Confused by Becoming Best Best Friends Instead??

[charmed]

For those who don't know the history:

link removed

 

 

Hi Everyone,

 

Well I met the girl yesterday evening - and things are a bit different now. We are not together, in fact, I don't think we ever will be. In saying that, she did not get back with her ex - she knows and he knows that it would not work. So now, where do I stand? I'm not quite sure to be honest - i still feel confused, though a bit less than yesterday.

 

She claims that the other night was indeed something special - she believes that we have something special - and she is not interested in any relationships with anyone at the moment. We met in the pub (bad idea I know) at 5:30 yesterday, and by 12 O'Clock, we were pissed as farts. Looking now, I am so not happy we did, but I did get to see something that I don;t like which is good I suppose.

 

This girl is very simple - she does not read into situations, she does things on a whim, she just goes with the flow and doesn't think of consequense. She didn't think that I was interested in her - even after the closeness on the saturday night last. In saying that, we were as close again in the pub for most of the evening - and she believes that we do have something very very special. We don't know each other long, but we have a real connection, and a trust and respect for each other. There is a problem with the story though. I now believe that she is not interested in getting with me because of my looks. She is absolutely beautiful - and I know that she knows it. Her mother was a Sweedish Model, and it shows - she has a perfect body - like a model. I suspect that her ex boyfriends were extreemly handsome - and she knows that I don't fit the bill. I met her dad last night - he's a TV personality - and we talked about possibly doing some work together. He has some shows over here. THats where my fist whiskey happened. The night went on from there.

 

I cried a bit- and she did too, but as she got more drunk, she got out of control and her ability to control herself became non existent. She texted with a friend, and she came and joined us about 10"30. SHe was a real character - with serious problems - and I really felt sorry for her. She was nice, don't get me wrong. The end result was that we left the pub, and my girl decided to stay in the friends house - and I went home in a taxi. One thing happened - and that changed my whole opinion of her ina second. We passed a kebab joint, and the guy behind the counter caught her eye - he was very good looking. She had absolutely no problem going to the window - very very drunkly, and chatting him up, blatently in front of a crowd of strangers who laughed as she was very very drunk and un co ordinated. This gave me a look at a side I really don't like, but made me ask myself questions about why she really wouldn't get with me.

 

I'm not happy really about the situation. We have agreed to become best best friends due to the connection - and the physical closeness can continue. Instead of being in love with her, I get to love her as a friend - and I'm not really sire how I feel about this. Can I really remain that close to her, without getting hurt?

 

Please help me - I'm meeting her for lunch, and am going to tell her that I saw something I really didn't like that in esscence ruined the progress that we had made over the night.

 

Confused, yet better than before.

I still definitely would love to get with her.

Al.

[tobigahart]

Yeah I understand what you're saying. I don't think you guys are going to get together though. But trust me, if you keep coming in close contact, either hugging or comforting etc. you will be in pain for a long time if you let doubt take over.

Want to be friends? You're really going to have to put alot of effort into being just that and not feeling or hoping for any more. Don't let her looks blind you Think to yourself, if she your perfect girl? Could she be your soulmate, flawless in your eyes? We both no that's not true.

You don't really need her, just concentrate on the other aspects of life and let your friendship be a part of it, not in control of it.

As I say to everyone! it's going to be tough, but with a possitive outlook and a bit of willpower, you'll be fine.

Good luck Al, you know she's not the one so don't worry bout it

[charmed]

Thanks for your comments !

What do you mean by If I let doubt take over??

 

I am not thrown by her looks - I can see past that - in fact, she so good looking, I would probably feel uncomfortable being her boyfriend. In saying that, her personality is incredible (except when drunk), and I don't want to loose that. I don't love her at the moment - but I am hurting inside because of an uncontrolable attraction to her as a person. I wish I could turn it off - but that is not the case. I really don't know how to go about getting her out of my head. I'm thinking about her 24/7 and thats not good for me - god I know that. Why can't I let go - I still want to be so close to her. Do you think she will not get with me because of looks? I'm not pig ugly - I'm average looking. If that is the real reason shes staying away, I'm worried that I will hate myself for that. Granted she is not the one, but that is'nt making it any easier on me.

 

Al.

[pcardoso]

Hi Al

 

I'm sorry to hear that things didn't turn out the way you expected, but at least now you know where you stand.

I think you should relax and let it flow. Live the moment… and see what happens. Go lunch with her, have fun… just don't expect anything. Life does round in circles and you never know what will happen. May be in a few weeks, you realize that this girl wasn't so important to you, or may be you know another girl, or maybe she starts to have another kind of feelings for you... but none of this should matter, right now.

The point here is you know what she's thinking… and it's time to look at yourself.

 

Take care

[nxtbgthng]

Ah...the just friends dilemma....i know this well...i know about it that is not that i know how to solve it haha...It doesn't sound like you will be satisfied being just friends with this girl...you can tolerate it but if something could happened you would love it to happen...the friends reasoning is a way women try sometimes to blow a guy off without hurting his feelings while still maintaining good relations although she probably wouldn't care less if the guy was her friend or not...if you two are as close as you say, that doens't seem to be the case with you, but it does sorta sound like it's more important to you than to her...

 

Then again if you don't want to be friends with this girl at all, then tell her to her face that she is shallow for not liking you because of your looks and that she will never ever have you as a friend etc etc..

