Help please... don't know what to do

[gattsuga]

Hi all, I really need some advice on what's happening, and what I should do. I guess I'll start with the background. Me and my ex-girlfriend have been dating for 2 years, and during this time we've had our share of fights and arguments, but overall things were pretty good. She loved me very much, and I loved her. A couple months ago, we broke up due to some emotional baggage I had. I felt awful, and I knew I was doing something terribly wrong when I broke up with her, but I felt I needed to get rid of that emotional baggage that's been hanging around for years. And I believed it wouldn't be fair for her to be with me while I tried to get rid of my baggage. So I ended things between us, and started to get myself altogether, and get my life all worked out. I believe that I couldn't have been a good husband until I have my life set straight, and no past memories haunting me. I don't know why it took me so long to get over my first girlfriend... I tried everything from confronting my first girlfriend, to not talking to her for 2 years, and even ignoring her whenever she tried to talk to me... but nothing worked. Until now, after some discussions with some friends and my pastor and my first girlfriend, I finally was able to move on and I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. After a month of just prayer and self-control, I knew that I was ready to be in a relationship again.

 

I feel like a new man now. My heart is filled with so much love for my ex-girlfriend. I've never felt so strongly for anyone in my entire life. However, when I told her how I felt now, the feelings of hurt and betrayal are still there... and I totally understand this, and I told her that I am definitely going to try my hardest to win her trust back, and show her how much love I have for her now. But, during those two months... her best friend confessed how he felt for her. This friend, we'll call him Greg, told her he started feelings things for her in the last month, and immediately he told her how he felt... I confessed how I felt probably a week after he did. I had no idea that he felt that way until my ex-girlfriend told me a few weeks after I confessed.... (i always had my suspicions he did...). So now my ex, we'll call her Amanda, doesn't know what to do. She doesn't want to lose her best friend, but she doesn't want to lose me either. She tells me she loves me still, but has a hard time trusting me. But she also feels something for Greg now. She sometimes thinks Greg and her connect more, and communicate better. While she thinks we have difficulty communicating sometimes. We were talking on the phone for an hour today, and she keeps telling me how she loves our relationship right now, and how well we're able to communicate and just talk about stuff. I keep asking her why she has feelings for him, and am just looking for answers. But she doesn't know why, and she doesn't know how she feels. I think she's just really confused with her emotions. The last thing Amanda wants is to hurt us.. I know that for sure. She feels really guilty for hurting me and Greg like this... and she would rather have herself hurt than us. But I never want to hurt her again, and I never want to let her go again. I believe we're a perfect match. We are fairly opposite at times, but I think that just compliments one another. She is the sweetest, most loving girl I have ever met. I don't ever want to hurt her again. This would be so much easier for everyone if Greg never confessed... i mean he only felt these feelings for her for a week or two! oh man i really screwed up.

 

So am I too late? Did I ruin what could have been my future wife? She tells me she doesn't want to be with anyone right now... but I'm so scared that she would choose him over me... just because of how I hurt her in the past. She says that this would be so much easier if Greg didn't confess. And she keeps saying how weird their relationship is, like she's just not used to it.. or never expected it. I love her so much, I would do anything for her.... I would spend the rest of my life treating her right and loving her as best a man can possibly love another woman. What should I do?? I don't want to lose her, and I don't want to give her up without a fight. Greg is pouring out all his charms on her, and it looks like it's really affecting her positively.

 

I'm reading about NC a lot on these forums... but is that wise in this situation? Should I NC while Greg is continually pursing her and making her feel special? Amanda keeps telling us that she doesn't want anyone right now, and I am more than willing to give her that space, but I don't think Greg will stop doing all these special things for her...

 

Please help a poor stupid guy out...

[heloladies21]

Well you need to back way off and stop pressing the issue. It's putting a lot of pressure on her and she'll never figure her emotions out like this. Stop worrying about this other guy, you need to worry about you and the way you act. Limit your contact with her, be cool, be funny, but be busy. Give her the chance to chase after you. You let her know how you feel, so it's her turn to come towards you.

 

Start talking to some other girls. It will put you in the right frame of mind and give you options in case things don't work out. Do this if you really want her back, because what you're doing right now surely won't work.

[dreamy333]

throw the ball in her court... see what she does with it. call her tell her hoe you feel tell her when she is ready to let youknow and leave the door open. you cant make her walk through it.

[rnorth]

NC is not the solution in your case but try and actively listen to her. Be there for her, let her know your feelings but listen to her first. Don't panic, especially not in front of her. And don't think of yourself as competing with the best friend, rather focus on your interaction with her.

 

The rest is up to her. She is going to make her choice. Sounds like she is in a tough spot also!

[gattsuga]

yeah... she loves both of us very much... and she doesn't want to lose either of us... and honestly i don't want to hurt her best friend.. cuz he's a nice guy. i'm just afraid she doesn't want to come back to me... and i'm having a hard time just letting her go.

[normal man]

Id be scared myself but like everyone said dont push the issue with pressuring her. Ley her know you want her to be happy and that you have changed and feel you're a better man now and can have a healthier relationship with her again. Than stay away for a bit and allow her to miss you and make up her mind.

 

Also make sure you truly truly do love her and want her and not just worrying more now cause you found out someone else wants her. I know you said u confessed before you knew he did but now that you know dont allow that to cloud anything. Shouldnt be wanting someone when your only agender is to keep her close and keep her from being happy

[gattsuga]

It's weird how our abundance of love has shifted. It use to be her who loved me with all her heart.. now she's unsure. and it's me who's head over heels... I wonder why love is like that. Always see-sawing back and forth... Isn't there a way to balance ?

 

Thanks for your advice people. I'm preparing myself for the worst, and I'm setting my life straight. She told me last night that she doesn't believe my words anymore... but I've been doing so much for her lately... flowers, traveling, theatre, love notes, and most importantly freedom... but it looks like she either can't trust me right now... or refuses to try. i guess if she refuses to even try to trust me again... it's all going to be over.