "I'm on break" such as if I'm at work, I get afraid he'll think I said "break up"... or maybe he won't hear me say "bye" on the phone so maybe he'll think I hung up on him... or maybe he'll think that when I say "I'll see you -this day-" that he'll think I cancelled or maybe he's tired of hearing me say it so he'll just not even show up... like tomorrow-- I feel like I asked him too much about it tonight and doubting he wanted to see me tomorrow, even though I always see him Fridays. I won't feel better no matter what until tomorrow when he calls me... if he does... I don't know. I feel like he misunderstood me or got tired of me asking about tomorrow to reassure myself he's coming. I've resorted to not calling him at all until I've called at least once or twice just to check and make sure he's coming. I usually just ask if he's excited about Friday, or if he's looking forward to it just to verify it to myself that he's coming. I never ask him straight out, though tonight I did. I'm just afraid that because I asked "you don't want to come over tomorrow? that he'll thik I'm okay with him not coming over. Basically things like that just kill me and I can't do anything to calm myself down... though I'm thinking "even if he doesn't show up... everything's okay." but I'm still getting the hang of that so it only helps a little. I almost always record on my phone our conversation, though it only records his voice. I don't know if this helps me to analyze his tone so I know he's not mad over something I'm being paranoid of, or if I just overanalyze his tone to the point that I convince myself he's angry (when he's not).

 

My therapist mentioned medication, but as soon as I told her that I don't think I need it, she said "oh okay, okay... alright, no medication" like really quickly and cautiousely. But she mentioned it another time, too. I just don't see how it can help me without a million side-effects... or help me at all. Maybe I don't know how it really works or something, but I don't want medication as of right now. Unless if it would actually work and is made for this exact problem would I ever take it.

 

Sorry this response is so long.

[suprema99]

Hey xmrth, you really like this guy I can tell obviously just by reading. I think your therapist is telling you wrong things. If I had any good advice to telly you, I really think you should get a close friend or family's opinion about this.

[polaris]

These are classic signs of an underlying insecurity; you clearly have a deep, partly-suppressed fear of losing him. Reassurance from your therapist is good, and may be slightly helpful, but I agree with DN: your therapist should also help you to find out where this insecurity is really coming from, and help you develop techniques to get over it. You're halfway there already, by identifying the problem, and having a therapist to help deal with it, so keep going, with a focus on dealing with the insecurity, and you will be able to start feeling better about things.

[xmrth]

I've asked my parents, and I feel like they just don't understand... just not at all. Sort of like if they hear anything negative-- though they love my boyfriend-- they automatically kind of just "side" with me and say I'm right and he's all wrong. I've asked friends but I just don't see what they say is going anywhere. Kind of like they just try to make me feel better, though I really don't like to talk to friends about it. Sometimes I feel like they throw their "wonderful" relationship in my face, though I can honestly say even though I feel this way that mine is so much better and stronger-- which is funny because I think that should be enough to tell me everything's fine... but it's like it's not enough.

I feel like the best advice I can get has been through here because there's so many points of view and so many opinions of people who have been through it and have learned about it... but still that doesn't help.. so then I went to see a therapist, and it's helped some, but it's all still extremely intense.

 

These are classic signs of an underlying insecurity; you clearly have a deep, partly-suppressed fear of losing him.

That's really exactly my problem-- I feel like there's so much uncertainty and no real way of knowing-- which is where insecurity comes in. But no matter what, I can't feel secure about anything at all. We've been together for almost 6 years, and he doesn't seem like he's on his way out at all, but I can't help but feel like anything's possible. Mostly because it has happened to others so it must be even more possible...

[Hope75]

Have you noticed that when you are busy or with friends at school that it's managable? It's when you are sitting at home that it gets the better of you, which is why I think that you really need to work at developing your own friendships so that you have activities to do outside of the relationship as well. If you don't have available friends on a night your boy goes out with his friends, go shopping, or treat yourself to a movie ( a girlie one that he might never want to see). It's important to manage this unnecessary stress in ways that you know work, as in keeping your mind occupied and keeping yourself busy.

 

The things you get worked up about and the level at which you take it make me think you definitely may have an anxiety disorder, and I think you are selling yourself short by not exploring the option of medication for yourself. Wouldn't you like to feel relaxed and confident in yourself, rather than stressed constantly and taping you phone conversations with you bf???? Read up on the side effects of continui

 

If I were you I would bring up the medication to your therapist at your next session and find out more about it before you nix it. Remember, your therapist isn't going to get anything out of you being on medication, she's mentioning it for your benefit, so ask her about side effects, and benefits. Voice your concerns and see what she says.

 

I frankly don't see this relationship lasting if you continue on this way, something needs to change.

[xmrth]

It really doesn't bother me if I'm at school or with people... but it bothers me when I'm home, however most of the time I can't help it because I have so many assignments and need to stay in to do them, and then there is that friends are so far. Friends would be something I'd make time for in the middle of assignments, but then comes that they're too far for it to be worth it and it would get too much in the way.

 

I used to be really anxious but then it went away after reading abook, however it is anxiety I'm feeling.. I suppose it just stayed in this area.

 

I don't even know if I should talk to my boyfriend about it. I feel like if he knows I feel this way with wondering if he misunderstands me then I'll know he'll listen closely or something. But then I'd be afraid of him doing it on purpose, though I really doin't have proof that he would on purpose say he misunderstands me. I wouldn't say anything about him being with friends though.

[dEllInDa]

You need to find some interests to occupy your time & mind . . . . join the local gym, volunteer, go hang out with your friends.

It will build your confidence and you wont feel so insecure.

[Hope75]

Are you willing to discuss medications with your therapist a little more?

[xmrth]

I figure I'll ask about what kinds of medication I can take, what the side effects are, and if I really truly need it. I say that because I don't know if it's for people who feel this way all day long, or for people where it's situational. Mine's situational, but the situations come frequently so it could be like the same thing.

 

I ended up telling him about it last night, and I made him promise he won't joke about it and say he misunderstands me and I hope he won't do it accientally... it's not like him to, but I am that paranoid.

Even after telling him, I am still afraid... he assured me he always understands me and if he thought I hung up on him he'd just call back. Maybe it helped a little-- but like so many things it's going to bother me again just the same, I just know it.

 

Maybe medication would be good... I just absolutely do not want to gain weight from it, and do not want to feel tired or depressed from it. I'd almost rather deal with it on my own than deal with side effects for some reason.