desire for freedom screws up my relationships HELP!!!

[anka]

This forum was helpful to me before, so I'm hoping to get some help from you, guys and girls, now also.

 

Ok, I'll try making it as short as possible:

 

my last relationship lasted 3 years. I was 17 when we started going out, we were both virgin. He loved me to death! Even though there were some things that bothered me during the relationship, the main thing that drove us apart was me being unsure if he is right for me and wanting to hang out and see what else is out there.

 

I talked to him about it many many times, until he got very tired of it, changed his behavior and we broke up. It took me a long time to get over that one. (I wrote about it in my other posts)

 

About 5 months passed and I started dating this other guy. He is much older (8 years older than me, my ex was my age), doesn't have all these things that bothered me in my previous relationship, and is just a great guy overall! We are very alike, we enjoy the same things, and have really great time when we are together. He loves me and I think I love him too.

 

But after about 9-10 months of being together I again think about freedom and feel chocked. I don't see a reason for it. I feel again that maybe I didn't hang out enought yet (I'm 21) and maybe I would be happier being single for some time and seeing other guys. But I feel that I'm wrong in thinking this way, because this is a really great relationship I'm in and I don't want to screw it up.

 

I can't lie, so whenever I think about all this and he asks me what's up, I tell him about my doubts and he gets very frustrated and upset. I'm so afraid that its gonna ruin this relatioship also and I'll regret it.

 

I don't know what to do. I feel like I have a split personality disorder: one side of me wants to be happy in a relatioship wth this guy, and another side wants to move on.

 

What should I do? How can I figure out what I really want? I'm so confused!!! Please help, this takes too much out of me. I can't concentrate on other things, like studying, and I really need to.

 

Waiting for your replies.

 

Thank you

[bleeder]

Hi An'ka,

 

I am sure that each one of us have our own demons to face. Each one of us would always ask that same old question,"what if I am with someone else instead of him or her?". Normally, questions like these would surface when things aren't going smoothly in a relationship.

 

Rest assured in knowing that you are normal. You are not having any traits of a split personality. One thing you'd have to come to terms with is, no one is perfect. Everyone have their flaws. Understanding this, you'd have to make up your mind to love a person for who he is. Flaws and all. Love is a decision, and not just a feeling which many have mistaken it to be.

 

You would also have to weigh out the pro's and con's for now. If being attached is causing you more misery than being alone, then the path you should tread becomes clear.

 

There are many, many guys out there. But if you happen to find a very special one, don't let the numbers faze you. We can't attach ourselves to the world, could we?

 

Having someone who loves you, is better than none at all.

 

Keep us posted!

[anka]

thanks for the kind words

 

I'm also thinking maybe some other aspect contributes to me being unhappy in my relatioships. For example I don't have many friends, and those friends who I had while being single for those 5 months stopped calling me and hanging out with me. It seems that people only need you when you are single.

I have this urge to go out and party my butt of sometimes, but my b/f being so mature and all is not into that kind of things anymore. We go to lounges ones in a while, quiet cafes, movies, each other's houses. But I crave the crazy life, meeting new people, going different places.

 

Yet, I know that most of the time all mentioned above doesn't bring you fulfillment. When you party all night long and then come back to be all alone and no one really cares about you it's tough. So I'm really scared to let the relationship go to just hang out and party. I'm scared that I won't find much fulfillment in that.

 

Maybe someone could give me advice on how I could combine a relationship and nice social life. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Having a b/f doesn't have to mean that you shouldn't have friends and go out, but somehow I don't know how to combine the two correctly. I feel like he will be jealous and uncomfortable if I would do things without him just like I would feel the same if he would do those things.

 

still confused

[bleeder]

You're right about that perspective of personal relationships and your social life. We all need our own space.

 

If he has enough trust in you, I am sure that he would not mind if you do go out with your friends once in a while. Prove to him that you are only out for a good time, and not to flirt or pick up other men.

 

When it comes to friends, quality matters and not quantity. As long as you have one or two close buddies, it's good enough.