 

should i point out now that i don't really know what i'm talking about? I am not good enough to solve the just friends dilemma yet...

[doblersdream]

Al - can't give much more practical advice than what's been given here, but i will add one more thing to the mix;

 

From what i've read, my instincts tell me that she may be enjoying the control that she clearly sees that she has over you. That's not good. I'm not saying she's a bad person by any means, but everyone has the capability of being selfish at difficult times in their lives. Don't let her use you as an ego boost. You've told her how you feel, so now just try and put the romantic thoughts out of your head. If you don't, then you're just going to torture yourself. Treat her just like a male friend, and you'll soon see her true colours.

 

Best of luck!!

[pimpcess]

Hey Al,

 

I agree with all of them, especially doblers dream, I think she is enjoying this control, And the looks thing, if she wouldnt be with some1 just coz there not completely stunning then how shallow minded is she?!?! I think at the end of the day it would hurt u so much if u remain as u are now, havin these feelins 4 her, the closeness, u have to put your feelins first.

 

I'll pm u.

 

Luv me.

[charmed]

Guys - this maks me soooo sad. Soooo sad. I guess you all are right though - though I'm so afraid of being alone as it is - loosing the small bit I've got seems so devastating to me. I've gotta meet her in 30 mins - already saw her an hour ago on the street, and I'm heading back the same road I went yesterday.

 

I've fallen so hard for this one, and it will kill me to let go and stand by.

 

How in gods name can I get out of this situation?

 

Anyone know about Enneagram Types? Have a look at this and you will understand a bit more about me. I think it's very accurate.

link removed

 

Help me guys before this gets worse. My logical reason has dissappeared, and my heart is on the platter.

 

Al.

[pcardoso]

Come on Al,

 

Don't do this to yourself. Try to see things into perspective. You both have a working relation, so as hard it seems, you have to maintain a minimum of contact. Try to follow what doblersdream said: see her like a male friend and let things flow. It's natural what you're feeling right now… but you can't let that control your life.

Be natural and if you see things are getting out of control (during the lunch or while you are together) put a stop in it and take things/conversation to your court – talk about work or other thing you are confident about.

Than… forgive me for saying again but try to work those anxiety issues. It's natural having afraid of rejection… all of us have… but you have to accept that, because you can't control whether people like you or not. It's your job to make the best of yourself always but you have to accept that sometimes you'll fail. Of course, this hurts… but it's how life is.

So, up your chin, put your best smile… and trust that everything will be just fine.

[charmed]

Hi Guys,

 

Well, I'm back from my hour of pain !! It's funny really - I'm a funny guy normally, and I have to say this is so funny. I hardly even know this girl yet how can I feel so attached to her? I really feel like a bit of a freak at times. What's that about? Can anyone shed any light on that for me? Why do I get so attached. It was an attraction at first, and she crossed the line. I do know that she is going through some tough sh*t at the moment and it is getting her down inside. She shuts away feelings, and acts like problems don't exist. I can not live that way - we are not compatable but why can I not see that for what it is? I have low self confidence in myself at the best of times. I know deep down that I will get a great girl someday, but why am I so unsure of myself all the time and especially now as the rejection is bad. I said before I'm adopted, and believe that it is connected. This is the first girl I have gotten anyway close to in a few years, and I have let myself get hurt again.

 

I know that I have to distance myself from her. She has had this problem before - why she didn't volunteer that information, I don't know. It ended that he had to break off the friendship, and I believe that he had other issues aswell though - and she wouldn't compare me to him.

 

So we sat on the grass in the park - and I explained the situation as it has been said here on the board. She was worried that the music would go initially - and that was her big worry. She doesn't understand how I like her so much after only knowing her 2 months, and I can't explain it. I told her that all I wanted was hugs right then, and all I didn't want was a hug. I asked her to please try and understand me, and then I broke down crying. She hugged me, and I cleaned myself up anc composed me. I hate putting her through this aswell - but I am seeing a side of her that I don't like too - bits and pieces of the side that she trys to hide away. I know why !! So this is where I am. I see her tomorrow evening for work. What can I do to get my head together and get the ball rolling to recover myself from this tragedy !

 

Al.

[pimpcess]

Elaborate a bit more on what she said back.... What did she tell u?

[charmed]

She told me f**k all really - and I commented on that. All she really said was that I was too serious - and that she didn't understand how I could like her so much, so soon. She also said that I didn't really know her enough to like her that much. That was it really - it was more me trying to work my way through the things that I was taking out of the advice here. I did tell her about the board here, but she didn't react to that. I told her about you pimp, and the story in the PM earlier - about the guy who you had to stop being friends with.

 

She really let me talk on and on - I don't know if she had something to input, but she did say that she didn't want to see me sad, and that she wished I wouldn't do this to myself. I told her I couldn't base our friendship on the hope of something happening - and then I told her that I believed that if I was a total babe that she would have been more interested ! She didn't like that one at all - and she got stressed and dismissive at the statement.

 

Thats about it.

 

Al

[doblersdream]

Al. Don't stress now about what you told her today. It's out there now, but please don't torture yourself anymore. I really think that the more you tell this girl, that the more you're going to put a strain on any kind of friendly, emotional, or working relationship.

 

Have a wild night out with some friends. Talk to them about it. Stay away from this girl for a few days (outside work) and hopefully you'll see things differently. Don't let her toy with your emotions anymore. Take control of the situation! You'll be glad you did, once the dust settles. Trust me.