Why am I like this?

[KellyWyndham]

Hi, have a problem and wondered if anyone else has gone through this because it's really affecting my life.

Basically, I'm 16, have slept with 8 people and only one of them was a boyfriend. My sister said that 8 was alot for my age and that she's disappointed in me.

The thing is, I honestly don't know when and why you should have sex with someone! I'd have sex with someone just because I was attracted to them, is that wrong? And to be honest I would like a boyfriend 'cos I've had too many casual things with guys. When I meet guys, they act so into me and text and call me constantly for days. And eventually we'd be like a couple for a while, having sex alot. Then the guy would start being kind of distant and that would be it. No more texts or calls. I've had my heart broken through this so many times. Am I doing something wrong? I don't want any more casual things or one night stands, but I think maybe I'm giving it away too easily. I honestly just want love and stability but I've never been able to find it because guys just get bored of me after a month or so. Is there a time you should wait before going all the way with a guy or just when it feels right? Do guys do this because they think I'm cheap? Please help, how can I change this?

[Imisshersomuch]

hey i know what your going through.. i mean i might be 18 now only 2 years older then you but i mean and not to scare ya or anything im just here to help you im gay and i have slept with alot of girls or w/e but what you should do is not give your self in so fats and easy when you meet a guy wait for couple months see if you actually like this guy.. Cause i mean i have nothing against guys but most of them now and days just do it for sex they dont care about the girl.. cause i mean in the gay world there is girls like that too. but what im getting at you said you want love wait for while before you go out with someone i mean go on dates before.. go out before you guys hook up or anything.. see if you like the guy first cause all honestly all girl should get someone that will treat them good.. i mean i know its prolly grossed to you but i treat the girls im with like gold.. i wait till they are ready.. i take them out on dates and actually get to know the person before i sleep with them ya know.. so just take it nice and slow just dont jump into so fast.. take time get to know him..make sure hes the guy you really want.. if you need to talk just pm me.. im here for anyone i would like to help people through things.. cause im not gonna lie i been through alot like that.. but after years people change... so there just some lil advice for you... ok have good day and be careful...

[Rickster]

There is no exact time to tell whether you should sleep with that person. Im 17 and only slept with one girl. So if you're 16 and slept with 8 then thats alot.

 

I think they should show their commitment to you first. Are they willing to hold on to you. Do you feel secured that he will stay with you. How well he treats you? DO you trust him? I think the biggest question is trust. No matter what happens to you will they care for you? And all of this takes time to find out so normally don't just jump into bed.

[coooolsome]

Dont have sex so early in the relationship. Some guys are like that but there are guys out there that if they truly care about you will wait. Next guy you go out with, give it like a couple of months before you do anything except making out. If they get pissed then drop them. Give sex like 6 months. I only say this because you are young sex should not be expected so early. My first girlfriend had sex with me 8 days into the relationship. We lasted 1 month, not b/c I had sex and was done but b/c I just lost interest. My last girlfriend and I had sex 1 year and 1 month after we started going out and we lasted for 4 years and 1 month. If they really care about you, then they wont care that you wont have sex with them for a while.

[Rickster]

Dont have sex so early in the relationship. Some guys are like that but there are guys out there that if they truly care about you will wait. Next guy you go out with, give it like a couple of months before you do anything except making out. If they get pissed then drop them. Give sex like 6 months. I only say this because you are young sex should not be expected so early. My first girlfriend had sex with me 8 days into the relationship. We lasted 1 month, not b/c I had sex and was done but b/c I just lost interest. My last girlfriend and I had sex 1 year and 1 month after we started going out and we lasted for 4 years and 1 month. If they really care about you, then they wont care that you wont have sex with them for a while.

 

Thats true

[Itsok]

Personally I think that's way too many for your age already.

Don't give sex so early in a relationship because if you give everything at once, there's nothing to 'look forward to,' if you know what I mean.

 

You should be spending more time doing date type things, like going to the movies, out for coffee, etc. You don't need to have sex with every man you date, you're still really young!

 

I'm 26 and have had 5 partners because I refuse to be in any sort of fling. I will only have sex with someone I have long term relationships with. When you have that sort of standard, you won't attract men who are only in it for the sex.

[Taomagicdragon]

You see, moderation is the key to any romance. Think of a fire, appropriate with the passion of love. If you feed it too much fuel, you smother it and the flame dies out. The same with love, do too much too fast, you smother the relationship.

 

Another thing, many times people get together just for the physical activities. In that case, after they have had it, they no longer feel the need to maintain the relationship.

 

In short:

 

A relationship built on physical attraction alone is never enough.

