Low sex drive? Or gay? Or neither?

[catfood]

Hi,

 

My boyfriend doesn't ever want to have sex with me. I'm in my mid-20s and he's in his early 30s. We've been together a year, and the sex has never been frequent or great. Actually, I broke up with him about a month ago, citing that as one of our issues and he promised it would be different.

 

Prior to me actually dumping him though, he refused to talk about it, and when I "forced" him, (bad in retrospect, I know) he blamed it on me and got super defensive (basically labeling me a wh*** for wanting it).

 

So anyway, he finally approached me during our break up and acknowledged that it was a problem. That he was tired, stressed, etc. through much of our relationship and that things would be different.

 

They're not.

 

I have to come on to him, there's little or no foreplay ever, and he never looks at me like he's attracted to me. I can't explain it...but I know that "look" when I get it, and I dont' think I've ever gotten it from him. Or any suggestive touches, or anything.

 

I'm not unattractive. I'm told that I'm quite good-looking actually. 5'4", 130 pounds, semi-athletic, blonde, big chest...

 

I should add that when we do have sex, his eyes are always closed and he doesn't really like to touch me.

 

Is he gay? Asexual?

 

You might wonder what I'm doing in a relationship if I suspect my b/f is gay...but he's so great in every other way I'm tempted to put my needs aside here. I do realize, however, that that's not viable in the long term.

 

Help!!! Anyone?

[DN]

Is there a chance that he was sexually abused as a child - especially by a female?

 

In any event - he needs to see a doctor to see if there is a physical problem and if there is not then a psychologist to see if there is something wrong in that area.

 

Either the hardware or the software has a problem and needs attention.

[catfood]

Thanks, DN, for the good suggestions. Unfortunately there's no chance in the world he would see a doctor, or even discuss it with me. (Unless I break up with him again, which I'd really rather not do.)

 

Ugh, stuck I guess.

 

I really doubt he was abused, but don't know for sure. Oh, and for anyone who might suggest this: he's not cheating on me, I'm certain of that.

[DN]

Chances are that if he was cheating he would be having more sex with you not less.

 

If he has a problem with sex he is going to need help to deal with it. He can't switch on the power if the motor is dysfunctional. So you may have to decide if this is a deal-breaker for you.

 

Perhaps if you say that you cannot continue like this, it would motivate him to seek help. I don't mean that you give him an ultimatum but that you decide what you have to do. Then you tell him and let him take whatever action he needs for himself.

[darkblue]

Chances are that if he was cheating he would be having more sex with you not less.

What's the reasoning behind that?

[novaseeker]

I have to come on to him, there's little or no foreplay ever, and he never looks at me like he's attracted to me. I can't explain it...but I know that "look" when I get it, and I dont' think I've ever gotten it from him. Or any suggestive touches, or anything.

 

I'm not unattractive. I'm told that I'm quite good-looking actually. 5'4", 130 pounds, semi-athletic, blonde, big chest...

 

I should add that when we do have sex, his eyes are always closed and he doesn't really like to touch me.

 

Is he gay? Asexual?

 

You might wonder what I'm doing in a relationship if I suspect my b/f is gay...but he's so great in every other way I'm tempted to put my needs aside here. I do realize, however, that that's not viable in the long term.

 

Help!!! Anyone?

 

He could have some sexual trauma in his past that makes sex problematic for him. That would be the first avenue worth exploring with him.

 

It could also be a sexual orientation issue. I'm slightly bisexual, but very much enjoy sex with women ... but I've read quite a bit about gay men who are in straight relationships and how it manifests itself and some of the things you are saying match that (the lack of physical affection in general, the disinterest in foreplay, a 'businesslike' approach to sex, etc.) ... but that's only an off chance, and you don't want to assume he's gay without some other indication of it, really.

 

I would recommend speaking with him candidly about what your concerns are and see if you can get a willingness from him to be responsive to your needs and/or open about exploring what might be his issues in this area.

[DN]

Chances are that if he was cheating he would be having more sex with you not less.

What's the reasoning behind that?

 

Many people who cheat try to disguise the obvious signs - such as lack of sex with the partner. So they over-compensate. This is especially true if there are no other indications that the marriage is in trouble.

[darkblue]

I have to disagree - in my logic it would seem that a cheating partner would have less sex. As they're 'already getting it'.

[novaseeker]

I have to disagree - in my logic it would seem that a cheating partner would have less sex. As they're 'already getting it'.

 

Well ... sometimes the affair also has the impact of really, really ramping up their libido, so they are more interested in sex, even with their spouse, than they have been in some time.

[dEllInDa]

First thing you are not a wh** for "wanting it more"

Nothing wrong with wanting to be intimate with someone you love and care about. It's a wonderful expression between two people.

Have you asked him what he likes? Does he know what you like? I really do not know what to tell you as far advice. . . . I was with a man that was the same way(once a month), I ended it after a year. . . he made me feel like something was wrong with me, he always had an excuse and his age was one of them,,,,,, then I said to him my Exhusband was 20 yrs older than him and my Ex didn't have any problems........ that bf is still single, no longterm gf (it's been 7 years) never married and a very pretty boy, looks like a movie star. . . . . I felt he was probably in denial and should come out of the closet.. haha gosh I certainly hope nobody I know never reads this site!!! haha