 

As far as the "crazy life" is concerned, do talk to him about it. I am sure that he wouldn't mind letting his hair down or choose to rock the house once in a while. We cannot live fully with an uptight "anal lifestyle".

 

 

[anka]

thanks, you are right

 

I'm actually writing him a letter right now while I'm full of these feelings, I feel like tomorrow it will be hard for me to explain what I want. I'm gonna ask him if he feels its possible for us to have more open and free relationship based on trust and honesty. Lets see what he sais.

 

While we are on it I want to ask another advice:

I still see and talk to my ex. I have no intentions of getting back together with him but I love him as my friend and value him being a part of my life. It was his birthday yesterday. I called him and he invited me to come to his party on Friday. I really want to stop by, but I would rather not do it behind my b/f's back. I really value honesty, but I feel like telling him I want to stop by the party is too much to ask for. He is a jealous type. What do you think? Should I be open about it? Forget about going? of stop by for half an hour and not mention it to him?

[habitual_loser]

Good relationships are built on trust. That having been said, jealousy is inevitable, so you might as well get it over with and go see your friend at his party, making sure you're up front about it with your boyfriend.

 

Just don't stay longer than you said you would, go see him afterwords and bring a 'peace offering'. You know, a coke or a chocalate covered strawberry or something. It seems like such a small thing, but stuff like that goes a long way.

 

On the other hand, if it's a stressful time maybe it's not the best time to do things that might break the relationship. Breaking people of their jealousy habits sounds like risky business.

[wierdo]

hey there. i've come back after a while away. i might sound abrasive to you, but my style is honest, not the honest the i think you might want to hear, just honest.

 

my opinion is this.

 

tell your boyfriend you are going, and he is welcome to come. it is your priority to be happy. not to cater to some whiny dude, be it your ex or your current bf, even if they come out with the old pearlers.. "if you loved me you would..." or i don't want you near ... because..." or "you cant bring your new bf because...". Your friends should want you to be happy.

 

as far as you go, it sounds like you like a bit of drama in your life. things are going great with a guy, but you start thinking about what could be better, waiting for "the one"

 

my experience is that when you are waiting for the one, you don't give yourself fully to your current guy. No-one, guy or girl, likes feeling like the back up plan. If you want to be with someone, be with them. don't be saying "if he was only.." or "if he only did this". just appreciate your lover for exactly what they are, and everything that they are not. (mine: great personality.. does not look like brad pitt) lol

 

Write down what you see is the ideal guy.. make the list as lame as you want or lie to yourself as much as you want... then read it out loud to yourself... mine went like this

 

tall, brown hair, loves kids, loves icecream, hates anchovies, makes huge amounts of money, loves only me, the hottest guy on the planet, only he thinks every chick in the world is an ugly one, unless it's me.

 

 

can you see how lame it gets... when you get over having to have everything just so, it allows you to make your own happiness. Then you don't have to feel like you are settling for second best.

 

hope it helps

[DN]

I think if you carry on with your present way of dealing with you boyfriend you will almost certainly end up losing the relationship. If that is what you want then fine, - if you don't I think you need to be very careful.

[anka]

I think if you carry on with your present way of dealing with you boyfriend you will almost certainly end up losing the relationship. If that is what you want then fine, - if you don't I think you need to be very careful.

 

What do you mean by being very careful? You mean like telling him things about me being unsure, or talking about seing my ex?

[anka]

What do you think about me feeling like I have no social life? Do you think it's my mistake and I'm doing something wrong? Or is it because I'm with this particular guy? Ones again, he is very laid back and had his share of partying and he has only few friends who he sees ones in half a year or so. I miss my social life of when I was single.

[DN]

I think if you carry on with your present way of dealing with you boyfriend you will almost certainly end up losing the relationship. If that is what you want then fine' date=' - if you don't I think you need to be very careful.[/quote']

 

What do you mean by being very careful? You mean like telling him things about me being unsure, or talking about seing my ex?

