Just found out ex cheated on me!

[sorryJason]

Well, here I am yet again, totally destroyed! I don't know how I can go on, I have been posting on here a while trying to do better and trying to get help, trying to give help.

 

While posting to help people out, I had noticed a specific poster that reminded me of my ex, I had only seen a couple of the persons post, I kind of just wrote it off unitl today, I seen a posting that had to be her! I searched for her user id and low and behold it was her, it had to be! I found out from her post that she cheated on me while we were still together. Now let me say I can kind of understand why(from the abuse) and she thought I had cheated on her(Not true)but it hurt me so bad, it was the first time I actually have gotten angry since she broke up with me.

 

I ended up phoning her, and asking if that was her posts, and if she had cheated on me. She said no to both, which I know is a totally lie, she is dating the guy now, and I know she is lying because she is scare of me(which I do understand why)but after calming myself down, I phoned her again and tried to get a straight, truthful answer from her, which she wouldn't give me. I talked to her calmly after a while of being upset. I told her how hard it has been for me and I hope she has a good life, it ended well, I guess. I told her I loved her, friendly way, (I know part of that is a lie) but she would not say it back(and yes I understand why, she doen't love me and I now know she probably never did).

 

 

I know what everyone will say here, please don't say it, please I need someone to tell me how to get over this pain! I know I hurt her and I derserve this pain, and more, but I can't believe she would cheat on me. I guess I never really knew her. I have found out that she has a "cinderella syndrome" and she is just moving on to another "prince charming" she doesn't realize she has a problem, and she probably never will. I really don't care if she reads this, I have always know she posted on here and I don't look for her posts, and she will know my user name by name, that is one reason I never changed my userid along time ago, because after a while I didn't want her to read these posts, it was just hurt her, so I thought if I left my userid the same, I was being honest to her and everyone else, so if she saw my userid, she could just not read those posts, I guess not!

 

I am all messed up now, I feel so hurt, the anger has subsided and I feel like I am going to cry, but I can't I am at work, so I would have to go home from being so destroyed. I need someone to talk to, I phoned her mother and talked to her, it really helped talking to her, but I don't want to do that because I know it is wrong. Should I be selfish and talk to her mom to get through this again? I know everyone will say no, I can't take this anymore, I think I will just kill myself and be done with thise pain. If I do, it will just get rid of one more abusive piece of crap in this world anyways. I can't take this pain anymore, someone please help me. I don't need all this extra stress, after the last 2 weeks or nightmares, and trying to fix my abusive ways. I have nothing left anymore, I am done. I am just a terrible person and no one could ever love me, all I do is hurt the ones I love.

 

Goodbye cruel world, one less devil in the world now.

[Hope75]

Are you seeing a counselor on your own besides your group?

[HajiMaji]

ouch.

 

Well - i am going to suggest a break for a few days. You are in too much pain to do anything right now. Pain is important, but you are in schock right now.

 

Watch some movies or play some video games for a few days and come back to look at your feelings. I am sorry you are hurting so much.

[DN]

Jason, calm down and put this in perspective. It must hurt to know that she cheated and that is very hard to deal with.

 

But the fact is that she is still your ex. You now know more about your relationship in the past but that does not change the present or the future. She has left you and moved on and you have to get to grips with that fact. That is why you need counselling - to put all this into perspective, deal with your issues and become a whole person. That is the only way that you can get past this, get on with your life and form a healthy relationship - with someone else.

 

Killing yourself is just another form of abuse and you swore you would not be abusive any more. Keep your word and regain your self-respect.

[sorryJason]

Thank you for all your replies, I would never kill myself, that would just me that all my struggles have been for nothing, thank you 2cute2bstressed, for you pm! I really need help, I am smoking myself to death, I have not mentioned this on here, because I don't want anybody to know, my whole family doesn't even know, but I have lung cancer and it has been in remission for a while now, I know smoking is probably just another form of abuse, I do it because whenever I was stressed in my life before I would smoke, so now I am super stressed!

 

I know I need to cry, but I can't right now, as I am at work, I know my ex has moved on, and it is I know it is easier for her than me, because she doesn't have to deal with all my crap, she even said that. I have tried to move on too, but I have only had one other relationship before my last ex, and it took me 3 years to get over her, and I wasn't even completely over her.

 

Please God, just let this pain go away! I can hardly concentrate on work, I just need someone to hold me

 

I am a man of my word, I will never abuse anyone, but why is killing myself abuse? It would make sure that I would never abuse anyone ever again right?

