Should I run or maintain?

[DancingD]

This is sort of long bare with me.

 

I met a nice girl about 12yrs ago, and we dated for about 6 months doing all the things that daters do, except that we did not have sex. I was 24 at the time and I decided that I wanted to join the Air Force, I told her that when i got stationed somewhere that I would send for her and to prove that i meant it I put a ring on her finger and we got engaged. I came home for a break after basic training and she still would not have sex with me, I just did 4 months in training and my hormones where racing, so i decided to hook up with an ex-girlfriend to fullfill my needs. I got stationed in North Dakota (yuck) and I got word that my ex was pregnant!!! My fiancee found out about it, and i talked to her and told her that yes I did sleep with my ex and that was all because we where not having sex, thats when she explained to me that she was only 16 when we met and that she was too young for me at the time. We broke up, she dropped out of high school , had to have therpy behind this, in and out of hospitals, etc. 5 yrs later I came home, we ran into each other we talked she said she had a baby by some guy and that they lived together, but he cheated on her and that she was just a roommate because he said that he would take her child if she moved out, since he had a good job and she didnt work this was true. She said that she never stopped loving me and i said the same and we got back together. Now she was 21 and i was 29. We dated, she still living with that guy and me living with my mom until i got my own place 3 yrs ago. Now i live alone and she still lives with the guy and her child, for the childs sake she says. I have always felt guilty about having a child with my ex so thats why i put up with her living with this guy. We got engaged again, So now she is 29 and I am 36. The relationship has been a rocky one she is always hanging out with her friends late at night, she disappears for 3 or 4 days without calling. she constantly has a story or an excuse for not calling. We have sex every so often once or twice every two weeks or so, if that. I went though her cell phone and found a man's number and I called him and he said that my fiancee was his girlfriend. I confronted her about it and she said that he was just a friend, so i lied to her and told her that he told me that they where having sex, and she broke down and said yes they did it once and she was sorry it was a mistake, she was drunk, etc. That she had talked to him for 2 months and after that happened between them that she stopped seeing him because she loved me and was feeling guilty etc. She said that I am the only man for her and that she forgave me when I made a mistake (12 years ago). So we talked about it and i put it in the back of my mind that was 2 weeks ago and she has been around ever since. Saturday night she left and said she had to do something and she would call me, i didnt hear from her that night or all day sunday. Monday she left a message and said she was in trouble and she would call me, i still havent heard from her until today, she said that she was in a rush but she was on her way home and that she loved me and will explain when she gets here tonight and hung up! Do yall think she is still with this guy? went out of town with this guy? Do you think there might be someone totally different? should i hear this excuse she will give me tonight and forgive? Should I just end it no matter what she has to say? The one thing i wish you could help me with is why do cheaters lie? If you are with someone else that makes you feel better then the person you are with why not just tell the truth and move on with the person that makes you happY?

[novaseeker]

Cheaters lie because they want to have their cake and eat it too. If the cheater fessed up to the cheating, the 'safe' relationship would go away.

 

I would recommend extreme caution in light of the facts you have described. Hear what she has to say, but be careful of yourself emotionally.

[Iceman26]

Do yall think she is still with this guy? went out of town with this guy? Do you think there might be someone totally different? should i hear this excuse she will give me tonight and forgive? Should I just end it no matter what she has to say? The one thing i wish you could help me with is why do cheaters lie? If you are with someone else that makes you feel better then the person you are with why not just tell the truth and move on with the person that makes you happY?

 

From the way this girl sounds, I don't think you will ever know if she is stilli with this other guy or not.

 

There could be someone totally different, she certianly fits the profile of someone who would do the same thing again.

 

I'd forgive her, and then forget her. Why waste the remainder of your youth on someone like that? God this women has more issues that 10 seasons of Jerry Springer, do you want the rest of your life to be like that?

