Just what is it w/women! (Women's & men's comments welco

[ajaxajax]

Hi all. This is a bit of a long post, so bear with me. I'd appreciate particularly girls' opinions! But, guys can reply too - don't worry...

 

I am in a sticky situation in trying to go with a girl, named B. Without being emotional, I'd say she is very attractive, intelligent, likeable, friendly and has many opinions and interests similar to mine. I've known her for nearly 3 years, but I've started to feel attracted to her 14 mths ago. Now, this is where it gets very sticky (and I'd love women to comment on this):

 

The girl, B (who just turned 21 – I'm 24), chatted with me sometimes in first yr and a half or so, then she "invited" me to go over to a Uni ball. So I went over, and I saw her. We talked a bit and did some club dancing, but one major problem – on that night, she HAD A BF! I obviously felt a bit upset, because I started to like her and thought she would like me more than friends. But, even though she had a bf, she'd still chat w/me in classes sometimes and, at one time, invited me to sit next to her in a class. Late last year, I overheard a conversation of hers with a few other women (sorry for being sneaky ladies, but…) saying that she was looking for other guys and that she was actually still, in fact, a virgin. So, I got the courage to ask her out for a coffee by Email (I didn't look at the reply until 8 days later, she only took 4 hours to reply saying yes). A few days after I sent her that Email, she walked into class – looking into my direction, giving one of the biggest, warmest, most seductive smiles you could imagine. I assume she was probably looking at me – but I can only assume that she did. During exam time last year, she sat next to me in both of the exams we had together.

 

At the end of year party, we chatted for a couple of hours. At that night, she invited me to have some drinks and spoke on lots of different things. She asked me who my no 1 chic was at Uni and I told her that it was her – she said she was flattered. Then, I told her that she is one of the reasons why her nationality's women (same as mine – but I won't mention which one) are the most beautiful breed of woman in human history. She nearly jumped off her chair and gave me a long hug. But, she was still with her BF.

 

When we had our first coffee by ourselves, she said at the end if we were "friends", but didn't mean to embarrass me. She said too that we can always go out for coffee again. So, we did have coffee several more times – couldn't see her much at Uni because of major stuffup making me stay back a year behind (not because of me slackening off, but really because of "communication and confidence problems"). I told her about it, she felt a bit angry about the situation – so that didn't stop us from seeing each other again. I couldn't see her for weeks because of 1. Me being busy in sorting out my own life and 2. Me not believing that I should talk to a woman occupied by another man too much! But, in March this year, when we had another coffee – she told me that she broke up with her BF…AND THEN IS GOING OUT WITH ANOTHER ONE! What's worse – her new BF was over at the table! I tried to tell her (while he was away) that I'd be happy with whichever guy she wants, but she said "I'd rather not talk about it". Ladies, common sense would tell you this if a girl's interested in guy A: girl shows interest in guy A more than BF, guy A shows interest in girl, girl quickly dumps BF and tells guy A she's available, guy A then asks girl out and then later on becomes new BF, RIGHT? I again felt upset by this!

 

But, I thought we could still hang out just as friends, even though I still like her so much! I kept on thinking about her because of me liking her and because of her acting funny over the past few months. In another meeting, I told her that I went out for a night on the town with my sisters and a few of their friends. She began to ask curious questions like "oh, does she look attractive with her blond hair?" and giving a big, nervous smile and holding it for one minute. She also madly fidgeted her mobile with a finger and asked at the end if we can see each other in a fortnight – of which we did. She also did other things like playfully blowing cigarette smoke around me, asking what I'd want in a woman and even inviting me to her 21st.

 

When I went to her 21st, her new BF was still there, but I also spoke with half her family – they seem to get on well with me. In fact, as I was letting her mother pass me, she gently squeezed my forearm for a second. And I heard that she spoke to her mother about my uni stuffup and, actually, had her asking her friend for education legal advice! The 21st was also when I sent her (obviously without anyone else knowing) a bracelet and a "friendly" love letter. That letter only said something like "I'm gently falling in love with you and would love to go out with you, but I'll be happy if we just remain friends". How did she take it? Well, just a week after the party, she texted me, saying: "The letter…um, I really don't know what to say and until the right words come to mind, I'm afraid I can't discuss. I hope that's OK!" That was 5 wks ago. And I rang her up after on when we can meet up next, she sounded happy to hear me – she immediately recognised my voice after not hearing me on the phone for 4 mths and made a suggestion of meeting up the day after during lunch.