 

Yes, I am still seeing my conselour, but she actually just moved away last week, so now I have to find another one, which isn't easy as I have never had such a good conselor as her, oh well.

 

I will survive, I know other things in my life are going really well, but I thought I was done with this, I thought my ex wasn't posting her anymore, I think she is doing this just to hurt me. She knows I am posting here, why would she want to post her too? She has a different site, she has all her new friends to talk to, why does she need to come here and destroy me?

 

I guess I derserve it.

[Hope75]

When did you get diagnosed with lung cancer?

 

How did they treat you for it?

[Thorn]

sorryJason, you've been posting on these forums for months now, swinging between wild anger and depression. Of course your ex is scared of you. You need to seek some professional help and worry about yourself rather than her for a while. Maybe she isn't the problem here.

 

If you really care for her you must realise what you are doing to her when you're like this. If you care for her you'll work through your own problems, fully and completely, before trying to get her back. Maybe, after what you've done to her, you'll have to accept that you've lost her for good.

[sorryJason]

Thanks Thorn, I really needed that right, now you are such a big help! I don't think I have been "swinging between wild anger and depression" but if you think that them you have every right to your "opinion"

 

If you have really read all most posts, you would see that almost every single one has been trying to get better, or trying to help others get better. Please correct me if I am wrong, please show me a post where I show "wild anger" I think I have done quite well without being angry, and where I have tried to be anger, I have only done it because the book I have read about getting over your ex has told me to get anrgy at them, to remember all the times that made you upset. I do understand why my ex is scared of me, I know it will take a long time to get over my anger issues, and I don't ever expect her to allow me back in her life.

 

It is people like you who set people like me back.

 

Once again, thanks for you "help" in my time of need. I am sorry if this post seems angry, but I don't believe in kicking someone when they are down. Which I am very much right now, down. I have notice that you were lurking on here and this is your first post, it is nice to see that it was such a "helpful" one.

[sorryJason]

I am sorry to all my friends on enotalone! I am in a bad place right now, I have been doing kind of ok lately, but just had a big kick to the groin and it really hurts, I really don't agree with some posters on her, I think people come on here to get help, not to be hurt again, we should be here for each other, not hurting each other more than we already are, am I right?

 

I just want to thank all the awesome people on this site, who are helping me so much, 2cute2bstressed,newts, saltwatergirl, and especially 2cute2bstressed and PartlySunny you are all awesome! Everytime you pm me or post a reply to me, I get the encouragement I need to keep my head up and to keep struggling through this. I only hope to help you all as much as you have helped me, I don't think I could ever repay the debt I owe to you all, but I will try if you will let me!

 

Thank you all for your help. I am sorry if I have upset anyone with my upset post. I guess I am not perfect, and I have had a setback, but I will use this as a learning experience and move forward.

[Hope75]

When did you get diagnosed with lung cancer?

 

How did they treat you for it?

[Hope75]

Jason,

 

I have to agree with Thorn on this one. If you are looking for an example of anger, just read the post you retorted to him!

 

This thread you posted awhile back was pretty angry as well:

 

link removed

 

I don't think Thorn is trying to upset you, and part of posting on this forum is accepting that people may try to provide insight to your behaviour that you may not notice yourself. You don't have to agree with them, but it is part of posting on this forum that there will be a variety of opinions offered.

 

You have definitely had some highs and lows here at Enotalone, but that is not a judge against your character, it is merely an observation by another reader.

 

We would all like to see you recover from this and be able to productively get on with your own life, successful and happy. Different people have different ways of approaching that and I think Thorn brought up some valid points. It's perfectly OK for you to vent here, it's better that you do that and get it off your chest than act out in other ways, and I think you will agree with me on that.

[sorryJason]

Did you actually read the post, again, as I said, I was trying to get angry at my ex so I could stay away from her, as my break up books said to do, geez some poeple just don't read my post, do you all skim the posts?

 

Please re-read the post, and really read it this time, I was trying to say all the bad things about my ex in order to move on,

 

I am taking a break from enotalone, I will still talk to a few people who are offering me real support, but I think no more posting, or checking posts, I don't need this right now.

 

I think what most of you have to realize is that I am dealing with 2 big issues right now, the break up of a 6 year relationship to the woman I was going to marry, and my abuse issues, either one would be hard enough to deal with, but I have to deal with both of them at the same time. Try to see it from my shoes.

 

I think I am doing a great job of it, I know I will get through it, and I would like some encouragement, not being told that I am an angry person, hurtful posts help no one, right? Please keep that in mind when posting!