 

The answer to your last question is simple. She isn't happy and she doesn't love or respect anyone. You'd think that a mother would want to set a better example for her kid. Would you want her, acting the way she is, to be the mother of your child?

 

I hope the you make the right decision.

[DancingD]

its now 10pm EST and she still has not come home or called..... This is the worst i really just need to move on with my life. She has no job does not help me pay any bills and really I can be lonely all by myself.

[Hope75]

It sounds like you are being taken for a ride. Yes, you made a mistake 12 years ago when you cheated on her, but if she forgave you and chose to go back together with you, you should not be made to pay for that mistake for the rest of your life by accepting it if she is cheating.

 

Being afraid to be alone and made to feel guilty because of your 12 year old mistake are not good enough reasons to stay with someone if you are being cheated and deceived.

[RandomAdvisor]

I'm curious as to what kind of stories she'll have to tell you when she gets back. But whatever she ends up telling you, I agree with what others have said: leave her. No one is worth this kind of drama, and it really doesn't seem like she can be trusted.

[DancingD]

Well i will let yall know what the story is because i am anxious myself. I hope that when i do hear this story it doesnt make me feel sorry for her and it takes me off of my gameplan of dumping her. No matter what we say when we are in love it is still hard sometimes to just do what you have to.

[DancingD]

Well its now the next morning, and still no contact has been made from her. Its the long holiday weekend and I am going to go to work and from there go out of town and be in the arms of a woman that I really dont care for but she cares for me. I guess this is just a way for me to ease my pain. I know that its not gonna really help but just the thought of it seems like it will. Hopefully she will come here and see that I am gone or call and see that I dont answer, that way she will know that she has lost her grip on me always being here at her every wim. I will still keep yall updated when I get back on sunday as to what happened and what her story will be, proberly something about alien abduction or something 0X . hahaha. I am hurt and I am gone.

[Hope75]

I am going to go to work and from there go out of town and be in the arms of a woman that I really dont care for but she cares for me.

 

Is this really a good idea?

 

It seems that using another woman to ease your pain is pretty selfish, esp. since you say she cares for you but the feelings are not returned. Being hurt yourself is not an excuse to use or hurt another person. Plus, it just further complicates your situation.

[DancingD]

Well I am back and I had a great time..... I was not being selfish or using anybody she is a friend of mine, she knows that I am involved, and saw that i was down and invited me up for the weekend. I guess she saw this as a way to get closer to me so in all reality I was being used somewhat. We just sat around and watched movies, talked, etc. No there was no sex involved but the tension was in the air, she even mentioned that if I was single she would have jumped my bones, but since i wasnt single nonthing like that could happen, and of course i respected that. so it was harmless. The whole time that we where together I really didnt think about my fiancee and that was a relief , I was happy for once in a long time .

 

As for my fiancee she left me a note at home to say that she stopped by . I was gone from fri to mon night and she leaves me a note on monday morning to say that she stopped by, she doesnt even know that I left what kind of stuff is that? She had to go have a lump on her breast removed Monday (not malignant) so she stopped by to see if i was gonna go with her. Once again always about what i can do for her . She had a girlfriend call me to say that the surgery went ok, and also she called when she got home but i didnt answer the phone. I guess now I am suppose to forget about her being missing for a week cuz she is recovering

[peanut15]

DancingD...I only read your story and not the remarks by everyone else. It seems to me that you really hurt your fiance the first time around and it has haunted her to this day. I think it really was a mistake for both of you to get back together honestly. There's a lack of trust that started when you hooked up with your ex just for sex because she was not putting out. I have been cheated on by my H and let me tell you that the trust is still not there and I don't think it ever will be...its just not the same. I think that you need to reevaluate your situation and think about what you really want and ask her what she really wants as well.

[DancingD]

Peanut,

 

I agree with you, I dont think that everyone is capable of forgiveness and thats their right not to forgive if they dont want to. Some people who cant forgive, try really hard and it just makes life miserable for them.