 

As for you, I recommend, at such a young age, to not deal woth relationships and get back to your studies and improve your life and yourself. Get to know yourself better, find some real friends you can get with on a mental and emotional level that will get you through tough times ahead. After you have worked on yourself, your own value, and have strong, solid friendships with both genders, you can move on into the realm of relationships.

 

In short:

 

Take care of yourself first.

[KellyWyndham]

Thanks so much. I feel sorry for other girls my age because you're really niave and you want guys to like you. Guys take advantage of your vulnerability and you end up doing something you regret. It can really mess up everything, your thinking, reputation, sense of self worth. I've been really confused and down about it. An ex boyfriend always used to tell me that sex wasn't a big deal and he didn't get why girls 'held off' so much..at the time I thought he was right. So in future, if a guy asks me why we can't have sex yet, what do I say? That I don't want to until I can trust him?? Awkwardness..

[CATLOVER]

Kelly, hiya!!!

 

Good on you for asking for advice for a start, you are obviously an intellegent girl and you obviously are not feeling quite right about the pattern thats been happening and your looking for some answers.

Firstly doesnt matter whats been happening or happened, its done now and you have learnt first hand the way to a guys heart is not through sex. Men need to first find out if they like you as a person before they start developing any feelings for you. Thing is though if the sex is up for the offering they will usually take it.......and thats completely natural BUT it doesnt mean they will be wanting you for a girlfriend. Girls on the otherhand usually get attached once they start being so intimate with a guy......so basically all having sex so quick leads to is a hurt girl.

What you need to do now is back off having sex so quick....go out with guys to places and have fun with them...decide within yourself how far you are happy to go with a guy....for instance you might decide that you are happy to only kiss for a while until you feel that he is there because he likes you and wants to be with you. If a guy asks or starts towards sex...all you need to do is tell him that you are not ready to go that far yet. If he likes you he will respect that and wait....if that makes him flee then good, he wasnt worth you any way...and better to know before hand than after. Dont ever have sex to keep a guy around...that will not work ever....oh it will keep him around...but for about 5mins

Anyway Kelly its more an issue of Protect yourself.....Physically of course but Also Emotionally.......as a young beautiful intellegent woman....you have alot to offer and it is worth alot.......so only give it to those deserving.

Best Of luck

[Taomagicdragon]

So in future, if a guy asks me why we can't have sex yet, what do I say? That I don't want to until I can trust him??

 

 

Exactly

[KellyWyndham]

Well I'm so stupid. I did it again, I'm just so weak, I can't stop myself. Went out with friends last night, went home with the hottest guy in the place so I was pretty happy. He was so sweet but really eager to get in his room. I told him 'By the way I'm not having sex with you.' and he said that was fine, but then he actually just acted like i'd never said it at all, taking off my pants etc. I kept saying I couldn't but then I just gave in and we did it. This morning lying in bed I thought 'Ok, that was bad of me, but he is like the hottest guy I've ever seen so this is an exception.' Plus, he was really nice and funny, I was so attracted to him. We lay in bed for ages kissing and cuddling but then to my surprise, I left and he didn't even ask for my number! I can't believe it! Now I'm really depressed. This pattern is gonna go on forever and before I know it I'm gonna be an old slapper who nobody wants The thing that really cuts me is that my best friend also slept with a guy, but he DID take her number and he DOES want to see her again! Is there something about me that just screams 'I'm one night stand material'?! I don't want that, I can't take this feeling anymore.

[Rickster]

Sounds like you can't control yourself. Well, it's all in your head. We can only keep telling you on words and text, but it's only up to you to think about it and implement things. It's like a smoker, you can only tell him not to smoke, the rest it up to the smoker.

 

Plus it sounds like you don't want to be in a real relationship? If you did, sex wouldn't come into your own mind first. What would come into your mind would be how he treats you, does he care for you, and whether he would stay on for you.

 

I guess when a guys asks you for sex, you could simply say, "Im just not ready for that yet".

[novaseeker]

Eh ... you will be treated as you want to be treated.

 

If you hand out sexual favors like candy to teenaged boys (or to men, for that matter, as you get older), yes, you will be seen as 'one night stand material', and you'll be treated like that. You won't have any difficulty finding all the sex and hookups you want, even with attractive guys, but I'm telling you that no guy who ends up having sex with you basically right after he meets you is going to be interested in a relationship with you. Why? Because he assumes you are in it for the sex, like he was (there's nothing else there when you've just met someone, after all), and he also assumes that you do that all the time, if you did it with him (and honestly, in your case, he'd be right!), and that's not attractive at all for a relationship partner.