 

I know I was acting crazy last night, and I have done my excercises in my abuse and anger books last night, and today I am going to do my selp-hypnosis disc, and go to the gym. I got diagnosed with lung cancer about in August, but they weren't sure, I am currently taking a new cancer drug, made especially for lung cancer, the last time I went to the oncologist, it was in remission, the doctors don't know what to make of it, because my body is really fighting the cancer, they say I am a "special case" that is why they wanted to try the new drug on me. I don't really like talking about it, I try not to think about on a daily basis, I have read that if you believe in faith healing you should just go on with your life, and let God heal you. If you are the best person you can be, God will heal you, I have let anger posion me and that is why I have cancer, I have to try to be the best person I can, and then I will be healed.

 

I am sorry to be leaving, but I will probably be back soon, just as soon as I can get back into a good place again. I am sorry.

[Hope75]

Jason,

 

Personally, I did not mean to attack you or be unsupportive. Yes, I read your posts. Yes, I read them in detail. Yes, I still feel as though there is alot of anger there. I still am standing by the fact that this is an observation made by me and also by Thorn, and not a judgement on your character.

 

I believe that despite my own situation of having been abused seriously in my past, that I have been very supportive of you, and have been talking back and forth with you for quite some time. I stepped up when you first came on here and have talked at length with you. I took my time to offer you support and advice. I am sorry if you do not see it that way.

 

I understand that you are dealing with alot right now. I have been on the other side of the fence myself, dealing with the end of a 5 year live- in relationship with my ex fiance and also having to deal with the fact that I escaped with barely my life. I know this is a hard thing to deal with, believe me I do.

 

I also understand then when I post on this forum there will be various insights and opinions offered to me. I may not agree with them all. I was merely defending what Thorn said when he said that you have had ups and downs emotionally on Enotalone. He may have used a little more tact in the way that he addressed you, but your reply to him was obviously spiteful and upset as well, (as in your use of quotes for his "opinion") and your quote of:

 

It is people like you who set people like me back.

 

Do you suppose he might interpret that as hurtful?

 

Maybe you should keep that in mind when responding to someone who took the time to answer your thread.

 

You've had alot of support here I think, from myself included, but there will be times when you will be judged and commented on. That is part of the beauty and consequence of free speech, and the right of everyone to have an opinion. You offered up your story to us. You asked for advice and opinions. Some may not be as supportive as you would have liked, but you asked for them when you posted here.

 

It is hard for us, the readers, to know what your intentions are when you post a lengthy and clearly emotional thread as you did in this one, which you believe I did not read:

 

link removed

 

That does not mean we need to be discounted for offering up insight we might have found based on it.

 

I wish you all the best in your recovery.

[sorryJason]

As usually, you are right hope, I am sorry I was so angry in my last posts. This whole situation just shows me I have a lot of work to do still, I could blame it on the fact that I have not have my group for 2 weeks now, but that would just be another excuse.

 

I have done my hypnosis and I feel a million times better now, I guess I have to make it more of a priority from now. I really do want to get better, and now in retrospect it was actually good that this whole situation happened because it showed me that you can't just fix yourself in a couple months, it is going to take me a long time to totally fix myself.

 

It kind of scares me to re-read my posts, but I know I have a lot of work ahead of me, I am glad my ex didn't take me back, I mean, I got that upset over a simple post! I have to have more control over myself. I can't let things upset me so much.

 

I am sorry Thorn that I posted such a angry post back at you, I hope I didn't scare you off from posting in the future.

 

I have been listening to a good song lately, just some lyrics that I really can identify with:

 

When you try your best but you don't succeed

When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

 

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

could it be worse?

 

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix (me)

 

And high up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

 

excerpt from Fix you, by Coldplay

 

I hope you all can forgive me for my anger. Thank you all for posting. Thank you for giving me a splash of water in the face when I needed it. I think it is good that I post on here when I am angry though, right? I think it is better than getting my anger out in other (bad ways) I guess I am still in the anger phase of the break up cycle. But I am still going to work on myself, to be the best person we can, is all that God can ask of us. You are not who you are born, you are what you make yourself. I can change myself, into a better person, I know this, I have changed my life so much in the last 2 years alone, I must keep growing into a better person.

[PartlySunny]

sorryJason, you've been posting on these forums for months now, swinging between wild anger and depression. Of course your ex is scared of you. You need to seek some professional help and worry about yourself rather than her for a while. Maybe she isn't the problem here.

 

If you really care for her you must realise what you are doing to her when you're like this. If you care for her you'll work through your own problems, fully and completely, before trying to get her back. Maybe, after what you've done to her, you'll have to accept that you've lost her for good.

