Too much water under the bridge?

[Sweeper]

This may seem long, but I guarantee it will be interesting...

 

So just one month shy of three years ago, I rant in to an old friend. We had seen each other a few times prior to that and the interest was there. We went out on a date and quickly fell in love. Two months later, I moved in with her and her mom. I became very close with her family, they all loved me. About this time her uncle killed himself and it was a very hard time. After another month or so, I got an apartment and we moved in together. She started to take Xanax recreationally and I began to notice that she had a bit of a problem. It would pass and all seemed ok. Over time, I noticed her personality shifting. She would seem very messed up, and I would confront her. SHe would deny it, but I would ultimately find a recently filled pill bottle or other eveidence. I would yell and become very angry with her lies about her drug use. I would quickly reassure her that I loved her and that it would be ok. We went on many vacations, had so many great times, but in between these times, I would start feeling like she was using again and it would really make me mad. One evening, while I was drunk and she had fallen asleep after taking pills, I was laying next her in bed and started to have sex with her. I dont know why I started, maybe angry that she passed out on me, maybe just drunk, but I stopped and fell asleep. I didn't think much about it and she didnt know. Months later, after a few of the now routine drug relapses and lies, I got angry and said what I did. I said, "Hell, If I could do that, anyone could!" She didn't say anything about it and we moved on.

 

 

Well, things were up and down with her. She was using more and more and one night had taken a large amout of pills while at her moms house. I came overand her mother confronted her. It was a huge blowout. She decided to go to rehab to get clean. I supported her through this and she came out feeling great. I had purchased a house and we were planing on moving into it at the beginning of October. Two weeks after she left rehab, she asked me about what had happened. She said that it hit her one day and that she wanted to know what happened. I told her about it, she said "Hey we both have made mistakes, we'll get through them!" I apologized for what happened and it seemed like things were ok.

 

Two days later, I was online and saw that she had been at link removed. I was devestated. I asked her about it, she denied it, but ultimately said that she was having a haqrd time dealing with what I did. She said that every time we were close after she learned of what happened, that she couldn't stop thinking about it. We spoke and she said she wanted ot make it work. Well, two days later she basically said that she was leaving. Two weeks before we are to move out, I was loosing my love. SHe went backto her mom and I fell in to a deep depression. With the pending move, the break up and work stress, I felt like I was going to lose it. She relapsed completely int o pills and it was a very hard time. We would speak, but would get angry and start rehashing things from the past. We calmed down, spent time packing the lace up, and she said she wanted to try and make it work. She wantd for us to see eachoter once, maybe twice a week and talk on occasion. I was so happy that things would be ok. I moved in to the new place, she helped pack some things, and I thought all was well.

 

Well, it wasn't. The other night she had tld me she was going to her friends to watch a movie, but after not calling, I got insecure and drove past her friends house. Her car wasn't there. I drove past her mom's house and she wasn't there either. I called her and she said she just left her friend's house, had a great time. I comfronted her. She said that she was hangingout with an old friend who happen's to also be friends with a guy she met last week. I said that she was obviously investiating something with this guy, but she denied it. She told me she was confused about us, that she had hoped that we would go back in to a honeymoon type phase, but that she wasn't feeling it. Said that she still hasn't gotten past what I did, blowing it way out of porportion. She said that we need to not speak for a while and see how we feel.

 

Now I am on day two of NC. She text'd me on my celll ast night saying "Be careful, I will always love you". Fortunately I did not see it till today and have not replied. I really want to make things work, I miss her so much, and making things worse is that the house I bought is on the same darn block as the house her mom lived in when her and I fell in love. The floor plan is exactly the same! So I am going to try the NC thing, both for me and for us. She has said that she loves me so much and if she were going to be in a relationship, that it would be with me. That makesit hard. What should I do? Let go? Fight for us with contact? Fight by not contacting? I know that she has felt like she has nothing without me and that bothered her. I am very successful financially, but she hates her job and feels like she relied on me for everything. What to do? I know that I have become almost addicted to her and that I need to become whole again if we are to ever work out, but I seem to just revert back to the whole "Have to be with her" thoughts. It's obvious that I would try and control her, thinking that if she wasn't out with friends, that she would take pills. How warped! So I do think that letting her go is best. That it will show her that I can be a sincere, uncontrolling person who let's her make her own mistakes. But I dont even know if I can deal wit her problem as it always involves misttrust, which has grown over the past three years. I find myself questioning her intentions all the time. How do I fix myself/this relationship/my life?

[phishgirl]

It sounds as though you two have been through a lot emotionally, mainly due to the abuse or her pills. This fact seems to have distorted your entire relationship and impaired her judgement significantly, which likely is causing you to react and behave how you did in response to her.

 

Obviously, her addiction is the chief issue in your relationship that is causing the discord and distrust. She is unable to be a good girlfriend because of this, and will continue to be so in the future unless she addresses this addiction.

