I know better but my heart doesn't

[frecklegirl]

I have been reading this forum for a couple months now and as soooo grateful I found it.....after finally becoming a member I am posting and need advise/help/my head examined!!

My by and I of 4 yrs. have broke up more times than I can count! We are both from dysfunctional lives in so many ways. We had this amazing Passion physically for each other that does not come around very ofter. I loved him so crazy.

 

I will try to keep this too the point, but plz bear with me as this story is complicated.

 

We dated while living in the same city for 2 yrs. Then I moved away and have lived in another state for 2 yrs. He wanted to come live with me. I stalled and stalled, saying I was trying to get a job back there. Really I knew our relationship was so volatile (verbally) at times and my children (teenage) did not like him due to our many breakups and yelling matches!

 

We kept seeing each other during this time apart. We would fly back and forth for weekend visits. He kept telling me to S*** or get off the pot as far as living together.....I wanted him but knew in my heart it was scary to think of breaking up again and living together....but I still kept trying to be together. He said he did not want a long distance relationship.

 

He then started with an online dating deal and found someone about 10mi. from where I live! he started to come down here and stay with her. He would IM me, call me, even come by in her car to my house! We kept "sneaking" out to see each other and have slept together someone during the last 7 months since this breakup. I am the other woman now! I hate me for this.....he is cheating on her and I allow it!!

 

This new woman will allow him to live with her, go to school ( he is 38) and support him. I guess that always bugged me....I did not want a stay home man, so I was resentful of this.

 

He says he is not in love with her yet, but maybe it takes time. He loves me and has never desired someone this way, but says he has not faith in us and if he tried again he is too afraid we would break up and then says "why should I risk losing this other thing" it almost feels and he says this is his way out of his current situation where he lives, no job, no car, little money. He has tons of potential.

 

I say him yesterday at his home in the other state. We left horribly. I said i could not do this anymore. He turned it into something like "well you know the situation", I said tell me I am imagining our feelings? he said no, we do feel passion and love, but he is too afraid to try again.

 

Bottom line, it looks like I will get a transfer/promotion with my job and be back there. He is scheduled with the new gf to move in with her at the end of the month...he sortof of said if he stays in the state he is in now, it has nothing to do with me....screaming this at me. I left nearly "begging" us to try again.....I sent an e-mail this morn, saying how I push his buttons and wish it were different.

 

He tells me I frustrate the F*** out of him! That the best times ever and the worst have been with me!

 

I have to quit losing all dignity....SuperDave where are you? Everyone thanks for readhing this lenghty post. My heart aches so bad for us, yet I can't let go even after he says he is with another.

[/b]

[metallicachica247]

i think you need to respect what you kids need as they were there first and they are yours.

[frecklegirl]

Everyone, sorry for all the typos etc. in my post....I am losing it!!!! drinking too much wine and WHINING over this man!