 

Both. You are putting the relationship under great strain. First you tell him you are unsure about the relationship and then you tell him you are going to see your ex-boyfriend. How secure do you think that makes him feel? He may well decide to end the relationship because he thinks you are about to do it yourself.

[bleeder]

Hi An'ka,

 

Since you have met your ex, let be it the first and last time. It is never healthy to be in contact with your ex's, especially so when you are in a relationship now.

 

As for your boyfriend, try to be as open as possible with him. One of my philosophies is 'truth is always the best policy'. Even though it may hurt at times. Keep him posted about your whereabouts, and do ask him if he would like to come along to your social gatherings. He may or may not always decline your invitations.

 

Sometimes, being too serious in relationship can take away the fun and laughter in it. All in all, be faithful and open. Trust needs to be nurtured.

 

All the best!

[anka]

Hi An'ka,

 

Since you have met your ex, let be it the first and last time. It is never healthy to be in contact with your ex's, especially so when you are in a relationship now.

 

As for your boyfriend, try to be as open as possible with him. One of my philosophies is 'truth is always the best policy'. Even though it may hurt at times. Keep him posted about your whereabouts, and do ask him if he would like to come along to your social gatherings. He may or may not always decline your invitations.

 

Sometimes, being too serious in relationship can take away the fun and laughter in it. All in all, be faithful and open. Trust needs to be nurtured.

 

All the best!

 

Why do you think it's not healthy to be in contact with ex's? We know each other really well, and care about each other as people. I know that I don't want to go back together with him. So why is it so bad if we see each other sometimes?

[Itsok]

It's not good to meet up with ex's while you're dating someone new, especially when the relationship is rocky like it is for you now. Not good.

 

I don't mean to sound rude, but it sounds like you just aren't ready for a commited relationship. Maybe you would be better off dating a bunch of people casually and eventually you will be ready.

 

Also, have you been treated badly in the past? You seem as though you get bored in good relationships, and that's a tell tale sign.

[anka]

It's not good to meet up with ex's while you're dating someone new, especially when the relationship is rocky like it is for you now. Not good.

 

I don't mean to sound rude, but it sounds like you just aren't ready for a commited relationship. Maybe you would be better off dating a bunch of people casually and eventually you will be ready.

 

Also, have you been treated badly in the past? You seem as though you get bored in good relationships, and that's a tell tale sign.

 

No, I wasn't treated badly in the past and I don't think that's the problem at all.

 

And why the fact that I see my ex makes you think that I'm not ready for a commited relationship? It's not like I'm cheating on my b/f with him or anything. Sorry, but I really don't see the logic in your advise.

 

Does anyone else think the same as Itsok?

[DN]

Yes, I do. If seeing an ex-boyfriend who still has strong feelings for you upsets your current boyfriend then that is unfair to the ex who may think you want to get back with him and unfair to the current who may think you will leave him. I think you are being somewhat selfish and not recognising that what you want is potentially going to hurt people.

 

You are playing with fire - someone is going to get burnt and it may be you as well as these two guys.

[anka]

Yes, I do. If seeing an ex-boyfriend who still has strong feelings for you upsets your current boyfriend then that is unfair to the ex who may think you want to get back with him and unfair to the current who may think you will leave him. I think you are being somewhat selfish and not recognising that what you want is potentially going to hurt people.

 

You are playing with fire - someone is going to get burnt and it may be you as well as these two guys.

 

wow, thanks, I really don't want to hurt no one, and I guess you're right, I'm being selfish.

Just sometimes I feel like I care about well-being of others too much and forget about making myself happy.

[dEllInDa]

You are only 21. You should be out dating and having the time of your life. Seems to me your current bf is a stick in the mud. Go out and have fun and perhaps you will find someone who likes to do the same things you enjoy.

I say this because......My bf of 6 years and I broke up in Dec 2004, it wasn't until I started going out and having fun that I realized he was a complete bore. I'm a lot older than you and for the first time in my life I'm having a blast dating and having fun. Then I met a great guy who likes to go out and have fun with me and it has progressed into a great relationship of fun and excitement.

