How do I handle husbands lingering emotions for ex mistress

[egirl2005]

My husband and I have only been back together for 3 months and he has not made any motions towards being intimate with me. We have had a very bad week and emotions have been running high, on Tuesday night we were trying to talk. I am still trying to find our why he did this, when he told me he is still attracted to this woman (he works with her) and that his feelings are still very confused but he said he loves me and wants to work on our marriage. The next morning I called him at work and asked him if he was still in love with her, he said he was not but that he was still attracted. So I spent the day trying to find us a counsellor thinking there was hope. He called me at 3:00 p.m. told me he thinks we need a trial separation (he has nowhere to go but to her) and he would find alternate living arrangements. Then he called me at 7:00 p.m. at home and asked if it was too late to save our marriage, when I said I didn't know he hung up. He called at 8:00 asking if he could come home, so I said yes. This is about the 8th or 9th time he has left and come back and I don't know how much more I can take.

 

After his affair when he asked to come home I thought he would sweep me off my feet and due everything in his power to make me feel loved and wanted and desired and now I just feel like I will never be good enough. Something about her will always be more exciting, more attractive etc. yet he still says he wants to save our marriage.

 

I don't know how to get past or forgive all the things he has said to me. I don't even know where to start. How do you forget the fact that your husband wouldn't make love to you but goes out and has an affair, then tells you there was never any passion in the marriage for him and that he still feels things for this woman he works with. I don't know where to start healing.

[Beec]

Sorry to hear about this.

 

Yow, this won't be easy. And, it won't just involve him sweeping you off your feet.

 

Let's first look at why? A relationship requires three things, to be healthy, in most cases: friendship; passion; and respect.

 

He has kind of told you why, hasn't he. There is no passion. He seems to have kind of divided the duty. You were the woman he lived with, looked to for support, was his friend, respected, etc., but had no passion for, no lust, etc. Not sure how you got there, but my first questions would be: Did he ever just want you physically? Is he they kind of man who came home and tried to have sex right on the kitchen floor or something like that? Did you ever jsut show him that you wanted him to rip your clothes off? And my guess is probably no to all. And if there are any yeses, when was the last time either of you showed it? Probably a long time ago.

 

So, his affair was probably about lust, nothing else. He wanted to feel that raw passionate emotion, which was missing at home.

 

Other desires and emotions keep bringing him back, but he should not want to stay with a woman for whom he has no physical desire. So, the next question would be do you know how to turn him on, and if so, when was the last time you tried? Passion was missing for some reason and my guess is that either of you could have tried to change it. Still, it's no excuse for his cheating. He should have done soemthing before he cheated.

 

OK, enough analysis as to how you go there.

 

What would I do in your place now? Well, first I'd talk to him, and tell him he needs to do one thign. Decide if he wants to give it a try or not. You cannot just let him flip-flop, you need to demand that he demonstrates some resepct for you.

 

If he wants to, you will both need to work at this.

[Bethany]

This is my opinion...

Basically he's going back and fore because he is weak. He is STUCK. He wants the both of you and will make it last as long as he can. He has the best of both world, why wouldn't he?

He tells you that he is attracted to her because he still can't decide what to do and by telling you he is letting you know this.

So in my opinion... You have to make a choice yourself, whether to let this situation continue or are you going to do something about it?

You need to talk to him and tell him to make a decision once and for all and if he decides his future is going to be with you... He needs to be looking for another job pretty damned sharpish.

[chai714]

He wants the both of you and will make it last as long as he can. He has the best of both world, why wouldn't he?

 

Bethany brought up a very good point. Generally speaking, people will push you to your absolute limit. If no limits have been established, they will keep pushing and pushing and pushing. Your husband may not see any boundaries that perhaps, have not been completely drawn out in your case.

 

One effective method of establishing and sticking to your boundaries, might be finding an attorney. You might even subtly let him know that you're visiting one, to "explore your legal options" if he asks.

 

I'm not a fan or forcing people to make a decision, but in your case it's a matter of wrong versus right. Eventually, (and not soon enough) he will have to make a decision - continue his affair, or lose you. You taking a proactive stance might make him choose more quickly. The longer this goes one, the more heartache it will cause you and the more psychological damage done to you AND your marriage.

 

Your situation is not an easy one. Hope everything works out for you, and good luck.