 

I don't think either one of you meant any harm here. But I can understand why Jason may have felt so frustrated. Because, he IS getting help. He is doing tons of work. He knows he was the problem. He knows he hurt her. Yes, of course he cares for her and thereforeeee he IS working through those issues. What I'm trying to say is, that he is doing everything he possibly can to get to a better place, and it's hard doing that, and it's frustrating when people don't recognize how hard you are trying, how much effort you put into your growth to become a better person.

 

And even though he was abusive, it doesn't mean that she can do no wrong and he has no right to have feelings or be angry. God knows, I have gotten plenty angry enough to spit nails - but that's ok. That's what this board is for. It's a healthy place to express your anger. Rather than taking it out somewhere else.

 

I only wish MY ex would have done half the things that Jason has done. If my xbf could even acknowledge his abusiveness, it would have been a fine start.

 

Jason, I hope you keep posting, and I hope you keep venting. You have every right to be angry if she cheated. You are human. It hurts, regardless of what you did or did not do.

[sorryJason]

Hello Everybody!

 

Just thought I should post again while I am feeling OK, don't always want to be the dark cloud on this forum, plus I think it has been a while since I have posted!

 

Things are going ok, I guess, I still think about my ex quite a bit. I am finally starting to get over some of the guilt, I think maybe it is due to the fact that I found out my ex cheated on me before we broke up, or that she had a new guy already lined up before we broke up, or maybe, just maybe I am starting to forgive myself and dealing with a lot of issues, and realizing that my ex wasn't the perfect person I keep remembering her as.

 

I went to my first rebuilding after a relationship ends group, and we are using the book "Rebuilding: When your Relationship Ends" by Bruce Fisher, and man! has that book ever taught me a lot! Just reading a some stuff out of it, I realize that I am truly better off without my ex. I am doing a lot of work on myself and I will end up better off in the long run, she has jumped into the same type of relationship again, because she can't be without a relationship.

 

I am still learning a lot about myself, but one thing I have read that I think everyone should know is that it is perfectly normal to want a relationship and even strive to have one, but you should realize what you are prone to go for in a relationship, (eg unhealthy relationships) and try to fix that problem. I have realized that I try to get into unhealthy relationships, I try to have the relationship my parents had(which was very unhealthy) but now I am starting to realize what a healthy mature relationship is supposed to be. Suprisingly, I was actually making changes in my last relationship that would have led to a healthy relationship, eg pushing my ex to be more independent, have our own times for ourselves, learning and growing together, but there was a lot of unhealthy things that both SHE(which was hard for me to believe before) and I(some obvious, some not)were doing and thinking in our relationship.

 

One thing that really makes me proud of myself is that I have not jumped into a new relationship right away, I am learning from my mistakes, and I will not let history repeat itself again! I guess it may be easier for me, because I usually take a long time to heal after a relationship and I am realizing that I should take pride in that fact, it means that relationships are very deep for me, when I fall in love, I fall hard!

 

I am glad my ex broke up with me, I realize now we didn't share the a lot of the same values, and she changed herself to what she thought I wanted, instead being her own person. She has a problem with that, which I hope that one day she fixes, for her own good. I do feel like going on about my ex, but since she feels the need to read these posts, I don't think I will at least not today.

 

I am sorry if this is a little disjointed, I am writing this from work (again!) between calls! It seems like this is always the best time for me to post here, weird huh?

 

I encourage anyone have a hard time with a break up to read that book, and go to groups that deal with breakups, especially if you are having a hard time with it, or if has been a long break up, it helps to have other people who understand your situation and are willing to listen or talk with you about your feelings!

 

 

Sorry for the long post!, Thanks again to all, especially you PartlySunny! Thank you for seeing my point of view, and seeing how much work I am doing, I hope one day to update you all when I start a new and healthy relationship or better yet get married!

[2cute2bstressed]

hey jason i've been reading a few of the posts and first let me say I AM SO PROUD OF YOU! I do agree with you and i also believe that when people come to this forum most do so with a broken heart and raging emotions and anger and they come to seek a helping hand or a encouraging comment and even a wise word here and there, thereforeee i believe that people should choose thier words very careful when responding to post....i do believe you responded very well and accurate to thorn considering your situation and emotions, i also think that no matter how many times you feel to ramble on and on about your ec you should feel FREE do so , that is the center of your heartache and pain so it's almost impossible to get over pain without reliving the source of it

 

overall, stay strong and stay focused and maybe you can post more often and let us know how the classes are going...im so proud of you ..stay positive and stay calm...keep in touch