So I say drop the bf, go out have fun because life is short, and you will find someone who is on the same page as you.

Regarding contact with old boyfriends..... When you find the right guy You wont want any contact with old boyfriends!!!

[anka]

Hey, thanks for all of your replies, here is an update:

 

(I'm sure some of you will disapprove, but...I did what I felt like at the time)

 

Ok, I talked to my b/f about giving me a little more freedom, and allowing to have a more open relationship in a sense of being able to go out on our own with our friends ones in a while. He agreed to try.

 

So, last night I went over to his house, spent some time with him and then went to see my girl friend, who I didn't see for a long long while. (she also made a mistake to lose most of her friends after moving in with her b/f) My b/f had to get up early so he wouldn't go out that night anyway.

 

So, I came over my friend's house, we were there for an hour or so, caught up with everything, chatted, drank some tea. Then she had her older sister and her husband come from another state to sleep over. When they came her sister wanted to go out, so all three of us decided to go to that lounge where my ex's party was taking place.

 

That's what we did. We came there, told him happy birthday, had few drinks. At first for me it was kind of awkward, and I thought to leave that place, but then we started dancing and having so much fun. Me, my friend and her sister were dancing together all the time, no guys (even though some really tried to get in the middle). We danced a little with the birthday boy, but I didn't let him get too close, so my consciousness is clear. Later on my friend's sister's husband showd up (he is frinds with my b/f) and we danced with him.

 

I had so much fun!!! I was enjoying the company of my girls, and I did not even want to dance or talk to any guys. Some of them were flirting with me but I told them I had a b/f and I'm here with my girls. It felt really good knowing that here I am with my girlfriends having fun and I don't need to think about finding some guy, or worrying about who likes me and who doesn't. I knew that I had a great guy who I'll see tomorrow. And that really gave me a peace of mind.

 

I knew that this was what I missed: just being out with my girlfriends, having fun without anyone watching me. I decided that I will do it more often, and that will probably help me get rid of this problem that I feel about not having a good social life. I understood that having a b/f doesn't mean I have to give up all my friends and social outings.

 

After the lounge I spent a little more time with my friend, we had our girly talk and that felt really good. I was coming home at 3 am and I was sooo Happy!!! I didn't feel bad for going out like this at all. I decided not to tell my b/f that I'm going to see my ex because I knew that he will not understand it correctly yet. I'll give him some time to learn to trust me. Even if he'll find out later, or I'll tell him later myself I'm sure he will understand it, but yesturday wasn't the time. I didn't do anything that I wouldn't want him to do, so I don't feel bad about it at all.

 

I feel really satisfied, and I feel like during this week I understood something about myself that was bothering me for a longest time. I need to allow myself to be happy and do things that I want as long as it's not bad for the relationships. If my b/f cares about me enough he'll have to give me this option of freedom cause otherwise I won't be happy in a long run.

 

You are right, dEllInDa, I'm only 21 so I still need to have my fun. He is 29 and he had his fun long time ago. As long as I'll feel free to have my own piece of social life I think I won't need to break up with this guy who I love very much and look for an adventure somewhere else. I could have my adventure right here, right now, I just need to trust myself and fulfill my own needs.

[DN]

I decided not to tell my b/f that I'm going to see my ex because I knew that he will not understand it correctly yet. I'll give him some time to learn to trust me. Even if he'll find out later, or I'll tell him later myself I'm sure he will understand it, but yesturday wasn't the time.

 

This is not cheating - but it is deceiving him. He may understand why you see your ex - but he may not understand why you decided to not tell him. There is lying by commission i.e. telling someone an untruth directly. There is also lying by commission which is deliberately withholding information that you know the other person should know.

 

If my b/f cares about me enough he'll have to give me this option of freedom cause otherwise I won't be happy in a long run.

 

This is justifying your behaviour by playing the 'if you cared about me you will understand" card. The problem is that he can play that card as well - "If you care about me you would not see your ex behind my back and not tell me about it."