 

Do guys (esp immature ones, but not only them, unfortunately) have double standards in terms of it being okay for them to sleep with someone who is looser sexually, but wanting a gf who is not like that? You bet they do. Is it fair? No, it isn't, but it's life.

 

Again, you'll be treated how you wish to be. If you continue to act that way, boys will treat you like that. If you change the way you act, so will they. So it depends on what you really want. Do you really want the quick, gratifying but fleeting hookups whenever you want them, or do you want a relationship? You have to decide, really, because the two are really totally incompatible.

[Taomagicdragon]

Avoid goign to these thigns until you cna take control of yourself. When you tell a guy no and he persists, then leave. It's takes work, but you CAN do it.

t

In short: I know you're no weak, so stop acting like it.

[combat_barbie]

I have to disagree with most of these people so far. I mean this is a fairly one sided forum. You shouldn't feel bad about sex I mean I think many people are being very narrow minded. Theres no maximum number of guys you should be with. I mean you should do whatever you like. If I guy loses interest in you because you had sex with him he's just a jerk. I had sex with my last boyfriend the day I met him and we were together for 14 months. now granted that doesn't happen a lot so it wouldn't be the best method of getting a boyfriend but so what. I don't think you should feel bad about having sex with guys just because they are hot and no it doesn't make you "looser sexually" or anything like that. You are free to do whatever you want and I really hope you don't feel like a sl** for it. Think about who would be a regular on a forum about emotions..well a lot of the time it isn't your average guy so don't take these comments to heart.

 

That said it does sound like you want a boyfriend, hopefully not because you think you need one but because you truly feel like having commitment. i.e. not being able to go out drinking and flirt with whomever you like and date whomever you like. There is a really simple answer don't pick up guys at parties where everone is I assume drinking. It lowers your odds. Talk to guys is class the environment of a party turns most guys into sexual predators they aren't thinking of you the same way they would otherwise.

 

Have fun with your life your only young once.

[Rickster]

You can do whatever you wish, you don't have to listen or you can listen. We were just only telling you what you could do from the problem you dislike. Up to you how you want to accept it.

 

You can live life like how combat_barbie said, no problem. But you said it was a problem to you so we were helping oyu out.

[KellyWyndham]

Again, thankyou so much for these replies, I really appreciate it. It's true that it's all up to me to stop the pattern, but obviously if I haven't been able to break from it so far then chances are it's going to be very difficult. But I should have, I know. I actually just cannot say no. I was thinking about it all morning and I've realised I do this for reasons:

 

1. I think it will create deeper intimacy

2. I'm afraid of rejection if I say no

3. I get physically carried away

 

Also, when I lived with my parents we never had a good relationship. My mum beat me and my dad was always so distant. I'm not trying to play the sympathy act 'cos I'm over it now but it feels like i've been left with this emptiness I've wanted to fill. Now I try to get these "short cut" solutions to feel good and get rid of the pain. I dunno, I geuss I'm trying to be my own psychiatrist but I think there could be a link there. It's sad but the only thing I can do is try next time to control myself. And I don't think I'm a * * * *, I know I'm not. Cos the times I've had sex, I didn't do it for my own pleasure or anything, and I know that sex is meant to be more intimate and deep than a one night stand.

[novaseeker]

 

1. I think it will create deeper intimacy

 

See, the thing is, it does this only when there's emotional intimacy there to begin with. Sex isn't a shortcut to that. If there isn't emotional intimacy to begin with (and there isn't when you first meet someone), sex doesn't really build intimacy.

 

2. I'm afraid of rejection if I say no

 

Bah. So what? There are plenty of other guys out there who will be interested in you and who wont insist on sex as soon as they meet you. Don't worry about it.

 

3. I get physically carried away

 

Now this is understandable. The way to address it is to not skirt close to the edges of it. Stop things early before they get far enough along that you're not going to want to stop.

 

My mum beat me and my dad was always so distant. I'm not trying to play the sympathy act 'cos I'm over it now but it feels like i've been left with this emptiness I've wanted to fill. Now I try to get these "short cut" solutions to feel good and get rid of the pain. I dunno, I geuss I'm trying to be my own psychiatrist but I think there could be a link there.

 

Well, you're probably on to something here. IN my experience many folks (esp women) who find themselves in behavioral patterns like yours suffer from some kind of affection deficit in their lives, often a parental one. Sometimes people seek to rectify these deficits by seeking a lot of affection from others, and sex often plays a role in this. You don't know that this is the case with you ... but even if it is, you're the one who has to decide how you want to behave. Do you want to continue this way, or do you want to behave differently? If you want to behave differently, a better understanding of what may be going on with you emotionally may be helpful for you, and you may want to see a therapist for that at some stage.