 

I feel that the only thing you can do at this point if you wish to salvage your relationship is to encourage and support her to go to rehab again and to see a therapist. Typically those who abuse substances have 'skeletons in the closet' that they try to avoid by self-medicating. Your girlfriend is likely to have deeper issues that you may or may not be aware of that cause this behavior and abuse.

 

I feel all you can do at this time is to encourage her to heal herself through treatment, as she does not seem ready for a relationship right now until she improves her own well-being.

 

To try to get back together with her at this point would be futile and painful for you. Right now, you should simply be there for her and support her in recovering from her difficult substance abuse..

[Sweeper]

Phishgirl, thank you for the reply. Fortunaely, she is clean now. Has been for a week. I can tell within a second if she is sober and it is comforting to know that she is doing ok in that sense. What really ticks me off is that I feel like I was there through very hard times and didn't gine up. It's like she gets out of rehab and decides that it would be easier to break up thanto face what she has done. She has siad that the problems we had could have been worked on, but what I did is unforgiveable. It's like a big cop out. Like she is using what I did as an excuse to leave when she wants to anyways. Very painful.

[heloladies21]

Well you know what you need to do. No Contact is great because it gives everyone a chance to breath and figure out what they really want. Stick with it, lay back, relax, and just start talking to some other girls for now.

 

If she really does care about you, all of those feelings of "you are the love of my life" will come back to her. Otherwise it's a dead issue and you will be talking to other girls anyways.

[HajiMaji]

Now - is she mad that you had sex with her when she was passed out?

 

That would be a huge issue for me.

 

What is the exact problem with the xanax? She took too many of them at once?

 

This is big and confusing. I dont know the answer, but i do know that in the short future her true feelings/intentions will be revealed. If she still wants to be with you, she will make it clear. If she was tired of the drama in the relationship (even if lots of it was caused by her) and wants a relationship with a new guy then that will be clear also.

 

Hang tough, this is hard.

[Sweeper]

The sad thing is that I know what happened, it wasn't at all like what she imagines it was. She thinks of it like I was having a grand ole' time doing this, when in reality, it was not like that at all. It is obvious that she loves me, and I, her, but if this truly is the reason, then how can she even stand to be around me? We talked about this and spent days together as if nothing was wrong. I know that she has been hurt by this, having to imagine what happened. I have apologized to her many times. SHe says that it would have been less hurtful if I had cheated on her than this. If there ae any women out there who can give their perspective, it owuld be great. Seems like most people I mention this to feel that she is just using it as an excuse to get away. Seems like she felt that if she left me without it being something that I did, then most of our family and friends would have looked down at her since I stuck with her through very hard times and her drug problem. The flip side is that she really loves me, is very hurt by what happened, and needs time to truly get past this. I do get that feeling from her. Right now it is very hard to not call her. Its has only been two days and it seems so quiet...

 

 

Obviously my friends and family are biased towards me, but they mostly feel that she has major issues that will only lead to even more hurt down the road. I want to see the better in people, that she can live without the pills, but I also know that when she does take them, I have to deal with the repercussions, like the lies. I know that I need time to really thunk about this, since if we were to rush this thing we would end up hating each other. I would rather be without her and know for sure what I want than rush in to this unhealed. The last conversation we had, she said "Why do you want to be with me? Is it because you just can'tstand not knowing what I am doing, or because we were so comfortable? Or is it actually because you love me?" It's as if she feels that the only reason I want to be with her is because I am codependent and just cannot adjust to life without her. Seems like I need to do that before I get in to a relationship with anyone, especially her. Man, I feel low right now.

[Sweeper]

Well...interesting development. She text'd me again tonight, said she wanted to talk. I replied "Why?". She said she wanted to come over and talk so I told her fine.

 

 

 

She stopped by and I figured it would just be a short visit, but we spent the last 4 hours just watching funny movies and talking about our deal. We ended up just laying closely together, it felt very nice. The past few times we tried to hang out, it was odd and she kept her distance. Tonight it was an honest, open talk about our wants and needs. She needs to get certain things worked out for herself, like her job situation. I do not want to distract her from her needs, but she wants me and it makes it hard her her and I both. We said that we would just take it slow, give ourselves time and some distance to work on our own issues, but it is obvious that we are still in love. I feel that she is protecting her feelings, no making out or anything like that, but just gentle intimacy. We will see where this road leads. I am trying hard to not get my hopes up. I am also working on not rushing this. Other times, we just rushed back in. It is good that she is taking her time as it will let me know, if we do work out, that it is simply because she loves me and not because she's out of her comfort zone right now.

 

It is nice to know that a large part of her very much desires to be with me. I can understand why she is going slow with this. We shall see. If it gets to strange for me than I will remove myself. I will not call her, but instead let her seek out the contact to balance things out.