 

You are right, dEllInDa, I'm only 21 so I still need to have my fun. He is 29 and he had his fun long time ago. As long as I'll feel free to have my own piece of social life I think I won't need to break up with this guy who I love very much and look for an adventure somewhere else. I could have my adventure right here, right now, I just need to trust myself and fulfill my own needs.

This is tantamount to saying that only your needs count and his don't matter. That you can have your cake and eat it too. So long as he doesn't know about it you can do what you want.

 

Frankly, I think that either you are too young for this guy or he is too old for you. You need to find your adventure on your own before getting into any sort of exclusive relationship where you have to consider your partner's needs and concerns as well as your own. He needs to find someone who is at the same stage of life as he is and can give him a committed, balanced and loving relationship.

[anka]

Yes, I realize now that I prbly should have told him, or shouldn't have went at all. I'm regreting the part about seing my ex behind his back. I feel like I'm lying to him, and I hate it. I'm not sure if I should tell him about it today, really scared though, not sure what his reaction might be.

 

Yet I know that for me it didn't mean nearly as much as he will think it did. Most of the time I spent with my girlfriends, and enjoyed that part much more than seing ex. For me it was an opportunity to meet friends and to be in a social setting w/o my b/f. It was kind of an experiment to see how I would feel And the most important that I didn't at all want to flirt or do anything with any other guy over there cause I knew that I have a great guy already.

 

I care about the needs of my b/f, but I knew that he will be too upset about it without a need to be. Ones again it doesn't mean nearly as much to me. I knew that he will be worried too much and have a hard time falling asleep and I knew he needed to wake up early and all I wanted to do is to say happy birthday to someone I care about in person.

 

Maybe I'm justifying my behavior, but I feel like I took his feelings into consideration. I will probably tell him today and we'll see what happens.

 

 

I honestly don't think that I'm too young for him. I am comitted to this relationship, I am and always was faithful and would never even think about cheating or doing something that I wouldn't like being done to me.

The fact that I saw my ex to tell him Happy Birthday doesn't mean I can't be good enough for this relationship, or does it?

 

and I don't want to find adventure with other guys, just being able to go out with my friends ones in a blue moon and feeling like I'm am free to have my own social life will fulfill my need for adventure. Is this too much to ask for?

I don't mind him doing the same as long as its just social thing and not going out there looking for another girl.

[DN]

If you are going for a 'girl's night out' that is one thing. But where you go and what you do is another. If he is comfortable with you going to clubs whose main purpose is for people to meet people of the opposite sex, and is sure you are not likely to meet someone else, or have too much to drink and find yourself in an awkward situation then you have nothing to worry about.

 

My concern is the disparate views you both seem to have about 'fun things to do'. There seems to be something of an incompatibility there that gives me concern about the long-term viability of the relationship.

[w3shouldb3lov3rs]

How are things now? 10 months later..

[anka]

How are things now? 10 months later..

 

haha, its only been few days

 

anyway, even though i really decided to tell my b/f about seeing my ex he never mentioned the outing again and i didn't have enough "balls" to bring it up. So I just left it the way it was.

 

Right now my head is really not there anymore. Yesterday I got some really bad news from my ex.

 

He was best friends with this one guy while we were still going out. We all hung out together all the time. We all were pretty close, spending lots of time together.

 

Well, on Monday night that guy passed away from the drug overdose. He was only 21.

 

I was shocked! and still am! We are all shocked!

 

My ex stopped being friends with him after the guy got into the rehab a year and a half ago. So we didn't know anything about him for a while and now we found out about this. It's just crazy!

 

I couldn't sleep last night, this is just too unreal!

 

The funeral is tomorrow and I think I'll go (not sure yet, I'm very scared).

 

Things like this just put your life in a perspective!!!

look at lots of threads on this forum (including mine): people are worried about some little things and we forget to enjoy life while we are still here. We should enjoy and forget about those little things!

G-d, life is so fragile and precious

 

Enjoy your life! I'll try my best to enjoy mine!