 

But, I came here because just yesterday, my sister told me that she spotted B and her 2nd BF and, I think her best friend, sitting around a table on a major shopping strip. I got, well, a bit furious by it - when normally I wouldn't – because I thought that the letter I sent to her was useless. I wasn't trying to force her to go with me, but wanted to tell her how I felt before she gets a chance to dump BF2 and goes onto BF3 without considering me. I was on Enotalone a couple of mths back, explaining my situation to expert Deborah Fielding and she told me that this girl was playing "parlour games" – I take it that, in Australia, it's also called "prostitute games" (showing interest when not actually meaning it)! I'll probably be meeting up with her 2moro, but I think something is telling me, "JUST MOVE ON, MOVE ON, MOVE ON!" I can stay friends with the girl, but I find it hard to do so for 3 reasons: 1.) She is really a very nice and likeable woman with no intentions of being a dog (she told me that she had troubles with trusting men for 5 years before she met BF2!), 2.) I, as a lonely man, would feel stupid having to talk with "someone else's chic" and 3.) I thought BF2 is a complete and utter loser and bigot – in fact, I found him talking close up with another chic on the girl's 21st!

 

So, I want to ask the following Qs about this crazy, stupid situation that I think needs to be resolved – and FAST (as I said, I'd appreciate any female comments a lot):

1. Would a woman who appears happy with her bf be genuinely interested in another man?

2. Would it make her look like a dog if she does, even without any sex?

3. If she is really interested in another man, would she drop her bf right away?

4. If a "decent" woman likes two guys at the same time, would it be realistic to choose one or the other quickly – and then stop flirting with the one not chosen?

5. Why is it that some women are comfortable with being single for a while before having a new BF and others aren't?

 

Thanks for reading – I'm again sorry for long post, but I hope you find this fascinating!

[chimeraz]

My read on B is that she craves attention and is quite possibly insecure. Can a woman like 2 men... YES!!!

 

B likes the attention she gets from you... its good for her ego... I think you should let go of her... You obviously are not on top of her mind... If I really liked a guy... I've wouldn't notice any other guy in the world.

[notmyself24]

I am 24 year old female & i can give a female sperspective, albeit a subjective one on some of your questions....

 

1) If someone is really not happy within a relationship, appearances ont really matter. Many couples appear happy to others, but if they are not compatible/in love/no strong connection/no chemistry- one of them is bound to stray. This is where men & woman are the same. If she really care about her boyfriend, then things could get worked out. Maybe she is interested in someone else & doesn't want to hurt her b/f or is confused. In that case it has to be worked out b/t the 2 people in the relationship: COMMUNICATION!

 

2) A 'dog"? No. Human. Yes. Listen, chemistry is not about sex or even touching. If two people have it then wether they are physical or not, it is there. Billions of poeple are among us. So why do we commit if there are so many? B/c we bond to another human being & subconsciously want a family with them. If the gf is noticing other men or one man in particular, she has already begun to lost interest. To many woman, sex is not a requirement for love, it is the icing on the cake- if there is a strong emotional/mental connection & the sex is amazing- more power to the man.

 

3) No. She would not drop her bf that moment- she needs time- is confused or wants her cake & eat it to- maybe she is immature & selfish or waiting for the right time (i.e when she is ready). Any way you look at it- you must drop her before she leaves you or you will ultimately be the one to suffer- that is if you kow the other man is real & not a figment of your imagination, lol.

 

4) There are alot of "decent" woman who are attracted to more than one man. A mature woman will not commit to either until she has made up her mind. This woman sounds very confused & likes the attentiion- tell her to grow up & see how fast she either leave the bf or changes her sneaky ways- I am a female & admit that we are sneakier than men...don't accept her flirting with someone else if she is with you- dont you have any selfrespect- condront her man.

 

5) Personality? Why do some men get married very young while others play the field into their 60's. Why do some men want children & some woman never want to be mothers- there are no definite answers. It just soundslike this girl is not right for you & she making you think up some pretty strange things...resolve it yourself, you dont need anyone here to tell you what to do- like you said its "stupid" & "crazy"...

