Not angry, just confused

[Dako]

Hello,

New here. New to just about everything lately.

 

I'm 53 and my dear wife left me after 24 years. It came as a surprise that she was unhappy. The news was a real blow to me. She's a fine woman and although I love her dearly, I know we can never be a couple again after seeing the pain in her eyes. There have been no harsh words or blame expressed between us, just a profound sadness and confusion over our situation.

Currently I'm living with friends in a nearby town and trying to recover, and my relationship with my stbx is very good. We talk on the phone every day or two and still want to be good friends. We plan to sell our house in a year or so and split the proceeds in a DIY divorce. I'm installing a new computer for her and she's helping me arrange my finances.

 

After discovering my pre-wed lifestyle no longer fits a fellow of my age, I intend to use backpacking and my artwork to cope with and renew my life.

 

So far I miss my wife, dog, and home. My life has been reduced to a bare minimum, sleeping on an air mattress and hanging out at coffee houses and libraries to keep my brain working. People have advised me to not worry about my stbx and concentrate on myself, but after 24 years I don't think that way. She's having a hard time as well, compounded by the guilt of ending our marriage.

 

If one more person tells me I'm lucky there are no children, I may harm them.

 

If I ever met a nice lady, I fear my friendship with my wife could be a problem, especially to anyone who has a bitter divorce in their past.

 

Is anyone else in a situation like this or encountered this odd behavior?

Is an amicable divorce a turnoff to a woman who had a rough one?

 

Just wondering.

[Beec]

I don't think you are in such an odd position. You don't say how you got there, but I know other couples who have amicably divorced.

 

I also don't think both of you being decent about it is a bad thing from anyone's view. Another woman might be concerned that you would still want your ex over the new woman, and you will just have to make her feel secure if she comes along.

 

Good luck.

[novaseeker]

If I ever met a nice lady, I fear my friendship with my wife could be a problem, especially to anyone who has a bitter divorce in their past.

 

Is anyone else in a situation like this or encountered this odd behavior?

Is an amicable divorce a turnoff to a woman who had a rough one?

 

Just wondering.

 

It depends. There are a lot of different viewpoints among both divorced and non-divorced people, and opinions tend to be pretty visceral.

 

I had a fairly amicable divorce, and I certainly have an amicable situation with my ex-w now. Yes, we have a son, and actually that helped encourage us to be amicable in a way. We speak often, often every day, we are still friends in that sort of way and it works pretty well.

 

There are some people who interpret this as being 'you still have feelings for each other'. I guess that's the case ... but it's not husband/wife feelings, it's friendship type feelings. Neither of us would eve go back to being each other's spouse, we don't want that. But you do get the occasional person who looks at you funny when you tell them that you have regular, amicable contact with your ex (as if to say, why did you get divorced, if it's so amicable). Meh ...a lot of people are clueless in general!

 

If I were you, I'd appreciate the fact that you have an amicable situation. It's far preferable to having an acrimonious one. If you have to explain to people why you have an amicable situation and discuss it with them, that, to me at least, is far better than having an acrimonious situation with your stbx.

[heloladies21]

You talking to your ex shouldn't be a problem to another woman, but it won't make getting over her any easier. When you talk to her on the phone, it'll be a constant reminder of a failed relationship and someone who ultimately rejected your affection.

 

That's why No Contact is so good. It gives you time to process your emotions and proceed with your life.

[melrich]

Hi Dako,

 

First I am really sorry to hear about your situation. Having been through something similar I know how hard it must be for you.

 

I too am very good friends with my ex wife and we never had a real falling out. Yes it does occasionally cause issues with my new partner but none thatw e can't talk out.

 

I agree with Novaseeker...far preferable to an acromonious split and of course after 24 years there is still a lot of love and friendship between you and your ex.

 

I think you will find you can manage it. Disregard no contact, it is of course totally inappropriate to your situation but do think about gradually reducing teh amount of cnatct you have with your ex over time. You will find your own levels I am sure.

 

Best of luck with everything...the backpacking idea sounds so much fun, I hope you really learn to enjoy the next phase of your life.

[Dako]

Thanks all.

 

No Contact Rule?

 

I don't have any problem talking to my ex. It makes me feel much better knowing she's doing well, and vice versa. This "no contact rule' makes little sense in my situation. Neither of us wants a to cling to the other, but the occasional call is filled with laughs and real progress. To avoid contact would make it harder on both of us, especially since we still share friends. property and a dog.

 

We have gone from daily calls to every 2-3 days, but we're both pretty busy. I warn her if I pop into the house for something, to preserve her privacy. She's rearranged the house and put my stuff in a spare room. It's fine with me. I just like to visit my dog.

 

Backpacking alone is a great way to enjoy good company and feel what's real. I also make and fly stunt kites and the kite club is a great social outlet.

[Beec]

I don't see you doing No Contact.

 

You seem to be doing well with contact, both seemed resolved to the divorce and no one seems to be overly emotional or seeking to reconcile. No reason to go NC.

[shyanne]

i think after 24years together your more like best friends. other parts of the marriage have ended but the friendship doesn't have too. i'm sure you both fully trust each other and can talk about anything, knowing you'll get a very honest response from a trustworthy person.. any new woman that comes into your life, knowing how long you were with her should understand.. if not, then you haven't found the right lady.

[Dako]

Thanks all.

Well a month has crawled by, and a few more hairs have gone gray,

 

Lots of my emotions are to be expected. My self esteem is weak, but I'm still keeping busy with my hobbies and plan some solo backpacking in the Sierras. I smoked some dope for the first time in 20 years and it made me stupid and confused. So much for that! I do a lot of walking and reading, and miss sharing the beauty of life with someone.

 

I wonder how long until my deep love of my wife fades. That's my main burden right now.

 

How do you fall out of love without the luxury of hatred to displace it?