Good luck

[ajaxajax]

Dear chimeraz and notmyself24

 

I would like to say thanks for your replies. I do know what u mean about how insecure or stuffed up she might be. I don't think she is this sort of woman who is after the icing on the cake or an ego boost – although they're strong possibilities in general. Notmyself24, you don't need to be THAT bitter about me coming up with tricky questions about how women work – my post was for venting out as well as for asking. After all, when a man (me) has been lonely since puberty – I'm still w/family (and loving it), never had a real gf, kept on getting told how beautiful and wonderful he is, still finds men half as wonderful or attractive as him luring, and taking advantage of, women (in one way or another) full bore and still finds women continuing to never really show interest in him as if he's a weirdo, how crazy would u think he might feel?

 

Notmyself24, in response to your answer for Q3, I've actually met BF2 a couple of times – appears OK, but so do some of the world's biggest predators. For your answer to Q4, I do have self-respect, but I'm most peeved off about how men who don't deserve a great woman can take great women and have their hearts and minds controlled by them – so I'm peeved off about man's stupidity as well as woman's craziness.

 

Anyway, just as an update – I had coffee with B. Chat went well, but she got quiet towards end. Then she spoke about "friendly" love letter I sent to her. She said she got upset and 'torn up' by it, she was crying and feeling stuffed up all morning after reading it – because, at least, she said of not knowing what to do. Maybe, that letter woke her up, I don't know. But she said that letter was actually beautiful. She told me that she found me to be a wonderful person and actually wanted to show this fact in front of her friends – this she did by talking to me at uni with them. B then said that she couldn't go with me because:

- she also found BF2 to be also wonderful (I just don't know if it's THAT objective)

- she always found herself to be a "one man" woman – fair enough, and;

- if she was to go with me now (probably while seeing BF2), it'd 'trigger off some sort of chain reaction'

So, I think she would've wanted to go out with me, but couldn't because of, really, circumstance. But, she did want us to keep our friendship going but rather as more like "brother and sister" and was happy to get us meeting up later on. I don't know what will happen to B and BF2 in future, but I hope she understands how obviously hard it'll be to get me if she breaks up and suddenly finds me with another woman!

 

One more thing, that letter was sent to help clear the smoke off things and to help B in getting to the point of her being that friendly towards me.

 

But please understand I only wanted to get some insight on Enotalone, without feeling like a donkey as I would in front of my family. It's good thing I still have faith in women, even when a relative of mine continued to insist that all women are dogs except for his wife, daughters, late mother and the Virgin Mary. Thanks again for replies, girls.

[notmyself24]

Why would you listen to a man who says that ALL women are dogs???

 

Heres a question for you...

I know you have used the "dog' metaphor for men much more htan women...why?

 

Why would you ask females to answer your post if you were going to do your own thing any way- I am only trying to help. I may be having relationship issues my self but i was in a 4 year relationship & dated at least a dozen guys & I am 24!

 

I think that the fact you are lonely makes you very confusing- I was only answering your questions from a female point of vies & admitting to be quite subjective. However, I do have life experiences and do not listen to bitter old people who have issues- I follow my own mind & opinions. Take care1

[ajaxajax]

Notmyself24, I know you were only trying to help. I knew that you hated that opinion on women being dogs, but sadly I've had at least 90% of them being so - and I was being on my best or normal behaviour too! I never really believed that ALL women are dogs - but there are lots of chics who are just pushing their luck!

 

I did want to seek advice from women anyway - for 2 reasons: 1. women are much more reliable at giving advice about women than men (obviously), 2. I just wanted a general opinion on why when a woman flirts with a man, it doesn't necessarily mean she's THAT into him. Me and B have, of course, decided not to worry about romance - but I don't know if she'd be with BF2 for 2 days or 2 years or (God forbid) even marry him!

 

In response to your Q about men being dogs, it's because I just hate the way a lot of women get "owned" by cheapshot men, instead of at least standing up for themselves and trying to get "genuine" guys to ask them out and go with them - even the shy ones. It's also because...well, I have a Q for you:

Can a woman violate a man in the same way a man can violate a woman?

 

I think the answer would be obvious.

 

Thanks very much for your replies and I hope you would find a guy who is great deep down.